-hate u-

i hate you! im so pissed off! i cannot believe that there are people in this world who are so damn ignorant like them! n u noe wat, i will never forget what u did to us! i never will! coz i was the one standing in that long alley of the hospital asking u for help n u threw us down! u said u couldn't help us! n i noe for a fact that u thought he would die in that hospital room! n so there is no sorry for people that do not even noe how to help those who are in trouble! got that? i really have no idea how u can sit there with ur fake smile and rich clothes eating from the same hand who threw us to the ground! he may be innocent to not care what happened but im not! n in fact, even if the world turns upside down, there is no sorry for you! get the hell out of my house!!!!!!!!

-4 days to doomsday-

4 flat? seriously! biar betul tu! is there even a possibility for anyone to achieve 4 flats when the exam is going to extremely tough? hey..im not judging..im just saying ya...i just want results that would make me happy not results that would kill me on the inside..i just want results that would make my parents proud n that lil maharani in indonesia to at least call me for once to say "congrats"..she never calls me u noe..sigh..

4 days more! 4 days to doomsday! lets all jump into the river together and hopefully swim safely to the other side(literally that is)

exam exam exam!

-5 days to go: From lala land to earth-

Breathe Raevarthy! Breathe! Help! I think im hyperventilating! I mean who wouldn't? 5 more days to go! Let me spell that for you, loud and clear! FIVE! Five people! Just 5! Mati la aku! I know im so dead! So, what should I do to stay alive? Well, i have decided to throw away all feeling of "malu-ness" in me. Ok, I don't understand and if you do, its good for you. So, I'm going to ask silly questions and I'm going to bug my lecturers with questions! I don't care! I know you are smart but I...well..I am an extremely slow learner. Thing get confused in my head. So, let me make up for all those times that I have been extremely quiet in class with my mind drifting of to"lala" land. So, its make-up time.

5 days people! 5 only! Is there anyone out there who is freaking out like me? Probably not! I mean everyone is already way too smart! Since when I slacked off? How did I let this happen to me? Well...it was my fault. I chased after friends and fame. Padan muka aku! I totally deserve this! But, I know that somewhere up there God is watching me closely and I know he will be there to give me the strength to sit for the examination without collapsing once I see the paper..hopefully that is. Either way, 5 days! 5 ONLY! God bless us all!

Ps: Thank you God, I know you helped me with my LDS assignment! I am more than thankful!

-6 days more-

Ok..this is it...just a week to go..one damn week for my cruel finals! i have no confidence, i can;t define my ss terms right, i can't score es, i dunno what the hell to answer in my ldv task sheets..n even if i do, it is wrong, n i am seriously blur where lds is concerned! i pray, i cry n i keep quiet..a million things are running in my mind and all i want is peace n solitude..duwan to hear my roommate on her phone, duwan to hear my classmates talk, duwan to even think what the finals are going to be like! I need peace! i need space! I'm losing myself and I don't know what to do! Its like there is this whole tornado in me. I'm wrestling a power invisible to the naked eye. I pray for a miracle to happen but I noe its impossible. Either I know it or I don't. I wish I don't feel this way and I wish someone would tell me everything is going to be fine. But they won't and even if they do I noe its impossible and nothing is going to be fine. A week! One damn week to go! The days are closing in on me and I feel a tug in my heart. Its finals and its going to be horrible! Help me help myself!

-There is no place like home-

There is truly no place like home! I have had a somewhat stressful week and have broken down several times this week. But, let me tell you something..None of that matter anymore. I am at home and people don't judge me here. My home is filled with so much love and that's all that matters. We may not have the wealth that every one else has, we may not have a perfect extended family and we may not be high up the social ladder of the society, but we r us n we r together! Who cares what others think? Right? So, people let me tell you something...If you are looking for love, solitude, care, peace...all at once..just return back home and breathe deep into the familiar surrounding coz there is no place like home! Truly!

-Rambles-

Im just going to ramble here..I am too scared and I know Im going to screw up this finals which terrifies me. I am so scared that I would humiliate my parents. I really don't know how the hell should I throw away fear from my system. I saw the lds paper today and thought, "you are so screwed Raevarthy!". I did not know what the hell they even wanted. Nothing of which I read was there. I mean what the hell am I suppose to read! N then there was that dreadful es test! I scored so low and I wrote that much! What am i supposed to do? N then there was that short poem test that we did for ls. N i did not understand the damn poem! What is happening to me? Its as though my stupid brains is failing on me! It is blocking stuffs out! N i feel like its spm all over again! I never ever want to revisit spm! ever! what to study? why is everyone around me so smart??? why do they get it right n i screw up! why? I noe i sound paranoid but i am really scared! really scared! I open the book and I don't know what to study! N people all around me say stuffs like, "you are so smart", :im sure you are done with your revision"..what the hell man? i dunno a thing! nothing! n then they ask me something n i go blank! blank! my mind shuts itself! i dun noe what the hell to answer! I have sleepless nights. And there is this fear in my heart that i will be kicked out of the institute! Where do i go then? What would i do then? I just dunno wat to do! I don't!

PS: I really need to go back home and get a round of hugs from loved ones! I wish my sis was here too! Oh, how I wish!

-Fear-

Fear...Shh...Let me tell you a secret today....

Haven't we all been a part of that fear? I feel fear engulfing me each second as I breathe my final days as a Foundation in TESL student. Finals are way too close and I am not prepared! I feel as though its SPM all over again! And we all know how bad SPM turned out to be. I don't want SPM to repeat itself and yet I'm not doing anything about it! Someone, shoot me please..or at least shake some senses into me.

I fear so much of failing.

I fear I'd hold the results in my hands with nothing but tears and I don't want that to happen.

I fear of competition.

I fear of letting my parent's down.

I have fear of my studies that I don't even want to get close to my books.

I fear of hating myself if I don't do well.

I fear that I'd be kicked out of college.

PS: Another episode of paranoia attack! Help me please!

-Of race and religion-

Today, I am so much in the mood to write about racist people. Mind you, I am not racist and never will be. I go beyond skin colour and the way you look. I only care for what is in your heart.

Malaysia has now a new goal to achieve under her wings. She wants to have a united country under the policy of 1 Malaysia and if you ask me, I think it's about time someone shook some senses into her. Don't get me wrong. I do support the notion of 1 Malaysia concept. However, its about time someone told everyone around them that Malaysia is a free country for all. I am not pointing fingers here. But, you have to understand that we have been here long enough to be a part of Malaysia. It is unfair to read statements online that really do jeopardise the love I have for the citizens of Malaysia. And, quite frankly, it hurts. I mean, wth man. What is so wrong in just respecting one another's differences?

And just as a reminder, I respect all religions out there and in fact, i do learn new things from other religions. I fast during the fasting month which thought me that patience is power. I have been to a Buddhist temple and there is no words to describe the calmness and peacefulness I felt when I was there and I make a cross whenever I pass by a church. Does that make me less of a Hindu? No. I pray every day, and I visit my temple every Saturday. I pay respect to all religions and their way of teaching because I believe in God. No question there.

So, why this post u ask. Ask any of my first-lecture-on-Tuesday classmates and you will know why. I am sick and tired of people putting down other religions. It gets on my nerves. I know I am way younger than you are. But, I am proud to say that at least I truly value other religions.

PS: At the end of the day, aren't we all God's children?

-Crying over here-

Blank. Bleeding from the inside and it hurts, it hurts badly. They say you should take the good and dump the bad. I must say I'm taking the good and dwelling on it, not willing to let go. Maybe my life was meant to be crushed and thrown on the floor. A new trouble for the mind and soul to deal with. Maybe this will make me stronger, maybe it won't. But, it will pass won't it? Tell me, it will pass.

