Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A glimpse into my 2011..:)

With the year ending, I have decided to list down a few memories that I'd forever treasure. But then again, there are memories that are too painful to relive as well. Anyway, sometimes you just have to put the past behind and move on with life. And I have lived through enough to know that life always moves on.
The most that I remember about 2011 is how much I have learnt about people. I have been blessed enough to get to know how much people can change in just a matter of seconds. But in saying that, I do not deny that I have changed as well. Time has made me a wiser person. I thank 2011 for that lesson learnt.
I have had excellent people, shoulders to lean on. I have hit rock bottom a few times this year but they kept me going. Let me name them for you. The first would be a roommate that I thought will never get along with me, but ended up being my best friend, being there for me through it all, Bagya! Bagya, if you are reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the times I was silly and you kept me sane. If it was not for you, I would have sunk into a deep depression. Lets stay friends for live k? *touchwood*
The next would be my very practical sister in college, Kak Nab. If you need someone to tell you what to do when you don't know what to do, then she is the person. She is an amazing person and I have been blessed to have had known her. She tells you things as it is. No sugar-coatedness. Life with her is unscripted and that is how things should be. Love her to bits!
The next thing I learnt in 2011 is to be random! Randomness took a huge part of my life. I was random and I loved every second of it. The way I see it, I might have done things that are too embarrassing, but I do not regret any part of it. I feel free! I feel happy!
And with that, in 2011, somewhere along the way, I opened up my heart for the very first time and I got it broken. But, no worries. I'm healed. I'm healed in a way I never thought I would. I learnt that things don't necessarily go your way, but its okay because God has better plans. I'm healed and I'm proud of myself.
I have met so many wonderful people in 2011 that I promise you I would tell you all about very soon. I will write a very long post to sum up my 2011. For now, I am wishing for miracles to happen as I welcome in 2012.
Will 2012 be a better year for me? I guess time will tell.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Evening ramble on a humid day.

If you asked me how I feel right now, I'd say that i'm exhausted, tired and I feel as though I have the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. And that reminds me of something I forgot to tell you. Recently an astrologer told my mum that I am a person who thinks too much. I put my head into things I shouldn't worry about. He said that it's not like I have to worry but I worry. I looked at him and thought, "You have no idea what you are saying". But ya, I admit that he did get my personality laid out. Well, not all of it. But ya. Anyway, my point is that I feel lost.
Well, don't get me wrong. I'm not weak. I mean, I can handle life. But..I just...Well, at times, there is just so much that a person can take. I know complaining doesn't take you anywhere. And I know that I should be positive about things.I mean, if you read this blog often, you know how positive I am. But, at times, amidst all that positivity and all that courage, I can't help but ask, "Why me?" or "How much more?" This past week has had me thinking of life in general.
Like the other day, when I was in the clinic, I saw a hourglass on the doctor's table. And then I remembered a quotation I read once. "Life is like an hourglass. You hit rock bottom and then you just have to wait around for someone to come turn it around" And I laughed. I mean, my life would be a perfect example of an hourglass. Let me explain.
It's true. You hit rock bottom, wait for someone to come turn your life around and then what happens? You hit rock bottom again! And the process continues. Is that what life was meant to be. I d know that I am one of the luckiest girls on earth for I have food to eat, a place to stay and clothes on my back. I am far better off than milions of girls in other corners of earth that don't even have that. I am not abused. I have an education. I have a family that loves me.
But ya. At times, things just get so hard. Like I think of the future and I all I have are questions. One thing at once. That's the way I am living right now. But ya. I guess, if life was a game, I really feel like I am losing right now. And, I know I hate losing. So, what am I to do?
Anyway, I just felt like writing. I felt like getting things outta my system.

Wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Stay blessed people! :)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A silent cry.

And it is as such that with clasped hands, and a strong front, fighting the warm tears that threaten to gush down, I made a decision. All that ran in my head was "What am I to do when I don't know what to do?". I hoped someone would magically appear right then, hold my hands and tell me its ok. It's alright for they would make that decision for me. That they would take care of things. But I turned to see faces looking at my own. With a raised impatient look, people started questioning. I was already broken into pieces when I said, "I think we'll do as you said". And I knew I would have to live with that sin for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter how much I cried afterwards. Nothing would wash me of the regret of not being able to care for that stray puppy. He looked into my eyes and I turned away, refusing to meet his pity gaze. I knew then that even he was mocking me for my inability to make a simple decision. But, how do you decide when you know either way he is going to be alone.?Was I the only one who thought loneliness hurts? Was I the only one who believed that you always need someone to survive on in life? I walked into my room, shut the door and sobbed into my pillow. I looked at my own Ruby and Dino and knew that I would die the very next second if anything at all should happen to them. Why did God create animals if they are not able to fend for themselves?

Friday, December 16, 2011

Your life, your rules.

Maybe that's how life works. Before you realise it, everything you knew and loved has been cruelly taken away from you. The life you lived in, the people you knew, the emotions you felt...Maybe that's how life works after all. How much do we mature with every experiences in life depends on how much we allow ourselves to hurt and bear the pain that follows. Changes are not good. Changes hurt. Changes make you weep. Changes rip away all that you know off. But changes make you a tiny bit stronger. And that is what we all need to hold on to. The fact that there is still another tomorrow shows that life doesn't wait for anyone. It doesn't stop to feel your pain or to grieve with you. No one will understand you. No one will feel the exact same pain that you feel. So, its up to you to pick yourself up, shrug off the pain, wipe away the tears, take a deep breath and put a foot forward. You are unanswerable to anyone but yourself. And that is how life works. Your life, your rules.

Mojo, I so need you!

It is ironic how much I have in my heart and mind that deserves to have a spot in this blog and yet I can't seem to find the spirit or soul to write. Yada yada yada. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm a firm believer that you can never write unless you have the passion to do so. Hence, I have left my darling blog( I should so name my blog) unattended for a few days. I know i know. That is so not me right? But ya, things happen. Anyway, lets not go there. I guess what I wanna say today is that I have lost my "mojo" to write. And ya, it kills me to say that, but as you know...I won't write anything until I find my mojo back. So, help me ya. :)
Mojo, come back to me!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A walk to finding true love

It is surprising how much I tear whenever I watch "A walk to remember". And that is precisely why I told myself to skip that particular movie. A couple of days ago I got into a movie spree due to the fact that I can't sleep. Hence, I watched every single movie that was on my sister's external drive. And when I ran out of movies, I had no choice but to watch "A walk to remember". Now, I know many of you would be wondering why not watch that movie since I am after all a huge fan of romance and everything to do with it. Well, that movie is very special to me because it is the movie that taught me what love is all about. And it is miraculous how I stumble upon that particular story of Jamie and Landon whenever I see my entire faith in love being shaken. It is indeed a miracle.
So, what is Love to me? Well, it is an answer I am yet to know. And I like it that way.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and it is not resentful.”
― A Walk to Remember

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Welcome to the family, Lady! :)

Good afternoon world! It is currently 2.47 p.m. I have my dear daughter Ruby sitting next to me looking at my laptop screen attentively. I guess she really likes seeing the stuffs people post on Facebook. Dino, my boy is fast asleep in the room. Well, what can I say? He loves to sleep! Anyway, I was bored and decided to tap a little...you know...keep my blog alive so that it doesn't get forgotten in the long run. So, voila! Here I am!
Today, let me rant about Lady! Oookay...I hear you. You have no idea who Lady is right? Well, a couple of days ago, I had a huge, huge crush on roses. I have no idea how on earth it happened and soon I had my head wrapped around the idea of owning a rose plant. Now, let me warn you. I never liked gardening before despite my mutual respect and love for the environment and everything green. Nevertheless, mum and dad loves looking after their plants, and when I said I wanted a rose plant, they were fine with it. And soon started my journey to find the perfect rose plant.
It wasn't easy. I made my dad and mum follow me into so many different shops before I settled on a rose plant. The reason was simple. I had to feel connected with the plant. I wanted to hear it speak to me. Oh yes, before you ask, my mum said that I was crazy and dad just laughed at the way I described how a plant should be like. Anyway, I soon found my perfect rose plant!
So, there you have it. She is Lady. I named her because...well, everything and everyone should have a name! Or so I believe. Oh ya, Lady was kind enough to bear me a flower the very next day. And guess what, it is orange! Yes, I have a rose plant that bears orange flowers! Yihaa! Can you hear that? I'm happy!

Welcome to the family, Lady! We all love you!

