Wednesday, August 29, 2012

August 30- Memories, Love, Maturity!

I'll wait even if it means waiting forever
I'll write even if it means running out of words
I'll never give up even if it means trying again and again
I'll just put on a strong face, shake off the hurt, wipe away the tears, and put a foot forward with confidence.
I believe in this and I'm not giving up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

That was me a year ago. Who am I today? My heart will tell you better stories of that. If there is one thing that I can tell you about me, I am stubborn. I am very stubborn. Once I believe in something, I will never give up on it. I will never listen to those around me. Hell yeah, I won''t even listen to myself.
Well, it hurts to be so, I learnt that the hard way. A year ago I was a girl who listened to her heart, ignoring to the whispers of her brains. I didn't know what I was doing is an understatement. I knew. I perfectly knew. I just chose to ignore it. I chose to not be wise, to not be sane, to not be matured, to just not think. I live in a fairy tale world after all and in that world, anything is possible right?
Well, kinda. A year later, I still live in a fairy tale world. I still believe in prince charmings and I swear if you ever tried telling me otherwise, you would be scared, deeply!
Anyway, I am not saying that it doesn't hurt. It does. I mean, reading things that you wrote a year ago for someone you thought was special and yet things didn't work out, will always hurt. But the funny thing is, even in that hurt I don't feel the same way anymore. Seriously, can't believe all that I put myself into. Now it is just a memory that I will carry to my graves and I don't regret it. After all, everything happens for a reason right?
So yes, I am 21. I am single. I have never been in a relationship before. I have met Mr. Jerk, Mr. Flirt, Mr. Took-me-for-granted, you name it. I never fell in love sanely, that's for sure. Had a few crushes here and there. Had a few that I really liked. And had one that I thought I really fell for. Oh, how wrong was I!
Guess this is what happens when you believe in LOVE too much kan?
Anyway dear readers, today, on August 30th, I dare say that I am a new me and I am so proud of it! Let's toast to that!

Ps: Dear prince charming, wherever you are, trust me, when you come for me, you got a hell a lot of sweeping me off my feet to do!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Stop! You are hurting me! Bullying and all that! :)

Hello people of my virtual world. A huge hug from me to you. That hug is for those who feel that the world is picking on them and those that you know, just feel a little low and down today. Hopefully it cheers you up and reminds you that I am always here for you people. Anything at all. Besides, I love listening when someone talks, you can take me up on that, anytime of the day.
Today was a relatively good day. I know my emotions are a bit not stable right now due to all these thoughts pinned in my head, but I am trying to shake it off and concentrate on my assignments. God knows I am still so far behind and need to catch up with my fellow friends who have been submitting drafts ever since we returned to college. So yes, I am here to distress before returning back to my work.
An issue that is very personal to me is the issue of bullying. A very very long time ago,somewhere in my early teenage years, I was bullied. Along with many other things that has happened in my life, this issue remains buried deep down my soul. I have still not found the courage to talk about my story without tearing up. But, I know that the day will come in which I finally say it out with no tears and no regrets. After all, that is my life motto right? No regrets.
And speaking of bullying too, I just want to say this. If at all you are being bullied, in any form, sexual, verbal, physical, emotional and etc, it is not okay to keep quiet. Whatever that is happening, is not your fault. It will stop if you find the courage to speak out. There are people out there willing to help you out. If you can't speak to your parents, then speak to your teacher and if you cant speak to them, to any adult that you deem responsible enough. There is always an end to any problems, trust me.
Well my beautiful virtual friends, I think that is good enough of a quick post before returning to the real world, isn't it? Life is good, for now at least. Take care people! Love you lots! :)

Friday, August 24, 2012

You are just a girl and you can't do much.

