Wednesday, August 31, 2011

My Lord Ganesha.

I was born with his blessings and naturally I'm very much devoted to him. I have his pictures and statues everywhere around my house. I truly believe that he was there for me throughout my life and will be for the rest of my breathing days in this world. He was the one i held to when I stood alone in the long hospital alley twice, once last year and again this year. I always wonder how can people not believe in God, when I can feel his presence around me. I know he is the one that leads me to the right path. He is a little playful though. Loves to let me learn my lesson the hard way. But he is always there to lift me up and pat me.
I visited him today in the temple and it was a beautiful prayers offered. I closed my eyes and I could feel this energy around. A vibe like no other. I'm reminded of this power every time i stand in front of him. I bow to you Ganesha. Happy birthday.

I surrender to you, Lord Ganesha. You are the speaker. You are the listener. You are the giver. You are the sustainer. I am your disciple. Protect me from the front and back. Protect me from the north and the south, from above and below. Protect me from all directions.

You are full of perfect knowledge of truth and awareness. You are full of bliss and pure consciousness. You are truth, consciousness and bliss. You are the absolute awareness. You are full of supreme wisdom and knowledge.

You are the earth, water, fire, air and the space. You are the root foundation of speech. You are beyond the three gunas: ‘sattva’, ‘rajas’ and ‘tamas.’ You are beyond the physical, mental and causal bodies. You are beyond the three aspects of time: past, present and future. You are eternally established in the muladhara chakra. You have three shaktis: action, knowledge and will.

Salutation to the Ganapati whose seed mantra is Aum Gam. We know Ekadanta, the One-tusked God, the unique God. We meditate upon Vakratunda, the curved-trunk God. May that unique elephant God illumine our consciousness and direct us along the right track.

Ganesh Upanishad
(Source: Ganapatyatharshirsham,
Translated from Sankrit by Dr. Vasant Lad)

Olla September.

Less than 3 months to go. Its hard now. It's going to be even worse. But, I'm holding on. It takes all that I have to not buzz, not msg, to not appear clingy. It takes all i have to not do all that I want. Its what you want after all.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

When it comes to love...:)

I don't know how to say this,
the words walking through my mind.
I can't put pen to paper,
the sentence I can't find,
for the feelings deep inside my heart.
I pray to god above,
for the right words to tell you,
how much I have fallen in love.
-Andy Hughes-

When it comes to love, im a princess firmly waiting for my prince to sweep me off my feet. When it comes to love, im blind. I cant see and im not bothered. It's hard to hold on despite knowing that its time you set him free. I should not do this to myself. I should not dwell in sadness and I should wipe away the tears. I'm not willing to. I'm staying right here because this is what i believe in. The wait is long, but I'm still waiting. :)

Monday, August 29, 2011

when you find yourself in a cliff, not wanting to fall off...:(

Where do I even start? Where should I end? So much to say and yet no words are permitting me to do so. I'm a nice girl and I deserve far better than all this hurt but I don't want to move. In fact, all that i'm thinking is that i should run out right now, at 2.26 a.m, hug you and tell you it's going to be ok. That I understand you are confused, that I want to be there for you, that I want to be a part of your future and that I just love you so much. I know I sound silly but you can never tell a human heart to feel a certain way. It has a mind of its own. I have so much to say if only I had the opportunity to do so. I just want you to know, if ever you stumble across this entry, you mean a lot to me, more than what people may say, more than what words can ever explain, more than love itself. If only you knew. If only.
I'll wait even if it means waiting forever
I'll write even if it means running out of words
I'll never give up even if it means trying again and again
I'll just put on a strong face, shake off the hurt, wipe away the tears, and put a foot forward with confidence.
I believe in this and I'm not giving up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

eeecccccchhhhhaaaaaakkkkkkkk! Im back!