Monday, December 5, 2011

-Faith unanswered-

When you yell into the darkness and feel nothing but silence,
How do you tell yourself that it's ok to be not heard?
When you look into the mirror and see a fragile self,
How do you tell yourself that you are strong enough to ward it all off?
When you feel this unexplainable burden and a sinking heart,
How do you tell yourself to shrug it off and move on?
When you feel this chain on your sanity,
How do you sing to the daily tune of life?
When you collapse into a "alone" world where perfectness reigns,
How do you step back into reality?
When you feel so wrong to feel so right,
How do you put on a mask and cover your wounds?
When you feel your faith shaking and no where to turn,
Is it fair to not believe He is there?

~Raevarthy, 5th December 2011~

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Waking up to the me I love...:)

It is indeed a beautiful morning! There you go! I have said it! I know how much I have not been myself lately and yes, I know I have lost the whole "positive attitude", "bright outlook" I had on life. Well, you need to lose yourself in order to find yourself. Oookay...I shall not confuse you on a beautiful day. My point is, being who I am, let me say this after such a long time. I am happy! I am looking forward to spending the rest of the day with less anger, agitation, frown and more smile, laughter, love and care. I am happy this very second and that is all that matters. Life is too short to spend waking up with regrets and trust me I have had countless, sleepless nights doing just about that lately. So, today on this 4th of December, I am making a promise to myself to spend the rest of the day being the Raevarthy I like and love. You have a problem with that? Well, my friend, I was not put on this earth to please anyone. So, move along. Here's to the me I love!

Can a girl and a guy be "just best friends"? :)

I still remember my last post on gender inequality. It was not exactly gender inequality but something to do with it. I wrote on gentlemen and their ways. I received lots of comments on that particular post. Although most of my girl's were happy with that post, some men disagreed. And I did say that I'd write a sequel to it. But ya, as you know, life got on its way and yadaa yadaa yadaa...stuffs happened and I couldn't bring myself to write on that. In fact, I still can't. So, keeping that in mind for the distant future, let me talk to you today about another famous gender issue.
My mum and I were randomly talking when I asked her, "Mum, do you think a girl and a guy can be just close friends and not fall for one another?". At first she stared at me, then laughed and then said, "No. Somehow someone will have feelings for the other person". And it got me thinking. Why is it that a girl and a guy can never be "just best friends"? I mean, I have seen it happen in movies, novels and erm...ya, in real life too. They will be close friends, too close in fact...have that unbreakable bond and suddenly out of the blue one will fall for the other. So ya, I'm asking this today. Why is it that the male and female can never be just best friends?
Okay. If my assumption is right, half of you readers would probably be disagreeing right about now. But, let me tell you this. I have never..NEVER seen a guy and a girl be just best friends. And even if they are, the girl would treat the guy as her brother and he, in return would treat her as a sister. In fact, they will be quick to announce to the world that they are "brothers and sisters". Why do they do that? Seriously. Why? Why don't you just say..."You know what, we are best friends!" Now now now. I'm talking about real best friends here. The kinda best friend relationship in which one knows ALL and EVERYTHING about the other person. Is it possible to be just best friends and not fall for one another? Tell me!
If you asked me, I'd say yes. It is possible to be "just best friends". It is possible to be close to a guy and not fall for that person. And it is possible, even if both of you are single. Fine, I may have never had a "best friend" who happens to be a guy and hence, should shut up. But ya, I am a person who finds it difficult to open up to someone if I'm not close to them. And I'm not exactly the one who hangs out with guys, so I'm an exception. But ya. If I happen to get close to a guy, with no feelings attached...and somehow he ends up being my best friend, I'll show you people that a girl and a guy can be "just best friends"! It is possible people! A girl and a guy can be "just best friends"!

Ps: This is what happens when you watch too many romantic movies!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Happy 20th darl!

Have you ever looked at a friend and thought, "How did I end up having a friend like her?". I do it 99% of the time i'm in college. You know how people tell you college is scary and all? Well, it is. And sometimes, it is beyond scary. But then again, if you are lucky enough, someone would walk into your life and stay right beside you through all the scariness and through all the intricacies that follow the life of a college student. So, the million dollar question is, how do one find a friend as such? Well, you don't. There is only one such person on earth and well, she is taken! By me!
Here is a little teet-a-teet on her!
She is a person that wakes up in the morning with a very very blur face and always, trust me, always with a frown. She doesn't talk much, doesn't greet you and practically makes you feel like an intruder in the mornings! And then, in goes some breakfast and she starts yapping. Yapping and yapping non-stop for the whole day! But I like it!
Her most special trait would be the way she stands up to her rights and what she believes in. She never lets anyone take her for granted and that's an admirable quality for a girl.
She loves to act like a child. With the cute little faces and voices that she makes, it's impossible to say no to her.
So, why is she so special?
Well, she is extremely special to me because she has been the kinda friend you see in movies and read about in novels. The one that everyone needs. She has been there for me more than once and she knows me more than anyone else. I still do not know why she does the things she does for me. All I can say is that I'm so blessed to have her in my life.
So, my dear Bagyashree Superamani, Happy 20th birthday! I love you so much and I'm really sorry that I can't see you today. I know I was supposed to come and give you a big hug today. But ya, life sucks at times. Sorry?
Here's a big virtual hug and kiss from me to you!

These simple words are heartfelt
from the start right to the end
to show how much it truly means
to have you for a friend
if ever I need anything
you're someone I can call
kindness, warmth and honestly
it's true you have it all

You are a special friend
the kind that I will try to be
you're someone that I treasure
who means all the world to me

And may this happy birthday
be your very best by far
one that celebrates
how truly wonderful you are

Love you darl! Wish you loads of love for the upcoming years!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

*I will cry!*

You know what..Let me just rattle here today. Let me just type non-stop. Let me not to check my grammar or look for words. I just wanna type right from my heart. No topics. No statements and no view points. I just wanna talk.
So, ya, I'll tell you. I like people who are there for you when your tears drop. You know, there is this thing about people that I hate. I hate people who don't empathise on another person. You know I have written a very long post on empathy before and you know how much it irritates me to see that happen. The whole, "Oh, whatever..let her cry". I hate that.
So, i'll say this. I like people who shoulder my head when I sob. I like people who reach out and wipe my tears when I start to weep and I like people who just don't ask what's wrong or demand me to give an answer as to why I'm crying but just sit next to me and hold my hand when I cry. I like those people. Ya, I like those people. And yes, I am one of those people too.
So ya, call me a big cry baby, but a girl gotta weep at times. I have got to release it all out before building another bridge in my heart to hold the pain. So ya, I have to cry.
And so shall I when I want to.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

The echoes of my heart...

Can a broken heart heal? Is it fair for mended wings to spread and wish to conquer the skies? Walking through a deserted alley with my head hung low, and my soul beaten with frustration, filled with remorse and regret that I am not who I wanted to be. My silly notions of what life should be like has been mercilessly taken away from me. And to feel a tiny glow in my heart, a little flush in my cheeks and to know that those fluttering butterflies are finding its way back into my tummy makes me shun in embarrassment. I feel the locks of my heart tighten , reminding me of the hurt and pain that took months to heal. I know my guards are up and the windows of my heart is sealed. Can I ever find my way back? Will the secure walls I put up crumble as time does its duty? The scars that dig deep into my heart will always remind me of that life and love I once had. True, the tears are all gone and the memories are slowly fading away. But who I am now is far from who I ever was. Is it fair then for my heart to beat in hope, for my soul to flutter and for my eyes to dream? If only time is reversible...if only I can shut my eyes and wake up to the old me...if only things were different...will I be a happier me then?

Ps: Maybe I do regret taking that road...risking it all..and maybe I do regret falling in the very first place.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Can we really do nothing?

First of all, pardon me for my absence. I just was not in the mood to write. I know. I know. That is so not me right? But ya, it happens. The whole 'I-have-no-idea-wat-to-write-thingy' happened to me. Ironic isn't it? A few weeks back I told you I had so much to write about and can't seem to concentrate on anything else but write and now I feel so..how shall I put it...lost? And its also true that I do get "lost" often, if you understand what I mean.
Anyway, it is as such that boredom has struck me and I find myself doing silly things in the process. I have nothing to do and it is slowly eating me up. I listen to songs, sing along with the lyrics, then get fed-up and throw my earphones away. I walk around the house, cooing and playing with my two kids then they get bored with me and silently curl in a corner and sleep. I attempted cooking and even that bored me. I wanted to bake but the whole process of getting the oven out and thinking of the mess that I would have to clear up later on made it seem a little less interesting. And yes, before you ask, I would love to go out and have fun but ya, I'm running a little..(fine a lot!) low on cash. So, try as I might, this whole hols has me wishing that time would fly quick enough and I'd return back to college. Back to the working life of a student. You know, the whole dealing with demanding lecturers, annoying assignments and batch mates with diverse personalities. At least that made my days not seem to be such a drag.
So, yes, I'm bored. My whole sleep pattern is affected. I sleep at about 5 or 6 in the morning and wake up at around 11.30 to 12. And i have no idea how to change it. Since when did holidays start to get on my nerves? Haiz.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

When the heart grieves...:'(

How do you take a journey through grief? Do you take it knowing that there will eventually be a day in which you wake up and the whole world is a better place? Or do you just drag yourself a day at a time, waiting for you own judgement day? I wonder, how do you take a journey through this unbearable, unexplainable grief? Do you start questioning all that you ever believed in? And, do you lose faith in the process? It is extremely difficult to be in a position I never imagined I would be in. How do I explain all this? Words are insufficient. Maybe a day will come in which it will all make perfect sense. But, will I hold on till that day? I guess that's an answer I myself will never know.

