July with a lil wink! ;)

So, it is July? Great. I don't even know how on earth June left and now I am faced with a new month. So, as usual, with the new month, it is time for some serious reflection and some quiet resolutions. Let's start with the reflection first shall we? June was nice in its own way I would say. There was that trip to Pahang for one of my friend's birthday and that by itself gave me too many precious memories that I honestly would not trade for anything else in this whole wide world. I realised that I do like travelling after all. I can relate to adventures too. Well, that is if there is anyone there with me. Even GOD knows I will definitely get lost if I was by myself. And June was awesome due to the fact that I had a brief friendship built to a celebrity who just happens to be hawt, with an amazing voice and definitely a bucketful of down to earth personality. So, that was quite fun. And to conclude, June was a month that I did a lot of soul searching and honestly, I think I have found what that I have missed. Alrighty, I know that statement is quite confusing but ya. I learnt to be bolder and to love myself more. Well, I always did. But sometimes even I know that I let people take me for granted. So, it took everything in me to straighten that fact. The journey was definitely tortures but the destination, perfect! So, finally July is here. I never saw it coming that is for sure. I just woke up in the morning and heard my mum and dad chatting away about how fast time has passed and how it is already July. Trust me, I almost had a heart attack. I mean, June is gone? So, I am a month older dy? I mean, at the rate that time seem to be turning its clock, I am so sure that I am going to be a wrinkly, cranky grandma before I even know it. Well, maybe not wrinkly and cranky. I will so be the cool, relate able one. Haha With the new month, I need to have a few resolutions. My resolution for this month is, erm, lets see...aha. well, I will keep that in me for a while aite? Let it be a secret for now. Shhhh. Anyway, Happy July my darls! May the month be one that is favourable and amazing in all ways possible! :)

LOVE is just another verb.

I know I have been missing for a while. I just got caught up in sorting myself out that I haven't had the time to really sit and pen down all that I feel. So ya, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be. Anyway, something happened recently that really affected me. I can't say what is the issue nor can I elaborate further on it because it is honestly not something that should be of my concern but somehow is. I know, I know. I am beginning to not make sense right? I have always been the kinda girl who spoke about fairytales and prince charmings and falling in love and all. I will insist on the existence of Cinderella and really get on the nerves of those who claim for her to be nothing but a mere myth. So, naturally my life is filled with expectations and it is quite hard to keep myself grounded. For me, being in love or falling in love and all requires just two hearts who care about one another in the most extraordinary ways possible. Hence the name, "Miss Love". And now a few events later, even love seems to be something so overrated. I looked at myself in the mirror and whispered that I do not deserve to get my heart broken. I do not deserve to be the one who sits in a corner and cries, trying to nurse a throbbing pain in the heart. And most importantly, I deserve more than all that. It is funny how I stopped going aaaww at love and all that. It is even funnier that I do not believe in love any longer. I mean, I believe in the concept of love. I just do not believe that there could be anyone out there who indeed understands what love is to me. Hence, how do I give away my heart then? I always thought that I would know when the right guy comes along. I always thought that I would never miss the signs of love. I mean, I am the one who practically reads those signs for others. So ya, I am now left wondering if those signs of love and having the right ones are all true or just another lie that life makes up. I am not confused. I am just questioning my own believe in love. And this quench for an answer does not seem to be one that I can satisfy.

Dear Mr. Crush, where on Earth are you?

