Oooooo, So it is already 2013?

*drum rolls*
And here it is, the last day of the year 2012. To be honest, a part of me always thought that somehow I won't be alive till this day. I don't know why, but I did. And I don't know why, but I am still alive. I am very grateful to be able to still breathe, to be able to still cuddle with Ruby and Dino, to be able to cook with mum or argue with dad. I am still alive and I am thankful for that.
Errr, okay, that was emo enough for an intro.
It is the last day of the year and as always, I am compelled to reflect on how the year went. 2011 was a roller coaster year for me. I had my ups and downs but 2012 was a year that just went downhill, in so many aspects. I have been through more in this last 365 odd days then I have ever had in my life. The trials and tribulations that I have faced is one that would remain etched in my heart forever. I have just learnt so much in this one year that words will never be able to express how I feel ending the year.
But hey, a new year equals to a new beginning right? So here is to leaving everything behind and putting a step forward. I have had a long list of resolutions compiled but right before we go there, let's just see how 2012 went, shall we?
My biggest dream for 2012 is to get myself published. I did not manage to do it in the scale I wanted to but an article that I wrote did get published in my college magazine. I am fueled with so much passion to continue that dream to own a column of my own in a newspaper. I know it will happen, I just hope it happens soon.
In 2012, I promised to take care of myself real well and I am happy to say that I did. I fell in love with myself many times this year. I know I know. Pretty self praising but hey, I do love myself very much!
Well, I have no idea how 2013 would go but I am keeping my hopes up. I know it will be an awesome year if I just let it to. Here is to meeting new people, to learning new lessons, to being a better version of me. Here is to a new year. Happy New Year people!

Signing off with a smile, Love you people!

What makes you a man?

I woke up to the sad news of the Delhi victim's death yesterday. I remember feeling this emptiness in my heart and soul. I did not know that girl. She was not my sister, friend nor were we tied by any relation, blood or not. But we had one similarity. We are both females living in a world that never failed to put down the fairer sex. Once again, as always, I am stressing the fact that I am not a sexist. I am merely a girl trying to raise a voice for her own gender.
My hands are numb typing this out, and so is my heart and soul. Where is the value of a woman? I just don't understand how anyone would have the heart to do what they did to that girl. She has been given names such as Daarmini and Nirbhaya. No one knows her true identity, something which should be remained that way. This girl is the voice of thousands of us, females. She will remain a pillar of strength for the many of us and her death will have an arc of its own in our souls forever.
But here is something that I don't understand. Why do men choose to rape? Please highlight the word "choose" here. I am saying that it is a choice that men make. To rob a girl of her virginity or to force her into sex does not make you a man. Here is what that does make you a man. Can you touch a girl no where but her heart? If you can, pet yourself on your back. Because honestly, that makes you a man.

Signing off though I have so much to say.

37 days of a very different life-My very own working experience!

How lucky I am to have known a life that is so different from the one I am used to. I am the pampered princess, the one who has it her way, who does things because she wants to and yet, all that changed in the last 37 days of my life. The people that I have met, the lessons that I have learnt and the memories that I will now carry for the rest of my life here on Earth has made me a person that I never once knew I could be.
Yes, I got myself a part time job as a Cashier in a leading hypermarket in Klang for this semester break. This is my story, one that I am proud to tell.

I always thought that my first ever paid job would be as a teacher, and if not that then as a writer. But I suppose God always had better plans for me. He put me in a place that I never once knew I could survive. For starters, the very first day of work, I was placed in a wine shop. Yeap, you heard me right. I sat there for practically 4 hours, not moving much, trying so hard to not cry, well, I did cry. I mean, you know I am against alcohol consumption. It is a life principle and my life principles mean the world to me. So yes, I cried. I went home that day, looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what the hell have I got myself into. It was that bad.

Well, that aside. Let's talk about the Vegetarian life principle. I have touched more raw meat in these last few days then I have ever had in the last 2 years of converting into a Vegetarian. Every single time that I had a customer bring in meat to be cashed in, I died a little inside. Being an animal lover, it was definitely the toughest part of my job. I had to tell myself that it was okay. And at the end of the day, I am proud to say, I survived that too. 