Today a lecturer called me up and told me in a nice manner that the skits performed defeated the purpose of the assembly. I did not blame it on anyone, did not say that it was not my idea and did not defend myself. I kept quiet. I mean, that's what a leader does right?A leader may not lead(as in my case), but she will stick up for her group till the end without passing the blame on. I kept my mouth shut. I was too stunned for words. But, i guess my place was never meant to be in the limelight.

How am I suppose to concentrate on my studies, my destructive life with friends that keep leaving, my non-existent sibling relationship or just my already messed up life if I now have something new to deal with? This tears may not flow tomorrow, but I'd still remember how it feels sitting here pouring my soul out.

PS: Blaming no one but myself when I'd love to blame the whole world for my misery!

-Me as Lala-

omg! Did we really manage to come up with a video? Did i really act so "gedik"? man! it all sound so faraway n yet we manage to do it! I am so proud of my team members! i sayang u guys so much! i just had the chance to watch the entire video n man, i cant stop blushing! i am proud of myself! o shall i say Lala? either way, it was a team effort n it clearly showed. There is still room for improvement but hey we are "newbies" ourselves! Kuwe n Kimah, u guys are the only ones from our group that is following my blog. So, if u come across this, i just want to say i appreciate all that u have done for me, as a team. N im sorry i wasnt here the day u guys compiled everything. I noe i owe all of u! Sorry n thx!

*double hugs*

PS: Pls leave me a comment if u r from my team!

-For a friend-

My heart sank the moment i read the news and saw ur wall flooded with messages, not because i was close to u, or anything as sort of that. But, i do feel ur pain..i honestly do. I know you need time to recover from the lost of a loved one. I have been there and done that. But, i also know that what God has put you through is far worse than what i went through earlier this year. You are a good person and don't deserve this. She may not be there for you for the rest of your life, but she would definitely be watching over you from a distance. I'm so sorry for your lost. Hang in there.

-Signed and sealed for the years to come-

I am writing this today to as a reminder for the years to come. I know I may not feel the same way when tomorrow rolls in. This blog entry is to remind me that I am strong and that I can do whatever I set my heart to, provided I had the courage to persuade them. And, here I am reminding myself that I am so special in my own way that I don't need anyone to tell me so. Here is the girl who never for once believed she could do it and no matter how many times GOD proved otherwise in her life, she never took it seriously. I still can't explain the butterflies in my stomach or the nervous grip that holds on to me whenever I am pushed to the limelight.

They say it takes a moment to turn your life around forever. And I say, that moment is a choice of yours. If you are going to forever say you can't do something, then probably you would remain the way you are.

I do not know why I am telling myself all this but I do know that I would one day appreciate this particular blog entry as it assures me that "everything is going to be fine". If you dare to dream, wake up and chase after that dream of yours.

-Its a tough life-

I'm sorry that I have not been updating this almost-dead blog. I have had such a busy week and even now, I have tons to do. Sometimes, I feel that I'm growing up too fast and yet I know I am no more a "small" girl. With age, comes responsibility. So, I suppose I have to let go and embrace my adulthood with head held high.

Yesterday we debated on Macbeth being innocent. It was an eye-opener for me as I realised that Macbeth had more to him that what meets the eye. Debating against the secondary group was something new and I'm glad we were part of the winning team(not that there was a competition or anything). It was merely education based. However, I am sad that I can't participate on the one next wednesday. I think people would get bored seeing me up there again. But, I love the topic! And I know I would do well! Its fated I suppose! But, hey I am going to cheer my heart out!

Well, this week was also all about surviving and I dare say I survived. But, it did hurt throughout the process. Right from the skits, to the debate.

PS: I'm hanging on, refusing to let go. Is that good or bad?

-Falling in love-

Ok Raevarthy! You have to stop! You know you have to! It's about time! Stop opening up Youtube and stop hearing to love songs! Smack yourself if you do so! Its just a stupid crush girl! Get over it!!! You know you he doesn't care of you so stop imagining of what life would be with him around! Got it? You have to stop! Enough of those mushy Love songs before dozing off to bed and enough of those sweet romantic novels! You don't need love! You need luck! And lots of it to survive this last few days in IPBA! Stop being jealous of all those couples you see around you! He is so far away..miles apart..and who knows what he is dong there! Stop it! You don't need him!

PS: What happens when your mind adamantly says no and your heart explodingly says yes?

-Trying to strike a balance here-

-Missing you all over again-

I should not be here, i tell myself and I know I am lieing. I should not blog about how I really feel. I know I should not feel this way and I know it is ridiculous for me to miss you. But, I can't stop myself from doing so. I want you out of my life and yet I can't find the strength to throw you away. Fine, I'd admit it. All I wish for is to be with you. I am jealous of them, yes I am. I want an everlasting affection. I want to hold hands and walk through the rain and I want you to buy me gifts and wipe away my tears. I want you to call me for no reason. It is not selfish of me! I am just a girl after all...I know you would eventually end up with someone, but why should that person not be me? I am tired of feeling worthless of love! I am tired of people telling me my time would come! Why can't it be now? And, my darling prince charming, whoever you are, why can't you woe me now?

PS: Maybe I am really going senile due to stress!

Mental note to myself: Go to sleep Raevarthy! You are starting to crap!

N dear faithful readers, do you think I'd ever find a prince?

-Me as Fatin-

Im finally done with the did-not-want-to-but-ended-up-doing-it skit! You can guess how I feel. I am so happy that I could just fly! Seriously, I did not anticipate for it to be this hectic. Lets start, from the top.

You never know how much an incident can teach you and you can never guess how much you would learn from an experience. I have learnt mine.

"Needless to say, life isn't all about what you want. It is sometimes about what you don't want and you have to deal with it".

(Raevarthy, 2010)

As for my cast and crew of this skit, thank u so much! Indeed it was a pleasure working with you guys! A special thanks and lots of hugs to Julia from the KPLSPM group. She was a lifesaver! We owe you one girl! N as for Posh, thanks for the last-minute willingness to replace me. I owe you one too.

PS: The name is still Raevarthy ya..not Chapathi!

-Another dimension-

Hurt and crushed with his words. Nothing more or else to say.

Ps: Is life all about snatching something that was yours?

-Hols, Part 4-

Isn't there always a moment in our lives in which you wish you had the power to freeze time or go back to change the past? Haven't we all been through that phase in which nothing ever matters anymore and all you can wish for is to be vanished from this Earth? Maybe I don't belong here. I don't know. Maybe I do. I don't know either. Perhaps, I don't preach what I say. Perhaps I am all negative and there is nothing positive to me. Maybe it is time I went for real. Somewhere, far, deep down the ocean or far above the skies. Somewhere in which love holds much power and is something real. Maybe this world has too much remorse and hatred in it. Maybe we all need a new world. Does a place with such peace exist?

PS: If only I had the strength......

-Hols, Part 3-

Can you believe it that hols are almost ending? I know I don't want to go back to that world, that mean world that is packed with horrible people. Alright fine, I admit it. I am exaggerating and it isn't so bad. But, trust me hon, IPBA is cruel in its own way.

Anyway, even as I type this out, I am not entirely prepared to board my way back. I wish I had more time. I wish I can go back to the 3rd(which now seems to be a million years ago). But, hey, we all know that it is impossible and hence we should take a deep breath and move on with life, no matter how tough it gets.(I say this often, but really, i do not believe it so much).

I had big plans of meeting up with my friends, going out just to have fun, and you know what, it just didn't happen! And I have one person to blame! It still hurts that I am here venting out my anger whne I should be taking Sunway Pyramid down in a storm! I planned it all and I had to cancel!(still so damn angry!)

PS: Seriously, is fate not on my side?

-Hols, Part 2-

Im about to crash into my pillow just coz i hate the way things ended tonight! Have I mentioned how much I hate people that do not keep their words??Let me tell u again, a million trillion times(if that exist). I hold a simple believe. Once you promise someone, you have to keep to your words. That is not so hard to understand or follow through right? But, I guess certain people get everything in life(and in that, I may add unfairly), while u just crash and burn in a corner. Now, don't I hate it when that happens!