You know what the world needs more of? Crushes. We need to have this tingly feel inside of us, the little name doodling, the endless day dreaming, oh I just miss all of it!
I need to have a crush. I mean my life is just such a bore right now that I would kill to have at least one person of whom I speak to or look at and just feel this daze in my head. Is it common for a girl like me, you know miss romance and all to have not had a crush for the last few months? I mean, I know I took an oath to stay single till I am at least 27 but ya i need one harmless crush on one harmless guy. I am not the kinda girl that needs a man in her life to make her feel complete and all. Oh dear, I am long gone from those days that I felt marriage and children is what defines a person's life. I am more realistic, much more matured and just very grown up, perhaps? (I know my close friends are probably laughing right about now, reading that sentence).
Anyway, one harmless crush. How much can it hurt? I mean, knowing myself really well, I know that I do not set limits to what and how I should feel towards a person. I mean, it is fairly simple actually. I believe that you can never tell your heart to feel a certain way. You can tell yourself not to act on it though, that is a choice. But ya, having a crush is good, really.
I met a close friend recently and we were catching up and all and she told me this out of the blue. She said, "Raevarthy, don't be stupid. There is no prince charming's out there. There are only normal guys out there. Those that drink, and smoke and party. They are not bad. They are not people without a direction in life. They are just people. There is no perfect guy and you have to get it in your head that it is not okay to push away such guys just because of your whole principle of being against alcohol and smoking". I must tell you, I spend a fair amount of time telling her that I do not judge a person by their actions. Just because I do not do it, that does not mean that I expect my other half to be the same. She shook her head and told me that I need to be more realistic. She told me to not be so demanding in the kinda guys I have a crush on. Gotta admit. She was right. The list I have up in my wall will prove it! I tend to be a little, okay, quite a lot demanding in the sort of guys I am attracted to and that is wrong. I get it.
The thing here is, I feel empty. I don't feel anything for anyone. Not even a simple attraction. Seriously, what is wrong with me? I mean, I get all wooed and all when I watch a romantic movie and I am able to feel the love as I read any literature works. So, how on earth is it that if you strip all that away from me, all I get is just emptiness. And the worst part of all is that my heart seems to be whispering to me that it has no intention whatsoever to fall for, have a crush on or like anyone for that matter. I mean, come on. I am a girl who is in her early 20's. I am surrounded by friends who speak about guys, and falling in love and all on a daily basis. So ya, dear heart, seriously, you need to have a reality check.
Anyway, looking at it in from another point of view, I kinda like this too. This emptiness. My heart is resting. It is telling me to be patient. That crush would come when the one walks by. So, just like how I am waiting for my prince charming, I should wait for my crush too. Aha. Now, that is a theory that I so do not like! But hey, I trust my heart you know. Like how a child trusts her mother.
So, dear next crush, whoever you are, just know that if I start doodling your name and having daydreams about you, then you must be really worth it coz you succeeded in pulling me outta this emptiness. So, a toast to you, perhaps? *winks*

Year 2, Sem 4, Day 1.

Screaming is good. Really. When you scream you release all your anger and frustration and all. I mean, apart from crying la that is. So you know what I did? I screamed into my pillow, trying as hard as I can not to make that much noise. It was quite impossible you see but thank God that my room mate was not here or else she might have just fainted. So ya.
Anyway, point is I screamed and though the level of frustration has decreased, it is now replaced with this feeling that I can't quite put into words. I just feel very not me. I feel blue perhaps? Close to that at least.
I just got back to college today and I was looking forward to the new semester and all. But it just does not feel like IPBA anymore. I know that is quite of an impossible way to describe IPBA. I am now in a new apartment with new housemates and things has just changed so much. I am supposed to have my exam results slip in my hand by now. That is how it used to be. Results on the very first day. And now it will take at least another 3 to 4 days. Mind you, it is not that I am dieing to know what I got and all. I am far from that. It is just that I do not like having any debts from last sem brought into this one. It is supposed to be a fresh start.
And speaking of that, the lecturers have found a new way to make us sign up for tutorials. In a piece of paper in which we had to number our options based on our preference level. So it is no more fighting and pushing around to sign up. Is this better? Will leave that to you to answer.
And being back in IPBA also means having to struggle with the food here. It is going to take me a very long while to adjust, that I am sure of.
It is very unlike me to have all these pessimistic thoughts on the very first day of a new semester. I am usually bright eyed and excited with everything. But, I now find myself questioning the very reason as to why I am here. I lay in bed thinking how different life would have been if I did follow my dreams. I mean, I am happy, don't get me wrong. Despite being in a profession that I never thought in a million years I would be, I am genuinely happy. I like my field. I just don't like what it is taking me to get there.
Day one has not been a good one for me emotionally. I need to get my feelings sorted out. I know that if I don't I would end up suffering for the rest of the sem and that is not something that I want. I am struggling here but I am trying. I give myself credit for that.

One whole year later, here comes 14th June!

