Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Life is not for losers. It is for the brave. For those that can put up with the differing personalities of those around them and for those that can subtly change masks from one scene to the other in this world stage we call life. Ironically, all these happen without us realising. We don't know the true meaning of life and of course death. A friend of mine asked me the other day, why are you so obsessed with death. To which I answered, it is the world of the unknown and isn't it in every one of us to desire and want something that is forbidden and out of the norm? When we were young, we always wanted deserts for dinner and that never really happened did it? I remember throwing tantrums and mum never budging. She was firm. I got what I should, nothing out of the norm.And now at the age of 21, the other world, with its possibilities invites me. It digs deep down to my curiosity, leaving no room for sanity. Losing the people I have lost, sets this spark in me to want to explore that which is unknown. Where have they went to? And that comfort that I feel at my most darkest hours, is it from this source of love? How can one even answer that? So, here I am. Asking myself questions that no one seem to have the answer to. Religion says one thing and science says the other. So, which way shall I lean into? It is indeed a tough choice to make. The identity crisis that I am having with the religious me and the science me is one that I am afraid will swallow the real me. And then what am I left with? Nothing but desire. Desire to know the unknown.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
For a friend we tear and for a friend we laugh. We hold the hands of our friends in times of need and we shoulder them when they need us the most. A million thoughts in my mind and it has been there for a very long time indeed. I never found the courage to pen down this entry and I allow you to call me a chicken for that. I was never the kinda person who was afraid of saying what she feels, though I am sometimes clouded by my own judgements. But as you read on, you will find that I have a portion dedicated to two people whose names I have simply written as "Anonymous person one" and "Anonymous person two". It is not out of fear that I have done that. I just figured that it is simpler this way. Writing this today makes me realise how much I have been through and how much more I am looking forward to in this magical journey of friendship. Most importantly, I realise that these thoughts are one that should be put up for no one is perfect and I humbly bow down to that concept. Some people say that love is a war and the process is one that can be likened to having thorns in your shoes. With every step, every chapter, you bleed a little more. But, even if you bleed in love, the wounds are not one that remains forever for love itself is one that renews itself when you least expect it to. But, friends are not our lovers. We can love a friend but to what extent? I am me and you are you. And in between of us, we are bounded by a bridge called friendship. How much can we love a friend? That is an answer that I don't have. I know that love comes easily for me but being that open hearted has caused scars that are not healing. So, with experience comes maturity. I am proud of who I am today. That seems to be more than enough to tell you that those that I have tied in my heart will remain there for a long time indeed and those that I have pushed away will always eat at my conscience but I know it is for the best. To you, my anonymous person number one, there is regret in decisions I have taken, I can tell you that. But, being lied to is not one that I can tolerate in a million years. So, I tell myself each day that I gave you so much but you threw it away. I will let time heal that wound and time change you to be the better person that I know you are. Not for me or for anyone, but for yourself. And to you, my anonymous person number two, the one at the other end of the line, you are special. It has been crazy hasn't it? We started of so much further down the road and we worked backwards. It did not go smoothly and I took the first step to walk off. Do I regret it? That my friend is an answer that no one will ever know. We are okay this way aren't we? The way it was supposed to be right from the beginning. Like I said readers, we love a friend to an extent even we are not sure of. We don't know where the mark lies as to what is acceptable and what is not. All that we can do is to smile and let the one above us work his magic. So, today, I am still saying this. I am me and you are you. And in between us, if we are lucky enough is a bridge called friendship.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Forever in this heart of mine, an everlasting bond, for now until the end of time, are memories so fond.
"You never said I'm leaving, you never said goodbye. You were gone before I knew it, and only God knew why. A million times I needed you, a million times I cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still; In my heart you hold a place, that no one could ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home" I still search for answers and I still don't understand. If love is what that one needs to survive, then love itself has no value. Because no matter how much you shower a person with love, it is not sufficient to beat the master of all, DEATH. It is true that one should live life to the fullest, do what one desires with no worries or whatsoever of tomorrow, for death does not come with calling bells. It strikes at the most random hours and for the reasons unknown to mankind. But, no one says what that one should do to move on with life now that death has struck. Truth is, no one knows. We all smile, laugh, and move on. But somewhere deep down in the hearts of anyone who has lost someone special, life never really does get better. True, the sun does shine after it rains. But the sun never really does remove what one feels when it rained. The sun and rain here is of course a metaphor, one that I have written for I have no other ways or words to truly pen down how much grief my heart holds. How do I explain my crave for a physical form that I would gladly give away my life to get a glimpse of just one more time. Although I believe that death never takes away the spiritual connection you have with a person, even I know that it is not the same. And here is where the power of touch should be given much glory. Just one more touch. I know millions of us crave for just one more touch of the person that time took away from us in the name of death. That one feel, can I even get close to explaining how much it means? Where you were, now there are only memories and sometimes even I wonder if memories are enough.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
July has not kick-started yet and no, i do not like that. Hence, in an attempt to expand my contacts list, I am looking for a total random stranger that I can have a total random conversation with. It is difficult I must say coz I am not a person who adds any random person online into my FB list. Reason? Well, I do not see the relevance of having them know what am I up to or me knowing about them for that matter considering the fact that I have never ever met them in person. Okay okay. I know. I just confused you. Well, in simpler terms, I think being safe is better than being sorry. Right. So now you are wondering why on earth would I want a random stranger to have a conversation with me right? Well, life is getting a little boring and I am quite burdened with the whole process of being matured and bla bla that I wanna feel young and alive. And when you talk to a stranger, you get to be whoever that you want. The thrill and excitement of getting to know a person is one that I honestly like. So ya, how shall I put this? I want to get to know new people so that I just feel like I am young. You know, a boost to the spirit perhaps? Well, still looking, so ya. Wish me luck aites? *winks*