Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Memories, Love and Death. If only I had all the answers.

I look at the photo and was immediately hit by a pang of memories. Things that were, should be, and could have been. The voice that still rings in my head and the memories that cloud my conscience when I least expect them to. I close the photo tab on my lappy and instead stare at my teddy bear. And that flooded me with more memories. I would do anything to go back to last year. I would even gladly give up my life. I would do anything to turn time so that I had another day to say "I love you". I would relive all the embarrassment, the regret, the love that hurt, the heart broken times, the tears and all just to have more time with a person that meant the world to me.
What is life for if you have no idea where you are going? I have always been a person that took life a day at once. But today, I do not know where I am heading. There is no warning signals, no blinking lights and no echos. There is just emptiness for I have no one to turn to. How do you live with losing so many people and some times the same person for so many times? I am yet to unlock that mystery.
The door opens and in walks a friend. I look at her and can't help but think how much I am worth. Not only to her but to everyone. For the pain of losing someone is one that is excruciating.
If death took me tomorrow, would I be missed? Would there be a person that cried at the thought of not being able to see, or speak to me anymore? And if at all death visited, would I be worth death itself?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Not myself!

I have been in a moody, not myself position since yesterday and I find myself getting so irritated with everything and everybody. Although no saint, I know that my patience level is quite high. So, it has been bugging me that I am as such. I know that every one goes through such periods in their life where just about everything gets on their nerves but ya, I just don't like myself very much right now. So, I was sitting, moping around and it occurred to me that I never found the time to pen down all that make me who I am. Trust me, I love myself. So maybe, I should remind myself how special I am in order for me not to dislike myself to such an extent in which I am refusing to leave the house. Alright, so let's see. I will try penning down the stuffs that make me, me.

1) I am addicted to the smell of coffee. I have to smell my coffee first before sipping on it.

2) I can't sleep without hugging something. Whether it is a teddy bear, pillow, bolster or even a towel (something I had to hug since I din have anything else during a recent vacation), the point is I need to hug to fall asleep.

3) I am really picky when it comes to food. I hate bread, jam, cheese, etc. The list is really long, trust me.

4) I love the combination of sambar, rasam, tairu and rice that I can eat it every single day of the year and not get bored.

5) I seriously do not care about money and expensive things.

6) I love dogs more than humans. If I saw a homeless man and a homeless puppy together, chances are my heart would go out to the puppy first. Sorry people, humans can speak and animals can't. So, don't blame me.

7) I speak to people easily. Making friends have never been hard for me. But it takes ages, for me to trust someone.

8) I hate gold. As funny as it sounds, I honestly do not understand people that flood themselves with gold from head to toe.

9) I am a big fan of LOVE and ROMANCE.

And lets stop the list there coz well I am still out of mood and still very irritated. Sometimes, I think being born as guys are better than being born as a girl. :(

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Infidelity and all that.

I still do not know why I seem to be abandoning my blog nowadays despite having so much in me that I should probably let out. It is not very wise to mix feelings with thoughts or facts, and I have definitely learnt that the hard way. I guess with life, it is really rare that we feel appreciated or loved and so we resolve to doing things that we should not. But then, who comes out with all those rules in the very first place? Yeap, the answer is no one.
I was reading a novel the other day, one that I recently bought during a mega book sales. It takes hours for me to find a good book or anything for that matter because I believe that whatever it is that you are about to buy should speak to you. You should feel this inner need to own that particular book, shoes or piece of clothing. Yes, I know it seems a little insane, but ya, that's me.
Anyway, the author has beautifully carved out the art of deception, infidelity and lies in a way that even I thought it was okay to cheat on your husbands or wives. Yes, if you know me, you know that it is a big no no. I am the advocate of staying faithful in a relationship. I preach about being faithful and yes, somehow this particular story lifted something in me. I think it is called negligence in part of feelings.
I do not know whether it is right to cheat on your significant spouse or not. And I certainly have no rights to pick a side. But I think it is not right to stay in a relationship that hurts. Relationships are happy yes, but it also takes a lot of work. And yes, I do believe that love can't run out. It can only fade away. And it takes a lot to ignite passion back in any relationships.
So, was it right for the main characters of that particular novel to cheat on one another with someone else? No it wasn't. The way I see it. It is okay to fall in love with someone else when you are in a relationship. It happens. And that is prove that you do not value the particular relationship you are in. So, let it go. Let her or him go. Do not cheat on anyone in this world. If you want to pursue someone else, let the one you are with go first. It is simple. Deception and lies hurt only when the truth is out. But is living a life of lie worth it?
So to those that might have been cheated on, it is not worth it. He is not worth your tears and she definitely does not deserve all those waking moments you spend thinking of her. Being dumped is better than living a life of lies.
But then again, you never know who you might fall in love with. You can't pick love, can you?

