I used to have this rule of not writing when I don't feel love or joy. And then I realised I wouldn't feel love or joy if I didn't write. Blogging is an easy thing. Anyone can just sign up and start writing and being an avid blogger for the last few years of my life, it is really funny how now when I open up a blank post, I am searching for words to type. I don't know whether it is me who has changed or it is the world who has changed me. Cliche? I feel so too.
There is so much I want to say and each word is like a sword to me right now. I need to find the right ones so that I don't swing my sword the wrong way. The topic of the day is humans and let's hope I stay sane throughout this post.
They say that life is not worth living if you did not have anyone by your side. What's the point of having all the wealth in the world if you did not have anyone to share it with? What's the point of living in a big house if the house is filled with nothing but silence? Heard that before? I am sure we all have listened to the argument of wealth versus relationships and we have picked sides. I have too. But putting all that aside, the comparison of wealth thrown away and I am left asking what is relationship after all?
We shall not talk about bonds that are made of blood. Let's talk about bonds that we create with other people. I consider myself a very tolerant person. I can bite my tongue back and take a deep breath and let things go. But if you push me to the brink, you will find me explode and boy, that is not a good sight. I hate being this way, that much I can say. But every day of my life now seems to be such a big struggle with difficult people that I am honestly at lost at how to just push everything aside and start fresh.
Guess its true then. Never ever trust, love or care too much? I wish I learnt that a little earlier. Have you ever felt trapped in your own emotions that you just want to sit in a corner and cry or just start punching everything you see? Have you ever wished you did not feel the way you feel? And have you ever just wanted to hide under your bed never to be found again? I know that I cannot change the way other people are. Their behaviours, personality or life. But I can change the way I deal with them. I just wish my conscience agreed with me a little on this and not put up such a tough fight. I wish I am not easily affected but I am. I wish I was as strong as people deem me to be. And really, I wish I did not write this.
I am holding on to the believe that I am a blessed person with so much in me that little petty issues such as this is nothing when compared to how magnificent I am. I am holding on to every ounce of courage I have in this matter and I am drawing strength from my own smiles and happiness. If there is something I want to tell the world today it is this:
That person you are smiling with in that photograph, he/she will change and he/she will walk away. Tough as it seems, unneeded as it feels, stop for a moment and ask your heart if he/she is worth fighting for. And please do me a favour will you? Please listen to your heart.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
If there is one truth that is hard to conceal, it is who we are and how far we have come. We all carry baggage of truth in us as we slowly live life adding more to that weight with every person we come across and every memory we build. We all carry stories, stories of us, stories of other people and mostly stories of who we wish one day to be. Today, I want to revisit a past memory and tell you a story from there. My wish for you is to take something from this, and never forget it.
The setting is Klang general hospital, year 2012, the men's ward. A young boy of about 22 lay motionless on the hospital bed. His eyes have a distant look and his face is naturally painted white. He is the hero of this story. If you look at him, you see all the reasons why hospitals can be nauseating to some. His face show you the pain of being there and his mannerisms easily spot that of one who has given up in life. Then when you slowly look down, away from the pained expression he has to offer, you see the reason why he is as such. He lost a leg in a terrible accident. Where there should be a limb, there are just bandages. At this point, you would look away, your heart will leap in shock and you will start thanking God for your own limbs. Honestly, how many of us really do that? You know, appreciate the limbs and parts of body that we have? None? Read on.
I met this boy in a very strange way. How I wouldn't want to tell, it is quite personal. But he was my friend for a solid one week and I learnt so much from him that if I had the chance to meet him back, I will do it in a heart beat. I don't know his name, I barely remember how he looks but I can still feel the joy in me that I had back then talking to him. Thanks to my quite good skills in making friends, we clicked. We were two different human beings, that's for sure. I struggled to speak in the language he did and he struggled to learn English words from me. But, there was something real in him. He understood life.
Today, I look at a bottle of Vaseline and I remember him. It's a sudden thought. A sudden flashback. The feelings are real though. Its a bottle of Vaseline that bonded us and today I have no idea where he is or how he is. I don't know whether his girlfriend did leave him after the accident just as how he feared or she stayed on, just as how I told him she would. I don't know whether he managed to find another job and is slowly climbing the ladder of success or he let his disability stand in the way, though I swear I know he wouldn't. There is so much that I don't know. And today, this bottle of Vaseline reminds me of that.
So, what's the point of me telling you this story? Well, here's the thing. Everyone you meet is never going to be there forever. People will move in and then out of your lives. Remember that. And also remember that regret can be a tough enemy. So, the ones that mean the world to you? Hold on to them. Never ever let time push away people from you. I am saying this today because I regret not going back to visit him, not having any contact with him or simply not remembering him. Now all I am left with are memories of a good friend that I made a long time ago in one of the most strangest place of all. And now, I regret this.