I have so many stories to tell and I am sure that it will unfold with every post of mine. For now, I am just happy to have experienced this life that is so different from that which I am used to. Money has always had lesser value in my heart compared to love, care, affection and etc. And it still remains that way despite learning how much money means too.
Apart from all that, I do know that when tomorrow rolls in, I will miss waking up at 7, miss snoozing for 10 mins, I will miss my morning shower, my morning coffee in front of the tv, I will miss Dino's goodbye kiss right before I get into the car and take that long 15 mins drive to work. I will miss my morning radio show, my favourite C4 parking, the morning guard who will smile at me, I will miss punching in my card and I will miss looking into the mirror before walking in. I will miss wishing that Counter 28 has not been opened and I will miss jumping in joy when I am given the express counter. I will miss saying thank you to every customer, despite how much I feel like screaming at some of them. I will miss saying, "Mam, less than 10 things only ah", and I will miss the money change that the team leaders will do. I will miss blinking the light and calling for help and I will miss counting the coins and the spot checks with the team leaders. I will miss closing my counter with a sigh of relief and that long walk that I take back to my car only to repeat the whole process the next day. I will just miss so much of everything.

Signing off with a hint of nostalgic memories, Love you people.

Of flaring tempers and mixed up emotions.

You know that fleeting moment when you feel so happy that you can't help but put on a smile on your lips? Your heart leaps a little and you feel your legs being lifted from the ground by an invisible force? Pretty amazing no?
Nope, I am not feeling all that today. In fact, I feel the right opposite. I am in a bad mood, a very bad mood that I don't know how to explain in words.
It's not that I want to feel this way but I do. I hate these mixed up emotions and feelings. I have so much to say and yet I can't find the words to do so. This happens at times, doesn't it?
I find myself questioning my every action. My temper is flaring very easy and we all know that, that is bad. How do I get rid of all these emotions running wild in me?
I am not the kinda gal that gets frustrated with life that easy. I have seen enough to know how much I should appreciate the fact that I still have so much left in life. *touchwood* So, what's wrong with me then?

Signing off with a blanky wrapped around me, Love you people!

How about falling for a total stranger?

"Across the years, I shall hold your heart and when our time on Earth is through, in Heaven too I shall be yours. "

I absolutely love that particular phrase so much that it has been in my head for the last 6 years, ever since I read it in a novel. Funny how it means so much to me despite not having a particular someone to dedicate that to.
Being single in a world that shakes its head at you for not having someone by your side is pretty...let me say...damn good! Ironical? Allow me to explain. I am the kinda girl that does what her heart desires, never once allowing anyone to be the reason of my actions or decisions. I believe in love so much, trust me on that. So it is only fair that I wait patiently for that prince charming of mine. It might take years, but wait I shall.
I met up with my best friend recently and we spoke about the future. We are both single by the way and we both have never been in a relationship and we both share the same fears on this matter. The difference would be that she, well, has her feet firmly attached to the ground while I, you know me. I am still with the whole fairytale thingy.
Anyway, she told me that she wants to meet someone new, some stranger, someone she has never seen in her life, wants him to change her perception, her views and then she wants to fall madly in love with him. I couldn't help but smile at what she said. I have never thought of falling for someone that way. I always assumed that things would happen the way it always does. You know, knowing someone for a while then you start feeling tiny little butterflies floating in your tummy and suddenly, boom, just like that, you realise that you are looking at him/her in a whole new angle. The conventional way of falling in love sounds pretty ok right?
But then again, imagine getting to know a stranger, imagine letting him/her slowly into your lives. Sounds pretty interesting, doesn't it? We all make friends this way but how about falling in love this way? Knowing that you want something more than just friendship with a total stranger and knowing that you want that in the future and not now, is kinda exciting. I am not saying that I want this, I am just saying that it is an idea that is well, not bad, not bad at all.
I can see myself slowly letting someone know about me. Like sitting across someone and telling them, "Hey, you know what, I am an animal lover and a committed vegetarian for life. I won't judge someone who eats meat but I will never change myself for anyone". Or how about hearing him say, "That's nice. I am a person who doesn't believe in having an online social life and I don't have a Facebook account".
Ooooookay, sorry peeps, I know I am getting carried away with this whole concept. But honestly, it is a good concept!
Anyway, I am far from experiencing any of that at this point of my life and I am extremely happy with that. Let's just have things happen the way it is supposed to shall we. Who knows, that prince charming of mine might be reading this at this very moment with a tiny smile on his lips. *dreamyeyes*

Signing of with a hot mug of coffee at hand, Love you people! 

