The phase 2, first practicum update!

The rule of teaching: Never ever give up.
The reality: Cry yourself to sleep but wake up stronger.

It has taken me a very long time to write my first post on my second phase of practicum because I was shy. Shy to tell you that of all people I knew, I never once expected myself to give up on teaching. And I did just that last Monday. Monday was one of the toughest days I have ever had to encounter in my teaching life. Imagine entering a class of little 8 year olds who not only did not understand what you said but did not bother trying to? How would you feel? Well, I broke down because I did not know what I am supposed to do. Here is what happened.
My practicum partner who is also a close friend and I are supposed to take one period per week dedicated especially for the KSSR syllabus. We will be teaching Language Arts and yes there is evaluation plus observation for this. I love literature and hence I really like Language Arts. I was looking forward to this especially since sharing a classroom with another teacher is something I like. Funny, I know. Anyway, that Monday was the very first day that we met our kids. Our year 2 kids who will be our little "Language Arts Experiment". And all hell broke lose. They did not understand a word that I said. Not even a word. Oh that is not the bad part of it. The fact that I stood there for a good solid 30 minutes just teaching them 3 basic rules, using all the gestures, associations, pictures, body language that I can and then checking with them if they did understand anything, getting chorused with a yes, feeling better and finally when my friend took over the class, I had the first speechless moment of my career. You know what happened? She asked them, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". And the entire class, about 30 or so kids chorused back, without missing a beat, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". Yeap, they just repeated her question. They did not understand anything I told them. Yeap, nothing. And mind you, we are talking about a school which is situated in the heart of Bangsar. An urban school. My mind when blank, my heart cringed a little, I felt numb, as though a million needles were poking me through and it is bleeding but there is no pain. Yes, the first speechless moment of my teaching career. That broke me down. Why? I was just overwhelmed with too many emotions at once. Sad for these kids, feeling a little pressure from my conscience urging me to do something to change them, and above all, the "what if I can't do anything" feeling returned. It is really horrible to feel insecure in something you know is your passion. So, that night I cried myself to sleep, I told myself to not give up no matter what happens and well, honestly, I have no idea what this Monday is going to bring to me. I am looking forward to it though.
As for the rest, well, I am teaching year 5 once again and this time my kids are different. They are not attention-seekers, they fear me a little (why, I have no idea) and they surprise me a lot! I will tell you about them another day. Wait for it ya?
Well, whatever happens, at the end of the day I am just telling myself that I am an awesome teacher. Now the hard part is, believing in it.

Signing off as Miss Raeva.

Welcome practicum!

You know what I wanna do? I wanna sit next to someone and say that I am confused. I wanna watch the confusion that I feel in me displayed in their face when they hear me say that. I know, ridiculous. But that is how I feel and no, you don't get to tell me to feel a certain way. I am confused because I don't know what am I supposed to feel. My second phase of practicum starts next week and I shouldn't really be scared or anything since I have been through this once. I should really be calm and yet look at me. Walking around as though I am going for war next week. *slapsforehead* So typical me.
I had an amazing first phase of practicum. Beautiful children who loved me, a cooperating teacher who was so supportive, practicum partners who made practicum feel like one big happy party and a wonderful observing lecturer whom I was blessed to be around. I loved my first phase of practicum. So, what? Well, what if all these happened just so I would have a terrible second practicum? What if I just crumble under pressure this time around? I am not even at home. Family won't be there to glue my broken pieces together. Honestly, I am terrified.
You can never truly know what to expect you know. What if I end up compromising myself, giving up or even doubting my own abilities, ya I get it, I am already doing it. But still, so many questions of "What if". I don't know why but I feel confused, like really really confused. *sighs*
So ya, I need to divert my thoughts. I need something to wipe away this doubts. Where or what is this something? I have no freaking idea!

Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on. :)

Tears and more tears. When someone mentions the word "love," your heart is ripped in ways no one, even you thought is possible. How do you explain what you feel? Every part of your brain is embedded with memories, memories so distant to the mind but close to the heart. Do we really move on from that? Is forgetting someone you once loved, that difficult? How do you say "goodbye" for one last time and really mean it? If you could flush away thoughts of how your "once loved one" smiled, his/her smell, the way he/she used to tease you, all the "I love you's" said, the hugs exchanged and the hands which locked perfectly together, then life would be perfect, wouldn't it?
"MOVE ON" your brain screams at you and yet your heart whispers slowly, murmuring words of love that you never once knew could end. A terrifying experience, isn't it? 

People tell you that with time things would get better. They tell you how that girl or guy never really loved you and that you deserve someone way better, someone who won't break your heart. People hold your hands, trying to make you feel better. They pretend to listen to you as you go on and on about how much love you invested in, how screwed up you feel and how you wish it was all just a bad dream. And really tell me, how does it make you feel? More torn? More lonely? It should. 

Someone asked me this question today: "Why is it so hard to forget someone you once loved" I thought about it. And I decided I am not going to sugar coat words. Let me tell you the truth. We simply can't forget what was once ours. We may just "not remember" any longer with the passing years but forgetting? Impossible! 