Love Sorrow

Love sorrow. She is yours now, and you must
take care of what has been
given. Brush her hair, help her
into her little coat, hold her hand,
especially when crossing a street. For, think,

what if you should lose her? Then you would be
sorrow yourself; her drawn face, her sleeplessness
would be yours. Take care, touch
her forehead that she feel herself not so

utterly alone. And smile, that she does not
altogether forget the world before the lesson.
Have patience in abundance. And do not
ever lie or ever leave her even for a moment

by herself, which is to say, possibly, again,
abandoned. She is strange, mute, difficult,
sometimes unmanageable but, remember, she is a child.
And amazing things can happen. And you may see,

as the two of you go
walking together in the morning light, how
little by little she relaxes; she looks about her;
she begins to grow.

Mary Oliver

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Oh Beautiful Love...:)

What's it with life?

Lesson of the day : Life changes in a split second and the after effects can either hurt like hell or comfort the way heaven is supposed to.
What's with life huh? The different phases that we go through, the varying characters that we meet, the diverse personalities that we bump into. What's it with life huh? I know it's a silly question to ask. But, I can't help it. I wanna walk up to heaven and reach GOD's throne and ask him why he created life the way it is. Why he created feelings in the very first place? The attachment/bond with another living soul is what I don't understand. Why bond people and then remove them from the face of earth? Why give life and then take it? Why?
You know I am the kinda person that appreciates life for what it is. I'm not the kinda person who complains and frets. So, if I am asking this today, you should know that I have a very good reason to. Honestly, I need to know. What's it with life huh?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Sleep, where are you?

Great! Just great! Now, I can't go to sleep! Even my sleep is messed up now! I just need this don't I? I shut my laptop before the clock struck one and with full excitement closed my eyes awaiting a better tomorrow. And then I started with the turning and twisting around. I forced myself to go to sleep and I just couldn't. Even with my earphones plugged in!
I just can't go to sleep! I am seriously hating this stupid routine. I sleep so late and wake up so late. This is so not me. I need my mornings back and for that to happen, I need my sleep back. Oh, mighty beautiful fairies, where are you? Sprinkle some sleep dust on me please. I need to sleep.

Monday, November 21, 2011

RF 6

RF 6

A detour into the lane of childhood!

It's really funny how things seem to be hitting me all of a sudden nowadays.It's like I have all this different sides of me that is brought out with different events. So, what happened today? Well, dad was extra helpful around the house and he started cleaning this little compartment that is somewhat a store place for old junks. And I, being a firm believer that you should not do silly things, which to me was silly that he wanted to clean up a store room. I mean, the whole idea of a store room is that it should be messy. So, I did not help him. Fine, I was not a docile, good daughter today! I know!
Anyway, half way through fb-ing, I heard mum screaming that I should come see what dad found. So, I went. And voila, it was my entire childhood! He found my entire childhood! How is that possible, you ask? Well, he found a bag full of teddy bears! The teddy bears that hold so much secrets of mine. They have watched me cry, watched me smile, and have been there for me throughout my childhood. Growing up, they were family to me. And meeting them back when I am 20 is more than a joy to me. I sat on the floor, hugged them tight and started talking to them. I remember them all. Each and every memory I had with them came flooding back. There were times in which I refused to go out with my parents if Kitty bear or Browny bear or Betty bear was forbidden to follow. They were a huge part of my childhood. And yes, I grew up, and eventually they were all put away. But, I still can't explain this whole crush I have on teddy bears. I love teddy bears so much! Every time my sister returns from Indonesia, she buys me a huge teddy bear. And I love her so much for that.
It's true isn't it? A girl always leans on something or someone. Growing up, it was my teddy bears and now it is Ruby and Dino. I don't know what it would be in the future. But ya, like I said life is short. So, make it sweet. Be a child when you feel like being one. I was a child today and I am so happy for that.

My most recent photograph with Mr Binkle and Mr Pinky. Both are gifts from my sister. By the way, they are both boys k! :)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Guys, clear my doubt please...:)

I was innocently stalking people on fb when i came across this one. I guess this is written by a guy. I guess what I really wanna know is, if all this is true. Any guys out there free to clarify my doubts?


1. Guys hate sluts.

2. "Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

3. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

4. Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

5. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

6. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

7. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-
how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method.

8. A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

9. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

10. Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

11. Guys get jealous easily.

12. Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

13. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

14. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

15. Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

16. Girls are guys' weaknesses.

17. Guys are very open about themselves.

18. It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.

19. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

20. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

21. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

22. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

23. Guys will brag about anything.

24. Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you.

25. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

26. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

27. Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

28. Try to be as straightforward as possible.

29. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.

30. If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

31. No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

32. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

33. Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

34. If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

35. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

36. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

37. Guys don't really have final decisions.

38. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

39. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

40. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

41. Guys like femininity not feebleness.

42. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

43. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

44. Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

45. Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

46. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

47. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

48. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

49. A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

50. No guy can handle all his problems by his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it

51. Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

RF 5:
I love novels and I always walk around the shelves of books in the library waiting for a cue, waiting for the book to speak to me! I always choose novels after having this little intuition that it is the one I should read. And 99% of times, it is always something to do with love and romance! :)

Do I look old?

It is 20.11.2011. Cute date nah? I don't understand the fuss that some people make out of dates. I mean, next year would be 20.12.2012. Its still the same right? Haiz. Call me scientific in that matter but I don't really get the whole "its a special day" thingy. For me, days are special if you make it so. You don't need one freaking day to be called special. Except birthdays that is. You know how special birthdays are to me. :) Anyway, it is a cute date!
So, how did my 20112011 start? Well, I woke up at about 11.20 am and had nothing much to do. I mean, I do have "things" to do, but in the "do i like to do it" part, ya, nothing much to do. And then comes the big question. Do I miss college? I'd be lieing if I said I did not. I know. I know. It has only been 2 days since I'm back. But ya, I do miss college. I guess it's a different life there and here and a different me. But, its still life. And ya, life sucks but who cares? :)
And yes, the whole reason of me being here is that, I have a question to ask. Do I really look old? I mean, I know I am old. 20 and all. But do I look really old? People keep asking me how old I am and give me the whole "I can't believe you are only 20 face!" Someone told me today that I look 23. Well, i know its only a 3 year gap to my actual age but ya, its still 3 years! So, tell me. Do I look old? I remember asking my friends and they said its due to the way I act all matured and the way I mother people. But, if you have been an avid reader of this blog, you would know how childish I can get. So, ya, I don't consider myself as being matured. Hence, my big question to you darling readers, Do I look old? Give me an honest answer please! :)

Random Fact 4:
I turn into a child when I am around children. By the way, you can see the childish part of me when I'm in the fun fair or the "pasar malam". I will be worse than a child! Jumping around excitedly, not bothering about what the world thinks. I love fun fairs and "pasar malam"s! Who doesn't?

Saturday, November 19, 2011


Random Fact 3:
I'm super possessive. And it especially holds true to people. I'm possessive towards those I love. I know I know. No one belongs to anyone. But, ya, it is something I can't seem to change about myself.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Empathy and Fakeness.