A year ago on this date, 14th June, I was a complete mess but trying my best to look like I had it all under control. It is an experience that I never ever want to relive again in my life. And to tell you the truth, a year seemed like eternity at that time but guess what, I made it!
And with that painful experience, it also marks a year since I turned into a vegetarian. Amidst all the mockery and insults and back lashes that I got from relatives and friends, the real thing that I am proud here is not in my resistance of meat, i mean, that is something no vegetarians should be proud off. They should be proud of their decision to turn into one, but hey, who am I to say right? I am proud for living up to a principle that I truly believed in. I am happy to say that I never once gave in to what another human said. I never in those times of ridiculous lectures that I had with even strangers that I thought of giving in. The thought never crossed my mind.
Hence, 365 days later, I have made it and I have a whole life to look forward to, with more insults, that I am sure of. But it is not going to alter this decision I have made because I am a girl who does what her heart says is right. I might go through one hell of a labour pain (as what most aunts said) but I am truly strong enough to endure it. And I might have brittle bones and walk funny before any of my friends do, but hey, we all will age one day won't we?
And here is to me, a round of applause to myself for making it. I would love to have flowers delivered to me and a big card and a dinner to celebrate but hey, I am still a long way to making people understand why I took this path and I am not rushing it either. So I might just go out tomorrow to treat myself or maybe take over the kitchen and make myself something I really like. Rice, Sambar, Rasam and Tairu sounds so perfect.
14th June 2012, a year into Vegetarianism. I don't feel any different or anything. I just feel really really happy and ya, I have a huge grin on my face right now!

A little inspiration from a mechanics workshop! :)

As the world sleeps, I am here typing. Gotta say, I kinda like this whole writing spree mode that I am in. I always said that writing keeps me sane so ya. Anyway, topic of the day? Nothing. I just thought that I should be able to rant a little. I mean, it is my blog after all and God bless me that if I don't write anything insensitive or racist, there should not be a problem in ranting. And I am pretty good at being sensitive enough to know what is appropriate and what is not.
Anyway, I was at the mechanic's today getting something done with the car. Wokay. I will admit I am not good at cars. I mean, along with directions that is. But ya, cars. I don't understand how the car works, I mean the whole black oil and engines and stuffs. I can drive and I know how to pump petrol. So I am okay right? Right? *winks* Apparently, the whole world seems to be good at it except me, which is kinda worrisome and ya that is a lecture I get all the time from dad and sis that at 21 I should know. I mean, I just don't get it k. So ya, not planning to complicate myself learning bout something that is just not me. I mean, maybe I will learn all those stuffs in the future. Who knows?
And ya, back to the mechanic. I was at the workshop and you know me, so I started looking around and reading things that were up on the wall and all and I saw this poster which immediately caught my attention, whatever little there was anyway. The poster said, "The greatest success is in waking up from failure". Boom. And I had a moment there. I mean, it made so much sense that I swear I could have ran up and tore it down.
I mean, think of it. We all define failures in so many different ways when in reality we should really see how easy is it to take the very first step towards success. Just wake up from failure! Gotta admit. That is one concept that I should carefully pin into my brains.
And with that, I walked out of the workshop feeling like a hero. (I am dramatic, yes, and no, I don't care). It is not like I felt the whole spirit awakened and all but I did walk out with a big smile and I like it.
So, after a day of feeling so nauseous and sick, that little poster really made my day. Isn't it amazing how much inspiration we can get from the most random places? High 5 to that!

Cry. :'(

I miss you that I want to cry. I want to cry, really bawl out and cry. I thought I was okay. I even told everyone that I was okay. Until now. I am not even thinking of you and yet I really want to cry. Here that I am laying on my back with the lappy balanced on my tummy and my hair still wet with the cold shower I had and this back ache and head pain that all I want to do is cry. Ironic? I hear you.
I don't know how to let go. There I said it. I don't know. I really don't know. I am clueless. I am really trying here and I know I will regret this post the moment I wake up tomorrow. But I am not okay. And I have no one to run to and complain. I have no one to rest my head on and just sob because people like me don't cry. People like me shoulder other people when they cry.
So, yes, I want to cry. I want to stop feeling the way I do right now. The hard part is knowing that the tears are about to fall but the composure I have is not letting it to. I have never wanted to cry this much and so I don't know what to do.
I want to cry. Just ignore the whole world and cry.

