Wednesday, June 29, 2011

When an old flame is rekindled.

Its quite funny to think about all that has happened in the last 24 hours. I still can't make sense of what happened yesterday and I still do not understand what God's plan is for me. I know that its wrong to surrender love to anyone but yourself. However, if you feel defeated as I did, there is only one place and one person in the whole wide world you can go to. And thats HIM. I believe that He will guide us when in darkness. Hence, when one part of my life started to elude me, I turned to HIM. And I whole heartedly believed that HE wanted me to move on. I did all that I can to finally forget and move on.
But yesterday's unplanned for encounter shifted my heart once more. The sparks. Ahh..too beautiful to even capture down in words. I know it may be nothing but I honestly lived in that few seconds. I liked the feel of feeling special. However, I hated to not be able to make sense of all that is happening. Is it my lost or yours? I can't figure out and it's killing me. I'm not scared for the future but I'm terrified of the present.
I once again ask HIM to guide me because I'm lost in this department. Its as though I'm in a huge tunnel and I can't find my way out. Friends are there to tell me what I want to hear not what i need to hear. All I want is for you to take me to where you think I belong. The pain and all...That's the later part of the equation. I want to be happy. To be able to say what I always wanted to say.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Just talk.

I have not spoken much about how I feel which is, honestly eating me up on the inside. I talk a lot and have my occasional outbursts but it's hard to feel like you have no one to talk to. Just to talk to. Not to laugh with, not to cry with but just to talk non-stop with. To say all I ever wanted to say. To run out of words. Maybe then I'd feel better. Maybe then I'd be able to go back to being who I am. Not many notice the changes in me because I mask it all. I try to be who I always was. But everything that has happened has hit me hard. Very hard indeed. One after another.
So, forget about the wishing stars because they don't work. I look up every night, spot a familiar star and wish with all my heart. I wish with a tiny hope that somewhere up there someone is hearing to me. Someone has an idea of how it feels to be me right now. But then again, when I take a deep breath and open my eyes, life is still the same. No one has heard me and no one is willing to. Even the life I hope exists beyond the stars. I look at the four walls that surround me and I know I'm alone. Alone like the stars that fade into the sunlight. I'm scared, terrified, in tears and all I ask for is someone to hold my hand and listen to me. Not those long advices nor that prayers. I just want to talk. Talk non-stop. Talk till I run out of words. Talk till I feel better. Talk. Just talk.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

-A tough lesson to learn.

The sounds of me tapping on my computer, the rush of emotions as I try to string words together, the occasional tears that fall when I read my old posts..and just the joy of writing. I've missed it all. It has been so long since i last wrote that it surprises me to admit to the fact that I don't know what to write about. I have so much to say yet I know I cant say much. Life is just way difficult when you go through something mot many know about. I am a different person today than who i was 12 days ago. Maybe it's fated, maybe its not. I guess I will never know. Either way, life moves on.