Today is the day I sit and explain why I have disappeared for so long. Who do I blame it on? Well, I've always been the girl who blames everything on its my fault then. I have hid out of shame. I've pushed people away because I myself don't know how to survive in a world that constantly finds fault. I've struggled to grow up. I've had sleepless nights with a feel that i would never have all that I want. On the contrary, I have also walked around with this fearless face saying im ready for it all, I've done what my heart desired to not caring whether its the right thing to do, i've stick up for things i believe in and im proud of myself. So, how do i equate on whether i've been on the right track or not for the duration of my disappearance? Its still a blurry world for me but i like it that way.
I am all that I have ever wanted to be. Sure, I stumble occasionally and I screw up things when i shouldn't. I am scared to even walk into a dark room and yet i pretend like im brave to take on anything. I am very weak on the inside and i cry on almost any issues. I am not matured and yet, who cares? I'm 20. I still have a long way to go. So, why bother? I'm gonna do things i believe in, and i dont give a damn if its the right thing o not. Im gonna live each day with no regrets and even if i fail miserably at the end, im gonna be proud of myself. And, thats how much I love myself.
So, if i like you, im going to tell u so. If i hate you, im not gonna let you push me down. N if i find myself with 40 over letters and so much love to offer, im going to gamble with my heart and let you know how i feel. And thats how much i trust my instinct. :)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Its finally here...:)

Monday, August 22nd. I suppose this would turn out to be a day I'd remember forever, either way it goes. I'm feeling all jittery on the inside and surprisingly, I don't feel like going back to where I was. I have made a decision and I know i should stick to it no matter what happens. I'm ready. Ready than I'll ever be. I'm prepared for this battle. Its still a win for me even if I lose out. Cross your fingers and pray for me. Pray that I have the strength to say all I want to say. Pray that I don't screw up things that has taken me weeks to plan. Pray that I am proud of myself at the end. Just pray for me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The day my heart got damaged...:(

Okay. So i have been missing for a few days and those that know me know that I love to write and keep my blog updated. So, where did I go you ask? Well...lets just say that I have been having an extremely rocky start to August. Sometimes the phrase, "everything happens for a reason" just doesn't make sense. I have been having a lot in my plate lately and it is taking me forever to digest it all, if you get what I mean.
Let me narrate how my August kicked off.
I had been going back and forth on an important decision that I have been avoiding to make. Finally, I found myself standing on a fence not willing to lean on either side but that decision to open up and gamble with my heart has been made and I'm just waiting for "the day". Wish me luck peeps, Id surely need it. And as August crawled in, so did a major issue to deal with.
I have been driving back and forth from college for a few weeks now with my dad's car as I did not have any transport and I absolutely hate troubling people. Everyone told me that I couldn't handle the busy roads of KL and I was desperate to prove them wrong. Everything went on fine. I didn't have a head to head collision with a car and I managed to look calm and comfy behind the wheel. And then, the absolute unimaginable thing in the entire world happened!
Some girl who happens to be a senior just had to hit my car which was safely, accurately parked at block 8. I parked it in the box, got down to make sure no one could even think of "geser-ing" against it, and kaboom! It happened! But, as it turns out, she was kind enough to come search and say she was sorry as well as pay for the damage. But then again, the real damage wasnt to the car, it was to my heart. I had to trouble an extremely nice person who drove to KL at 1 in the midnight upon hearing me cry in the phone, spoke to the girl, defended me at home when the bombarding started and hunted for a workshop with me. He was there through it all and there was no reason for him to be. I could only relate it to one phrase, "GOD appears in the form of humans to help those in need". And that was what I saw in him. Thank you so much Adrian. I owe you one. I seriously do.
Anyway, the whole damage as you can see is to my reputation at home. My dad and mum and i think just about everyone has absolutely banned me from ever taking the car to college. But the thing is, it wasn't even my fault to begin with. I had nothing to do with the entire incident and though people say "accidents happen", it just wasn't my fault! How do you prove that to people? How do you regain a person's trust? Haiz...It has been a crappy August and it is only 5 days in. I just wonder what could happen nexT. The future is a very shadowy place to pay a visit, so I shall just swim with the flow.