Have you heard the age old saying, "She is just a girl"? Familiar? That one phrase that we say, not due to the fact that we are indeed a sexist, but because somehow deep down our minds, in a very subconscious way, we indeed find women inferior to men. I am born in a society that upholds women and at the same time puts it down. I don't blame my society for their backward thoughts but I blame us, the new generation for not doing much to change that perception. I was never a racist nor a sexist nor will I be one. But I am a person that puts her thoughts out there, unafraid of its consequences. 
We are all educated and yet we are not doing much to change how the world works in general. I believe that girls can do anything if we set our minds to it. We lead in so many forces and fields. We do what that a few centuries ago would have been frowned upon. Should we not be proud of ourselves girls?
But then again, why is there a certain group of us who still believe that we are inferior to our opposite sex. We would rather stay in an abusive relationship than walk. I do not know how many times I have said this. Relationships are supposed to keep us happy. And that happiness is not one that is embedded in slaps, punches or verbal slurs. Why is it that we fail to see that we can stand alone? I am not saying that we are not dependent to men. We are. The same way that men are dependent to us. I am merely stressing the fact that we as much as anyone deserve our love and affection. 
And if you look at it from another point of view, how many of us girls are allowed to chase our dreams, to mark our own presence in a world that is dominated by male chauvinism and ego? We are rarely appreciated for our intellectual thoughts. We are rarely seen as more than a little curve here and there covered in clothes. I have met several people myself that undress me with their eyes. My thoughts are not valued, and certainly my opinions do not count as much. Familiar? Yes, it still happens.
In this modernised world, we are allowed to step foot, to gain experience, to learn, to live, to survive along with men in all fields. However, to survive in that world, we need to have a heart that is too tough and a soul that never gives up. And that courage, sadly to say is not one that many have.
Like I said, I am not a sexist, never was one and never will be one. I am merely a 21 year old girl trying to stay sane in a society that can't seem to value me more than what that meets the eye. The phrase as I always hear, "You are just a girl and you can't do much". 
And my response has always been the same, "Watch me". 

Thursday, August 23, 2012

A little trust always goes a long way.

Never lie to those who trust us and never trust those who lie to us. Lies and deception. That is the topic of the day.
Why do we lie again? Because we would just love to see people happy than sad? Well, think again. I know that there is this whole twisted concept that there are times in life that you have to lie, especially if it involves the feelings of a person. You do know that, that is crap don't you? If there is one place and one thing in life you can never lie, manipulate or play with, then that is the feelings of a person, especially someone who has trusted you so much. 
It is really ironical how trust and lies are intertwined. We, in general lie to people who trust us, and why is that, I have no freaking idea. When a person trusts us so much, it is only fair that we give them the truth, nothing but the truth. No matter how hard it is to digest an ugly truth, trust me, a person that really cares and trusts you would rather hear that then any sort of comfy beautifully dressed lie. 
Remember this. A relationship, of any sort, that is build on lies, will never survive. After all, it takes only a second for the truth to be out and that truth would hurt more than anything especially if it was previously sugar coated in lies.
If you knew me on a personal level, you would know how much I like hearing to anything that you tell me. Yes, I consider myself to be a pretty good listener. But nothing can hurt me more than knowing that I am actually listening to a lie, especially when it is from someone that I care about and have trusted a lot. Maybe that is why I don't trust easily. But then again, maybe there is no one in this world that won't take my trust for granted. Hence, the real question here is, how do I trust when I am lied to? 

Monday, August 20, 2012

Shoes, Dates, Kids, Life-It is seriously an unproductive life!