It is officially day 1 of my semester break. I had a really good sleep after a long while. You wouldn't believe me if I said I went for exams without any sleep. This happened 2 days on a row. I tried forcing myself to sleep, and I failed. At the end of the day, I had no choice but to stay up all night reading my notes. I was so wide awake that even in the morning, when everyone complained of how sleepy they were, I was joking around. But, i know i needed that long sleep I had last night. It refreshed me in a way I can't explain.
Anyway, the whole point I am here is because I have to speak to you on an issue that has been bugging me for a few days now. People. Alright before I go any further, let me make it clear that I know I am not perfect and I should not judge another person. However, sometimes certain people make me question all that I believe in. I don't understand how some people do not know the word "empathy". And even if they do, they don't live it. Is empathy something that we teachers should instill as a value in children during formal hours in class? I mean, is that why some adults don't empathise? Because they do not know how to?
Empathy basically means putting yourself in another person's shoes. Looking at life from the view of another person. This especially holds true during tough times. All of us go through tough issues at one point or another in our life. And, you know the saying that you only know who your true friends are when you are going through a dark period? I need to salute whoever who came up with that saying. Because it is true!
Many of you know what I went through and still am going through recently. It is a thing I don't want to talk about because it hurts to speak of it. But, the thing i wish to highlight here is how many people are using the issue to gain popularity. Fine. I get the whole point of telling the world how you feel and all. But, it irks me that people can walk around using that one issue as a means of gaining entry into another. I know I am confusing you here. But, I don't wish to go any further.
All I am saying is that, if you care. You do. There is no need for fake tears to clear your name. And there is no need for fake extend of sympathy if you do not feel so. Life is like a roller coaster. You would be on top at one point of life and then you would find yourself at the bottom. So, don't bother trying to be someone you are not.
And with that, I would also like to say this. Empathy is a big word. To those that understand and live in it, kudos! To those that can't connect to another human, emotionally, no matter how much you try, kudos too! Because that means you are not fake. It is better to be yourself than try to be someone you are not.

Random fact 2:
I hate people who are fake. And the best part of all, I'm pretty good at detecting the level of fake-ness a person has the moment I meet them.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Stepping into the sanctuary of love!

Im at home! Lying down comfortably on my bed with Dino beside me. I hear and smell good food and can't wait to dig in with my family. I love the fact that we all have lunch and dinner together! Anyway, I promised myself that I would write more, laugh more, do more random things and just have more fun for this 2 months. I know my life on earth is very much limited. So, I'm going to make a difference where I can. I'm going to be all that I ever wanted to be. When GOD send his angels to collect my soul, I want to be able to leave happily with no regrets.
I made a little vow to myself that at the end of every blog post, I'd write some random fact about myself. Something about me that I like, or hate. I hope I keep up with my words! Wish me luck ya! :)

Random fact 1:
I have to listen to songs to sleep. If I don't, I just can't sleep. It goes to the extent that I can stay awake the whole night if I don't have my earphones with me. I sleep with earphones in my ears, listening to slow, romantic songs! :)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

LOVE answered!

I found this posted in Fb when I should not be in FB. Ya..the last paper and all. But hey, i need my entertainment too! So ya. And it is too cute to not be posted in my blog. Check it out! The 5 facts bout love!

1) If it is because of her eyes, or her lips or her great body, then its NOT love.

2) If it's about her intelligence or her insight about life, then it's NOT love.

3) If it's because she cries every time you try to leave, then its NOT love.

4) If it's because she makes you forget to study and sleep, then its NOT love.

5) LOVE is when you don't know why you seem to be attracted to that person.

And I say, LOVE has it's reason. And that reason is UNKNOWN!

Cute right? Really makes sense! Well, to all single, rocking ladies like me, why complicate yourself in the intricacies that surround LOVE? When it happens it happens.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Goodbye IPBA!

It's my final paper tomorrow. That marks the final day in IPBA. Uni life for year 2011 is officially ending tomorrow. How do I feel? So so. I mean, I went through a lot this year in terms of my university life and those are memories that I would treasure. When I return for year 2, I would be the new me. Well, things would have changed and as I always say, you need to let go of the past to live in the future. So, what that has happened, has happened. Assignments, tests, friends, outings, laughters, tears and all. I mean, I can sit here writing on all those memories but what is the point of dwelling in the past? I shall take the good with me and bury the bad behind. So, ya, thank you for the memories of year 1 IPBA! Will cherish them forever. :)

Monday, November 14, 2011


Its 10.34 a.m. I just got back to IPBA after a long drive in the rain from Klang. It's as though the skies are crying. And true enough, I am the one who says nothing can be more beautiful than when the skies cry. But, I prayed with all strength in me that nothing would happen. Dad has a tendency to speed. And I have the tendency to panic. With all the recent happenings, I feel as though my time on earth is limited. I find myself hugging people more, telling them how much they mean to me and I find myself doing things in a rush. But, I guess it is for the good right? I don't want to go without telling people how much they mean to me. So, ya, I'm on the mission to do that. Things are getting tougher each day. I deal with issues that probably not many 20 year olds deal with. Not that I'm complaining or anything, I mean GOD tests those that He loves right? He doesn't test those that are weak. I will survive. Believing is half step closer to achieving. We will all survive. Anyway, I don't know why, but in this cold, quiet night, I feel so lonely. I feel I left my entire life back in Klang. It feels like I have no one here. I just feel...I don't know..out of place? But, I know its in my head. I am just having some problems getting things out of my system. I feel like a totally new person. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's just me. I just don't know.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

It's hard. Really hard.

Never once had I ever thought all that happened would happen. It's hard to go on, laugh and pretend like nothing happened. Life has changed dramatically. And it changed in a split second. It's hard. Really hard. These days that slowly crawl by are days i never ever thought I would live in. As tears are slowly replaced by smiling memories, I realise life is too short. Life is not knowing what would happen next. Life is all about sitting, chatting away happily then knowing you will never see that person ever again. It's hard. This hole, this emptiness in my heart, a place you resided in, will never close. You will never be replaced and I'd like it to be that way. I might meet millions of people in life but I'll never meet a person like you. And knowing that I never told you how much I love you, hurts. It stabs. True enough, you never know what you had, till it's taken away from you. I never knew how much you mean to me, till I lost you. And I lost you forever. But I promise you. I won't forget the very last advice you gave me. The one advice that I went against. I'm sorry for that. I'm really sorry. But, now, you are my guardian angel. And I know you are guarding me. Along with the rest, that loved you and whom you loved. Under your wings, I'll survive. I'll keep you forever in my heart.

Friday, November 11, 2011

I love you.

I feel your presence everywhere I turn. My last memory of you, parking your car in front of my house with that long face and leaning on your car while I gave you your gift and told you no one can beat me in being the first to wish you. I wished you months in advance. You asked me, "Is this why you wanted me to come?". And I nodded my head like a child. As you unwrapped your gift and the letter fell out, I told you to go read it at home and I saw your face light up with the gift. You flipped it around and you told me it looked so nice. I asked you if it would fit and you told me "can". And I said if it hangs on you, that means you need to put on some weight. You gave me that smirk you always give when someone brigs up your sensitive issue, "your weight". I laughed and I knew something was bothering you but I didn't ask. You told me you were tired. But still, you gave me a hug. I hugged you back, tilting my toes like I always do. You were always so tall right? And then I watched you drive away. I play that day millions of times in my head and i regret not telling you how much I love you. I never called you anne. You were just Adrian. If I can have that day once again, I'll hug you as tight as I can, kiss your forehead and tell you I love you. Today, I only managed to place a kiss on the sand, on the glass. You received it though, didn't you? I know you are watching me and scolding me for crying. But, I can't help it Adrian. You were the only brother I ever had and will ever have. I read all your messages, your wall posts, your comments, and I feel this whole in my heart. Your voice is ringing in my head and all your memories linger around me. I hate it that I have to go on with life without you by my side. I love you so much Adrian. Life might go on but it won't be the same without you. I told you I have never been to the church and you promised me you'll take me and go. Today I went with you. But not in the way you promised me we would. I just love you so much. You know that right? I love you.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Day 1 without you and I can't breathe. I can't say anything. I just want a hug.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I love you. Come back.

I love you. You are not supposed to die. You are supposed to walk me down the aisle. I just love you so much. Who am I going to poke in Facebook after this? Why did you let me win the poke war we had? You owe me a huge teddy bear. You owe me a trip to the funfair. I love you. Why did you do this to me? You are supposed to be the godfather for all my kids. You are supposed to be the one that broke the nose of whoever that broke my heart. You are supposed to be there for me forever. If I go bang my car after this, who am I supposed to call? I just love you so much. I keep on hoping that this is a dream and someone will wake me up. I sat all night looking at your photo and I know you are there. I can feel you around. Your voice is still ringing in my head. I freaking love you! How could you leave me like this and go? Come back please? I have no shoulder to lean on. Who is going to call me "girl" after this? Who is going to be my midnight call? Who am I suppose to fight with after this? You are everywhere I turn Adrian. Don't leave me. I can't go on. I just can't. I remember your hugs and no one has treated me the way you have. You are my brother. You are the world's nicest guy. How could this happen to you? You are all that I wish for right now. I wan't you back. I can't go on. Adrian, I love you. I know I fight with you and bug your life and irritate you with my childish ways. I know so many people miss you and you were a good friend to all of them. But, I can't say rest in peace because I can't see the world without you. You taught me how to use the stupid GPRS. I want to sit next to you in the car again. I want to fight with you to switch on the radio. Why Adrian? Why you? I love you. I keep replaying all the times we spent together and it's not enough. You were supposed to watch me graduate, watch me get married, watch me have kids and I was supposed to do the same. Why did you go so soon? What am I suppose to do now? I love you. Wake up and come back. Adrian, I need you back. I need my brother back. I can't go on. I can't stop crying. I just love you so much!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Boys, this one is for you!!! :)

It is about 11 on a Monday and we all need some good cheering up on Mondays don't we? I was reading random articles online when I stumbled upon this one. It made me smile, and I hope it does to you too. By the way, guys, you might wanna get a paper and a pen! You would need it, trust me!