Here's to this mystery we call "Life". :)

I have so much to tell and equally much to share. In the last 6 days of my life I have learnt so much. I used to take life for granted. I used to look up at my principles, not willing to comply, always thinking I had the rights to do whatever I wanted in my life. I used to take life one day at once. And then, everything changed. I wish I can say more than that but right now I can't.
It is so funny how random little things really teach us lessons that we would carry in ourselves, somewhere deep down our hearts. And I am honestly very thankful for these lessons that I am learning on a daily basis. Who would have thought that a girl like me would get stuck in a world like that with people so different from me. Adapting is more than just a word or an act here. It has a life of its own.
So, where am I going with this post? Well, I just wanna say this. Never be afraid to take chances in life. Don't ever give up easily and never let anyone or anything get to you. Even if you feel like giving up, always remember the very reason why you held on this far. Life is very short yes, but there is so much to see and so many different worlds to set your foot in, metaphorically that is. Even if you have this constant fear in you, put on a brave front. No one will be able to see the difference. Trust me on that.
Good luck with December everyone! Love you all to the tiniest bits. :)

Best friends in LOVE?

I don't think best friends should fall in love. There, I said it. I always used to admire people who had someone of the opposite sex as their best friend. You know, no feelings, just pure love in a way that is not attraction kinda thingy. And I always used to shake my head when I eventually find out that those best friends turn into lovers. It is not that you should not fall for your best friend, it is just that...why? I mean, this is a person that knows you so well, what makes you tick, what is your flaw, who you really are. So, is that why then? Because its easier?
Trust me, I am not judging. I am merely trying to understand something I don't see myself doing. I think love is something that is risky and getting into a relationship with your best friend means putting that pure friendship at risk. What if things don't work out? Is it possible to go back to being just friends?
Well, when you fall for someone, there is no reasons, no explanations, no fear...just love. Purely blinded love. So ya, I don't see myself falling for someone that I really trust and treat as a close friend because I need sparks. I believe in the magical aspect of love. I believe that love has 8 stages. But then again, I am just the kinda girl that thinks a prince is out there waiting to sweep me off my feet.
So, best friends in love? Neh, not my kinda thingy.

*Sulks and Pouts*

Yes, I am pouting. I don't like to pout but I am. I think pouting makes me look really witchy and mean, but yet I am doing it. You see, there is this thing about me. I don't like to chase after people who don't chase after me. Call it ego, but I say its, self worth. If someone does not remember you, or pretend not to, will you be the one that bugs them, and reminds them of your existence?
Well, I learnt the very hard way that if someone wants to keep in touch with you, or wants to talk to you, or even, still wants you in their life, they will make an effort to stay, to be with you, to support you in the way you want them to or in the way they can.
See, it is a fair concept here. Why would you want to spend your time, energy and thoughts on a person who does not even do anything to appreciate that? Because you care? Oh please don't give me that answer. Even I know that when you care, you will get hurt.
Hence, I care. It bothers me. It makes me upset that those I care for does not care for me in return. So...what do i do? Remind them that I exist? Slowly sway myself back into their lives? Neh. I shall just sulk and pout for now. At least that takes my mind of things. And when I am done with the sour face and all, I shall decide what to do.
After all, human beings are busy creatures right? That sums up why I like animals better and why I believe in a magical land such as fairytopia.

Goodbye MR. 2012's Deepavali

And just like that, the day has ended. I just finished replying to all the messages that came in, wishing me a good Deepavali. I still hear to the sounds of crackers being burst as I type this out. It was different this year, very different. But, I am pleased to say that I kept my emotions in check today. No tears flowed, no temper flared and well, like I said, it is different. 

I spent the day here, in front of the tv, with my eyes on my laptop that is resting so calmly on the coffee table. I have finished about a 100 plus pages of that beautifully twisted love novel that my friend introduced me to. I can't seem to read with much ease due to the fact that it is in the form of a word document and not a real, solid book. Nevertheless, I dare say that my view on a particular topic is definitely being altered as I find myself tangled in a world of romance. 

It was a good day though. I learnt how to make briyani today. The last time I tried, well, it did not go so well and as such, I am pleased to announce that I think I finally nailed the recipe. I definitely had fun in the kitchen today with mum.
Apart from that, I went online, updated my Facebook status, scribbled in Twitter and well, that's about it. My online social life is deteriorating but the thing is, I am not bothered. Pretty new for Raevarthy, that's for sure.

I slept, I woke up, I prayed, I watched one of my favourite movies, I fed the kids, I ate dinner, I cleaned up the dishes and I am waiting for the day to end. In the blink of an eye, I am bidding goodbye to Mr. 2012's Deepavali with ease. It was different, but an easy day. And I definitely thank God for that. :)

Celebrating Deepavali in a white cage.

