Sitting in a puddle.

There is this one quote...a saying perhaps, that has been spinning around my head for a couple of weeks now. It started way back when I said my final goodbyes in college and drove home. It has been there, kinda like a drug that I keep on going back to. It's there alright and it is driving me crazy.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.

Remembering the last 5 1/2 years in IPBA.

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Less than 2 months to go for me to bid goodbye to IPBA for now. For now in the sense that I want to return to IPBA as someone on the other side one day ( a dream I know I will work very hard to make sure it comes true). Nevertheless, goodbyes always hurts, at least for me. When I really give it a thought, the last 5 1/2 years that I have spent here has definitely made me someone I am proud being. I started IPBA with a bang. Then, somewhere along the years, with all the twists and turns that happened in my personal life, it changed me. Lost a few friends along the way. Gained many back. People I once thought I can never see myself living without slowly settled in that faded memory corner of my mind. I walked into this place thinking 5 years would pass by so quickly that I wouldn't even realise it and yet, now that I am finally reaching what I'd like to call "the end" I can not stay true to that statement.
I remember everything that has happened here. Every tear shed, every laughter shared, every kind words spoken to me, every beautiful soul that has embraced me, all the lecturers that has pushed to be a better teacher, the ones who has showed me how amazing I am, if i set my mind straight and undeniably the many friends I have made here who loved me so much even when I wasn't very lovable. I am so grateful for everything and everyone. Even the bad looks so good now. I am envious of my juniors who get to spend another few years in such a magical place. I can almost here you squirm there, but honestly, this is a magical place.
My life is about to change dramatically. I am very excited, thrilled to the core and yet engulfed with lots of nerves. I don't know where life is going to take me after this but I know that if I keep my positive outlook, I will be fine. I speak a lot about growing up in my posts and yet nothing has felt more real than it is now. Will be touching 24 in a few months and boy, isn't that an achievement. Came here with a childish outlook towards everything, a carefree personality and now even with the childishness intact, I am a matured young lady. IPBA has contributed immensely towards that, definitely.
So yes, in the next 2 months, I am going to breathe into this air of love as much as I can. Here is to discovering the me I wanna be when I walk out of those gates. I don't know what is going to happen, where the future is going to take me, but I know it can never be anything lesser than amazing.

A tribute to the friendship we have shared. My ZZZ-AAA gang. :)

What is that four letter word we call LOVE?

What is it about hearts, roses and chocolates that reminds even the nerdiest of hearts of love? And here I am, Miss Love/Romance trying my very best to not be reminded of all those. Need to focus on work, on studies, on being a responsible bla bla.
But then in those quiet nights of watching a romantic comedy or reading this really touching, heartfelt write up someone does on their social media site and I am left floating into my fantasy world in which I am smiling a little too freely, my head arched back and butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I am in love in that world with a prince. (No, you don't get to criticise my fantasy world).
 So, getting back to this world, there is so much talks about love or about wanting to be loved or the magic of being in love and really, who are we kidding? Even the nerdiest or realists of us all have at least once wondered if it is indeed possible to love someone so truly, madly, deeply and above all be loved that way in return. I know I sound a little skeptic tonight but it's a question worth asking.
There are far too many of us who are in a relationship with someone for so many reasons and when you ask them "Do you love him/her", they are left questioning what is love. And then there is another portion of us who have no idea where we stand with a certain someone in our lives and we call it love. Oh ya, not to forget, the other half of us who are constantly putting ourselves out there, walking around with a hope and promise that with every person that we meet, every someone that we date would somehow magically bring us closer to experiencing a magic like no other that so many people call "LOVE" with someone. Cliche scenarios?
LOVE. A four letter word with so many definitions, point of views and principles attached to it. How can something that is promised to be so beautiful, be so much work? I have got myself asking that tonight.
Here's the thing about love. You do not know when it happens but when it does it gives u a spiral, a thrill, equated to having an adrenaline rush. You look at things slightly different, everything either makes so much sense suddenly or doesn't at all but you could be the least bothered about it. Life suddenly seems a happier, exciting place to live, of course with the company of this magnificent being you have come to know. That is LOVE defined by many throughout many centuries.
So, that is the question for tonight. What is Love? Is it adrenaline rush never running out? Infatuation that has matured? Lust with a new word? What is Love?