PS: Not in a good mood just coz someone decided to put me there!

-Hols, The first part-

Yeay! I am officialy on break and that's probably why you havent seen me here often. Well, what can I say, I just love being at home and hence, perhaps I have thrown away the sad aspect of me..(just kidding, you know me better)..anyway, this hols has been a little bit tiring for me as I have to fight for the car, fight for love, fight for attention, fight to keep my clothes...yeah..u guessed right..MISS LOSINE is back! Oh, dont I just love the fact that she is back...I get to escape from the relative drama that goes on just coz she substitutes my place. Love you for that Oshy!

I started this hols with a bit of a frustration coz the last week at ipba was hectic! And, when i say hectic, i mean super hectic! But, hey i survived!*claps wildly*

Anyway, I have decided to go out and mingle. Maybe it is time I made the effort to keep in touch with all my old buddies. They were always there for me right? So, let us start, with one at a time(never really liked to go out in large groups)..I am just wondering which one to start with..Errmm..thats a tough choice! Ill figure it out eventually, i suppose..i always do..

Ps: My heart rate has increased dramatically and only you know why!:)

-Torn in the inside-

I guess you are going to find me very often here in my blog as only this virtual world of mine provides the solitude and care that I yearn for. How is it that at one moment I feel that my life is so perfect and at the next I find myself in a loophole just waiting for it to swallow me up. I hate to sound as though I am having a depressed life coz I know some people love to see me crumble and drop and that is not how I ever want to be like. Too many things at once I guess. Having someone new in my life ain't gonna change the way things are. I am not melodramatic but I am sensitive.

I have opinions of my own that I stick up to and that does not make me a *****.

There are little things that I can tolerate and there are things that I can't. My pain starts the moment my life steps out of the boundaries of family, class and work.

PS: Was it wrong for me to come to IPBA?

-Hello September!-

So, september has started.. Well, it is abut time it did..I had a somewhat crappy August but hey, I survived! My new goal for Sep is to write less angry blog posts. I mean, life is a celebration right, so why the anger? Nevertheless, I am still human..Lets just see what happens shall we. I hope I started sep well. I am happy though...My heart is beating so fast! I hope you know why! :)

PS: It meant a lot to me. Thank you, GOD!

Bound with anger! The truth as it should be!

I seriously don't understand how some people can be so damn ignorant of others. Not only that, I have just come to realise that the inhabitants of this earth are bloody well actors as well. There are no one out there with a crystal clear heart and I'm not expecting people to have one either coz I don't. However, all I am preaching here is mutual respect. You respect me and I respect you. Now, does that not sound simple? Then, why am I so angry you ask? I'll tell you.

I started the day fairly well. I mean I dont really have extremely good days, nonetheless, I woke up early for a Monday and was buzzed with energy and excitement. I mean its Independence Day tomorrow! I don't know about you, but I just love the 31st of August! Anyway, it is not all sugary sweet as I finally found out.

(I have chosen to eliminate some details as people do read my blog and I do not want to create more complications)

Anyway, let me just tell you this. Working in a team is always tough. It does not matter whether it is for assignments or tasks in class. I have had it with you. You always pretend like you are pulling the weight around when in reality all of us know you are not. You never do much and we never complain. So, why the sudden show of anger? N btw, has anyone told you, it is never fair to judge someone if you do not know them? Honestly, come on..tell me what did I do? Why the cold shoulder? Not that I care of, but it is not fair! I don't mind you hating me, but I'd love to know the reason why. But, you are you and I am me. You are far from perfect and so am I. I have only one thing to say to you: Grow up!

Now lets move on. I think all of us can relate to this part. A different "you", pls keep that in mind.

I buzz you with a hello so that you can reply me and yes, it hurts when you don't. I know all of us have assignments and all, we r students but still, the least you can do is get back to me. Let me tell you this, I never buzz first unless I really care about that person. And I genuinely care about you. A simple hello wont hurt! Why are you so bloody ignorant??? How do I hate you if I love you so much? (ironical statement with much truth to it)

The third person( Another different "you")

I treated you with respect because you are older than me. But, what the hell man! You are smouldering me! And thats not a place I like to be in. Im not yours! So, let me go! You helped me yes, I needed you yes! But, i dont even know you!! Get that right first! I am very much thankful that you were there for me, but I have nothing more to offer than a sincere friendship and heartfelt gratitude. We cant be bffs or anything more than that, god forbid. I did not get back to you. So, pls try to understand. I am not drifting away, I just now know where I stand. I am sorry for that.

P.S: I do not wish to hurt anyone. But, there are times that you need to lay out the truth no matter how tough it might seem to be. I just did. From the bottom of my heart, sorry if I hit the wrong note! After all, I am human too.

-Ridiculously missing you-

Can miles truly separate you from friends? If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? I don't know what you think but isn't it absurd to say that despite the fact that absence do make the heart grow fonder, just a mere thought of someone makes you able to feel their presence? I think it is ridiculous. If you really love someone and you miss them, you have TO let them know. You can't just think of them and expect them to magically feel your love. We are living in a very much civilised world in which there are too many communicative tools. So, I'm going to say it here:

You, the one with that cute dimple and those dreamy eyes, the one that I stalk each day and whose thoughts feed my soul, the one that I can't stop thinking of and the one that literally ignores me whenever I muster the courage to buzz with a "hello", and the one that I relate each song I hear to,

I MISS YOU SO MUCH!

-Fit for a prince-

I want to dance in the rain with your hands gently over mine, pulling me close.

I want to feel your embrace as the rain drops wash away my fears.

I want to be able to close my eyes with the security that you would always be there for me.

I want a tear drop to fall unknowingly as you part ways with me.

I want to smile for no reason when a thought of you pops into my head.

I want you to say you love me and mean it.

I want to have long conversations on the phone with you discussing nothing in particular.

I want your voice to be the first and the last I hear everyday.

I want that painstaking silence that echoes around us whenever we fight.

I want to get on your nerves and I want you to get on mine.

I want to cook for you and watch you eat with approval.

I want to take long walks on the beach with your arms over my shoulder.

I want to receive flowers as a sign of apology

I want to leave you love notes all over the house

I want to share my world, soul, blood, heart and body with you

But, before I do all that,

I simply want you to exist.

-Life and me-

I have no idea why am I here trying so hard to pour out the contents of my heart when I should seriously be sleeping. But, you don't feel the same all the time right? So, before I lose this thoughts and vibes, I think I better pen them down. Well, lets see...What has happened this few days? Oh ya..I got stuck for hours out of my dorm room when it magically locked itself and I now have a broken door, I am missing my juniors that are at Putrajaya, I have fasted each day without fail( well...literally), I attended a beautiful engagement( well, aren't all vows of love beautiful?..thats the romantic person in me speaking..), I set for a short LDS test that killed me( literally again..), and etc etc etc...

So, whats my point? Simple, life is so messy but it is beautiful too. We often don't look at how much we have until we lose parts of it, I should know. I may hate some days of my life but as a whole I dare say I have a pretty rocking life. I am sure you do too. It's just that we don't appreciate it do we? I mean..we curse and blame people for our sorrows yet we fail to notice that they are people out there with way bigger problems than us. So, all I'm saying is, don't give up on life. It's just too beautiful. Embrace those around you because they need you. Give them a warm hug or just flash them a smile. It goes a long way. Would you not like to have a hug and a smile from all your friends or family members each day? I know I would.

Just remember, you may not have a perfect life, but life by itself is pretty darn amazing. Live with that thought and you would survive. Besides, did God not put us in this wold for a reason? Just hold on and don't give up! Life is full of twists and loopholes, and you never know when you may fall or rise. So, I say, why not close your eyes and go with the flow? The destination does not matter but the journey does! Happy living a happy life!

Ps: It is pretty amazing what a mug of coffee can do to me.

