Crossing to November with a toast to being all that I was in October.

With the new month nearing, I have decided to revamp my policy. I remember how sure I was with my policy a month back. With the end of September and the beginning of October, I told myself that I would live with no regrets and I honestly did that. I told myself that I should stop letting things affect me and I had to go with my heart. Looking back, I know I did that. I listened to my heart every single day, every hour, minute and second. I did not stop to think and I was happy. Honestly, I do not regret all that happened within this one month. So, in a sense, I successfully followed through with my October resolution. From October 1st to October 30th. It was beautiful every single day. I was happy. Happy through my laughters and through my tears. But as the month ends, I do realise how much I have lost too. I mean, I lost my pride. And that's something a girl should never lose. No matter what happens.

So, sitting here today I'm revamping my policy. As I welcome November in, I'm making sure I put myself before anyone else. In whatever I do, I want to stop for a moment and make sure what I do won't hurt me. I mean I have had enough of being hurt and enough of tears. I have had enough of caring when the other party obviously think I'm annoying. I know how much I tend to not let go of things I truly believe in. But then as the new month kicks in, I'm silencing myself. Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be. You need to just be yourself and stop trying to live for someone else. Sometimes the easiest thing to do is the most hardest. And sometimes thats the best thing to do. As a person who follows her heart, this is what my heart says I should do.

IPBA, hello again.

I am about to return to IPBA in a few hours and I'm currently packing my bags. I have the little Ruby and Dino sitting outside my room refusing to come in, with a sad face. Every ten seconds I turn to look at them and I curse the fact that I can't study from home. Yet, I do silently thank God for giving me a college that is merely 30 minutes away from home and one that I can return back to during weekends. If you asked me, I'm ready to return back to IPBA. This year has been a good year for me in IPBA. *touchwood* Too many memories. Well, memories are good right? *sigh*
Anyway, there is less than 3 weeks to go. Less than 20 days for the semester to end. How do I feel? I will never be able to truly pen down how I feel. So, lets leave it at that k. Anyway, to all PISMP TESL Jan 2011 intake, good luck. Countless books to revise and equally countless files to open. 4 papers. We can do it!

Arranged marriages versus love marriages? Now, that's not a tough choice!

I was having my morning shower when this idea struck me. To write on relationships. I mean I sat all night debating with my mum on how stupid some girls were to have arranged marriages. If you are an Indian girl, you would understand what I'm saying- Well I do hope that you are civilised enough to understand at that.
Anyway, what really prompted me to write on this issue is the fact that recently I have heard of more than one abusive, failed marriages happening within close friends and relatives at that. And they all had an arranged marriage. Okay. Before you start pointing fingers and accusing me of taking sides, let me make this clear. Yes. I do know of people who were madly in love, got married and eventually divorced too. I mean, we even see it happening to our favourite actors. So, what is it about failed arranged marriages that get to me? I'll tell you.
The way I view marriage is like this Ethopia. Like heaven. Everyone says its beautiful and perfect but no living soul can prove all that they know of heaven. That's how marriage is. It's supposed to be perfect but you will never know till you are in it. To me, it is that unknown-ness thats so indescribably beautiful. I mean, a simple question, why do we want to wake up early, iron some other man's shirt or cook for him or clean up after him? Give me one valid reason for us females to do so? And as for the males, why do you need to go earn money, save up for the future when you can live for yourself? Why do we want to live for another person? Is there a real answer to it? No! But then again, we do all that! And why? Because the other person mean more than anything in this world. Because you love that person. That's how marriage should be like. Confusing? Let me lay it out in simple terms.
Ask your mum or your dad. Why do you insist on cooking dad's favourite dish when he scolds you? Or why do you give mum money even when all she does is nag? And, tell me what they say. In the future, when my child asks me that, I would like to answer because I love him. Not, "because I have to". There is a big difference there.
When you love someone, you do things because you WANT to not because you HAVE to. Or because that's what is expected of you as a wife or a husband. It's beyond role play.
And of course, there are always people who say that you can always find time to fall in love with your respective husband or wife after the marriage ceremony. When you start living together. Now, now, now. Isn't that tolerance than? Isn't that I HAVE to love you instead of I WANT to love you?
I won't say that I'm against arranged marriages due to the fact that a girl is treated like a cow on sale. (Reminds us of Mango Season by Anita Desai right?) Well, she has to get dressed up, bow before a man who chooses to have the first say on whether he likes her. Well, that's culture and tradition. I won't say it's wrong but I won't say it's right either. Well, I would choose not to go undergo that ceremony later on in life for the simple reason that I promised myself that I won't ever have an arranged marriage.
I recently told my mum that and she was so supportive of me that I had to look up the skies and thank God! :) We were washing the dishes when I casually brought up the topic. I told her that when I find someone special she would be the first person to know. And as long as I haven't said anything, it means I am not in a relationship and she is not permitted to ask me anything further. She told me I am only 20 and there is still a long way to go. Well, who knows when someone can steal your heart right?