Stay pretty for yourself ladies! :)

Beauty is only skin deep. Yes, I preach that. Along with my other crazy ideas, which obviously I don't think is crazy such as, "Money isn't important" to "If you dream of someone, it means that, that person missed you" to many others. Wokay, before I move on. A word of caution. The emotions are not balanced right now as I skipped my morning coffee hence I have a tendency to crap, but hey, who cares again?
Anyway, I was looking through some quotes and poems online, which is something I love doing by the way and I stumbled upon a page on what truly is beauty. And ya, the writer said that beauty is only skin deep and ya, I mean I agree on that. But, partially. Let me explain pls.
While it is true that I think beauty does not define who you are, it irks me to think that there are girls out there who do not give a damn about how they look. I mean, why on earth would you wanna walk out of your house with uncombed hair or mismatched clothes and all and call that being real? That is not being real, it is being silly. My view on this is very simple. You need to be happy with how you look. I mean, if having uncombed hair keeps you happy, then go for it. That is beautiful and I applaud it. But doing it because you feel like you are worth nothing or no one will look at you, now that is a concept I am absolutely against.
Seriously ladies, give yourself some self worth. Do not dress for another person. Dress for yourself. Make sure you look pretty for yourself. Again, the concept of "pretty" here is very subjective. Do what that you think is right. Do not walk around looking like a total clown because you think people should love you for your personality and not how you look. While it is true that you should be loved for your personality, please just put some love for yourself first! Trust me, I am not exaggerating here, I really know girls who are like that!
In conclusion, beauty is skin deep, yes. But beauty is also equals to feeling good of yourself. So, I say, put some effort to look good. After all, we should love ourselves first right?

Finding the missing part of me. :)

I love "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert because it teaches me to focus on me. To love me and to adore my emotions, thoughts, and body more than anyone in this world ever could. It also has set a clear limits in me to what is spirituality and religion. I am amazed how much this particular novel has changed me. It is sort of a self help book but in the form of an autobiography that is just so subtly and beautifully penned down.
I used to say that I take life a day at once with no regrets and care of what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow. I have learnt that though that might make sense to be the way to live, it is just not the way to live mine. I should bother about the pain's of yesterday because that is the lessons for tomorrow. I am not saying that I am the kinda person to hold on to hurt and pain and betrayal and all those stuffs. I am not. I am the "forgive and forget" kinda gal. But, I have not really looked into how much I have done to hurt other people and I have to start the mending process. Looking into all those is really bringing back memories I don't want to face, but I know I should.
As to me, I am still searching for answers. I know I have been lost far too long and should be in the verge to be out by now, but I don't feel like I am getting there. I mean, people tell me all the time that they would kill to have my "don't care about what other people think of you" attitude and the soaring self confidence. While it is true that other people's view of me never affect me, it always amazes me to know how much different I really am to what they see me as.
Hence, here I am, changing the way I am and all. I know at this point certain people would be thinking, why the hell do I need to complicate stuffs. Well, I have only a life to live and I better make it worth it right? I mean, I know perfectness doesn't exist and I am far from that but in a world where perfectness reigns, how on earth to keep expectations grounded?
People tell me all the time that they feel that there is this part of them that is missing. I never felt that way till today. I feel like I have not grown into myself. I feel as though there is this missing puzzle to me. I don't know what I am searching for and I have no idea what the answer is. But, I know I am not complete. And here it goes, the hunt to find the missing part of me has started. Lets toast to that shall we?

Just a week left! Should I smile or tear?

