Wednesday, March 30, 2011

So not me!

YEAY! I'm back in Blogger! It feels awesomely good to be back n i have been having a fantastic few days! Ok, fine, that was a lie. In fact, I had never been a good lier. So, the truth is I have been having a few "lonely" days. You know, the days when nothing ever goes right and yet you can't find anything to complain about? Well, maybe I am so ungrateful after all. I had a fabulous S.B.E experience which made me fall madly in love with children, i survived my cruel B.I.G, and I had a lot of fun going out to hunt for food with Bagya. So, what's the fuss about life? Well, I don't know. I feel like my soul is not at peace. Its as though I stole a banana from a starving monkey( which i will never do, btw,) and now feel bad for it. Except, the banana is not real and neither is the monkey. Get me? I know. I just have a way of making things get so complicated. Please allow me to explain.
I feel as though I am giving up on myself and if you know me, you know that I love myself so much which makes me almost like a steel. No harsh words can crush me, an no cruel remarks can hurt me, or so i thought. But lately, I feel as though nothing I do is ever good enough. Sometimes, I wonder when I'd be free from trying to please everyone. I'm so tired of being the "good' girl. Sometimes, i want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to do things I want and I just want to act plain stupid. But, my inhibitions are killing me. And frankly, I'm lost. Like a child that got lost in the supermarket. Thats how I feel.
I have no where to turn to, no one to talk too and it's killing me because this is so not me. Help me, GOD!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Being a mum...:)

So its no secret now that I am a proud mum of 2 wonderful kids ( a 4 year old poodle and a 3 year old shih-tzu cross). They are the reason I breathe in each day with a positive note. When I hit rock bottom, they are always there to push me up( with cute little barks). Anyway, the one thing I really enjoy doing as a mum is going grocery shopping with my own mum. Its really fun comparing prices and picking out fresh food and of course planning their meals for the week( i cannot believe i just said that, makes me sound like im a 30 year old right?) But, honestly, when kids my age are out there having fun, im at home spending quality time with my family and im very proud of it.
So, anyway, being a mum is tough but it's worth every moment and every second of the day. I'm happy and very grateful that i have the both of them. I know they don't judge me and I know they love me with all they have. N i would gladly give my life away for them. I will never hesitate. Now and forever.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Just for u, Bagya.

Fuh! Wat a day I had! It has been a very long time since I had last laughed that much! Being roommates with someone that you can totally be yourself is truly fun. We talk about the most random stuffs in the world! We laugh at odd hours. We be ourselves around one another! No hidden feelings. And today I celebrated my pre-BIG trip at Bangsar's Anandha Bavan with her. OMG! The food was amazing, im not joking! Me being the princess that I am did not even know the place existed so near to us. But, hey, life is all about learning right. So, I may be a slow learner but I'm definitely learning. And, you can't complain when you have great teachers. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart Bagya. When you read this, I will be away for the damn BIG trip. And of course I wont be able to see you for the next 2 weeks. So, I don't think you would miss me as much as I did miss you when you were away. Just remember that, no matter what happens, you are so strong that you can move mountains if you belief in yourself! I'm sure you will do well in your literature presentation. So, quit worrying k. And yes, if you see small boy around, make sure you stop for a second and imagine me laughing. Coz, thats exactly what I always do. And do update me on whats going on here in college. Will definitely look forward to ur msg. Remember, u r strong when u think you are not. Me <3>

Sunday, March 6, 2011

-When your heart doesn't listen to your mind.-

I'm sitting here thinking of all the lives that were cruelly wiped away from this earth. And all of a sudden my life seems to be something so precious and something worth being proud of. I know I have grown up to be someone I never wanted to be. I also know that the life I'm currently leading is far from the life I've always imagined myself in. I guess its true then. Mr. Fate does exist. I have all this unanswered questions in myself that I'm tired of seeking answers.

I know that I have had quite of a 'memorable" half a month. I fell too hard, too fast. I imagined a future with someone I barely know. I thought that I finally found my "the one". Isn't it funny how GOD reminds you to step back in reality? I know he did that to me. God loves me. He does. Honestly! If he did not love me, he would have let me go a long time ago. I would have been broken, scared, and wounded. All in my heart. And I know that he loves me enough to want to watch over me at all times. I may not have someone's arms around me, comforting me when im low. I may not have someone to tell me they love me every second of the day, just like I watch many people around me do. But, you know what, I don't need all that. I'm doing just good without it. So, why change that right? It's hard for me to let go of something I have cherished. However, I hope I'm doing the right thing. After all, why try too hard if the signs are not on my side right? I tried, honestly I did. I went for what my heart desired. But, I guess its not the life I deserve. Maybe I deserve better. Who knows.

To be in love is to hand someone a shot gun pointed to your head and trusting them to never pull the trigger. I'm not sorry that I'm not ready to trust anyone. After all, prince charming's still exist. Somewhere, somehow. My prince is not here yet. But, he will arrive one day. So, what's the point of scratching my heart while waiting. I'd rather give a pure, untouched heart away, just like I hope I would receive from the other end.
The wait is long, but I will survive. Somehow, that is.

Ps: I have tried so hard to put into words how I really feel. This is barely the surface of what lies underneath my heart. Now, I hope I can let go and step back into reality. Its tough. Honestly, it is.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Upset and hurt.

Sometimes we treat people according to our mood. Have you brushed your anger off to an innocent soul just because you were too tensed? Have you cried in front of a stranger because you could not keep it in any longer? Have you smiled and acted hyper around your friends for no reason rather than the fact that someone made your day? I’ve done all those. Looking back at it now I know that humans find it so hard to keep any feelings be it joy, sadness, nor anger in them. Somehow we have to release it right? But let me tell you something, no one deserves the anger you throw at them nor the lack of attention you show. I’m a person too. I hope you can see that beyond the way I look coz I know I don’t look like J.Lo. But, I look like a human, don’t I? I have feelings too. I may be timid and quiet but that’s the way I am. I scream for nonsense stuffs, I get hyper and speak loudly at times, I cry for no reasons, I smile at strangers-only the ones that look friendly, I take rash decisions which I eventually will regret, I am scared of practically everything in the world, I depend too much on people, and I breathe everyday as any other human! So, behind this glasses (or lenses) is a girl with a very good heart. Don’t judge me for the way I look!

Ps: I felt very hurt today but you will never know because you don’t feel what I feel.