Feeling all inspired,

Raevarthy

-I am just human-

Life right now demands so much out of me that at times I feel like giving up. I have never wished to have all these feelings. Everyone speaks of assignments, finals, tests, homework’s and so on that I can feel the pressure building up slowly in me. I want so badly to succeed in terms of my education that I am so stressed out at times. I like helping people. I really do. But, sometimes, I feel so upset and annoyed that they take up so much of my time till I am left with no time for myself. It is good to be there for people but I don’t think I like faking the attention I give them. I have always held this belief that you need friends, but you can’t keep them too close. Then, why is it so hard for me to say “no”? You see…that’s precisely where my weakness lies. I am terrified of breaking the hearts of people around me yet I am upset that I don’t do it. Is it fair to be selfish? Should I wear honesty on my sleeves everyday of the week? Will, the people around me understand if I do so? Well, maybe it is time I found out.

-A tad bit angry-

Ok! I have had it! Seriously! I am not naive and I never dreamnt of plagiarising someone else's work. Everyone knows that I'm approachable. If you need help, come and see me. Ask me how to do it rather than telling me to give you my notes so that you can copy them! That's cheating! And it is my hard work! The work that I put my blood, sweat, and tears into. I do not like you and I don't not want to hate you! C'mon lah..Wake up! You have to know that I am not naive nor am I calm. I can get furious and when I do it is not going to be a pretty sight. I love to help people. And I love to teach people. So, sit with me. Ask me. Clarify answers. I am more than willing to help. You should know that the only reason I can get along better with them than you is coz they genuinely care about their studies and no, they do not use me. They are always there for me. Why don't you change? Or better still, why don't you plagiarise the works of your "darling friend"? Why me??? And no, there is no sorry for those who do not know how to work hard. Leave me alone!

Love, perhaps?

I dreamnt of you today and yes, I miss you. Maybe you were just meant to be a part of my dreams. Why are you so far away from me? When you were there, I took you for granted and now I regret it. Maybe that last day with you could have been different. Maybe a simple "goodbye" could have made a difference. I guess I would never know. Is there any hope that I would meet you again? I long for that day despite knowing full-heartedly that it would not affect you in any manner if I do so. But, it would be one of the happiest days of my life. I am fairly sure of that. You know, there is just so much a person can write here. The rest remains buried deep within my soul. Only time will tell. I can't flush away your memories and so, shall I keep them? It hurts and yet it feels good. What do you call this feelings? Love, perhaps?

-Not in a good shape-

I can only wish for things to get better. There are lots of people out there with the capability to shower me with all the love that I need. Then why on earth am I pinning for something that doesn't exist? I am confident, opinionated, and I certainly do not need you in my life. I have had enough since I walked in here. Life here is nothing but a whole mess. And yet, it is a beautiful mess. All I need to do is find a way to strike a balance. I am trying, I dare say that.

-Wordless-

Everyone makes mistakes in life. Some large, some small. It's what you do afterwards that counts.

(Raevarthy, 2010)

-Too confused for words-

I have people looking out for me and I wish for this feelings of security to last forever. My mind is not where it should be. I am confused, depressed and there is no known comfort. I just wish to run away from all this and go back to when life was so much easier.

I have not let all this feelings out yet because I have not found the right person to share this dark world of mine with yet. I am not who you see on the outside. I smile, but in reality it hurts. It hurts so badly.

-Just for you-

This week was all about being extremely pissed off with certain people. You know, i really don't know when i will have a life free of all this! I am just so disappointed. How could you speak behind my back and think I would not get any access to such rumors being spread around about me? We were once close. I do not deny that fact. But, place a hand on your heart and tell me. Was there ever any honesty between us? I am a big girl and no, no one is influencing me. I do know that I am classified as just someone you need at certain occasions, not a friend. I loved you. And i really thought this friendship would last. I am not perfect but I have feelings too. There is just so much a person can take. Have a good life though..coz i can't find the heart to wish you any harm.

-;(-

I know I rarely write angry posts. But this has just been one of those weeks. You know the one where everyone gets on your nerves. Yeah! Hell of a week!

And yet, I found solitude and comfort in the arms of good friends.

PS: Life here is just too damn complicated!

-You and me : A lost friendship-

It is very hard to find a true friend. Sometimes, you feel so happy with a person or a group of people that you think it will always be that way. I loved them, I really did. Until now, I do not know for sure what happened between us. Suddenly, I hear talks about me and all I can do is laugh. I am not hurt and I do not know why. Maybe I have grown up so much, matured so much over these few days that such words do not have an effect on me anymore. I am honestly proud to admit that. Maybe the term “friends forever” was nothing but a sick joke. Only the Lord knows.

I guess that I’m the only one who thinks that friendship isn’t how you forget but how you forgive. It’s not how you listen but how you understand and it is certainly not how you see but how you feel. How do I make you girls understand that friendship is not how you let go but how you hold on?

-Cry-

I cry when I watch a sad movie

I cry when I read a sad book

I cry when I am so angry

I cry when I am upset

I cry when I am scared

I cry when I am hurt

I cry when I am betrayed

I cry when I miss someone

I cry when I am jealous

I cry when I am taken for granted

And all I do afterwards is wipe my tears and walk away.

-Rivalry-

I hate how you always seem to be right

I hate how he treats you differently

I hate how smart you are

I hate how you lost all the weight while I still struggle

I hate how pretty you are

I hate how you are respected while I am not

I hate how you have friends that genuinely care about you

I hate how she loves you more than me

I hate how you are allowed to hang out with your friends while I am questioned

I hate how you can run away from all this problems

And I simply hate the fact that I can't hate you.

-Confessions and tears-

You would never believe it if I told you that I stayed in love for 10 years with the same guy but he never knew I existed, well literally. He was a friend of my sister and I easily had a crush on him. A massive one indeed. I was 8 years old when I began to like him and the love grew from time to time. I used to think that he was the one I would spend my life with. Sounds stupid right? It did not back then.

I do not know why but I always thought of him as mine. Yes, I loved him. I am not ashamed of that. He never knew I liked him. But, I was crazy of him. There came a time in my life last year where I finally came to terms that he is not the only guy out there. Hell, he doesn’t even speak to me! But, by that time, I had already kept him so close in my heart that I could not let my feelings go. I know it sounds ridiculous but it was genuinely hard for me. Hence, this week I wrote a confession letter that I bawled over(I know im such a cry baby!), that made me feel better. I now feel as though I can conquer the world. Thank you for keeping my heart safe for so long, but it is time that I had it back. Goodbye forever Mr.L.

-I am not me-

What the hell am I doing?? I feel so stupid! I would love to be there for you but seriously, I know I will get in trouble if I do so. Does that make me a hypocrite? I can only wonder!

-Of colourful flags, cramped spaces, and CONTENTMENT-

"Human graphic for the ASEAN Schools Games????Seriously dude! What the hell are you saying???!"

That was my initial reaction towards my friend when he proudly announced to us that we were to take part along with the juniors to form human graphics for the opening ceremony of the 2nd ASEAN Schools Games.

I was very upset because I knew that we had had our share of such participation in the 1st and 2nd semester, that we should be left alone now. Oh, come on! It's the juniors turn! Not us seniors!

However, little did I know that amidst all the complaining done on my part, I truly enjoyed the three days we spent rehearsing and finally performing! I felt blessed to have contributed something for my nation. And of course, not to forget, I was in the same stadium as our beloved Deputy Prime Minister! Now, that's something I am insanely proud of!

PS: Don't tell anyone! Shhh...I have a massive crush on Juara, the mascot! Oh, he is just too cute!! Shhh....

-People and personalities-

Isn’t it miraculous to think that everyone is just so darn different from one another? We have billions of people in this world and each and every one of them has their own characteristics. So, what happens when personality clashes? This week I’m compelled to write about such differing personalities. Let’s not go too far. Take a look around you. Right here in IPBA. Aren’t there people that you cannot get along with just because they are so much different than you? This week I met someone who is experiencing such a personality clash.