With a week left you would really think that I would have my entire schedule packed with interesting places to go to or people to meet. Well, here is the sad truth. I have nothing to do. Ya, I mean apart from the cleaning and arranging my room and all which mummy seem to think I should do. I mean, I like to clean and stuffs but I just have no mood to go through stuffs just to stumble upon things that are going to give me a heartache. I am really not ready for that. So yes, I have been driving mummy nuts with the boxes and all that are accumulated in my room.
Apart from that, I know that I have not lived up to the plans that I made for this hols. I just had a mini reunion with two friends of mine and that is not enough. I think talking to old friends of yours really puts things into perspective as to how much you have grown up and matured and all and I really like that. So with just a week left, I am hoping to have more chit chats with friends from my past.
And thinking about college and all, I am excited to start the new semester. I remember how much things were different 6 months ago and ya, I kinda miss my friends from college. But, I definitely don't miss the lectures or tutorials. And the one thing that I am not looking forward to is to hold the result slip in my hand. I have no idea how well or bad I have done and no, I don't wanna know.
Well, as much as I hate to go back to IPBA, at least I have a week to perk up my spirits and get ready mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Good luck people! Spend your week very wisely.

I wanna baby! Seriously, why are babies so so cute?

I was at the clinic earlier and there was this young mother with her dashing husband (wokay, I know it is wrong to stare at another girl's hubby, but seriously, he was too cute) and she was holding a baby of about 6 months old. He was dressed in this cute hoodie and was drooling away while looking around with his big eyes and then it hit me. I want a baby!
Yes, you did not hear me wrong. I really said it. I want a baby! I want to hold my own bundle of joy and watch as he or she grows up to be a dreadful teenager! Seriously, I am not joking. Screw finding my prince and getting married and all. I just want to walk down to any adoption centres and get a baby of my own.
Seriously, I am contemplating the idea. I mean, I always knew I would adopt a child. Even if I have one of my own later on in the future, adoption is something I really want to do. I have my mind and heart set to it. I can only hope that my other half would understand how much this means to me. Well, that is if I choose to get married.
I mean, lately I don't know why but the whole thing about getting married and going through this whole new phase of my life is not so appealing. I don't know whether it is my age that is speaking or just how much things have changed that is making me see stuffs clearer. I am not giving much thoughts to it though. I mean, why worry about something that is not happening in the next 5 years at least.
So, back to the idea of the baby. I want a baby. I mean, I like being a mum. Of course, being a mum to Ruby and Dino is my most favourite job in the world and it might be that excitement that is making me coo and call out to all the babies I bump into. A child is a gift from the one above and should be treasured.
So ya, I just wanna baby right now!

Ps: I should stop watching all those baby stories on Discovery Home & Health!

Lets battle our inner demons!

Topic of the day, battling inner demons. It can be anything, from food to poisonous thoughts to unkindly actions to even yourself. So, what am I battling? Well, I am battling staying true to myself. Have you ever felt like there is this two sides to you? You know, like a different personality that is just waiting to burst out and take over everything that you have ever known yourself to be like? Is that good or bad? Beats me to answer that.
I am not a person that gives up easily. I can be hell of a fighter. I fight for my rights, for my voice to be heard and for things that I believe in. But the problem arises when I am done fighting. I do not know where to turn to. When I give up, I am lost like a child in a candy store. Too many things to think about and too many bruises to attend to. What do a person do then apart from look down and sigh? Would love to know the answer to that.
So, here I am. Battling the need to be tougher and stronger. Battling staying true to who I am and not switching to my alter ego. It is definitely not an easy fight to try to be yourself. You change when you meet new people or when things don't go your way. I think the true challenge is in adapting and suiting yourself to time and environment while being true to who you are.
As much as I understand the concept, it is taking me all that I have to apply it. That's just so me kan? Well, anyway, I would like to wish all my fellow readers (if at all there is any) to have faith in yourself. You gotta love yourself first before you love another human.

Ps: Only humans ye, I mean, it is okay to love animals before you love yourself! :)

To lie or not to lie? Let's take a pick.