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Best friends and all that...:)

Best friends. Who are they and where do they come from? I’m here today to tell you that I don’t believe that best friends come from god. Family comes from god, your spouse comes from god, children are gods gift as well. Relatives, far and near, these are all god’s presents. But friends are not. And most certainly best friends are not given by god. A best friend is a choice you make. A person that you trust enough to let into your life and whom you know would be there to pick up the pieces of your life even if all that’s left is nothing but dust. Okay, that might be a little too dramatic. So, let me lay it out in simple terms.
A best friend is someone that simply loves you for who you are. And that’s why there might be people in this world without a signifant other but there can never be a person without a friend. A best friend never judges, her or she puts up with your crap, big or small and just simply loves you. And no, its not easy to find such a person. But the thing is every one of us, have such a person in our life, its just that sometimes we don’t realize that they are special to us, til they are gone. And lonely is the soul without a best friend. No, it doesn’t mean that you need to know a person for years before they become your best friend. A best friend is conceived the moment a secret is shared and though the years may pull u apart, thoughts never will. And though you might meet tons of people in ur life, a best friend is just someone you may never forget despite the circumstances.
And so, you might be intrigued as to why im going on and on on the topic of best friends today, the answer is simple. I never had a best friend that stayed throughout the years. Sure, I can name you a few that were close to me at certain periods of my life. But the trick is that I have a habit of pushing peole away from my life whenever I hit rock bottom and the thing is no one bothered to break the walls that I put up. So, ya, I never had a best friend that stayed. I enjoy the company of many good friends but honestly, I have never been in such a relationship in which I felt so comfortable to speak out anything or to be totally crazy and not be judged for it. And in saying that, I should say this to, to all my close friends who are reading this, I am so thankful for the love you guys have given me throughout the years, and im sorry to whoever that I have pushed away. Trust me, the fault is mine.
So yes, I try building relationships with people, I try being there for them forever and just when I think everything is perfect, I just tend to lose them, even if I don’t want to push them away, they drift off. So ya, best friends are not god’s gift to us. Because if they were, they will never leave you would they? A best friend is someone you choose. And that’s omeone has to choose you back. Its kinda a romantic relationship, but it surpasses all that. This relationship is worth more than money, more than love and even more than GOD. And maybe that’s why I haven’t found such a person.
And to all of you that is reading this today, let me tell you this. Appreciate your best friend. Appreciate the person who has been there for you. Try not hurting them. Try wanting to be there back for them. And never ever let anyone or anything get in between ur relationship.
And after all that is said and done, trust me, all that I want is to go back to kindergarten in which the first person I saw, shook hands with me and told me, "Lets be best friends” . In today’s world I can honestly say that all of us need that. A random stranger to be our best friend! Because truth is, we all have been hurt a little too much, and we all hold secrets that we just wish no one would judge us for.

Monday, March 5, 2012

When time starts questioning me....

Do not under any circumstances abandon your blog! Okay. That's a line I seriously need to remember! I hate the fact that I have no time, and no energy to actually sit and write. I mean, writing has always kept me happy and I really need to be happy right now. I feel as though my entire life is running away from me. Imagine standing on a abandoned road, and watching all that you ever knew slowly drift away from you. It happens right? I guess what I really am saying is that I have never been the kind of girl who was afraid of the future. I have always lived life a day at once. But sometimes, I am scared of what the future might have for me. And even if I wanna abandon thoughts of the future, the present is actually quite scary.
I am 21 and that means I am matured enough to make my own decisions right? But the thing is, I am scared. Scared to make decisions. Scared of people more like it. I have lost a good dear friend to GOD and life has not been the same ever since. No one can take his place and no one can bring back all the happiness I had before he went. But ya. The thing is, I am scared of people. I have trust issues. I have this thing in me that says all that I know, all those that I care for, my friends would eventually leave me. If it's not death, then it's something else. And that's just something I don't like. I mean, can't we work in two ways here? Why don't relationships last forever? Honestly, I'm asking.
Don't give me the "nothing lasts forever in this world" dialogue coz honestly I am tired of hearing to that. I want things to go my way. I want to be bold and brave to live life the way I want to. With the people I want to. And yes, I don't want time to take away people I love from me.
Is that too much to ask for?

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I do not like being judged.

Okay. I know. That was a random word to start my post with, but ya, I wanna talk about relaxing, keeping my fear level to a minimum zero, my temper in check, you know...the whole calming down and breathing in and out. Oookay. I know that my close friends would probably be laughing just at that last line. Well, I am the most hyper person you would know. I speak in tune and I love to go crazy. Ya, I get it, I'm quite childish too. But ya, quoting from a good friend, "You are bubbly. There is nothing wrong with that". He probably said that coz I'm like a sister to him and he loves me enough not to want to see me in a bad mood. But ya.
I am me. And ya, I admit that I'm far from being perfect. But I really really, genuinely like myself a lot. Honestly! I have no self-esteem issues, and ya, I am a girl who loves herself a lot. As impossible as it may seem, it is true! I love myself!
But there is this one thing that really gets to me and that is the fact that people judge me for that. I make friends very easily but it takes a lot to gain my trust. I do not go around reciting my entire life's story to people because I have trust issues. I either trust a person too much or I just don't. That doesn't mean that I do not regard them as a friend. It's just that at times, I really like to be with myself. You know. To just immerse myself in a world that doesn't care about me. I know that is a very stupid thing to say, but ya.
OOkay. To those that are still reading, I know this post is so not me. But bear with me please. I really need to say all this out because I have no where else to go. I am stressed out, lost and....well...I just don't know.
So, the conclusion is, I do not like being judged. I like living my life the way I want to, regardless if you think I should not do the things that I do. But wey, life only comes once. So, I just duwanna have any regrets.
Seriously, stop judging me. I just do not like being judged. It is as simple as that.