So, what do you do when you find that you simply cannot get along with someone? I’ll walk away. There is no point in giving in too much for a friendship to work if it means that you will hurt yourself at the end. I believe that we only get to live this life once. And we should make it count. Do something because you want to do it, not because someone asks you, or forces you too. Life is circular. One moment you are up and another you are down. Always remember that, sooner or later everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to decide who is worth going through the pain for.

Promises and more promises

Many times in life you will find yourself standing alone, with no one to hear you out. Your heart screams for relieve of this pain that God has decided to put on you. You find your soul crippled and you yearn for an answer. You know how people tell you, life goes on? It may go on but it doesn't change. Nothing changes. Oh, how I wish we had a peaceful life.Everyday I wake up with fear that it might be my last, or yours. I know I won't be able to live if I don't have you by my side. Just promise me God, that somehow all this will workout. Promises and more promises.

-I'm daddy's little girl-

A father is the pillar of strength of a family. He works hard, day and night for you, his prince and princess. I know this may sound cliche, but hey, without a father, you wouldn't be here today. There are only two types of people in this world. The first, someone who knows its better to be queit than to voice out. And then there's people like me. The rebellious, know-it-all, i-can-conquer-the-world, never-giving-up-for-what-she-believes-in type of people.
Let me tell you something. Any parent would never dream of having a daughter like me. At least, thats what i think. Yes, I'm anyones nightmare. But, you know what, I'm proud to be me. There is no another daughter like me out there and I know that regardless of what the society percieves me of, my dad loves me. Im rebellious, I do shout, n yes I never give up. But hey, that sounds a lot like someone I know..yes, my dad. I'm a carbon copy of him..at least where attitude is concerned. So, this father's day, daddy's little girl, a.k.a me, would like to wish the first guy in her life, a happy father's day. I love you pappa and will do so always.

PS: Me: Pa, I wanna pair of heels.
The old him : You have enough already!
The new him: I'll buy for you tomorrow. I'll buy for you whatever you want.

I'm blessed to have a dad like him. I promise you pa, i'll always make you proud of me. You may have changed following the incident but you are still my life coach and best friend. I love you.

-Teenage love: You never know where it takes you-

Alright i admit. My heart does skip a beat each time I see HIS name pop up in my chat list. But hey, what am I to do? I don't dare say hello. Fine. It is ego. HE should say hello first. Call me old-fashioned, but I am a girl and HE is a guy. You do the math. I really shouldn't feel this way. I mean I know HE doesn't think of me as much as I do of HIM. Nor does HE know I exist, well literally. Maybe I should just wait and perhaps, HE will be mine one day.*sigh*

Ps: Above is just an excerpt of what most single girls feel whenever they see the so-called "perfect guy" that they dream of, online. Well, my advice is, if you never make the first move, it will forever remain a mystery. Maybe it will end up as not meant to be, but hey, you have to try because if you haven't really tried, you haven't lived. So, go ahead and say hello. Remember, you never know where life takes you! Good luck!

-Another view of life-

Sometimes you never know why something happens, but it does nevertheless. I am not here to tell you about how my life sucks (which it doesn't btw), but I'm here to tell you about a show I watched yesterday.
I love Oprah. I mean who wouldn't? She is my inspiration and I do love watching "The Oprah Winfrey Show". Anyway, yesterdays show proved to be an eye opener for me. Entitled "Inside the minds of child molesters", Oprah sat down with 4 convicted child molesters and rapist and spoke with them. It was one of the most truthful heart-to-heart conversation I have ever heard. There was one elderly guy, who molested his own granddaughter, a father who raped his daughter for a few years, an uncle who molested and then went on to rape his niece for 12 years, and another serial child rapist. It was heartbreaking to hear what they said. They described each incident. But, what made it worse was when all 4 of them said that they thought they were giving pleasure to their victims. Pleasure????My foot!I never understood why children keep quiet when it happens. But, now I do. It is scary to think that there are people like that around us. What more do parents have to do to protect their child? When can we actually walk out of our homes feeling really safe?

-PMS: Pre or Post?-

PMS. Yes, the big word. PMS. Every girl's nightmare and even worse for the guys. You know. It's that time of the month. When everything and everyone appears to be too cruel and the sensitivity button..ermm..you wouldn't want to push that. I love being a girl but I hate the every month dreadful phase of my menstrual cycle. (WARNING: If this appears to be of too much info, please leave now)

PMS stands for pre menstrual syndrome which includes nausea, headache, too much anger and too much tears, well, it is like that for me. But, there's a catch. I feel perfectly alright throughout my menstrual cycle period and in fact I don't have a single pre menstrual syndrome. But, you know when it starts? All the yelling and crying done on my part starts after its over. Hence, I drew a conclusion that I have post menstrual syndromes. Not Pre but Post. Guess that makes me special huh?

Well, whatever it is, post or pre, it still sucks. I hate feeling the way I do when it happens, but at least I can blame my mood swings on PMS! That's why its nice being a girl, well that, and a million other reasons, which I will get to writing soon.

Anyway, a girl is special. Treat her right and she will make you her world. You have got to accept her at her worst, with or without PMS. And trust me, without is way better than with.

PS: Guys have PMS too! Anyone dare correct me on that?

-Day 2 of the hols-

Its day 2 of the hols and honestly, I'm feeling all sick and tired. I need something new in my life. I know I sound like a spoiled immature child, but hey, a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. I need to shop! Gosh, I miss her! I miss shopping with her! Orang Indon, come back faster!

Alright, so lets recap. What have I done so far for the hols? I have watched too much television and I have cooked a little(which is good). I really need to get away from the TV. It is so addictive! As for the cooking, well, I have always had this habit to get hooked on something all of a sudden. I guess my current craze is cooking.

Anyway, I am happy to be away from IPBA yet I am missing it. I am missing the chaotic life over there. But, hey, its a three weeks break. Who am I kidding? I may miss the life over there but i think i'll take a rest for now. I have plenty of that hectic lifestyle to deal with when the university reopens. So, people, this hols is all about family! Remember, family always comes first!

-^____^-

My weakness is that I care too much!!!

Maybe it's about time I gave up on you. But, hey, I still like you. It is true that you have been there for me...But, looking back at it now, I did not deserve to feel neglected and hurt. I just don't know.But, i do know that I shouldn't be blamed for whats going on with you. This is so not what I need now!

Ps: -A mental note to myself : Let it go, Raevarthy...You know you are going to hurt yourself more if you think about it...Just remember, true friends never walk out, no matter how tough it gets! So, don't walk out on her!

-From Jan to June: Life in Sem 2-

I am compelled to write this out. I waited till my last night at IPBA to pen down my thoughts of Sem 2 in the mere hope that I'd be able to say what I really thought of Sem 2.

Lets start with January,

I walked into IPBA once more with my parents and my sis(who was back for the hols) with a new fire burning in myself. The new year just started and everything was well. I had this determination in myself to survive independently. To not depend on anyone but myself. To not get close with friends. First day of class, I remember thinking how much my life would change in the coming months. I never expected it to alter so much.

February:

I was so happy that it was the month of my birthday and I was thrilled at the thought that I'd be celebrating my birthday at home. Of course, 18 Feb came and brought along with it an incident that I'd never forget for the rest of my life. From a carefree teen, to a matured young adult. Throughout this hard time, I learned who my true friends were and I also learned who to depend on and who not to. I saw the different face of lecturers and yes, it was a learning process that was beyond my wildest dreams.

March:

When I think of March, I can only remember the process of sitting for the mock exam and its after effects. I remember thinking I hated myself for not studying despite the fact that I couldnt. It was my first week back to IPBA and i was slowly regaining my lost self. It was also the week of mock exam. I will never forget my outburst in my LS class when the lecturer asked us to reflect back on our mock exam papers. Nevertheless, I don't know how and I still don't understand why I received the results I did. Perhaps, it was GOD's way to make it up to me. I don't know and I will never I guess.