You know there is this thing that I do at times. I go really quiet, not saying anything for over an hour, I plug in my ear phones, play all those sad songs, and just generally feel down and sad for no particular reason. It is not something I do often, it just happens out of the blue and I do not know why I do it. And by the way, it is not PMS k? I know the difference. It is just days that I feel like being sad for things that probably do not even concern me. For example, i am currently sitting here crying over the fact that people lose their loved ones. I mean, that is not something that anyone does on a daily basis. And it is not like I just lost someone.
So, what is it with me then? I wish I had the answer to that. I just feel like walking up to a complete stranger, look him or her in the eye and say that I feel down and would like to talk to someone. Why complete stranger you ask? Well, the way I see it, people you know and trust are not the ones you should run to when you need someone to talk to or lean on. Half of them don't really care and half of them would succumb to saying things you wanna hear in contrary to saying things you NEED to hear. I mean, I for one would appreciate hearing something that would benefit me, even in the simplest way possible to hearing something that just pleased me at that moment. You get me?
I honestly appreciate the truth. I hate lies and being lied to. No matter how much it might crush me, I want the truth. And it is beyond hard in today's world to have pure truth in any sorta relationship. I am not saying that I don't lie. I do. I lie when I have to. So, why the fuss bout telling the truth and all? Well, I feel like a hypocrite doing it, because I know lies don't get you anywhere. And a lie is a lie only till the truth pops out. And talk about the degree of damage a little white lie can do! Aye aye aye!
So, the whole thing about talking to some stranger and getting things out just to hear the truth instead of sugar coated advises sounds perfect doesn't it? I know I sound a little mad but really think about it. When was the last time you made friends with a complete stranger till you told them your most darkest and deepest secret? Never? Well, I won't blame you too. I am having a hard time breaking out of my shell and really trusting people. When you trust, you get hurt. How on earth do I break that philosophy that is so much embedded in my soul? I have no freaking idea. Letting my guards down seems to be beyond impossible for a girl like me who probably understands emotions more than anyone. How did I even get here?!
Anyway, the point is, we all need a "someone" who tells things as it is. You know, the truth and nothing but the truth. Is there such a person in this world? I can only wish that he or she exists out there somewhere. Haiz.
Anyway, you would have to excuse me now. I need to get back to my sad songs and shed more tears. Yes, I am in "that" day today.

Life is sweet! :)

A couple of months ago I was talking to a good friend and she told me that she had a crush on someone she just spoke to in Facebook. My first question, "Have you ever seen him in real life?" And she said, "How and why does it even matter?" To which I replied," It doesn't as long as you know to which extent can the crush develop to". She said she regretted asking me. Well, I don't blame her. I mean, I am all fairytale but I do have a dose of reality in me. And it has come to my attention that that dose of reality is not something that people see in me. I don't know whether I have portrayed too much of a fairy tale like image and now I should be a lil worried that whatever I say will not be taken serious for or I should not. I mean, I think living by what people assume of you is utter ridiculousness so ya.
Anyway, fairytale or not, i am happy. There has come a point in my life now that I truly worship happiness and all that it brings. It is at that moment when I wake up in the morning and I see 2 happy faces waiting to give me my morning kiss or this midnight that the whole house is fast asleep and yet I feel so safe and secure that makes this entire life worth living. I never for once took my family for granted but the entire degree of love and understanding and care has been heightened in a way I never thought was possible.
A wise person once told me that no matter where I go in life or what I do, I have to always remember the name and reputation that I carry. I did not understand him then, but I do now. Life is sweet amidst all these hurricanes and storms and I kinda like it. :)

Bidding farewell to May and Welcoming June with open arms. :)

Happy June everyone! Can you believe that 5 whole months have passed us? I am still gasping trying to digest the fact that there is only 6 months left till the end of the year rolls in. So, will the world end by December? Let's just not go there, shall we? I need to live a little longer. I mean, I am only 21! I still have a long way to go! And so yes, I am praying so that the world does not end.
Anyway, how was May? Well, I like reflecting and all, but there is seriously nothing much to say about May. It was one of my best months and at the same time, it was hell at different levels. So ya, I am a lil confused as to how I shall conclude my month.
But, you know me. I am a positive person so I think I will take the negatives with an open heart and well, after all, everything happens for a reason right?
The best part about June, and I am really excited for this is that it marks a year since I turned into a vegetarian! It was an at the spur thing that happened and I am so proud of myself. So yes, you can expect lotsa smiles on the June 14th. I am really excited! I mean, this is a decision I made by myself and it definitely has not been easy trying to stand up for things you believe in.
With that, I am also looking forward to a month full of love. I am dedicating the month to those that are close to me. I am going to give out extra love and hold people closer to my heart. I want to be there for people as much as I can. I know that it does sound impossible but ya, you know me. I think you gotta aim high!
Anyway, June sounds good. So, Hello my dear June. Be nice to me k. :)