Imagine this cage. A little white cage with a door that is locked and in it, you. Look at life from that point of view. How would it make you feel? That's the one answer I always had for those that told me that life was tough. I always argued that we made life look tough, it really isn't. Apparently even Mr Life himself got a little bit upset with me for that statement coz well, life for me now is...erm...let's just say, not a bed of roses.

It is the 6th of November today so yes, memories are flooding in. I won't say more than that because it is not my place to.

Apart from that, well, I have nothing much to look forward to. I know that it is the season of Deepavali and everyone has caught the holiday bug. I woke up today to see my housemates packing. Boxes were everywhere, books were being thrown in along with the entire memories of the sem. Had a little moment there trying to make sense of what I had done for the last 6 months or so. I remember early January this year and now it is already November. Time flies? How about time is actually in a speed jet, not stopping for anything in it's way? 

Anyway, so ya, nothing to look forward to. Deepavali will come and go, we will all go online, posting statuses about Deepavali, we will take out our phones and text our loved ones, creating the best possible Deepavali wish, we will eat like we have never seen food before, we will hear crackers being burst late at night, and then just as it came, the spirit of Deepavali will die down too and we will resume to our regular lives.
I am not celebrating Deepavali this year so it is not much of a celebration to me. It never really was so it does not make much of a difference. I was never the kinda girl who loved to to climb a gazzilion shops, bargaining for the best outfits or the one to sit in the kitchen and bake those cookies that somehow will go to waste at the end. I was just the girl who took out clothes I bought but never wore and called that my Deepavali outfit. I baked but just for the fun of it, just coz I love baking. We don't have much relatives that will be flocking the house too, so I never really bothered.
But last year was different. I had fun going out to shop with my friends, buying back things for mum and dad and I actually cooked some lovely dishes on the day of Deepavali. The three of us, minus my sister who was at Indonesia at that time, sat by ourselves and ate. It was quiet but lovely. 

This year, well, like I said, life is currently not a bed of roses and hence, I will not be doing any of that. I will light up my home though. Always loved putting up lamps all over the house. And maybe just maybe this year I will look up at the skies and see a shooting star. Maybe I will wish upon that shooting star and then poof, just like that, I won't find myself sitting in a white cage any longer. Irony? You have no idea!
Anyway, to those celebrating, Happy Deepavali and to the rest, Happy Holidays! Stay as fabulous as ever! :)

Crying for no reason.... Try it!

You know how sometimes, you just wake up feeling a little blue and depressed? Like you don't wanna get out of bed and face the world? Have you ever had those kinda days in which all you wanna do is just pull the blanket over your head and drown into a deep sleep so that you don't need to think, feel, worry or do anything of that sort? God bless you my child if you answered no to that.

I woke up in a daze today. Mum got a little worried considering how I slept early last night and was still not up. She asked me what's wrong and I just shrugged. How do you answer what's wrong when you yourself have no idea right? So, I then walked to the bathroom and stayed there for a whole 40 minutes. Took the longest shower ever trying to decide how to put away worrying thoughts and a heart that seemed to be beating ever so fast for no reason. Did it work? It made things even worse. Mum came banging the bathroom door asking me why I was not out. Again, I couldn't answer her because I did not have an answer to that either. 

Eventually when I was done with all that, still figuring out why I feel the way I do, I got myself a cup of coffee and toasted a slice of bread. Even while eating with my eyes glued on tv, with dad and mum chatting away happily, I just did not know what to do, say, or feel. I couldn't put my mind to exactly why I was feeling the way I was, despite being quite good at helping people understand their emotions. 

And then I did the most stupid thing ever, which is not really stupid considering the fact that I do it almost everyday. I went online. I logged into Facebook and scrolled through my homepage. There, that did it to me. I cried. I don't mean cry as if in, wipe away a silent tear that is trickling down the cheek kinda thing. I cried. I stuffed my face in my pillow and cried. Tears after tears. What I saw on Facebook that actually brought me to do that? Good question, really. Because I don't have an answer to that either. 

I just saw depressing, sad, emo status'es up there by some random people that you can't even say are my close friends and yet, I cried. Pretty childish for a 21 year old. Yeap, I get it. 

Point here is, I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why life is cruel. And I certainly don't know why I seem to be able to not cry when I should and cry when I should not. That, there is as confusing as it sounds.
 I am an amazing girl with an outer and inner strength that could move mountains and battle through any hurdle thrown my way. I know I sound a tad bit self praising but I am honestly very proud of who I am. Been through a lot, and still surviving. But right here in this heart and soul of mine is a calling that I can't deduce. Emotions that strike at the most random hours and memories that fill the heart when you don't expect them to. Funny how they say life would shape you into who you deserve to be. Because I say, life is pretty messed up itself and no, life can't decide who you should be. That my friends, is somehow something we are all stuck figuring out. 