How to be a gentleman
Women want that knight in shining armor to do those things for her and unfortunately the gentleman in this world are slowly dying. Being a gentleman makes a woman feel special and lets her know that you "get it" as well as letting her embrace her femineity and yes you can overdo being a gentleman.

Some gentleman like things include:
Opening the door for women
Putting on her coat when you are leaving
Taking off her coat when you are arriving
Help with her seat
Opening the car door
Giving her your seat when there are no
Give her your arm
Fulfilling her needs
Holding her hair back when she is being sick
Covering her ears when someone is being sick
Don't wear your hat inside

I do not know any woman who does not want to feel special and does not want to be first priority in a man's life. Men confuse this with women thinking they are going to be a wuss and this is not the case at all. As a man you need your masculinity and to play that role though you also need to be in touch with your femineity side.

A lot of the gentleman like "things" I wrote are common sense and also you have been taught most of your life. Women will often stop at doors and wait for you to open them or walk to the door of a restraint and stop and look at you and if you pause and show a sign of not knowing what to do then you fail the "test."

A lot of women read romance novels and desire and want a man like in that novel so badly that they often think that they don't exist. But when you are a gentleman it reminds her who she is dealing with and the real man you are.

Each woman is unique and has different values, some women like touch, some like words and some like gifts. When you find out what a woman values in her life you can find out the reason why she does the things she does. This would be quite handy wouldn't it men?

So how do you find out what a woman values, it's simple you ask the question of what is the most important thing to you in relationships or what is the more important thing to you in health. You will find what she values in a relationship and what she values in health and you can meet her needs and open up a new world to her without even asking what she wants.

So be a gentleman to a woman and do it even if the woman is your friend. You are a man not a boy my friend.

Escaping reality.

As I sit here surrounded with heaps of papers, I find myself drifting to another world. A world of promise and a world of comfort. A world in which life means happiness, love means happiness, friendship means happiness and a world that only I know exist. A world within consciousness. A world that starts the moment my eyes shut. A world that I escape to when I get tired of all the made-up laughs, hidden tears, bruised wounds and scars that never seem to heal. I read something today that I probably should not have read. And hence, my drive to write in this confused state.
I know I'd probably shut my laptop, bury my head in my pillow and cry the moment I am done with this post. But, what is the use of crying? It never solves anything! If only it did, I would probably be the one with no problems on earth. And nothing to think about. Would life be happier then? Would I be the same person I am today?
You know the times when you suddenly feel like bursting after holding it all in for so long? Have you ever been in that state? I never once questioned GOD to why he put us in this position. I always believed that everything happens for a reason and I always told myself there is always light at the end of the tunnel. But, today I am asking, what happens if we reach the end of the tunnel, and there is no light? What happens then?
I wish, I pray and I hope. I wish, pray and hope with all my heart for a miracle. For GOD to open his eyes and see how much this family needs him now. Will he or will he not?

PS: Is there a way to escape reality?

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Birthdays and all that...:)

Happy Sunday everyone! It's a beautiful day indeed and before you ask, yes I'm supposed to be studying yet I am here writing. I told myself I'd get things done before I go to bed tonight or else I'll have a dozen shots of coffee and continue till it's settled. But then again, can we ever be done with studying? There will always be something, some notes, some books, to still read kan? So ya.
Yesterday was an awesome day for me. I skyped with my darling, nonsense, yet I still love sister for 4 hours. What did we talk about? Well...everything! It was so much fun! I do miss her so much. I miss all the fights and all the random things we did together. Anyway, she told me that she will be returning to Malaysia some where along mid January and would fly back to Indonesia on the 18th of February! Excuse me! We are talking about 18th February 2012 here! That's my 21st birthday! I literally cried. Yes i did. I am swearing to you that if she makes me stand in the airport, with tears, hugging and kissing goodbye on my 21st birthday, I'll chop off all her belongings here at home!
I need my birthday! You know how special birthdays are to me! And its my 21st. That means I'm legal! Wokay, not that I'm ever gonna consume alcohol or run away or anything. But the point is, its my birthday! I love celebrating the birthday's of other people and obviously I go crazy when it's my very own birthday! So, yes, I went out at 3 a.m last night and wished upon the skies that she doesn't do that to me. (And we all know that when we wish upon the skies it does come true). So ya.
Anyway, turning 21 should be fun right? Can't believe I'm that old already! But, I feel young! :) Can't wait for my birthday to roll in! And i'd so make sure that this time when I blow the candles, I wish for a wish that would come true. I still remember what I wished for this year. And well...it did come true. But it twisted itself.
So people, remember k. This girl here turns 21 on the 18th of February 2012! :)

Friday, November 4, 2011

When I can't stop writing!

I should not be here. I should be having my head buried in the pages of my L&L book. But, I can't help it! All I wanna do is blog! Ironic isn't it? I woke up in the morning, crossed my legs and sat on my bed and started writing in my head. It's really funny. Every single thing I do, I am imagining that I'm writing it down. Like I'm being struck with a lightning of words. I feel I have to write everything down! It's amazing to feel this way, really. To feel like I'd never run out of words. Reminds me of what Ashwini, my roommate told me a few days back. I saw her editing some pictures and she was doing a real good job with it. I was awe-struck! I mean, it looked so complicated! All the different settings, colour tones, brightness and bla bla. I asked her how on earth she is so patient and good with it. She said that she loved doing it. She told me, editing pictures is to her what writing is to me. A passion. And, it's true. I mean, I love to write. From blogs, to diaries, to letters, to e-mails...I just love to write! I mean, to me, I feel that you can always judge a person by his or her writings. By the way they convey emotions through their writings. But then again, I also know that sometimes people lie through what they write. Simply due to the fact that it is erasable.
So, ya, maybe the person you see right there, in front of you, is the character you should trust and hold to be true. Maybe the one that no one else sees, the one that only you know exist, the one in Facebook is the character you should let go. Maybe a person cannot be divided into 2 personalities after all. And maybe I was wrong to think it can be.
Wokay. I can see that I have drifted off some where else. Sorry for that. Anyway, I have to go now. To go bury myself back in theories and facts that I'd probably forget the moment I hand in my exam sheet anyway. So ya, if you do see me online in Facebook, please chase me away. I need to get rid of my temptation to stay in this stupid virtual world. Take care people. Love you'll to bits!

Revathi..part 1!

I was randomly reading articles online when I stumbled upon an entry in this famous Indian God and Goddess website I often go to. It was on Revathi, the daughter of King Raivata and the wife of Balrama. I was happy. I mean, my name is Raevarthy after all. So, I read and read. I even googled and found even more information about her. It was fun. Then I went on a hunt to find out how my name came about. I know I was born under the Indian astrological sign Revati. So, I tried googling and got to know some characteristics of people born under this sign. How far does it compare to mine? Well, you have to tell me that!

1) Persons born under the Revati sign are believed to be the most religious and God fearing people among all the other nakshatras.
2) They are blessed with an athletic, well-proportioned physique and are large in stature.
3) Independent and often fiercely ambitious.
4) Sexy and brave
5) These people have complete control over their senses and are socially amicable, qualities that make them popular, since they are extremely easy to get along with.
6) Both ancient cultures and modern scientific research interest them a lot.
7) Short tempered and stubborn
8) They tend to overburden themselves with other people's problems
9) Revati born persons also suffer from stress, and their own fixed way of looking at a crisis certainly does not help them in this aspect.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Appreciate more and judge less.