To me, marriages are too sacred to play with. When I walk down the aisle one day, I want to be able to look up and see the guy waiting up there with nothing but love. I want to feel my heart skip a beat and tell me that I have found my prince charming. I don't want even for a brief second to have any hesitations or second-mindedness. When the holy thread is tied, when the priest chants and as the crowd bless us, I want to be able to smile and cross over from a girl to a wife happily. I want to be able to turn to him and hear my heart whisper that he is "the one" for me. And I believe whole-heartedly that I would have all that with love.
Sure enough, the romance would soon die down and life would set in. He'd probably get on my nerves at times and I'd probably get on his too. But, no matter how tough life got, I won't ever walk away from him. So, trust me to find someone like that! :)

Anyway, the whole point of this post is to tell you guys and girls out there that marriages should be build on love. Nothing but love. Because where there is love, there is everything else. So, believe in the power of love. Go in the direction your heart sets you to and feel the magic of being loved and love in return. Love unconditionally! :)

Roadtrip= Awesome!

Omygoodness. Omygoodness. Wokay. That's me jumping around happily. I'm in a very excited mood. You see, I just came back from an all around unplanned/random/last minute road trip to the countryside! How can I not be excited right? Well, you know me.
So, my morning started off in a very tensed way. I had to run around from one building to another submitting forms and you know how public services can be. I ended up cursing the public healthcare of our country due to the fact that they make the public suffer! (I'll write on that one day, I promise). Anyway, by 12 pm I was exhausted, perspiring from head to toe and all I wanted to do was get some rest. Well, its hard when you slept at 3 and woke up at 7.30 in the morning. My body just shut on me. And that's when the phone call came. Dad's friend called and said that they were planning to go to Sepang. Reason? Just to visit some relatives and just to relax. They invited us along. I took a look at dad and told him I just can't. I can't take another step. I'd probably faint. So, the decision was made that I'd stay home with Ruby and Dino and both mum and dad were to go with them.
Nevertheless, all changed when my cousin sis( well, when a family friend treats u better than a relative ever can, they are blood to me) arrived. She told me that she was driving and that it would be fun to have the day off. You know. A change of scenario. I thought, "Hell, Why not?", grabbed my camera and off I went. How beautifully perfect the day turned out to be!
Highlights of the road trip:
-Separating the youngsters from the erm..not so young ones...:)
-Missing the very first turning to Banting resulting in both dad's panicking over us
-Stopping in every petrol station to hunt for a washroom
-Discovering that there are petrol stations that are too outdated! They don't even sell chocolates and chewing gums!
-Cursing the fact that the road was too bumpy for a brand new car
-Mooing whenever we saw a cow
-Too loud music and heck no one to complain
-Choki-choki destress time
-Discussion on what makes the tamil cinema click
-Hunting for an extremely old friend's house
-A shop with all pink mugs! Oh yes. I loved it!
-Debating on arranged marriages versus love marriages
-Walking all by myself in an abandoned road, snapping pictures and finding an extremely adorable dog there
-Rushing to the beach only to have it rain
-Snapping silly pictures by the beach side
-Sleeping with my contact lens still intact and then waking up and freaking out
-Finally being able to satisfy my crave for a bar of cadbury chocolate
and much more memories. Thank you GOD for letting me have the joy of being a child in a new environment.