Now that it is officially Monday, the holidays is getting to me. I feel like I have not done anything productive for the last week, except for going to school that is and catching up with the KL room mate in Klang. True. Life around her is just bliss because we both just know about one another so much that we tolerate each other's nonsense. Right. Sounds like an old married couple? Yihaa!
So, where was I again? Right. The unproductive me. So ya, I woke up in the morning, had my shower, walked around the house, refused to take in any breakfast, and then voila, just like that I ended up here. I'll tell you this, as long as I have a net connection, as long as that I would be unproductive. I need to get around the sorting out my shoes part. Mum has been yelling at me for a few days now to start arranging my shoes in a proper manner in my cupboard and I know that if I leave it for another day, she would personally kick out my shoes and hence gone my lovely collections. How many pairs do I have again? Well, trust me, you duwanna noe. 
So, that aside. I tried planning reunions and stuffs but hey, somehow nothing works out. And that does get on my nerves. I mean, it is the hols season and this is the time we, college students should be having get togethers with our school mates and stuffs kan? Neh. Apparently I am the only one who thinks so. So yeap, I gave up on that. 
And then comes the whole question of catching up with studies and finishing assignments and all. But don't you know me? I just can't work during the hols. It as though there is a chip embedded in me that is refusing me to look at any books or anything that is of that academic nature. Hence, my days are spent either lepak-ing with the ladies of the house, cuddling the children-which are getting heavier day by day and just on FB. And here. I mean, I love to write and I don't really care if anyone reads. As long as I do what I like and what that keeps me happy. 
Talking about the children, well, it is just amazing to wake up everyday next to Ruby and the morning kisses that Dino gives me. They love me spoiling them and I am having fun doing it. Mum is worried though. She says that she can't be sitting around feeding them by hand once I return to college. But hey, children means we have to feed them kan? Kan? Trust me, mum never argues with that concept of mine. 
And with that, life is actually pretty laid back though there is like a million things running in my head and heart. The usual. I am just having a positive spirit and believing that I can handle the next hurdle thrown my way. Not that I am not wishing that there won't be one. I really do. But, the warrior woman in me knows that life doesn't work that way. 
At least I had one date in the last week!
Right. And that would be the cue for me to shut up. You know that I can go on and one when the life topic comes up. I will save that for another day k folks? Have a great day ahead while I seriously go find something productive to do. And if you do see me in FB, chase me away k? Love you people! 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Worries and Doubts, Memories and Reminders.

Things are getting tough you know. Reality is finally sinking in. Worries and doubts, memories and reminders, the last 10 months seem so far away now. Never in a million years I would have imagined sitting here today feeling this way. But then again, never in a million years I would have thought I would get through this period either. So, it is finally here. Dealing with this right now is tough, very tough. Even if it is not me who is living it, I am the one with the worries, doubts, memories, and reminders.
Funny how I thought things would be so different. Funny how I believed in that too. I always say that when you believe, you can get anything done. You can get all that you ever wanted. I believed, whole-heartedly. I did and today, even that is gone. I now know that even with believe, you always get what you deserve to get not what you want, even if you think you deserve what you want. The next 2 weeks is probably going to be the toughest and later, even worse. Am I prepared?
I honestly have no idea. All that I know is that I don't want to sit here right now feeling this way. I want to just rip out my soul, place it in my jewellery box and hide the keys. At least for the next hour. Or at least till this emotions pass through and I stop thinking and feeling. Been a while since I sat this way. Been a while since it seemed real. Been a while since I reminisced.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Love with a love that is more than love itself. :)

"I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do, I will wait for you"