As I write this, I am cursing the fact that my room blacked out once again causing me to sleep in the not so comfy hall last night and now the entire water supply to block 8 has been terminated. I have an event to attend in less than 5 hours and I need the water! I found out yesterday that I have my examination briefing at 3 pm tomorrow which automatically cancelled my plan of going back home tomorrow morning. So, ya basically my life sucks right now. I know I said I had a good feeling of November but oh boy, how wrong I was. Well, problems arise so that you become tougher right? Erm..I'll apply that to this situation as well.
Anyway, I just read about Kim Kardashian's failed marriage and I couldn't help but go..."Saw that coming! ". I mean, where are the values of marriage nowadays? It seems to me that people get married for the fun of it and get divorced when they get tired of one another. Now, thats dating! That's why people date and couple up and all. Marriages are too sacred! Why is it that people fail to notice that?
I guess thats the old-fashioned me talking. Anyway, I would also say this. There always comes a time in our lives in which we eventually get tired of all the fights and tears and tough times. You know, like a ball and a wall. You bounce the ball and it comes back to you. You bounce harder and it comes back even faster. I don't know what the theory is called as in physics. But, ya you get the idea. But however much you throw the ball, there will be a day in which the ball tears or wears out. And then it just doesn't bounce back again. You see?
That's how human relationships are like. Be it friendship, the relationship between a mother and a daughter, or a father and a son, or just a parent and a child, or a boyfriend and a girlfriend, or among siblings, etc etc. Thats exactly the principle that applies. We fail to appreciate the presence of those close to us just merely because we tend to chase after what that is not ours. Get me? It's like this. You know the quotation? "Appreciate everyone around you because one day you may turn back and realise that you lost a diamond while busy collecting stones". Makes sense?
I guess being in the position that I am in now, I have rights to say this. There always comes a time that we eventually give up. In the ball and the wall theory, the ball just don't bounce back again. We as humans can take the hurt inflicted upon us by the one that we care about simply because we love and care for them. They hurt and hurt and you take and take. However, there will be one day when you suddenly wake up and realise that it's just not worth it anymore. Like the ball, we tear and we know deep down that we can never bounce back again.
And form the other end's perspective, I'd say this. Don't ever make the mistake of losing a diamond while collecting stones. You may have the most wonderful, beautiful people around you and you have to start appreciating them for simply being who they are. Don't throw them around like the ball. One day, they just won't bounce back and you would realise that you lost a diamond. Regrets never make things better. In fact, it worsens it.
So, I guess what I'm saying here is appreciate more and judge less. Be the kinda person you want to be around with. Give what you would expect to receive.
Anyway, I did not realise that I've made this an extremely long post! After a very long post, I'm off to go check whether the water is back. So ya, people, take care k. See you guys later!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

November....Should it end?

It has taken me ages to load this page so I'm gonna make it a quick one. I know I have another post to write, one that I scribbled in my note pad during a tutorial class. I need to type it out here and get that done with. But, first, let me tell you how November has treated me so far. Okay. Now, do not give me that look. I know its only the 2nd and I have a long way to go. But hey, its worth sharing!
Anyway, as always I came up with this mission/resolution for November, which I'm sure you have read from my previous post. As far as achieving that goal goes..erm..I shall tell you when the month ends k? Lets hope I do successfully and happily write at the end of the month that is.
November equals to the end of a lot of relationships, bonds, happy times, not-so good times, etc, etc. I'm looking forward to a few things and seriously not wanting the weeks to pass by due to other reasons.
What I'm looking forward to:
a) The Deepavali potluck that is to be held tomorrow, the 3rd. What shall I wear by the way? Really traditional? Semi-traditional? Modern? Casual? Simple? Haiz. In a serious dilemna. But, I'm sure I'll find something. I mean I have clothes for each type. It's just the deciding part!

b) Packing all my stuffs and leaving IPBA for good for 2 months!

c) Handing in the last exam paper and feeling so relieved!

What I'm not looking forward to:
a) Bidding goodbye to this bunch of crazy people that I lived with for this sem. Goodbyes are always hard aren't they? Well, I made bonds with people I barely knew. And memories that would last for a life time. I hope I don't cry! But, you know me.

b) Each passing day reminds me of how much the exams are around the corner. Erm, I hate exams! They make me nervous.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Crossing to November with a toast to being all that I was in October.

With the new month nearing, I have decided to revamp my policy. I remember how sure I was with my policy a month back. With the end of September and the beginning of October, I told myself that I would live with no regrets and I honestly did that. I told myself that I should stop letting things affect me and I had to go with my heart. Looking back, I know I did that. I listened to my heart every single day, every hour, minute and second. I did not stop to think and I was happy. Honestly, I do not regret all that happened within this one month. So, in a sense, I successfully followed through with my October resolution. From October 1st to October 30th. It was beautiful every single day. I was happy. Happy through my laughters and through my tears. But as the month ends, I do realise how much I have lost too. I mean, I lost my pride. And that's something a girl should never lose. No matter what happens.

So, sitting here today I'm revamping my policy. As I welcome November in, I'm making sure I put myself before anyone else. In whatever I do, I want to stop for a moment and make sure what I do won't hurt me. I mean I have had enough of being hurt and enough of tears. I have had enough of caring when the other party obviously think I'm annoying. I know how much I tend to not let go of things I truly believe in. But then as the new month kicks in, I'm silencing myself. Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be. You need to just be yourself and stop trying to live for someone else. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is the most hardest. And sometimes thats the best thing to do. As a person who follows her heart, this is what my heart says I should do.

IPBA, hello again.

I am about to return to IPBA in a few hours and I'm currently packing my bags. I have the little Ruby and Dino sitting outside my room refusing to come in, with a sad face. Every ten seconds I turn to look at them and I curse the fact that I can't study from home. Yet, I do silently thank God for giving me a college that is merely 30 minutes away from home and one that I can return back to during weekends. If you asked me, I'm ready to return back to IPBA. This year has been a good year for me in IPBA. *touchwood* Too many memories. Well, memories are good right? *sigh*
Anyway, there is less than 3 weeks to go. Less than 20 days for the semester to end. How do I feel? I will never be able to truly pen down how I feel. So, lets leave it at that k. Anyway, to all PISMP TESL Jan 2011 intake, good luck. Countless books to revise and equally countless files to open. 4 papers. We can do it!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Arranged marriages versus love marriages? Now, that's not a tough choice!

I was having my morning shower when this idea struck me. To write on relationships. I mean I sat all night debating with my mum on how stupid some girls were to have arranged marriages. If you are an Indian girl, you would understand what I'm saying- Well I do hope that you are civilised enough to understand at that.
Anyway, what really prompted me to write on this issue is the fact that recently I have heard of more than one abusive, failed marriages happening within close friends and relatives at that. And they all had an arranged marriage. Okay. Before you start pointing fingers and accusing me of taking sides, let me make this clear. Yes. I do know of people who were madly in love, got married and eventually divorced too. I mean, we even see it happening to our favourite actors. So, what is it about failed arranged marriages that get to me? I'll tell you.
The way I view marriage is like this Ethopia. Like heaven. Everyone says its beautiful and perfect but no living soul can prove all that they know of heaven. That's how marriage is. It's supposed to be perfect but you will never know till you are in it. To me, it is that unknown-ness thats so indescribably beautiful. I mean, a simple question, why do we want to wake up early, iron some other man's shirt or cook for him or clean up after him? Give me one valid reason for us females to do so? And as for the males, why do you need to go earn money, save up for the future when you can live for yourself? Why do we want to live for another person? Is there a real answer to it? No! But then again, we do all that! And why? Because the other person mean more than anything in this world. Because you love that person. That's how marriage should be like. Confusing? Let me lay it out in simple terms.
Ask your mum or your dad. Why do you insist on cooking dad's favourite dish when he scolds you? Or why do you give mum money even when all she does is nag? And, tell me what they say. In the future, when my child asks me that, I would like to answer because I love him. Not, "because I have to". There is a big difference there.
When you love someone, you do things because you WANT to not because you HAVE to. Or because that's what is expected of you as a wife or a husband. It's beyond role play.
And of course, there are always people who say that you can always find time to fall in love with your respective husband or wife after the marriage ceremony. When you start living together. Now, now, now. Isn't that tolerance than? Isn't that I HAVE to love you instead of I WANT to love you?
I won't say that I'm against arranged marriages due to the fact that a girl is treated like a cow on sale. (Reminds us of Mango Season by Anita Desai right?) Well, she has to get dressed up, bow before a man who chooses to have the first say on whether he likes her. Well, that's culture and tradition. I won't say it's wrong but I won't say it's right either. Well, I would choose not to go undergo that ceremony later on in life for the simple reason that I promised myself that I won't ever have an arranged marriage.
I recently told my mum that and she was so supportive of me that I had to look up the skies and thank God! :) We were washing the dishes when I casually brought up the topic. I told her that when I find someone special she would be the first person to know. And as long as I haven't said anything, it means I am not in a relationship and she is not permitted to ask me anything further. She told me I am only 20 and there is still a long way to go. Well, who knows when someone can steal your heart right?