With love from Malaysia to Indonesia...:)

This post is written with love for my darling, beautiful, always-getting-on-my-nerves-yet-i-can't-help-but-love sister. From Malaysia to Indonesia. But, first let me tell you a little about her. If I am Miss Romance, then she is Miss Serious. If i'm Miss Random, then she is Miss Go-By-The-Book, If i'm Miss Panic, then she is Miss Cool. So, you get the idea. We are like day and night. The differences are just too obvious. She is just a year older but she never lets me forget that!.
Anyway, the reason why this post is for her is due to the fact that I cooked a full blown lunch meal and as I watched dad and mum eat I felt a tiny nudge in my heart that she is not here to enjoy it with them. Probably she'd criticise my ability in the kitchen, but I dO miss that criticism. So, anyway, Miss Losine, I cooked today and it turned out to be super awesome. I'll let you feast with your eyes k. Pictures especially for you!

Menu: Nasi Briyani
Vegetarian Mutton Spicy Dry Curry
Curd with Red Chilli and Cucumber

A little teet-a-teet on Deepavali!

So, its about 1 and I'm currently seated in my plush sofa in front of the tv. Dad is watching Vaanam and mum is busy decorating the house with flowers. Since I have nothing much to do (or chooses not to have anything to do), I decided to blog.
Last night as I offered prayers for my late grandma and grandpa, I couldn't help but think of how life would be different if they were still around. True. I never really knew them. But, then again, maybe my extended family would not have broken off if they were still around. I mean, I would have had a houseful of attais, mamas, chitepa, periyapa, chiti, cinema, perima, and so on. Maybe life would be so much more colourful. But then again, knowing how they are like, maybe this silent life is far better off. Who knows? Do i miss my extended family? Nope. I mean, I have relatives that care. And why bother about those who left right? To think of it, maybe that's why I am so afraid of losing people in my life. I forgive friends easily and I take the initiative to keep in touch with people and I never let people go, no matter how much I know I should. Maybe watching people leave made me have this constant fear that people I love will leave me one day too. Anyway, my policy is to not get involved in family politics. So, lets not even go there. Anyway, as I said I do wish my grandparents were still around. My dad's parents passed away when I was in primary school and my mum'm parents left us when I was still a toddler. So, I don't have much memories of them. And anytime anyone talk about their grandparents, I always listen with interest. It's funny how people complain about their grandmas n grandpas that always nag. I guess it's a thing I'll never have in my life. But sure enough, I do hope that the idiot I marry later on will have a huge extended family. A lot of people. A lot! I would love to have all those people to talk to, to socialise with. It will be fun!
Anyway, enough of such a long post. I'm off to go feed my two kids. I swear Dino can be such a manja case when it comes to eating. He only eats if I feed him. Not that I'm complaining. You know how much I love to spoil them! Anyway, have a good day people!

Yes!

Scrubbing my soul.

I rose to the little barks of Ruby and Dino at about 9 in the morning. All I felt like doing was turn my back and drift off to wonderland. Nothing to think about, nothing to worry...the perfect Ethiopia. Instead, I got up and Dino came forward expecting his usual morning hug and kiss. I hugged him tight and patted the sleepy Ruby and decided to just stay relaxed the whole day. I was depressed and did not feel like doing anything. I know I had to get it all out of my system.
And you know what I did? I started cleaning up. I cleaned the prayer room. Took out all the stuffs and washed it. There were a lot to wash and I know its ridiculous to wash things we don't even use. But I did. I scrubbed, scrubbed, and scrubbed. Dad was right beside me helping me out. He did not ask why I was doing what I was doing. He just sat next to me and washed.
And in between all that I realised something.
My prayer stuffs are quite old. Existed even before I did. It was old yet with a little soap and a bit of scrubbing it shone like new! And that's when I realised that we all have strength in us. We all have the courage to do all that we want to. We don't need to succumb to fears. But, too often we forget how being brave feels like. We forget the face of courage. And we let things hurt us. We let people get to us. We hold on when we should let go. And all because we forget how much we have in us. So, today I'm washing my soul. Im scrubbing my heart. I am searching for strength and I'm looking for courage. Courage to get through the remaining days without fear of losing out. To get through the rest of my life not letting anything get to me. Not letting my emotions run high. Just simply going back to being who i was.

Are you falling in love?