April:

I met so many new friends during Language Camp. But, the thing that I remember the most is me speaking in public. We had a public speaking competition held for Language Week in which I was placed third. Oh my god, my nerves almost killed me! I was terrified n yes, I had fellow contestants calming me down. I owe Daniel so much for his wise words. Thank you Daniel. It was also the month that I reconnected back with my bff, Azham. I cried after so long and he made the pain a bit lesser, I would say. I am not going to thank him because he is not an outsider, he is family to me.

May:

Oh what do I say here. May was nothing short of a roller-coaster ride! I directed Act 2 of the Macbeth play n boy, wasn't that tough. I would forever remember my cast and crew. I leaned on them and they leaned on me, and yes, we did survive. I got to know each and every one of them from FP1.5 and FP 1.6 at a larger scale. An experience of a lifetime!

And yes, it was our Kenaboi trip! My first time in a river. I felt like a fish out of water!

June:

June= Hols!

Yeay! Its time to be a full time mum,daughter and of course, a princess!

Well, Sem 2 was all about surviving. It pushed me to the limits but hey, guess what, I survived! I had so many first' during this sem that I will tell you about soon! *Hugs and Kisses*

With much love,

Princess Raevarthy

-Another lost friendship..perhaps?-

I don't know...I really don't..I don't know why she isn't speaking to me and yes, i feel hurt...But, i look at all this people around me and I somehow now understand that people use you..Maybe I'm useless to them anymore. I don't know. I am an independent child and yes, I can survive.

ps: We used to be so close..I just wonder...What on earth happened?

-Somewhere along the insanity-

I really don't know how to put this in words but i will try anyway. I feel very much lost. Not as if in lost in my life but lost in my thoughts. I have no idea why i feel this way but I do. I know that i need reassurance that I am doing just fine. I am no stranger to this life but holding on is so tough when all you want to do is let go. I cry in my heart but there are no tears out of my eyes. No one understands what I want to say. I am not comfortable saying this out. I want to scream. I don't want to feel this way. I want to vent out whatever that has been bothering me for months now. Trust no one, my heart says and so shall I.

-Respect-

Alright fine, i may not be the most prettiest girl u have ever met nor the most smartest. I may not be the world's most perfect daughter nor the most "cool" friend. But, I am someone. And sometimes all i ask for is for you to show me some respect!

Ps: No matter how many times i tell myself to let it go, i just can't!

-The way YOU make me feel-

Well, it has been really tough(exaggerating) here..but I don't know how else am i supposed to describe all that has been going on in my life for a while now...

I don't know where to start or where to end. I know i m not supposed to feel this way but I do...What am I to do? I'm just caught in the middle. You can let this feeling go girl..Just try..And try I shall...

ps: Should I or should I not?

-A tad bit broken hearted-

Honestly, I have no idea why I am posting this here. It should be left in a deep part of my heart. I don't know what to say. I know my heart broke when i saw that status update. Maybe it is wrong to say that I don't want you to leave but I can't stop myself from thinking so. All I can say is that God bless you, wherever you are.

P.S : No one will understand this post n I'd prefer it to stay that way.

-Of dresses n shoes-

Yeay! Masquerade night is on! I was quite depressed to know that they have decided(or more towards forced) to change its name. I am not quite sure what they have in mind but i am sure it will be a good one(fingers crossed).

Anyway, let me talk or write..either way, i love to talk! so hear me out ya..

Last Sunday, my mom and I went shopping(with full me-like happy intonation)! We went to Klang Parade in a hope to find a mask for the now-changed Masquerade night. I couldn't find any but i did stumble upon a dress! Another hooray! Yes, I bought it! (you know me)

So, currently i m in deep thought..which one should i wear...which look should i go for..Should i wear my short simple black dress or my long a lil bit pink+ black dress? *still thinking* both are new..well, i haven't decided..so, pick one out for me ya..which look would u prefer me to be in? i kinda like the short one coz i can show off my shoes but then again i dont want to violate dress codes at ipba(u noe wat i mean)..anyhow, i m excited!! *3 days to go*

-wondering-

when life gives you a million reasons to grieve, show life that you have a million reasons to smile.

I have always loved the above quotation. It holds such deep, profound meaning. In fact, not many grasp its true meaning. What I wish to highlight here is that everyone thinks that their life is hard, but you have to always know that there are people out there in a much dire situation than the one that you are currently in. Fine, i do not wish to sound like a professor, but seriously, life doesn't revolve around you one person..Why do many people fail to see that? Just asking..

*in wonder mood*

-LOVE-

alright..i m feeling very down n the worst part of it is that i don't know why!

even my player keeps on playing me sad love songs..oh...c'mon im single k! n i have been single for like forever! but, u r only a object..so i guess you wouldn't know..sigh

but hey, talking about love...(suddenly all bright eyed)

have you ever listened to a song and immediately clicked with it? I do all the time...which is sorta weird i guess..

i have a good friend, posh(novia hana) n we r like twins! seriously...emotionally i mean..especially where love is concerned...we fall madly head over heels for an artist n yes, we crush a lot..we have never been in a relationship before n are proud of it! n yes we both believe in prince charming's!

but, moving on..let me tell u guys something..

i am a mum n being a mum is tough! but nothing beats the feeling of getting a wakeup kiss from dino and certainly nothing beats the feel of hugging ruby right before bed..hence, i m asking what is it that a guy can give me that they cant? how does it feel to be in love if i m already loved so much at home? why is it that everyone is rushing to get in a relationship?

my advice for single people out there:

yes..everyone dreams of a perfect relationship..n yes it does exist..somewhere out there in the universe, your other half does exist..but there is no point getting in and out of relationships just to find "the one"..life will eventually bring u to that person..all u have to do is trust..trust yourself n above all, trust GOD...happy trusting!

He holds me when I start to cry, makes me smile with just his eyes. He shares my hopes, dreams, fears and wipes away all my tears. I love him without regret, I just haven't found him yet...

-Will u wash away my sorrows?-

Sigh..It is raining..Every time it rains, I love to drench myself in the rain. I love the feel of the sharp raindrops as it touches my skin. It just makes me feel special. As though there is no troubles..life is nothing but easy..thats how the rain makes me feel...

ps: will u dance with me in the rain?

Tagged!

yeay! i am tagged for the very first time in my blogging world! thx for the tag bff!!

so, here we go...

(a) Write 23 random facts about yourself!

(b) Tag this to at least five person.

(C) Follow the rules because this is where the fun begins.

a)

1)My family consist of daddy, mummy, a sister who is older by just a year, and my two children, Ruby and Dino!

2) I am a mum at 19!!

3) I am a very sensitive person..or used to be..either way, i m quite sensitive..tears flow very easily for me..my sis says that i have a "water tap" in me that i can switch on at any time that i like!

4) It may sound ridiculous, but I have this deep believe that my prince charming exist out

there n he will sweep me of my feet n make me a princess(yes, i believe in fairy tales)

5) I like being busy! I love the adrenaline rush that i feel when i know i have tons of work to

do!( a bit weird, yes i know)

6) I never knew specifically what i wanted to do with my life...i decided to let God decide for me..and..here i am today, a teacher trainee..

7) I used to dislike kids so much! but after the school visit programme during language camp, i have grown to love kids!'

8) I like being in control and hate to be controlled!

9) I go crazy when i see shoe shops!

10) I always put my heart over mind..which can be troublesome at times..

11) I use the phrase "sayang" n "my dear" very often..

12) I care deeply about issues such as feminine rights, and animal rights!

13) I make friends very easily..i can warm up to people in a matter of seconds!

14) I like being the peace maker!

15) I think that i am far too matured for my age but i tend to hide it!

