Friday, September 27, 2013

A better, bolder self. :)

Woke up to a beautiful morning today with way better thoughts and feelings. That is definitely due to the fact that I am around people who love me and who I love. So yes, who you are with at every moment of your life makes a big difference in your happiness. I am in a much better state compared to when I wrote last and I am definitely grateful for that. However, there is this tiny part in me that fears how the next few weeks would be like. But, like they say, let's leave the future unknown and concentrate on the present.
Today I would like to talk to you about the self and it's need to be accepted. The self as how I would define it, is completely unattached to our physical being. My argument being that when we leave Earth for another realm, we do not take our physical being with us. The self is made up of our thoughts, feelings and emotions. I don't know about you but understanding my "self" is proving to be tougher than what I initially anticipated it to be like.
The need to be accepted and loved is something we all experience, even if we do not want to. I would say that this is where our control of our self is important and yet as much as we try we fail, to an extent. There will always be a handful of people or one very special person to whom we want to experience love and acceptance. Of course many of us fall into the trap of wanting it in a bigger scale that when we don't, life just seems like one big black hole. I think the problem with us humans is that nothing is enough for us. We want more and that could prove to be a big problem indeed.
How do you tell yourself that it is okay to live with no company at all? Why is it that physical touch and emotional bonding means the world to me? Someone told me yesterday that the only way to be happy is to never have feelings. That kinda made sense to me but definitely not something I would uphold. I choose to treasure every memory that I have with the people around me and I choose to love everyone that I meet along the way. Of course, with that love, I am getting scarred.
My need of acceptance I think purely comes from the basis of wanting to be accepted for who I am. This really really complex being with a very simple philosophy in life. I want people to be able to see what I do in them and to respect and love me for that just as how I do it in return. That is a problem i would say. I won't lie to you and say that it does not hurt when I do not get what I gave in return. I am working on that. On fixing that aspect of me. The day will come in which I will never expect. I will give and it wouldn't hurt when people try to hurt me. And on that day, you will see me smile the biggest smile ever. I am hopeful.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Of the analogy of a leaf, happiness, and moving on.

Imagine this. A leaf that is floating down a river, not knowing where it's going, trusting the flow of current and wishing so badly that it is still intact to its roots. A slight shift of wave and it quivers, panics, holds on tight to whatever that is nearby and in that moment, a sort of blankness overpowers the atmosphere touching lightly on its conscience, reminding it, that after all, it is just a leaf.
If you made it through that paragraph without wondering what on earth I am talking about, then I thank you. You just got a glimpse of how I feel right now. I am that leaf and the waves are just too strong. It has taken me a very long time to write this. Too many wasted drafts and unshed tears later, I am here now. I have taken an oath not to let circumstances, people and situations change the way I think or feel and yet the past few weeks have been a constant struggle.
If there is one thing I can tell you for sure, relationships are tough. You get too emotionally attached to people and when suddenly you are thrown in a deep end, everything starts hurting. It is really so funny how fast life can change and how much life can rob you off your happiness. I am not saying that I am unhappy. I am happy, very much indeed but the little snippets of my life and tiny memories are forcing me to think otherwise. It's like a tunnel of thoughts that is haunting me trying to take away my joy.
I do not like the fact that I am penning this down but without doing so, I know I won't be able to move on and the way I feel right now is not something I like. I am not proud to admit that I have let negativity overshadow me but I am learning, and it might be a slow process but I am getting there. I am wishing for some sort of magic to just be dusted on me that I wake up from this torturous dream to be the person I was a few weeks back. Yet, I know I must find that magic within me. May I be blessed with the serenity to accept that which I cannot change and to embrace my individuality enough that I do not let situations and difficult people hold me back. Honestly, may I be blessed enough.