When a traveler returns home, he/she finds life.

I was reading a book recently which spoke greatly about meditation, what it does to the body and mind, how liberating it is to feel, quoting, "free". We all have heard that. Some of us, even lucky enough to have experienced this life changing moment of uniting with a force that resides deep in us. It isn't so much of that whole event of finding something bigger than us or about knowing "peace" with ones self that fascinates me. It is undoubtedly the feeling of going back to everyday life once that happens. What happens after finding peace, solidarity and quietness? What happens after a traveler returns home from his journey of finding himself? What happens then? Life happens.

I found my peace recently. How and why it happened is irrelevant to this. But, I am interested to talk about what happened after I did. Life has a funny way of showing us things, of proving to us how awesome it really is if we could look past all the trials and tribulations that come with it. 

Today is an important day to me. I do not go out much, do not see my friends enough, do not bother keeping in touch that much. Not that I do not like to. But there is a part of me, the bruised, battered soldier part that continues to make appearances when I least expect it to. Perhaps, I fear that part being conjured up that I choose to live in silence. Today, I laughed a lot, smiled more than that and above all, I reminded myself how it feels to feel...carefree. Perhaps it is the tiny sense of security and comfort that old friendships bring or maybe it is just me, adjusting to life after the journey of finding something bigger than me. Whatever it is, I treasure it. I wish there was a way for me to document this feeling. Perhaps put it a jar, so that I can release it when I want to. Impossible? I know.

To the One who is watching this happen to me, thank you. Because now, I know I am okay. I am healed. And nothing feels better than knowing you have the entire universe at your fingertips. *crosses arms and smiles*

HEALING. HOPE. HAPPINESS

"That surely took you a long time to make a comeback Raevarthy", I hear my inner voice mocking me. You have to trust me when I say this, I wanted to write. I really did. So badly. But each time I opened up a blank post, my mind mirrored that which I saw and it went blank too. So much has happened in so little time. But then again, that phrase is one that is too familiar with me. Been a while since I wrote, so I don't care. I don't care of the nature of my post, my surroundings or the stinging pain I feel at the back of my eyes and head. No, I don't care. I need to speak. I need to voice out. I need to say things. And above all, I need to hear myself being sane and human.
That's a big word, isn't it? Sane and human. I am okay. In fact, I am beyond okay. "So, what the hell are you doing Raevarthy?" miss inner voice points out. Truth is, I don't know. I feel compelled to tell you this today and perhaps its the fact that I have so much to do and no way of starting out that I am here typing away. It is a beautiful Monday in an amazing school. So, let me tell you exactly what has happened.
I found my sense of living. No, it isn't something you or me can see. It has no voice and yet it can be a persistent friend. It has life, that's for sure. It is nagging me to be the best version of myself, and really when you think about it, what else is better than that?
Remember that time when you fell and grazed your knee? It hurt but it hurt even worse when you rubbed medicine on it or remember how difficult it was trying not to look down at your bleeding knees? Put me in that situation, minus the knees but keep the pain.
8 months later and it still hurts. Losing someone so close to me has left a deafening silence in my heart. And then, when I decided to heal myself, rubbing stillness and quietness into my wound, it hurts even worse. I am fully aware of the fact that I have come a long way. I have let go of many bitter memories and yet give me a plush chair, some slow music, and my mind starts conjuring up images. And what do you have after that? Yes, me sobbing quietly in the corner trying to rock myself into a world in which everything makes sense. Because right here, right now, nothing does.
So yes, where did I find my sense of living? In a place so deep within me. In a little cloud I'd like to call hope. No matter what you have been through or what you ARE going through, please do not forget that there is a system in you, away from all your physical self. And this system, this magnificent working is called HOPE. You need to find your strength to hold on to whatever little hope that you have left. It is the only thing that you must do. Take it from me. Everyone goes through hell and I have been there too. Yet, I am not burned by it. I am scarred, yes, but not burned. I am alive. I am taking charge of my life. I am working it my way, one thing at a time, slow and steady I tell myself. So, take it from me. Listen loud and clear.
You are special. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are magnificent and you deserve everything good in life. Something wonderful is on its way to you. Just have hope. Happiness is on its way to you.