16) I have never been in a relationship before and im very proud of it!

17) The status quo is never good enough for me!

18) I am very determined when i get involved with a project! all i think of is winning winning n winning!

19) I have this desire to adopt a child when i have enough money in the future( probably even before getting married..hu knows)

20) I have nervous breakdowns very often! breathe raevarthy..breathe...

21) i am egoistic but i believe everyone shud have a certain amount of ego in them!

22) I am a very romantic person! i love romantic novels, movies, songs...

23) last but not least, i am a family oriented person! family always comes first for me!

b) since i have not much people following my blog..i have decided not to tag anyone..sorry ye...

*hugs and kisses*

signing off,

princess raevarthy

-Macbeth n me : The Finale-

It has all come to an end. No more practices at 9 p.m and no more "members of the floor pls keep quiet" chants..No more "i need more emotions" and no more " i sayang u guys so make me proud ye!" mantras.

Right from the above title, u would know that i do miss them so much. Macbeth has officially marked my entry into the world of direction and yes I can't wait to do it again. Everything comes to an end, eventually. Shall i say that saying this goodbye does hurt somewhere deep in my heart? It wouldn't be a lie of i did so. While the rest are relieved that it is over, I kinda wish i had the chance of doing it all over again. I will definitely miss being sorta like a mum to this bunch of people.

Yet, I am definitely happy to say that it all worked out. Everything fell into it's place right on time. We managed to pull this through and I am most certainly proud of them, all my act 2 cast and crew. Hence, i dedicate this post to the 38 sayangs that i have in both FP 2.5 n Fp 2.6.

From the bottom of my heart, i thank u guys for being there for me...I leaned on you all n u guys definitely held me through it all..We had so many problems and there was so many times in which i was on the verge of tears..But, looking at your passion in Macbeth, i found my inner strength to hold on. I know this sounds very emotional but that is just who i am. I am very sorry if i had done or said anything that hurt any one of you. Honestly, i will miss being the "princess" director.

Lets all remember the good and put the bad behind us. After all, it is not the destination that matters but the journey. I am sorry and I love you guys so much!

-tonight is the night-

It's finnaly here! Macbeth night! I'm far too nervous..beyond words! Ok, calm down raevarthy...calm down...just breathe..there you go....

everything is in its place..the costumes are ready..make-ups have been bought n tried out...

props are all set..the stage has been marked...

my actors have gone through with their lines one last time last night...

stage manager is calm...she noes what she is doing

my sound crew, is ready with the sound effects

my technician is all ready to play with the lights..

backdrop has gone up...

my curtain guy is prepared...

alright..everything looks good...

then, why on earth am i this nervous??????

C'mon director, u noe u can count on these bunch of crazy yet responsible people!

Well, its a bit sad to think that it's all going to come to an end soon..all our efforts and hard work...i noe i sound emo but that is just me...i have this longing in my heart to do it all over again...right from the beginning...n i would not change anything..because that is what made us who we are today! Act 2 guys and girls, lets rock the stage tonight!

-Too much drama-

Yes, it is the season of Macbeth but the drama that i am referring to ain't got nothing to do with Macbeth...It is everything around me...the people around me.... sometimes, i feel like im floating outside my body, watching ever patiently all that happens..everyday is a brand new day..nothing is the same...my emotions change...somehow, i feel im gng through the dreadful period of pre-teen life again..

Once again, somehow i lost trust on a person that i used to admire the most..i always told my mum that a teacher should be as dedicated as him..i feel sad typing this out..but maybe we fail to notice his mood swings or maybe we just ignored it..but it was wrong for him to make one of my best girlfriend cry...my heart weeped in silence as she wailed deeply into her sleeves...i am sorry i did not back u up..then again, all of us are syg...

i always believe that it is hard to tell, or to explain to someone about something if they choose not to hear and that is what he did.He shut his ears to our explanation. Hence, i have taken a decision to not care anymore..Quoting from Jaaz, "Who cares??!"

In another corner of my life, i have people that i love in deep trouble..trouble that they cant even splutter out..just take care hon, i m always here for you...

And yet, in a much happier tone, my sis will be back for the July hols...Honestly, i need her here.i need to be with her..i need to sense that my family life is back to normal...although normal seems to be very far away now...i m still having difficulties letting go of what happened..i try not to think about it..i m not trying to forget it..n even if i try, it somehow resurfaces...such a deep wound in my heart n i still can't find a band-aid or a cure...hope gives some light..but trust me when i say it is not enough...sometimes all u can do is hope i guess..

Sometimes in life, you let go of all the pointless drama and the people that bring it because you know you are much better off without them..In my case, i m choosing not to let go...maybe it will make me a stronger person, maybe it will cripple me..either way, im all ready for the journey!

more of me( a pretty long post!)

Today proved to be another challenge for me....Personally, I have had some issues that i had to deal with concerning our play and now i can only wonder whether our efforts would be worth it.. I have calmed down a lot backstage(which is a good sign i suppose).. previously, i had nervous breakdowns(maybe i am nervous in behalf of the rest because they always seem to be much more relaxed)..

Let me break it down for you..This is what happened...

Right after our previous rehearsal, a good friend of mine summoned me up and started commenting(mind you, really bad comments) about our act... I admit it took me by surprise..even to the extent that i did not have enough time to defend my act(sorry fellow actors)..I was already having a pretty bad day, hence, it made things worse...I was in the verge of tears, but i did not cry(hooray to me!)..anyway, i always believe that things happen for a reason..hence, i m fully over those comments passed down..he has learned his lesson, im sure..

Anyway, let me move on to the next event(a major one indeed)..Masquerade night!

Well, i love dressing up! So, i have been looking around for a dress that would transform me into a princess on that night and yes i did find one...well, my cousin sis borrowed me hers in which i have been tip toeing around the house(of course with ruby and dino right behind me)..well, i was elated! happy, excited!! every single emotion related to joy! yes, it felt good to look into the mirror and see a princess smiling back! Yet, my joy was short lived because my tailor told me that it is impossible to repair the damage on the dress(yes, it was sorta torn when she gave me..but i thought i could piece them back together)...hence, the dress has been returned ever since to its rightful owner, with much regret i must say...but, i have a black dress..one that i never thought i would wear..i bought it exclusively for my birthday that went uncelebrated(you know y....) but i guess, it is simple then for me..no princess but just a normal girl(but, i still insist that i m a princess at heart)..anyway, i conclude here that i still am thinking on whether i should attend this so-hyped about event,.....lets see how my mood is on that day...

Moving on, let me just say this, i have a crush!! yes..he is real n yes he is drop dead gorgeous!! Lee, i love you! For those of you living under a cave, Lee is a contestant on American Idol. He can sing(really well) n he is cute!! double cute!! triple cute!! well, he is cute! I hadn't been watching American Idol for a long time(yes im living under a cave called ipba)..so, it came by a surprise when i watched the recap last saturday night..there are only 4 contestants left n i hope Lee wins... Lee, hon, u r cute!!(as though he is going to read this!)..i dun care..U R CUTE!!

With much rambling, i hope you had fun reading this...n i leave you with one last word..I have a crush on a guy that doesn't know i exist! Honestly Raevarthy, you need to get a life!

A leader of the pack

I know that all of us(my Macbeth crew) is upset over what had happened..I got lost when that person asked me to comment on my fellow actors coz i thought they did a very good job..well, at least you shud have paid attention to them before criticising...anyway, i know that what had happened is going to pull our spirits down and im not going to let anyone hurt my crew...whatever it is, i know that if i stay strong the rest will soon find that strength in them to do the same as well...im not saying im a good director(hell, im not even sure if i am one!) but I know that i want this to work out well and im going to do everything i can to make it work...we'll laugh, we'll cry(though i m trying my best not to do so)..but at the end of the day, we are one...and thats all that matters!