Yes, that is a line from Eliot Yamin's "Wait for you". I have had this song in my playlist forever and listening to it somehow always makes me feel all mushy and romantic on the inside. I know that it is the perfect song for those with a hole in their hearts. But somehow, this song also reminds us single girls what truly is LOVE. I know that I have been talking about Love and all that a lot recently. But hey, I am Miss Love and this topic will never bore me. 
I think I just found my spark back. A couple of weeks ago I sat in a huge dilemma questioning my own views on Love. I went through what I would call an identity crisis of my own, where this particular topic is concerned. I know that reading a new novel or watching a new movie or even listening to a fellow friends love story does that to me. I start looking back at my own life. I make mental lists and I analyse each and every character put forth. And just like that, I started on a novel a few weeks back and with that I made a few alterations to my own principle of LOVE. Even after finishing that particular novel, I just couldn't get a few things out of my mind. It was as though my entire notions and ideas about LOVE was being questioned. It is not overboard to say that I went on a journey to look for myself, my ideas and my principles on LOVE. 
So, where do I stand today? The same place I was a few years ago. I just can't help it. I love LOVE and I am in love with LOVE itself. People tell me all the time that I am as such due to the fact that I have never been in a relationship of this nature before in my life and as such do not know how it feels to get my heart broken. Well, I agree. But partially. I did get my heart broken. Just not this way. The thing is, I am a person who believes in LOVE so much because I grew up with those traditional fairytales and I lived through characters such as Cinderella, Rapunzel, Snow White and so on. So, I truly believe that there is a prince charming out there for each and every of us. 
But then again, I am pretty sane too. So yes, there is a prince charming for me. But I know that he is not perfect. He is not tall, dark and handsome. He is not the wealthiest one around with a big car and a big house and all the money in the world. He will not look at me as though I am the only girl around, the way the Prince did when he saw Cinderella. He will not cross mountains and climb walls just to see me, the way Rapunzel's Prince did. He will just be another guy in this world who will love me for who I am. He will see what millions of other guys missed, appreciating me, my inner beauty and my personality. He will wipe away my tears and look after me the way he can, not the way I want him to. He will do all that he can and when that time comes I will hold him dearly in my arms, heart and soul. I will fight. I will argue. I will get on his nerves and I will let him get on mine. But I will never let him go in a million years because I know how special LOVE is. So, when cupid strikes, I believe that it will strike forever.
That my dear girls, is what I call believing in LOVE. Love is not all that it is cracked up to be. It is not about the candlelight dinners, roses, and the I LOVE YOU messages and utterance. Love is about being there for him and letting him be there for you, now and forever. 

Friday, August 17, 2012

People walk in and walk out. That is life.

There is a reason why people walk into your lives and a reason why they leave. This is a concept that I hold on to. I don't know why but recently, with things happening around me and the situations that I find myself in, I have come to believe in this statement. Truthfully and whole-heartedly.
Let's analyse it one at a time shall we? Why is it that someone that you did not know a few months ago suddenly becomes the person you run to? Someone to count on? Or so you believe? If you really look at it closely, there is no answer to that except for the fact that it is meant to be so. Am I confusing you? It is indeed a complex theory that I am fascinated with. A year ago someone who I thought would keep me very happy and was the centre of my universe now means a little to nothing to me. Was it due to situations that I had my thoughts changed? Or was it how I changed that my mind and heart did too?
I can never explain why there is such a complexity in our human relationships. But, this much I know. Everyone you meet, is meant to teach you something. Something you already know, or something new. We have to be humble enough to be able to see and learn from their thoughts, actions and words. Sometimes, the best lessons are the most painful ones or the most subtle ones. So, if someone new walks into your life, welcome them with open arms and if someone old leaves, let them go, with an open heart.

In between of a sneeze and a long nap, inspirations strikes!

Yes, I am sick. Not sick as if in I need to be hospitalised kinda sick but sick as if in I am parked in my bed with a big box of tissue and I can't stop sneezing. Thank God the cough hasn't started. That just irks me. But having this headache and runny nose isn't all nice you know. Ya ya ya. Should go see the doctor and stuffs but I think my immune system is pretty good enough to recover itself that no, I am not going to the doctor. I love him but I seriously don't like taking meds, makes me feel so vulnerable and all that. 
Today was very tiring and that partially adds to this sickness. Been out since 7 in the morning and just returned. Was it worth it? Hmmmmmmm. Trust me, you don't want me to get started on that!
So, let me just rant before I go crash for good. I'm already partially in lala land right now.
Let me tell you why we should not ever depend on people for our own happiness. Pretty random huh? 
Well, people are never going to be there for you forever. Sure, they say it. But that is an illusion. You think you know who are being truthful to you and who are not. Truth is, you don't and no one is. Life is meant to be lived dependent on yourself. Only you are responsible of your actions and your happiness. Never ever depend on someone else to put a smile on your face. That is danger, in neon green flashing lights! You don't need anyone else. You need yourself! Seriously!
Instead of finding someone to love you, start loving yourself, flaws and all. Instead of leaning on someone else when thing get rough, lean on yourself. Find that inner courage and hold on to it. And instead of hugging someone else and crying, try crossing your arms around yourself, hold yourself tight and cry. I know that this could sound ridiculous, but hey, it does work! 
So, conclusion is, no one cares about you, apart from family that is and close friends. But that doesn't mean that they are going to care forever. So, stop depending on people and start looking at yourself in a whole new light. As impossible as it sounds, you may think that you are weak, but in reality, you are not. Don't be afraid to be whoever that you wanna be. You only got one life. Make it worth it! 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

When your "Once upon a time" does not end with "Happily ever after".