Ps: If you can make sense of this, thank you. :)

Be beautiful. Be amazing. Be magnificent. Above all, be you. :)

I was here a few months ago still figuring out how to take the next step in my life. Too many things at once happened way too fast. I was lost and sinking. I owe it to my cheery personality and gigantic smile that saves me each time I dwell into my emotions. That is going to change...right about now.
You know, it takes inspiration to write and you gotta know, my inspiration has a way of striking at the oddest of hours. But I have to be here now. I have to pen this down. I am in a point in my life right now that it feels good to simply be me. Oh no no, I ain't perfect but that's okay. I am me.
I have battled the worst of demons, I have sunk way more times than you ever will and I am still gasping for air. But know what, it feels good. It feels good to grow up.
Today I want to tell you how important it is to believe in yourself. You have to know this because it took me a long time to really trust myself, my emotions and my dreams. If I had a chance to rewind to the last few years of my life, I will hold my own head high up and tell myself that I am strong and I can do this. I will tell myself that life is what I make of it. But, I can't. So let me tell you that today. I can start telling you one story after the next of which I saw dead ends and yet I raised from my own ashes to be strong and still it will be just a story. So, let me draw from you. Let me take you to a journey to understand yourself.
Bad things happen. That's just the way things are. You can't question anyone for anything that has been happening in your life. No one owes you anything, and that includes GOD. You see that challenge? That mountain ahead? The dead end? It is just an illusion. You can break through it. My dear, you can so do this. You are stronger than what you believe. Nothing bad ever happens to us. It is what we make of situations that determines what the outcomes are. You are a magnificent human being with so much to offer the world. Rise now. Put your hands over your heart. Feel that? You are alive. You can do so much from just being alive. Gotta dream you wanna achieve? Start now. You wanna break free from a sinking relationship? Do it now! You wanna follow what your heart says? Go ahead! It is your life and yes, you have all the abilities and talent in the world to lead your own life!
Be beautiful. Be amazing. Be magnificent. Above all, be you.

Being single isn't a misfortune. It is a privilege, a choice and a decision.

So here I am. At a juncture in my life in which all my friends are either attached, getting engaged, or dating in the hopes of finding that "someone" to spend the rest of their lives with and I am still jotting down notes, adding on to an already long list of what I want in a prince charming and yes, I still refer him as "prince charming". I am officially 23, i am independent, i am in love with life and yes, i am waiting patiently to be swept off my feet by the perfect guy. Of course, perfect here is subjective and before you start arguing with me that there is no such thing as perfectness, i'll tell you that I see imperfection as the most beautiful thing on Earth and that is perfect to me.

So, here I am. A post on an idiot who is stuck in a tree I suppose. But the catch is, I am not impatient. I am not waiting to fall in love. I am completely, head over heels in love with my life. I am doing things that I love. I am exploring stuffs and I am meeting so many wonderful people who are teaching me new things about everything under the sun. So really, I am ok. 

This post is meant to tell you that it doesn't matter if you are still single. It doesn't matter if everyone thinks you should already be attached to someone and yes, there is absolutely nothing to rush about. You are you. You are young. You are beautiful. You are worth your own opinion. Never ever feel rejected, overwhelmed or not worthy of a relationship. Trust me honey, there is nothing wrong with you. 