Upset

I know that i should never allow people to hurt me..but I can only watch as it happens again. I know im in power and sometimes that power hurts i guess. Nevertheless, I'm promising myself to be patient..as much as i can. It hurts badly and I have no idea where to vent out what i feel. Do not cry, I instruct my eyes but its failing me.....

Sometimes when something new arises, everything old makes it worse. Im honestly strong and I know that. Its just that i feel lost.............

What a day!

Alright i know that it is only 1.47 p.m and I have already started complaining..yes, it has been a rough morning(too much of Macbeth i guess :))..anyway, i am currently at my beloved queen's room a.k.a bul bul..she is fast asleep while im busy typing away...well not so busy...i decided to not return to my room(block 5) coz i know i'll be too lazy to turn up for the ELS meeting later on at 2.30 p.m..hence, i dropped by at block 3..

Anyway, let me tell you what happened today morning...just as i was getting ready, all hyped and psyched for class...a tragedy struck..my spectacles broke! one of the lenses fell out! so, i have been walking around IPBA today without glasses n yes it has been a blurry sight...reminds me of Posh's dialogue for our choral speaking..."I cant see clearly..everything is blurring!"...that's how it is for me! Nevertheless, my new mantra is..EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! Hence, i am sure that there is a goodness behind this disaster...lets just wait and see what happens..

Macbeth is all i think about..I seriously, honestly one to make this work..i am the director of the play and I am happy to lead..takes my mind of certain things that has happened recently..anyway, i have a bunch of wonderful people working with me...so, no worries! I really want ACT 2 to turn out so well that we will receive the highest from of praises from everyone(i know it sounds like a dream..but hey..dreams do come true at times!)

Well, whatever it is..no matter how bad of a situation i get entangled in, i know that there is always someone else out there in a much worse situation than the one that i am in....hence, life sucks..it is cruel..but i am going to show how smart i am to the life that treated me foolishly!

Saturday!

I can't even begin to tell u how annoyed i am! It is a Saturday and i should so be at home! I love my kids too much n my weekends are special to me! I am currently seated ever so comfortably(connotative) in my LDV class and listening to my friends present their findings. As i went yesterday(semi prepared), i am much more relaxed!

-holding on-

Today started and ended just as how my horoscope predicted it to be. I had my Learning Support class today in which i manage to escape from giving a speech(grinning), but there is still next week. Hence, i am going to be more prepared for my prepared speech(as if!).

However i wasn't too lucky for Language Development and I had to present without much practice. How do I feel?? Well, i don't know. I so did not expect them to squirm with discomfort. Since, when sex became such a taboo issue in college? There were people who presented on pre-marital sex and they did not receive the faces i got and my topic wasn't even sexually assaultive to listeners! It was just cervical cancer. Yes, cervical cancer has a lot to do with sex and probably thats why they did not like listening to such a fact! Well, I really liked that the boys actually paid attention! And one of the lecturers told me that i should have been in the medical faculty. My reaction? A smile. I know that I would have killed my patients with my love! Yes, i am very much a sensitive human being!

Our practice for the Macbeth play is going on quite well and I really do appreciate all my actors, technicians,prompters,exhibition team, costume department and my lovely props people. Everyone is working hard and we hope to make it.

Well, no matter how stupid life gets, I'm going to show it how smart I am. I am a princess at heart and that's the way things are!

-A rather "loud" life-

Its been quite some time now that I have tried ever so hardly to spin my life around, to pull myself up, and to just be the best i can. I decided to start this year in a rather quiet manner. However, obviously GOD had different plans for me. I wouldnt say im having a rather "loud" life, its just not a quiet one. How do I feel? I honestly don't know. People have seen me crying my heart out last year for trivial matters.To think about it now, it was silly wasn't it? To cry for someone that obviously didn't want you. But, I've told myself to let bygones be bygones because life moves on no matter what happens!

Another day!

I am pretty much busy and I absolutely love my life to be as such. I work better under pressure and in fact I enjoy being busy. Although I have nervous breakdowns(like what happened today), I know I will make it somehow. You may call it confidence, but I can assure you it is beyond that. I believe in myself and I am never going to let myself down because I love myself too much to watch myself fail.

As of today, we had the first full rehearsal for our Macbeth play. Yes, I had an extreme case of nervous breakdown right before our turn and all throughout Act 2, but my boys and girls made me proud.

I love all of them, all my boys and girls from FP2.5 and FP2.6. They rocked the stage! I know there is still room for improvement but I am extremely happy. My target for today was to just make it somehow. However, we received praises! So, we did more than we thought we could! I love every one of them(going a little overboard here). Right from my backstage crews to my actors, they did their best! Yes, we are going to do more! I hope to blow of the audience next!

Literally jumping with excitement,

ur darling princess!

-Macbeth n me-

Honestly, I want this play to work out..i want us, FP 2.5 and FP 2.6 to receive the highest form of praises from everyone..probably that's why i did not bud out right after completing my part, that is as the scriptwriter. I want ACT 2 to turn out well... I know i have a bunch of people that truly amazes me. They can act..i mean really act..they listen n learn from their mistakes..which is a quality i truly admire.. I know i can count on them...they will make me proud!

-Confused-

Its very hard to explain to people how i feel...i do not know why but im finding it very hard to open up..i have so many things in my chest that i can only wish to splutter out....i miss the way my life was yet i appreciate the new one that i have..i m very strong though i appear to be vulnerable...i have been through things that are beyond your wildest dreams..i m no more the girl next door..i m pretty tough..i know that everything happens for a reason..i m just trying to figure out the reason...

-A roller-coaster life-

I think all of us tend to feel that life often lets us down. I mean obviously there isn't going to be a all around happy person. but, getting to my point, life somehow still moves on.We still wake up the next day to continue with life.Probably GOD's greatest blessing for all of us is the strength to move on.Every one of us have the strength, its just that many of us fail to embrace it when life gets just a tad bit complicated.
One of my lecturers said something today that struck so deep in my heart. Somehow little words as those keep you strong. Quoting from her, she said, "so what if nobody likes you? The problem is with them, not you!" Although she meant that after saying that we had a choice of going solo or working in pairs, it held so much power. The words went beyond all that I have been going through in this few months at IPBA.
But, everyone has problems. It is just the way you deal with it. I'll go out, probably till the end of my life to stand true to all the decisions i take. I'm a firm believer when it comes to standing up for yourself. I will never forget nor forgive. I know its wrong to hold a grudge. But, when someone hurts you so bad, and you allowed that person to hurt you, its time to hold a grudge.
Just remember, tommorow still comes no matter how tough today is.
Feeling all positive,
Princess Raevarthy

Me n me!

It's been like what??..20 days since i last wrote? more or less i supposse....well, first thing is first, i always believed that there is always a limit to what you share on9..well, here i am crossing that limit..
Anyway, my sis is back!! i noe(YEAH) but then its so unfair that i have to be back at my college n of course staying at this ever dreadful hostel! (it isn't so dreadful this year)..but my point is, i miss her n i should have had more time with her..she landed on the 1st n i returned to ipba on the 3rd....if that isn't unfair, then please define the word unfairness for me.
You know what, i have this sudden craze for shoes! well, fine..u noe me better..i've always loved shoes...i mean there is nothing more sexier than confidence in a girl n to top off that attitude, a pair of shoes! so, despite my never ending shoe collection that i dun really put on for college because of the stupid staircase's all around ipba (my delicate foot!), im going on a shoe shopping spree this weekend with my cousin sis( bail out last minute, n i'll so kill u anita!)! I'm so looking forward for this weekend...back at home with my beloved babbies. Ruby n Dino, I miss u guys so much!
I have a feeling this sem is going to be a better one than last sem was(dun wanna talk about it!). Anyway, in the midst of my busy life(trying to sound proffesional here), i'll find time to let the world noe what my life is like...n if u dun wanna noe, honestly, y did u even open up my blog in the first place? But, as for the rest, with much love, Princess Raevarthy signs off.