"Sometimes I wish I had all that I ever wished for"
Familiar? That is us. You and me. And her and him. We all have regrets, don't we? Every little lie that ever left our mouths, every heart that we broke, and every time we let our hearts open a little. The biggest fear that us humans have is to get our hearts broken. And that fear my friend, is not one that can be cured.
I rose today to find a beautiful comment left in my blog inbox. It was anonymous and I have no idea who it is. But what she said did make sense. In a way at least.
Why is it that we fail to open up our hearts after getting it broken? Or do we? Truth is, we do not fear pain, we do not fear rejection. We fear the future. The future, tomorrow, the day after, a month from now, a year from now. It is the future that we fear. What if someone who promised to be there forever leave? Or what if love does run out?
My dear sister, as much as I write on love and believe in it, I too have got my heart broken. Not in the very traditional way, but I did. The term I believe is "unrequited love". It hurt. Real bad. And today, I have not found the courage to love another human the way they deserve to be. I am sure that, that is the case with you too. But the difference here is that I believed in love and I still do.
You can never control the future. It happens. And most of the times, it isn't all sunshiny. Love is like that too. One bad experience is enough to shun us away from love and that my friend, is wrong. Love is perfect. Humans are not. We make mistakes, and we have to move on from that. In love, you have to open up your hearts but place it with a shield. Am I making any sense here?
It is hard for me to write with a clear and conscience mind because all that you said is one that I have feared as well. But let me tell you this, you cannot force a person to love you. And you cannot force yourself to love another. You can walk around with a big lock in your heart but when someone tries picking on that lock, you have to let them to. Life, as I always say is very short. You can choose to live in the bitterness of a previous relationship or you can choose to put a band aid on that wound and start all over. I know, the first sounds way easier doesn't it? But that isn't the solution.
Take it this way. I said this once to a friend who was going through the same. The game Love works this way. Imagine a big pond full of fishes. And just because you caught one and wanted to eat it so badly, yet had to let it go because it bit your finger, it doesn't mean that if you tried again you won't catch another fish. So, put a band aid on the wound and throw the fishing rod again. And what if the entire event happens again? What if another fish bit your finger? Well, let it go again. Put a band aid again and throw the rod again. So what if you have to do it a million times? It only makes the final catch so much more worth it doesn't it?
So to you who asked me why we do not love after having our hearts broken, the answer is that we want to. We really really want to but we are afraid of the future. We are afraid of things repeating itself when in reality even a child knows that lighting doesn't strike the same place twice. If you really believe in love, open up your heart but put a shield over it. The one who deserves your heart will find a way to break through that shield.  You gotta believe me on that. Trust me, he exists. Out there somewhere. Don't go looking for him and yet don't put a barrier that wouldn't let him find you. I say, open up your heart a little, and let him find you. Darl, you deserve that much!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The 3 C's- Chaos, Children, Cuteness-overloaded!