No matter how many times I read this, it never gets old.

7 signs your falling in love:

7. You"ll read their txts over and over again
6. You"ll walk really really slow while youre with them
5. They becomes all you think about
4. You"ll get high just by their smell
3. You"ll realize that you"re always smiling, when you think about them
2. You"ll do anything for them
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time

So, go chase that person!

Reminiscing the past.

If someone asked me how I am, I take a deep breath, smile and say, " u noe me...the usual".But how usual is usual I don't know. It amazes me how much I have matured within the span of 2 years. I know I sound like a broken record player for saying that. But I had a deep conversation with a fellow good friend and she, unintentionally made me think of how much life has changed. Looking back, I wish I had known all I know now. But, that's what memories are for. Reminiscing the past is always hard. Nevertheless, as I sit here with my comfy cup of ice-cream, I am appreciative of all that has happened. If life had a rewind button, I would press it. I would go back in time and make the necessary changes. But then again, I am who I am today because of what happened yesterday. I won't deny that either.

So, to all those who are going through a bad phase in life, I would say this. Life has no rules. It's like going into a wide sea blindfolded. You think you know what's going on but then you get blown away by the wind. That's how it works. I believe in believing. I'm the kinda girl who looks up at the sky and wishes upon the moon and stars. I believe if we wish hard enough, things will happen. And in saying that, I would also say this. Faith is what you think you believe. So, if life got a little tough, look at the moon and wish for it to change. It will. As funny as it sounds, it will.

Giving up is not why God made us. If HE brought us to it, HE will bring us through it. So, in life never ever give up. No matter how tough things got, no matter how much that seems like the easy way out, and no matter how much it hurts. Just don't give up. Don't give up on something you believe in, don't give up on someone you love and don't give up on yourself. Life is what you make of it.

Hence, as I sit here and indulge in ice-cream, I look around and see the familiar faces I love and I know everything happens for a reason. I have what I have and I don't have what I don't have for a reason.

Like a misplaced jigsaw.

It's 9.47 a.m on a typical Sunday and I'm here blogging. I keep on glancing over to my phone which is securely holding my broadband in place. No new messages. Haiz.
Try as I might, I can't seem to be able to focus on anything. I feel like I need something excitingly new in my life. I wake up every morning and it's the same. Life is starting to get to me. When I was in the hostel, it was always wake up, shower, wrestle with hair, go to class, try to pay attention, talk non-stop with Kak Nab and Bagya, walk around the entire college hoping to bump into someone, go home, check into fb, get some work done, go for dinner and go to sleep. Though dinner could be fun at times, hunting for food and all, it was still the same routine. Either I would be too free or too busy and I hate that. I hate routines.
And now that I'm at home, things have changed slightly. Things are quieter and a lot easier to handle. I feel like a hypocrite saying that, but it is. I mean, in college all I think of is myself. And here at home, I have dad, mum n Ruby and Dino to think about. It is true that I am a much more mature person here at home. But it is still a routined life. And it still gets to me.
I took home 3 novels to keep me occupied during this short one week break and though I have started on it, its not keeping me engaged. It's weird actually. Its not like I'm bored or anything. I mean, I have tons to do. It's just that I feel like there is this part of my life that is missing. You know the feel you have when you put together a jigsaw puzzle and then you realise you lost one piece? And due to that one piece, your whole puzzle is ruined? That's how I feel. But, I still can't put my fingers to what it is that I don't have. As far as I know, I do things with no regrets. I don't skip doing something because its wrong to do so. I set my own rules. So what is it that is missing? I have no idea.

Happy Birthday Adrian!

Adrian, me and Dino

Happy birthday Adrian! You are an amazing person and I applaud you for that! Since I can't be there with you for your birthday, here is a little something from me. The top 5 reasons why you are special.

1) You know the proverb, "a friend in need is a friend indeed"? That proverb was made for you! I will never ever forget how you came that midnight upon hearing me cry on the phone. You are a true friend indeed.

2) You are crazy! CRAZY! You do things you like. You do things you want. In a way you follow your heart ( I know you won't admit it) But you do!

3) You are more than a friend. Like a family member indeed!

4) You always think of other people. You are not selfish. I am on my way to try being like that.

