Screaming is good. Really. When you scream you release all your anger and frustration and all. I mean, apart from crying la that is. So you know what I did? I screamed into my pillow, trying as hard as I can not to make that much noise. It was quite impossible you see but thank God that my room mate was not here or else she might have just fainted. So ya.
Anyway, point is I screamed and though the level of frustration has decreased, it is now replaced with this feeling that I can't quite put into words. I just feel very not me. I feel blue perhaps? Close to that at least.
I just got back to college today and I was looking forward to the new semester and all. But it just does not feel like IPBA anymore. I know that is quite of an impossible way to describe IPBA. I am now in a new apartment with new housemates and things has just changed so much. I am supposed to have my exam results slip in my hand by now. That is how it used to be. Results on the very first day. And now it will take at least another 3 to 4 days. Mind you, it is not that I am dieing to know what I got and all. I am far from that. It is just that I do not like having any debts from last sem brought into this one. It is supposed to be a fresh start.
And speaking of that, the lecturers have found a new way to make us sign up for tutorials. In a piece of paper in which we had to number our options based on our preference level. So it is no more fighting and pushing around to sign up. Is this better? Will leave that to you to answer.
And being back in IPBA also means having to struggle with the food here. It is going to take me a very long while to adjust, that I am sure of.
It is very unlike me to have all these pessimistic thoughts on the very first day of a new semester. I am usually bright eyed and excited with everything. But, I now find myself questioning the very reason as to why I am here. I lay in bed thinking how different life would have been if I did follow my dreams. I mean, I am happy, don't get me wrong. Despite being in a profession that I never thought in a million years I would be, I am genuinely happy. I like my field. I just don't like what it is taking me to get there.
Day one has not been a good one for me emotionally. I need to get my feelings sorted out. I know that if I don't I would end up suffering for the rest of the sem and that is not something that I want. I am struggling here but I am trying. I give myself credit for that.