Yihaa people! Wassup? How has the last 3 days of your life been like? Well, it is exactly 3 days since I last wrote and life has changed for me. In a very very non-dramatic kinda manner. I mean, at least I have new visions of the teaching world.
Yeap, my whole journey in this school has left me a little breathless. I mean, it is not like I have this sudden major philosophical belief nor am I overwhelmed in total. I just went through what I would call a "personal" alteration to the attitude.
One of the main things that I have learnt is to never let myself go. To never let anything ever change how cheery I am in the mornings. The first thing I realised was how moody the teachers were. Don't get me wrong. They were nice. They just weren't very nice early in the mornings, especially on Monday morning in which we were ignored and looked at as as though we were terrorists wanting to take over the school. Dramatic much? Oh trust me darls, that is what that happened! So yes, a personal oath has been made. I promise myself to never forget to smile to the students and other teachers in the mornings no matter how sleepy I feel. I am so not letting the morning cheeriness go! That is a part of me!
And talking about being nice and all, I realised that I still haven't got the "strictness" button in me yet. I just couldn't scream or shout at those tiny ones, no matter how much they got out of hand. I just couldn't. I seriously gotta find a way to get that embedded in me. A fellow close friend was telling me yesterday how she shouted at a few students because they were talking in the exam hall. I was so shocked! I mean, I never in a million years would have imagined her to be strict but she did what she was supposed to do and I am proud of her. But then again, me? Well, I never believed in teaching people while they feared you. That is just wrong. So, I still can't seem to get it in me that it is okay to scold your students at times. Yeap, gotta work on that.
I learnt a lot, that I am sure of. But, there is just so much that I can share and some parts of it will remain in me forever. You all know how I don't shut up once I start talking kan? Duwanna bore you in this beautiful Wednesday night! So, have a good night folks while I start on my next piece. Love you people a lot!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Looking for Love?

Why do people fall in love? "To be happy". Alright good, there's an answer. "Coz they wanna have someone to lean on" "No, it's coz they just wanna show off". That was me asking those questions a few years ago and some of the answers I remember hearing. I have ever since always asked that particular question and the answers I received have not changed much over the years.
LOVE. The big L word. What is LOVE really and how on earth do we know we are in LOVE? Pretty sane question for a Sunday kan? The reason I am writing on LOVE is because well, i am Miss Love after all and it has been quite some time since I went anywhere near this particular topic. The reason? Well, I seem to be questioning all my fairytale believes recently and even I know that writing when I am not sane could very well mean that I am digging my own grave.
I have always been fascinated with LOVE. The whole concept of falling head over heels for someone, doing things you never imagined you would in a million years and of course, rush of emotions that people swear is so worth it. But being fascinated with the joy of LOVE also means being cautious with the pain of it. And that my friend is the reason why most single people choose to remain single for a long long time. I have had friends who worked themselves outta one failing relationship to only fall into another one. This people, in my most humble opinion could not really be blamed. They just wanted to get things right. They wanted to score in areas that they failed. I know that this does not sound too romantic but hey, really. Think of it.
So LOVE after all is not about ROMANCE? Hmmm. Partially. Love to me means being there for someone through it all. Through hell and through heaven. It means giving without expecting anything in return. It means having someone to look after. Love means being selfless.
And that LOVE is not one that you find. It finds for you. If you are not ready to give, then don't gear up to ask. It is a fairly simple policy, really. We are so occupied in asking without knowing that we don't deserve to be granted the magic to love and be loved in returned. So the first step towards finding your respective prince and princesses, stop asking. Start giving. And well, the rest as they say, will happen by itself. Life does not revolve just around you and sure as hell Love doesn't too.

Detoxing and all that. :)

And hence the detox period has started baby! Yeap, I was so high last week that I said and did stuffs that was so not me. Trust me, my mangsa's would tell you amazing, eye-ball wrenching out stories of that. But hey, life is just so freaking short right? So, nope, no regrets. Anyway, talking about being high, just so that none of my relatives or dad's friends or mum's people see this and automatically assume that I was high on alcohol or drugs, lemme clear the air. I was high on COFFEE! Yeap, I don't know why but I get high on coffee! I feel this adrenaline rush, heart starts pumping really fast, a tiny swing of light-headedness...the whole package. I was stressed out last week that I depended on pain meds and coffee to keep me sane. Nope, I am not proud of what I did and I humbly take ownership of any damages done throughout that period of being insane, not that I can think of any right now, but ya.
Anyway, it is the next phase of S.B.E on Monday. I am stepping into SK Simpang Lima 1 and I have no idea what to expect. I have been to schools and each experience has left me with a little bit more passion towards the entire teaching profession so I am definitely looking forward to meeting and chatting with the little ones. But knowing myself really well, I know that going with no expectation whatsoever is the best. So nope, I am just gonna keep my mind clear and walk in with all the confidence in the world even if I have a million butterflies mating in my tummy on Monday morning.
And speaking about butterflies, I have a very important issue to be brought up which will be discussed in the next post. You know what butterflies are significant for don't you? Yeap, the big L word. So, wait for it k? And with that, lotsa love, hugs and kisses from me. Happy SBE folks!