5) And lastly, you are special because you are you! No drama's. No falseness. Just yourself.


Happy birthday Adrian! You deserve the best because you are amazinG!

Fall in love.....with yourselves!

The new me! I love myself!
People out there! Listen up! Let's all fall in love! Fall madly in love! With whom you ask? With ourselves! Lets all love ourselves. I have seen so many people around me have all this inhibitions and hesitations that they are not good enough. I don't understand why they have that insecurities. We are all beautiful. We are all good people. So, let go of any nonsense worries and embrace yourselves with a warm hug.
And, let me tell you what I love about myself!

1)I recently changed my hairstyle and I absolutely love it! I love how wild my hair can get. I love how much I have to wrestle with it in the mornings! Funny right? But, it keeps me occupied and I love that.
2)I love my ability to crap when I don't take my morning coffee. I am such a pain at those hours. I laugh too much, I say things without thinking and ya, I act like I'm drunk! Its my special trait and I love that!
3) I love the love I have for animals. I made a life decision to turn into a vegetarian for that! And I'm super proud of myself. 4 months and still counting! :)
4) I love the fact that I can stay up so late, sleep a little, wake up early and be so awake!
5) I love it that I am called motherly! Haha. Din see that coming right? It's nice to be known as a mother. I hope I'll make a good one one day! (Minimum 4 kids!)


Wokay, I would love to continue the list but I really have to get going. Anyway, as I said earlier, lets all fall in love with ourselves! Do tell me what do you love about yourselves!

Broken hearts and bruised wounds

Honestly, I thank GOD for what He did for me yesterday. I know it was all him. And I thank him so much for that. He probably made me the happiest girl on earth.

But somehow, within that happiness, I am bruised all over. How do I explain this? I know I promised myself I won't cry. But how not to? I look at you and you are perfect. Do you see what I see? My heart doesn't skip a beat. It is stable. It is right there. All I feel is how right everything is. How perfect the way I feel. How comforting. Then you turn and look at me. For the briefest second. And you turn away. And then reality hits. You are everything in my eyes and I'm no one to you. You don't hold my gaze and I can't explain why. I don't know why I let you affect me this much without even you intending to do so. It hurts to know that you do not feel the way I feel.

And yes, you talk to her. You laugh with her. You share an umbrella with her. I thought it was jealousy and since I'm used to it, I let it go. Then I realised its not jealousy. It's knowing that I can never have all that. What do they call that emotion, I don't know. It's knowing I can't go back to a new start. It's knowing that even in a million years we won't share all that I wish we could.

All that we shared is silence. And I'm appreciative for that too. Maybe somewhere in that silence, lay the answers I don't want to hear. You gave me a good day. By just being who you are, even if I was not a part of it. The tears that I wiped as I saw you leave reminded me of how much hope hurts. I looked up at a star last night and wished for one last day. One last day to be spend with you. Even if it was just a silent day, I still want it. I want to have that memory engraved in my heart as I search for a closure.

I'll tell you this today, "The worst way to love someone is to stand right next to them and know that they will never love you back"

Just a kiss....

Just a kiss


Lyin' here with you so close to me
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe
Caught up in this moment
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms
We don't need to rush this
Let's just take it slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time
It'll only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams

Tonight
Tonight
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight
Just a touch of the fire burning so bright
No I don't want to mess this thing up
I don't want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight
With a kiss goodnight
Kiss goodnight

And im being ripped.

\

I'm not saying anything more.

Why is that so? Still wondering.

Fully charged n excited!

You know how sometimes right in the middle of an ordinary life, you suddenly get hit with reality? You know, like you read a book or watch a movie and somewhere within you, you find this urge to change? To be someone else? Someone new? It happened to me last night. I watched this movie and I suddenly knew I had to change. I had to be all that I ever wanted. I needed to stop worrying about life and start living a day at once. If I survive today, then I'll think of tomorrow. That's what life is all about right? One huge battle. But the way I see it, you can choose to hold a knife and battle your way through or you can depend on instincts and intuition and love to battle your way through. And if you know me, you know what my choice is. So, from today onwards, I'm going to set goals for myself to achieve. The goal for this week: Hug someone unexpectedly daily. Wish me luck people! I'm on a mission here!