To me, marriages are too sacred to play with. When I walk down the aisle one day, I want to be able to look up and see the guy waiting up there with nothing but love. I want to feel my heart skip a beat and tell me that I have found my prince charming. I don't want even for a brief second to have any hesitations or second-mindedness. When the holy thread is tied, when the priest chants and as the crowd bless us, I want to be able to smile and cross over from a girl to a wife happily. I want to be able to turn to him and hear my heart whisper that he is "the one" for me. And I believe whole-heartedly that I would have all that with love.
Sure enough, the romance would soon die down and life would set in. He'd probably get on my nerves at times and I'd probably get on his too. But, no matter how tough life got, I won't ever walk away from him. So, trust me to find someone like that! :)

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to tell you guys and girls out there that marriages should be build on love. Nothing but love. Because where there is love, there is everything else. So, believe in the power of love. Go in the direction your heart sets you to and feel the magic of being loved and love in return. Love unconditionally! :)

Roadtrip= Awesome!

Omygoodness. Omygoodness. Wokay. That's me jumping around happily. I'm in a very excited mood. You see, I just came back from an all around unplanned/random/last minute road trip to the countryside! How can I not be excited right? Well, you know me.
So, my morning started off in a very tensed way. I had to run around from one building to another submitting forms and you know how public services can be. I ended up cursing the public healthcare of our country due to the fact that they make the public suffer! (I'll write on that one day, I promise). Anyway, by 12 pm I was exhausted, perspiring from head to toe and all I wanted to do was get some rest. Well, its hard when you slept at 3 and woke up at 7.30 in the morning. My body just shut on me. And that's when the phone call came. Dad's friend called and said that they were planning to go to Sepang. Reason? Just to visit some relatives and just to relax. They invited us along. I took a look at dad and told him I just can't. I can't take another step. I'd probably faint. So, the decision was made that I'd stay home with Ruby and Dino and both mum and dad were to go with them.
Nevertheless, all changed when my cousin sis( well, when a family friend treats u better than a relative ever can, they are blood to me) arrived. She told me that she was driving and that it would be fun to have the day off. You know. A change of scenario. I thought, "Hell, Why not?", grabbed my camera and off I went. How beautifully perfect the day turned out to be!
Highlights of the road trip:
-Separating the youngsters from the erm..not so young ones...:)
-Missing the very first turning to Banting resulting in both dad's panicking over us
-Stopping in every petrol station to hunt for a washroom
-Discovering that there are petrol stations that are too outdated! They don't even sell chocolates and chewing gums!
-Cursing the fact that the road was too bumpy for a brand new car
-Mooing whenever we saw a cow
-Too loud music and heck no one to complain
-Choki-choki destress time
-Discussion on what makes the tamil cinema click
-Hunting for an extremely old friend's house
-A shop with all pink mugs! Oh yes. I loved it!
-Debating on arranged marriages versus love marriages
-Walking all by myself in an abandoned road, snapping pictures and finding an extremely adorable dog there
-Rushing to the beach only to have it rain
-Snapping silly pictures by the beach side
-Sleeping with my contact lens still intact and then waking up and freaking out
-Finally being able to satisfy my crave for a bar of cadbury chocolate
and much more memories. Thank you GOD for letting me have the joy of being a child in a new environment.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

With love from Malaysia to Indonesia...:)

This post is written with love for my darling, beautiful, always-getting-on-my-nerves-yet-i-can't-help-but-love sister. From Malaysia to Indonesia. But, first let me tell you a little about her. If I am Miss Romance, then she is Miss Serious. If i'm Miss Random, then she is Miss Go-By-The-Book, If i'm Miss Panic, then she is Miss Cool. So, you get the idea. We are like day and night. The differences are just too obvious. She is just a year older but she never lets me forget that!.
Anyway, the reason why this post is for her is due to the fact that I cooked a full blown lunch meal and as I watched dad and mum eat I felt a tiny nudge in my heart that she is not here to enjoy it with them. Probably she'd criticise my ability in the kitchen, but I dO miss that criticism. So, anyway, Miss Losine, I cooked today and it turned out to be super awesome. I'll let you feast with your eyes k. Pictures especially for you!

Menu: Nasi Briyani
Vegetarian Mutton Spicy Dry Curry
Curd with Red Chilli and Cucumber

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A little teet-a-teet on Deepavali!

So, its about 1 and I'm currently seated in my plush sofa in front of the tv. Dad is watching Vaanam and mum is busy decorating the house with flowers. Since I have nothing much to do (or chooses not to have anything to do), I decided to blog.
Last night as I offered prayers for my late grandma and grandpa, I couldn't help but think of how life would be different if they were still around. True. I never really knew them. But, then again, maybe my extended family would not have broken off if they were still around. I mean, I would have had a houseful of attais, mamas, chitepa, periyapa, chiti, cinema, perima, and so on. Maybe life would be so much more colourful. But then again, knowing how they are like, maybe this silent life is far better off. Who knows? Do i miss my extended family? Nope. I mean, I have relatives that care. And why bother about those who left right? To think of it, maybe that's why I am so afraid of losing people in my life. I forgive friends easily and I take the initiative to keep in touch with people and I never let people go, no matter how much I know I should. Maybe watching people leave made me have this constant fear that people I love will leave me one day too. Anyway, my policy is to not get involved in family politics. So, lets not even go there. Anyway, as I said I do wish my grandparents were still around. My dad's parents passed away when I was in primary school and my mum'm parents left us when I was still a toddler. So, I don't have much memories of them. And anytime anyone talk about their grandparents, I always listen with interest. It's funny how people complain about their grandmas n grandpas that always nag. I guess it's a thing I'll never have in my life. But sure enough, I do hope that the idiot I marry later on will have a huge extended family. A lot of people. A lot! I would love to have all those people to talk to, to socialise with. It will be fun!
Anyway, enough of such a long post. I'm off to go feed my two kids. I swear Dino can be such a manja case when it comes to eating. He only eats if I feed him. Not that I'm complaining. You know how much I love to spoil them! Anyway, have a good day people!


Monday, October 24, 2011

Scrubbing my soul.

I rose to the little barks of Ruby and Dino at about 9 in the morning. All I felt like doing was turn my back and drift off to wonderland. Nothing to think about, nothing to worry...the perfect Ethiopia. Instead, I got up and Dino came forward expecting his usual morning hug and kiss. I hugged him tight and patted the sleepy Ruby and decided to just stay relaxed the whole day. I was depressed and did not feel like doing anything. I know I had to get it all out of my system.
And you know what I did? I started cleaning up. I cleaned the prayer room. Took out all the stuffs and washed it. There were a lot to wash and I know its ridiculous to wash things we don't even use. But I did. I scrubbed, scrubbed, and scrubbed. Dad was right beside me helping me out. He did not ask why I was doing what I was doing. He just sat next to me and washed.
And in between all that I realised something.
My prayer stuffs are quite old. Existed even before I did. It was old yet with a little soap and a bit of scrubbing it shone like new! And that's when I realised that we all have strength in us. We all have the courage to do all that we want to. We don't need to succumb to fears. But, too often we forget how being brave feels like. We forget the face of courage. And we let things hurt us. We let people get to us. We hold on when we should let go. And all because we forget how much we have in us. So, today I'm washing my soul. Im scrubbing my heart. I am searching for strength and I'm looking for courage. Courage to get through the remaining days without fear of losing out. To get through the rest of my life not letting anything get to me. Not letting my emotions run high. Just simply going back to being who i was.

Are you falling in love?

No matter how many times I read this, it never gets old.

7 signs your falling in love:

7. You"ll read their txts over and over again
6. You"ll walk really really slow while youre with them
5. They becomes all you think about
4. You"ll get high just by their smell
3. You"ll realize that you"re always smiling, when you think about them
2. You"ll do anything for them
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time

So, go chase that person!

Reminiscing the past.

If someone asked me how I am, I take a deep breath, smile and say, " u noe me...the usual".But how usual is usual I don't know. It amazes me how much I have matured within the span of 2 years. I know I sound like a broken record player for saying that. But I had a deep conversation with a fellow good friend and she, unintentionally made me think of how much life has changed. Looking back, I wish I had known all I know now. But, that's what memories are for. Reminiscing the past is always hard. Nevertheless, as I sit here with my comfy cup of ice-cream, I am appreciative of all that has happened. If life had a rewind button, I would press it. I would go back in time and make the necessary changes. But then again, I am who I am today because of what happened yesterday. I won't deny that either.

So, to all those who are going through a bad phase in life, I would say this. Life has no rules. It's like going into a wide sea blindfolded. You think you know what's going on but then you get blown away by the wind. That's how it works. I believe in believing. I'm the kinda girl who looks up at the sky and wishes upon the moon and stars. I believe if we wish hard enough, things will happen. And in saying that, I would also say this. Faith is what you think you believe. So, if life got a little tough, look at the moon and wish for it to change. It will. As funny as it sounds, it will.

Giving up is not why God made us. If HE brought us to it, HE will bring us through it. So, in life never ever give up. No matter how tough things got, no matter how much that seems like the easy way out, and no matter how much it hurts. Just don't give up. Don't give up on something you believe in, don't give up on someone you love and don't give up on yourself. Life is what you make of it.