Ps: I definitely miss this carefree way of writing. Gotta seriously keep this spark!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Choosing to be strong of soul, rather than of body.

I have no idea where my life is heading to. Yeap, I said it, again. No, I am not high on coffee. This time i am just in a ultra super pms mode. Yes, the emotions are not stable right now so don't mess with me. One thing that I am very sure of is that I am growing up in a world that is constantly getting on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I seriously love my life no matter how crazy it is. But there are times in all my positiveness and cheery attitude that I just give up. I crumble. I put myself in a foetal position and cry. I hug myself to sleep with a tear trickling marking its way down to my cheeks. Life is not easy. And being through the things I have, I deserve to cry. I am not weak. I am just human after all.
There is just so much in my heart and soul that I could only wish I found a way to let it out. I know that things happen, that life moves forward, but memories have a way of haunting us, doesn't it? Sometimes I wish I woke up to be a new person that doesn't remember the last two years of her life. But living that life will be a swell of emotions for those around me. I should know. Been there. Done that.
Someone told me the other day that they envy me. Me, with my wide smile, loud expressive voice and the light-hearted way in which I took life. She told me that I was living the 21 year old life. That I was living the life she wanted. I admit, I smiled at her and said, 'you have no idea'. But deep down my heart, I commanded myself for picking myself up and moving forward. For never failing to believe in myself. I, and I insist only I know the pain of doing that.
I am not exaggerating and this post is not a sympathy call. I am merely reinforcing one of my principles on judgements. Every one of us have our own stories, our own pain. A pain that no one else would know of or understand for that matter. A pain that remind us of how strong we actually are. You don't know my story and I don't know yours. So, the next time you decide to judge someone, remember this. Emotionally she might be done. Mentally, she might be drained. Spiritually, she might be dead but physically she still smiles. She is just like you. Just trying to be the best that she can be.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Adrenaline rush!

Adrenaline rush. That is how I would describe my emotions right now. I am currently sitting in the midst of papers all over the place, colourful highlighters on my pillow and a bottle of water nearby. But none of this seem to be able to take away this adrenaline rush that I am feeling right here in my heart and soul. No worries, I am not in love. I have just had another cup of coffee and that adds to the 2 I had today. Yeap, 3 cups of coffee in less than 20 hours and I am undeniably high. I have no idea how to brush off this feelings so I am here tapping on my laptop. I need to calm my nerves, that I am sure of. Next to being worried and scared of the test tomorrow, this rush of emotions is not one that I need right now.
I can literally feel my heart pumping so fast and I can definitely hear my own heart beat. Yeap, it is that bad! I kinda sorta like this though, it is a whole new place that I am in. I know that I am a recovering coffee addict and taking 3 cups a day is going to be a habit that is not easy to be left behind. I have been there and I came out the very hard way but hey, if you are as stressed as I am, trust me, you would think of being high too. And the best part of all is that I get high on coffee. The rich, dark, seductive taste of coffee. Yes, I would not trade this addiction for anything in the world!