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven, and bring you home again.”

Dear uncle,
I am sitting here with all this tears and I know I should not. Tears prevent souls from uniting with GOD. But, how not to cry when reality hits and I know I will not see your familiar face in my house on Sunday's to come? You were a good man and for that I will never ever forgive the person that robbed you of your life here on earth. My whole world shifted when I heard the news. Memories with you keep on flooding my thoughts when I least expect it to. They said it's better for you to have slipped away peacefully then wake up to a life of horror. But, I wish you woke up. I wish you did not let go. I know though that you put up a hell of a fight. I know that you are not hurting now and I am thankful for that. I am also thankful that my last memory of you is that smiling face sitting there in my hall chatting away loudly with my dad. I did not know then that it will be the last time I ever see you. You always told me that the tea I made is perfect though I knew it was too sweet. When you asked me why I turned into a vegetarian and I said I love animals too much, you just smiled and did not say a thing. You did not tell me what I was doing is crazy like what the rest of them did. You were always so understanding weren't you? I can't accept the fact that you are gone forever. I never once expected the day will come when I won't see you anymore. You were a good man. A very good man. I'm so sorry if I was not a better niece. I am so sorry for the times I did not follow the rest of my family as they visited you at home. I'm so sorry. Somehow even without me saying it, I know you know all this. I know you are happy up there. I will miss you. I will miss you so so much.

Lost for words...:'(

Reliving the past..scared of the future

Loneliness is not a good thing. I know it's not wise to surround myself in this 4 walls and locked door. I smile the whole day and yet the moment I'm alone it all comes back. The reality of life. This 2 years that I have been through is unexplainable and I honestly don't have the strength to go through it all over again, even if it is not one of my own this time around. The feelings, and the environment all comes flooding back. I am alone and it haunts me to think of what might happen. I am more than worried because I am just too familiar of knowing how it feels to see a loved one barely moving in the ICU. I know how strange those doctor's words may seem. I don't want to relive this again but I can't seem to put it all at the back and move on. Like I said, when you are alone, you are forced to relive the past and you are forced to think of the future. I am putting all the weight in the world in GOD's shoulders and despite knowing HE is always there, I also know that right now their lives depend on humans that barely know anything. Everything is about money. And I hate it that it has to be as such. Why did GOD even create money? Why can't we live on love and care. Because I know they have enough of those. I know I'm hoping for a lot here, but no one said it's wrong to hope. Dear GOD, I know you hear me. Open your eyes to my words. Please?

Don't let go

Why does this keep happening? I cannot take it. I don't want their lives to be in danger. Why is it that they have to suffer for something someone else did? I want to drop everything and return to Klang. Oh GOD, please please don;t take them away from earth. They have so much more to see. My uncle is a good man. My aunt is an amazing lady and my cousin brother is too young. They do not deserve this. Dear lord, I beg you. Please keep them safe. Please don't rob their lives.
Dear uncle, aunt, brother, don't let go. Please survive. Please hold on. I'm praying. I know God will answer my prayers. Please hold on.

~All I ever wanted to say~

More pages and more tears.

There's so much I want to say to you, but I'm not sure where I should begin. Should I start by telling you that I love you? Or that the days I have spent with you have been the happiest of my life? Or in the short time I've known you, I've come to believe that we were meant to be together? I could say all those things and all would be true, but as I reread them, all I can think is that I wish I were with you now, holding your hand and watching for your elusive smile.
-Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

I turn each page and find myself weeping. I would like to believe that this tears are due to the touching story of Savannah and John. And yet, somewhere deep down my heart I know I'm not merely touched, I'm crushed that I will never be all you have ever wanted. I'll never be Savannah and you will never be John. Maybe I will run out of tears and maybe one day I will wake up without this ache in my heart. Maybe I will stop worrying, and stop caring. Maybe a day will go by without you in my mind. Maybe I will recover. Maybe I will move on.


But then again, maybe I won't.

What shoul i do?