Remember this. Life is so so so big. There is so much about yourself for you to learn about. There is so much about you that you can fall in love with. Of course it will get lonely but when you learn that there is a happiness in that alone time, you will understand what I am talking about. 

Love is an amazing feeling. An out of this world experience that you deserve to have with the right person. Never get in a relationship just because you think you are getting older or just because someone is in love with you. Ask yourself, are you in love with that person? Can you imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person? Does it hurt? If your answer is no to any of that question, then stop. Stop wanting to settle for anything less than what you deserve. 

And yes, there is such a person called "Prince Charming" and "Princess Charming". He/She is out there somewhere. He/She will come into your life at the right moment and just like a tornado it will hit you one day without you even realising. And it will be the most unique feeling ever. Trust me, it is worth the wait. 

Signing off with love,
a princess who is in love with her life while waiting for her prince. 

Just when I thought, I am okay.

And a month later I am here. This blog is serving more as a shoulder to lean on rather than expressing my views on matters. As much as I despise that, I know it takes emotions to write and right now, this is what I feel. Kinda doesn't sound that matured considering the fact that I just turned 23 this week. But then again, my heart has always been extra sensitive and my soul is complaining that it can't keep up. So, where do I go then?
Been having a roller coaster ride in terms of emotions for me. I feel the spark in me slowly turn off and despite the fire still burning, it isn't glowing. Turning 23 felt a lot lonely and less celebratory for me. Probably due to the fact that I am not used to being away from home on the day of my birthday. I missed mum, dad, even the sister who is in another country, the love of my life, my Baby Dino and above all, I miss the one who has gone to another world. That left me bawling out like a child in the night, much to the dismay of my friends. Trust me, when I break, it is with a loud crash. But then again, crying is good for the soul. It cleanses parts of you, allowing you to move on. But moving on just seems like a huge word for me. I am still here, caught up in hidden emotions, trying not to mix it all up.
School has been good so far. I love my job and I certainly look forward to waking up each and every morning to go to school. Been having a little problem with some children but I believe that would be solved soon. I have fallen madly and deeply in love with a small child that I am tutoring. He can't read well in English and struggles through but honestly, he is a sweetheart. His willingness to learn and the extent to which he pushes himself reinforces my principle that the best way to teach is from the heart, out of love. I'll definitely put up a post dedicated to him soon.
Apart from that, I feel that my life is moving on but I am not. I don't know how to exactly pen down with words all that I am feeling but I can tell you this, it hurts to feel lonely in a crowded room.

After 4 months, a 4 hour sleep brought me here.

Writing is easy. You sit in front of a blank page and you bleed. From your heart, soul and every vein that you have. I have decided to bleed today. It has been 4 whole months since I last wrote. My life has taken such a detour and I have climbed so many invisible mountains that I am sitting here a new person. A friend of mine once asked me, "why is your blog so dark?" Dark here of course refers to a state of sadness. My answer has always been the same. You take from it what you can and you try to infer in your own way. I will always write from my soul.

Little did I know back then that I would be sitting here reading my own old posts and trying to find the old me back. In these few months I have lost someone so dear and close to me that the wound is still healing. Tears still flow and memories still find a way to tug at my heart. I lost my soul mate, best friend and the love of my life. When she went, a part of me went with her. I know she is okay over there. I know she has wonderful friends to look after her in the after life realm. She was always someone who made friends fast. But I am here. I am struggling to get by. A million questions asked, a thousand demanding tone later, I am still not done. I have not found my closure. And I am okay with that. This pain keeps me alive. Keeps me wanting to survive for the ones I still have.
So, what am I doing here today? I have no answer for that. 4 odd hours of sleep, a pile of work to be completed, and so many errands to run. I just needed a break. And a familiar smell of comfort that this blog has provided me with. I promise to dust the hanging cobwebs and return with a way cheery post soon. Till then, I leave you with hugs and kisses.
Signing off,
Raevarthy