Hence, as I sit here and indulge in ice-cream, I look around and see the familiar faces I love and I know everything happens for a reason. I have what I have and I don't have what I don't have for a reason.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Like a misplaced jigsaw.

It's 9.47 a.m on a typical Sunday and I'm here blogging. I keep on glancing over to my phone which is securely holding my broadband in place. No new messages. Haiz.
Try as I might, I can't seem to be able to focus on anything. I feel like I need something excitingly new in my life. I wake up every morning and it's the same. Life is starting to get to me. When I was in the hostel, it was always wake up, shower, wrestle with hair, go to class, try to pay attention, talk non-stop with Kak Nab and Bagya, walk around the entire college hoping to bump into someone, go home, check into fb, get some work done, go for dinner and go to sleep. Though dinner could be fun at times, hunting for food and all, it was still the same routine. Either I would be too free or too busy and I hate that. I hate routines.
And now that I'm at home, things have changed slightly. Things are quieter and a lot easier to handle. I feel like a hypocrite saying that, but it is. I mean, in college all I think of is myself. And here at home, I have dad, mum n Ruby and Dino to think about. It is true that I am a much more mature person here at home. But it is still a routined life. And it still gets to me.
I took home 3 novels to keep me occupied during this short one week break and though I have started on it, its not keeping me engaged. It's weird actually. Its not like I'm bored or anything. I mean, I have tons to do. It's just that I feel like there is this part of my life that is missing. You know the feel you have when you put together a jigsaw puzzle and then you realise you lost one piece? And due to that one piece, your whole puzzle is ruined? That's how I feel. But, I still can't put my fingers to what it is that I don't have. As far as I know, I do things with no regrets. I don't skip doing something because its wrong to do so. I set my own rules. So what is it that is missing? I have no idea.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Happy Birthday Adrian!

Adrian, me and Dino

Happy birthday Adrian! You are an amazing person and I applaud you for that! Since I can't be there with you for your birthday, here is a little something from me. The top 5 reasons why you are special.

1) You know the proverb, "a friend in need is a friend indeed"? That proverb was made for you! I will never ever forget how you came that midnight upon hearing me cry on the phone. You are a true friend indeed.

2) You are crazy! CRAZY! You do things you like. You do things you want. In a way you follow your heart ( I know you won't admit it) But you do!

3) You are more than a friend. Like a family member indeed!

4) You always think of other people. You are not selfish. I am on my way to try being like that.

5) And lastly, you are special because you are you! No drama's. No falseness. Just yourself.

Happy birthday Adrian! You deserve the best because you are amazinG!

Fall in love.....with yourselves!

The new me! I love myself!
People out there! Listen up! Let's all fall in love! Fall madly in love! With whom you ask? With ourselves! Lets all love ourselves. I have seen so many people around me have all this inhibitions and hesitations that they are not good enough. I don't understand why they have that insecurities. We are all beautiful. We are all good people. So, let go of any nonsense worries and embrace yourselves with a warm hug.
And, let me tell you what I love about myself!

1)I recently changed my hairstyle and I absolutely love it! I love how wild my hair can get. I love how much I have to wrestle with it in the mornings! Funny right? But, it keeps me occupied and I love that.
2)I love my ability to crap when I don't take my morning coffee. I am such a pain at those hours. I laugh too much, I say things without thinking and ya, I act like I'm drunk! Its my special trait and I love that!
3) I love the love I have for animals. I made a life decision to turn into a vegetarian for that! And I'm super proud of myself. 4 months and still counting! :)
4) I love the fact that I can stay up so late, sleep a little, wake up early and be so awake!
5) I love it that I am called motherly! Haha. Din see that coming right? It's nice to be known as a mother. I hope I'll make a good one one day! (Minimum 4 kids!)

Wokay, I would love to continue the list but I really have to get going. Anyway, as I said earlier, lets all fall in love with ourselves! Do tell me what do you love about yourselves!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Broken hearts and bruised wounds

Honestly, I thank GOD for what He did for me yesterday. I know it was all him. And I thank him so much for that. He probably made me the happiest girl on earth.

But somehow, within that happiness, I am bruised all over. How do I explain this? I know I promised myself I won't cry. But how not to? I look at you and you are perfect. Do you see what I see? My heart doesn't skip a beat. It is stable. It is right there. All I feel is how right everything is. How perfect the way I feel. How comforting. Then you turn and look at me. For the briefest second. And you turn away. And then reality hits. You are everything in my eyes and I'm no one to you. You don't hold my gaze and I can't explain why. I don't know why I let you affect me this much without even you intending to do so. It hurts to know that you do not feel the way I feel.

And yes, you talk to her. You laugh with her. You share an umbrella with her. I thought it was jealousy and since I'm used to it, I let it go. Then I realised its not jealousy. It's knowing that I can never have all that. What do they call that emotion, I don't know. It's knowing I can't go back to a new start. It's knowing that even in a million years we won't share all that I wish we could.

All that we shared is silence. And I'm appreciative for that too. Maybe somewhere in that silence, lay the answers I don't want to hear. You gave me a good day. By just being who you are, even if I was not a part of it. The tears that I wiped as I saw you leave reminded me of how much hope hurts. I looked up at a star last night and wished for one last day. One last day to be spend with you. Even if it was just a silent day, I still want it. I want to have that memory engraved in my heart as I search for a closure.

I'll tell you this today, "The worst way to love someone is to stand right next to them and know that they will never love you back"

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just a kiss....

Just a kiss

Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams


Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

And im being ripped.


Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm not saying anything more.

Why is that so? Still wondering.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Fully charged n excited!

You know how sometimes right in the middle of an ordinary life, you suddenly get hit with reality? You know, like you read a book or watch a movie and somewhere within you, you find this urge to change? To be someone else? Someone new? It happened to me last night. I watched this movie and I suddenly knew I had to change. I had to be all that I ever wanted. I needed to stop worrying about life and start living a day at once. If I survive today, then I'll think of tomorrow. That's what life is all about right? One huge battle. But the way I see it, you can choose to hold a knife and battle your way through or you can depend on instincts and intuition and love to battle your way through. And if you know me, you know what my choice is. So, from today onwards, I'm going to set goals for myself to achieve. The goal for this week: Hug someone unexpectedly daily. Wish me luck people! I'm on a mission here!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again.”

Dear uncle,
I am sitting here with all this tears and I know I should not. Tears prevent souls from uniting with GOD. But, how not to cry when reality hits and I know I will not see your familiar face in my house on Sunday's to come? You were a good man and for that I will never ever forgive the person that robbed you of your life here on earth. My whole world shifted when I heard the news. Memories with you keep on flooding my thoughts when I least expect it to. They said it's better for you to have slipped away peacefully then wake up to a life of horror. But, I wish you woke up. I wish you did not let go. I know though that you put up a hell of a fight. I know that you are not hurting now and I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that my last memory of you is that smiling face sitting there in my hall chatting away loudly with my dad. I did not know then that it will be the last time I ever see you. You always told me that the tea I made is perfect though I knew it was too sweet. When you asked me why I turned into a vegetarian and I said I love animals too much, you just smiled and did not say a thing. You did not tell me what I was doing is crazy like what the rest of them did. You were always so understanding weren't you? I can't accept the fact that you are gone forever. I never once expected the day will come when I won't see you anymore. You were a good man. A very good man. I'm so sorry if I was not a better niece. I am so sorry for the times I did not follow the rest of my family as they visited you at home. I'm so sorry. Somehow even without me saying it, I know you know all this. I know you are happy up there. I will miss you. I will miss you so so much.

Lost for words...:'(

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Reliving the past..scared of the future

Loneliness is not a good thing. I know it's not wise to surround myself in this 4 walls and locked door. I smile the whole day and yet the moment I'm alone it all comes back. The reality of life. This 2 years that I have been through is unexplainable and I honestly don't have the strength to go through it all over again, even if it is not one of my own this time around. The feelings, and the environment all comes flooding back. I am alone and it haunts me to think of what might happen. I am more than worried because I am just too familiar of knowing how it feels to see a loved one barely moving in the ICU. I know how strange those doctor's words may seem. I don't want to relive this again but I can't seem to put it all at the back and move on. Like I said, when you are alone, you are forced to relive the past and you are forced to think of the future. I am putting all the weight in the world in GOD's shoulders and despite knowing HE is always there, I also know that right now their lives depend on humans that barely know anything. Everything is about money. And I hate it that it has to be as such. Why did GOD even create money? Why can't we live on love and care. Because I know they have enough of those. I know I'm hoping for a lot here, but no one said it's wrong to hope. Dear GOD, I know you hear me. Open your eyes to my words. Please?