TESL night 2011...:)

This post is 2 days late so please forgive me for that. I was not busy, just not in the mood. And now, sitting here comfortably in my room, on my bed, with Ruby sleeping soundly next to me, I'm able to write. I'm going to tell you all about TESL night 2011. From my eyes that is.
I was pacing back and forth, unable to make a decision on whether I should go or skip Tesl nite. In one end, I know I should support my fellow Teslians and my dear juniors and in the other end, not many of my cohort mates were going. But the final decision was made by my dear friend Bagya. She wanted to go and I did not want her to go alone. So, the both of us and ya, I talked my room mate into going..making it the three of us got dressed up and went, not having much expectations. But, we were seriously caught off guard. The juniors did a fantastic job in organising the event and we had so much fun! The night definitely started and ended with a bang! Good job guys! Really proud of u'll.

L+O+V+E= I have no idea!

I look for inspiration and yet somehow words fail me. It fails to describe all that I feel. I have tried penning down this countless times and all i end up with is drafts after drafts of half-way written things. How do you write when your heart is not where it should be?
I walked back yesterday from class with the pouring rain and drenched clothes and then it struck me. Why I do the things I do. Why I still care when I shouldn't. I looked up to the sky and saw this beautiful dark clouds. But beneath the darkness I saw a hint of light. It was trying its best to shine through the clouds. And all my unresolved questions were answered.
I may not be over you and that is not my fault and neither yours. Sometimes, things happen and i realise i can never go back and erase the memories. But then again, even if i were given a chance to do so, i won't. I will still choose to hurt rather than not feel a thing. Hence, I still choose to care even if I shouldn't. And I still choose to worry even if its not my place to worry. After all,
"Love that we can not have
is the one that last the longest,
hurts the deepest and feels the strongest".

And I rest my case.

Doble park= A big no no!

If you know me, then you know that the one thing that seriously gets on my nerves is when people don't follow instructions, rules and regulations. Alright, I can hear you now. Yes, I am also the person who says rules are meant to be broken. Okay, am I starting to confuse you? Let me explain.
The rules and regulations that I meant in my very first sentence is the rules that conform the society-to an extent that is. I'll give you a very simple example. To all drivers, road users, license holders-whatever you call yourselves, don't you know that you can't double park and leave your car there? I mean, how on earth did you get your drivers license if you can't even set such simple rules of where to park in your cpu? Seriously.
Last Saturday, my uncle had his baby shower at a restaurant that is situated in the heart of Klang town-or otherwise known as Little India. And, since Deepavali is around the corner, obviously the road was too packed and i was seriously blessed to have found a parking space. I parked, told GOD to watch over my car (as silly as it sounds, i always do so)and went to look at my beautiful nephwew. After the gathering, I happily returned to find some idiot (pardon me for my choice of words) double parked his BMW right at the back of my car, making it impossible for me to reverse mine out. Being who I am, I started honking. Seriously, nothig irritates me more than someone who doesn't follow rules on the road. I honked and honked and honked. And yet, no one came. I was so so so angry that I could have burst. Yes, I know I should stay calm coz people make mistakes. But then again, how do you stay clam when you find yourself honking for over 30 minutes, causing sound pollution to those around and the idiot was actually just eating at the restaurant nearby. Seriously. He knew he was at fault, and he did not bother to move his damn BMW. All he did was give me this "ur a girl, so i aint bothered look". I should have crashed into his BMW! Then he knows!
Fuh. So done is done. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I am a road user too. And a full license holder. If I can park sensibly, drive carefully and follow regulations, why can't you? So people, the next time you double park, at least be around when the person wants to reverse, or simply leave your phone number! But then again, why can't you just not double park? A issue to ponder!

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

Ps: I cried. I hope you do too.

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

The new me= Barbie on drugs

Have you met barbie on drugs? That's exactly how I look like right now. How is it that a hairdresser can never truly understand what you want? It was as simple as abc n she gave me a complicated haircut. Haiz. Well, it was my fault too. I woke up feeling like I need to do this massive change to myself coz its a new month and all. Why didn't I just make safe changes?? Oh boy. This is what happens when you are such a random person like me! I always do things at the heat of it and somehow it doesn't work out at the end. Haiz. But then again, I'm the girl who says you should never have any regrets in life. So, despite looking like barbie on drugs, which is a nick name i gave myself walking out of the saloon, I'm happy. No regrets. Life is too short to wake up with regrets! :)