"That surely took you a long time to make a comeback Raevarthy", I hear my inner voice mocking me. You have to trust me when I say this, I wanted to write. I really did. So badly. But each time I opened up a blank post, my mind mirrored that which I saw and it went blank too. So much has happened in so little time. But then again, that phrase is one that is too familiar with me. Been a while since I wrote, so I don't care. I don't care of the nature of my post, my surroundings or the stinging pain I feel at the back of my eyes and head. No, I don't care. I need to speak. I need to voice out. I need to say things. And above all, I need to hear myself being sane and human.
That's a big word, isn't it? Sane and human. I am okay. In fact, I am beyond okay. "So, what the hell are you doing Raevarthy?" miss inner voice points out. Truth is, I don't know. I feel compelled to tell you this today and perhaps its the fact that I have so much to do and no way of starting out that I am here typing away. It is a beautiful Monday in an amazing school. So, let me tell you exactly what has happened.
I found my sense of living. No, it isn't something you or me can see. It has no voice and yet it can be a persistent friend. It has life, that's for sure. It is nagging me to be the best version of myself, and really when you think about it, what else is better than that?
Remember that time when you fell and grazed your knee? It hurt but it hurt even worse when you rubbed medicine on it or remember how difficult it was trying not to look down at your bleeding knees? Put me in that situation, minus the knees but keep the pain.
8 months later and it still hurts. Losing someone so close to me has left a deafening silence in my heart. And then, when I decided to heal myself, rubbing stillness and quietness into my wound, it hurts even worse. I am fully aware of the fact that I have come a long way. I have let go of many bitter memories and yet give me a plush chair, some slow music, and my mind starts conjuring up images. And what do you have after that? Yes, me sobbing quietly in the corner trying to rock myself into a world in which everything makes sense. Because right here, right now, nothing does.
So yes, where did I find my sense of living? In a place so deep within me. In a little cloud I'd like to call hope. No matter what you have been through or what you ARE going through, please do not forget that there is a system in you, away from all your physical self. And this system, this magnificent working is called HOPE. You need to find your strength to hold on to whatever little hope that you have left. It is the only thing that you must do. Take it from me. Everyone goes through hell and I have been there too. Yet, I am not burned by it. I am scarred, yes, but not burned. I am alive. I am taking charge of my life. I am working it my way, one thing at a time, slow and steady I tell myself. So, take it from me. Listen loud and clear.
You are special. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are magnificent and you deserve everything good in life. Something wonderful is on its way to you. Just have hope. Happiness is on its way to you.
Ps: If you can make sense of this, thank you. :)