That being said, remember this. You can't move on if that particular space is not filled with something else, something way better than what love offered you. I always say this: CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF!
Love yourself the same way you would want someone to love you. That person who once walked out on you is not going to return. Get that first. Take a few days to swallow that fact. It is difficult, I understand. Cry, Eat, Sleep, Shop, do whatever you want to do. But always tell yourself that you are going to move on from this. Tell yourself that things would get better. Find someone who will just listen to you ramble and do just that. Talk non-stop. 

Let me also tell you this. There is no point picking up the phone, dialing, texting or staring at old messages. There is just no point chasing after something that is not meant to be. Trust me, I know this is tough to hear but you need to or else you will suffer for years to come holding on to just dust when you could have diamonds in your hands.
I don't promise you that things would get better now. I don't promise you that your pain will heal tomorrow. But I promise you that it will one day. You will wake up one day and find yourself healed. No visible scars or wounds. And when that day happens, no one will be able to wipe that smile off your face. You will be the stronger, bolder, just so much more amazing version of yourself. This is possible, just believe. 

So, how do you know for sure that he is serious about you?

I spent my day talking to a lot of humans. I mean, real humans with feelings, right, I am one too. Anyway, the reason why I did that is because while I was in my lecture hall today, trying so hard to pay attention to Madam Yash, I thought of  something. Something very relatable as a matter of fact. Each and every one of us go through that phase in our lives when we are forced to question our heart and soul on whether that person that we have become attached to for some time now, the one that has showered us with so much love and care and to whom we have done more for than we have now for years for anyone is truly "the one". I mean, how do we even make that decision? Tough one, really. And let's say that we think he/she is "the one" then how do we know for sure that he/she is serious about us. There you go. The start of something I never imagined myself getting confused with. I always thought that when you meet a person that is meant to be the one you spend the rest of your aging years with, you will somehow feel it in your bones that this is it, this is the life you have always wanted. I mean, moving away from heart, mind and soul, to me it was always feel it in your veins and bones. That is the romantic aspect of me speaking.
Let's get back to reality then. So how do we know for sure? True, I am still single and shouldn't get my head wrapped around such questions but knowing me, you would know that walking away from a doubt is really not my style. So I questioned everyone I met today. The question is fairly simple, "How do you know for sure that a guy or a girl is serious about you"
Well, I must say that I was given a lot of good answers. Friends told me how "you will somehow know" to "if he loves you and is serious about you, he will never give up on you". Many good answers and now I am left questioning where I stand on this matter. So, here we go.
I think a guy is serious when he starts looking at his life as you being a part of it. Every decision that he makes is done with you in mind as well. I don't dare answer in the viewpoints of guys so let's just make it as from the viewpoint of a single girl who has no idea what she wants but will not settle for less than what she deserves. I think that a guy is serious about you when he never lets his ego heighten to a level that would be toxic for the relationship. A guy is serious when he won't give up on you despite every heart ache that you put him into (that being said, there is a limit to this too). Lastly, how do you know a guy is serious? Well, stop whatever you are doing for 5 secs and reflect on things he has said to you, his actions in the past...are you a part of his future or only a part of his present life? Ask yourself that and I think you pretty much would have the answer.
As for me, well, there is still a long way to go. Let me be Miss Love for now, not Mrs Love. After all, like I always said, I am looking for a prince and as far as I know, princes are really serious when it comes to love! *dreamyeyes*

I cry, but I am not weak. I am just me.

My sister says that I have a ready water tap that bursts at the most random hours. Okay, I got your attention with that one statement. Don't run away yet, what I am about to say is very important. So, let me take a deep breath and start putting emotions into words. *breaths in...holds breath...breaths out*
I don't see myself as a weak person just because I cry. I know that I always say that life is all about making choices. We make choices in a daily basis. The choice to wake up and go to class no matter how tired you feel, the choice to smile at a stranger when you see them or not to, the choice to listen when a fellow friend is tearing your soul apart with words, the choice not to let emotions get in the way of setting mind goals, etc, etc. It's all a choice, right?
So, here's the thing with me. I cry easy. I cry when I am angry and can't direct that anger at that particular person who put me in such a position in the very first place due to certain circumstances, I cry when I feel myself giving up on something that I believe in, I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. So ya, I cry. It doesn't make me weak. How you ask? I'll tell you.
We cry because we have been strong for way too long. There is just so much that our hearts can hold in. That is how I see it as. But this whole thing isn't a choice for me and that is what that has been bugging me. I don't want to feel this way especially since this last week has truly been a roller coaster ride. Tears made its way through me, though I didn't want it to, for more than a few reasons this week. I thought I am done with it all and now here I am, justifying myself for what I did last week. *slapsforehead* 

I don't wanna feel myself letting go of who I am. I am me. I am not perfect, at all. I have principles and values. I am a picky eater. I cry. I laugh for no reason. I get attached to people easy. I think animals, especially dogs are more important than humans. Words hurt me more than actions ever can, no matter who it is. I read because I love to write. I have big dreams. I love getting to know people. I like listening to people talk. I think teddy bears are the world's most important invention. I am a big girl who is still very little on the inside and yet I am a small girl who is standing up against this big bad world. So ya, I cry but I am not weak. I am just me.