Monday, August 6, 2012

-Let me just rant-

Okay. I am very angry. I am very stressful. I am trying to keep myself sane here. I am honestly not loving myself right now. Okay, that was too big of a word kan? I always love myself! Okay, maybe I still do. It's just that I feel so tensed and that is causing my heart to beat so much faster than usual. I feel my temper rising to a boiling point in which im pretty sure if the one responsible for me being like this was right here, they would have gotten a very intense dump outta the window. And ya, before you ask, no, im not pms-ing! I am just stressing! So, allow me to rant, vent and stress!
I am not proud of myself right now, that I am sure of! Seriously, maybe I should after all join a yoga class kan? Okay, I am adding that to my list of things to do!
Alright, so now, how the hell do I calm the nerves? Nope, no freaking idea! Shit, now I feel like crying! Damn la! Damn! I so know that I am gonna regret this post the first thing in the morning, but hey, right now, I know that I have gotta write to get it outta me! So, bare with me folks, if you have made it this far la.
So, ya, you know what's the thing with me? I can never say no. So end up, I will be the one suffering! Great kan? So me! Since young till now!
Okay, hang on, scratch that, maybe I should not say that. Not since young.
It's since I grew up! Since I decided to be the nice one that never lost her temper like how she did when she was a teen! Ya, since then!
So, where is the freaking time machine again? Gotta seriously climb on it and revert to the old me!!!!!!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

It is time to live, to truly live! :)

Good afternoon people of the virtual world! On this beautiful Sunday, while I sit here and struggle with my EDU assignment, let me tell you something that you should know. Life is just too damn short! Yeap, talking about death again, but this time, to make you people realise how beautiful life could be. I had a friend confess to me recently that suicide was an option for her when things started turning rough in her life. After a earful of bombards I started thinking and I thought really, I couldn't blame her for having such thoughts. She was human after all and we humans would rather run then stay and fight right? God knows that I have been through worse than that and yet I am here pretty much alive with a rocking attitude. The reason is simple. I do not take life seriously. I think that it is good enough that I am alive today, breathing in love, comfort and care that if let's say I were to go tomorrow, I would gladly do so. True, got tons of things left to do. Buckets of ambitions and wishes and dreams that I would love to conquer. Amazing places that I would like to visit and random things that I would like to do. And not forgetting the beautiful feelings I would love to have. But hey, honestly, this whole life that we are in is just so so short. I can still remember being 5 and making a promise to my then best friend that we would stay together no matter what happened and no matter how much we grew up. Well, where is she now? I have no freaking idea. So, the conclusion is, don't make promises. Don't get tied up in the intricacies of everyday living that you forget to live itself. Do things your way and never ever compromise on yourself. Remember, you as much as anyone else out there deserve your own love and affection. So hug yourself tight and take baby steps to move away from worries and sorrows. It is time to live people, to truly live!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The big "S" word!

Nope, I am not talking about that S word. I am talking about the other one. You know the one where you actually feel like pulling out all your gorgeous locks, while at the same time clenching your jaw and swallowing your thoughts? Yeap, the big STRESS word! Beware folks, Raevarthy is stressed! And we all know it is not a good thing when that happens! In the last 12 hours, I have felt this intensifying urge to scream at the top of my voice at certain people and yet all that I have done is smile and nod. You see how that is so not me? I am the kinda person who puts her thoughts out there, for good or for worse, never worrying much, not judgemental on the reaction of the other party and definitely way open to feedbacks and criticism. However, the absolute one thing that I hate is when people put me down. I hate that more than anything in this whole wide world, even more than when people lie to me, though that definitely takes the second top spot! The point is, I know myself enough to know that I am capable to get my work done within the time given and in that produce a decent piece of work. I am not perfect but I am perfectly eager to learn and rectify my mistakes. However, I cannot, and I repeat cannot learn in a surrounding that is placing me at the lowest of the lowest. I don't believe in that type of learning and certainly I have took up an oath to never be the teacher that does that too. Hence, it is taking all that I have in me to control my temper and anger that is threatening to flame out, burning down everything in sight. I am fully aware of the repercussions if that ever happens and no, it is not one that I like. So, instead I am taking in a deep breath, flooding my thoughts with images that brings peace while slowly lowering my temper level. Honestly, with all that I am going through right now, I really need to start taking yoga lessons! But hey, it is just for another 2 years right? So what the hell? I'll just lower down the attitude a lil. After all, being a teacher means being able to put on masks kan?