So, as for me, crying really did make me feel better even though I don't know why I cried. Maybe, just maybe I need a therapist after all?

Are you dating a mummy's boy? This one is for you!

Mummy's boy.
So, there's a word we have all heard. The one type of guy that we, women run away from. I mean, in general,that is. Oh ya, if you are a guy and you are reading this, oh please feel free to argue, state your defense, god knows I am looking for an excellent person to debate with right now.
Anyway, mummy's boy. Who is he again? You know, the one who prefers to stay in on a Friday night watching soap opera dramas with mum rather than hang out with his friends. You know, the one that goes, "...Erm, but my mum would not like that very much" or the one that runs to her whenever he argues with you? You get the idea here, don't you?
I remember a long time ago, when I was in my early teens that I made a vow to myself to never ever fall for a mummy's boy. The reason was simple. I am possessive and well, can be very very "attached" to what is mine. So, I thought, he is mine and no, I am not sharing, not even with his own mum! Hahaha! Oh, how naive I was!
Well people, I can't really argue on the whole concept of mummy's boy mainly because if I had a son, I would want him to be utterly devoted to me as well. But, what I can tell you, is how to deal with a mummy's boy, just in case you are after all dating one! Here you go! My top three secret tips! Boys, if you are reading this, go away now!

1) Realise that he is always going to love you more than her
- This isn't a tough one really. Either you can put up with it for the long run or you can't. My advise is simple. If you are the type of person who thinks a guy has to be your "everything", MOVE ON! Really, nothing will drive him nuts more than you asking him to state his pick! To make a choice between the woman that gave birth to him and the one that is arguing? We all know which is the easier way out, don't we?

2) Have the BIG TALK
-This is a tad bit risky, but if you love him and you honestly want things to work out, then you have to have the BIG TALK. Sit him down and tell him how it really makes you feel when he runs to her for emotional advises on your relationship. Reassure him that you think it is best to have things worked out between the both of you without having a third party involved.

3) State your rules
-This is basically something I tell all girls whenever they announce that they are in a new relationship. You just need to state your rules. He needs to know that you won't take all those loads of crap that he throws to you. Trust me girls, the more you chase after him, the more he will take you for granted, especially as the relationship progresses. Be a lady of class, tell him there are just somethings you won't give in to. And one of it could be him making his own decisions, without mummy's consultation.

Well girls, I don't know about you but I have long thrown away that concept of not dating a mummy's boy. Not because I would love to have a man pick his mum over me, but because I just know I would not fall for anyone short of being matured. And I believe a matured man would know how to treat his mother right without ignoring the other woman in his life.
Good luck with the tips though! Do let me know how it went! :)

To let go or to not?

Today, right here on the 24th October 2012, let me tell you a truth. Truth is, I do not know what I want. I think I know. I assume I have it all figured out. I have this budding reality in me that I can handle everything under the sun. But, try as I might, there is this one aspect of my life that no matter how many times I try getting rid off, it just never goes. I can't bring myself to throw away something as simple as papers, well maybe not just papers, I mean there is too much emotions attached to those papers. But the point is, I am dreading the moment of feeling free and not caged any longer. My heart deserves that much, I know that.
I have grown up and matured, not only physically but emotionally as well in just one year. But, doing this now, I don't know how well it would adjust to my new life.
Sometimes it is all okay. I don't even remember that those little memories are there, somewhere in a corner and sometimes it is all I can think of. I know that I did this to myself. But at that time, it seemed to be the right thing. Of course I do not regret what happened. I just...well...I am just wondering what if the whole scene played differently. But with that, I am also fully aware of the fact that I would have not ended up here today, if things were different back then.
So, the conclusion is, I am still holding on to what I should not. And I need something/someone to get it into my head that it is finally time to break free, and to fly away with no attachment of any sort.
Will you, yes you, do me the honour of letting my soul free?

E.X.A.M.S! Aye aye aye!

Hello humans! Hope you guys are good. I will just make this short and simple alright? There is this one thing that gets to me, and I am pretty sure it is something that you people can relate to as well. The issue at hand today is the issue of focusing. Exams are just around the corner and all I am doing is procrastinating. I am not fully concentrating on studying. It is as though I suddenly have tons to do. And the things that I deal with on a daily basis, well, lets just not go there k. Mind you, I am not complaining. I am merely stating that everything else just somehow becomes more important than exams when in reality it should be the other way around. Anyone else in the same boat as me?
Truth is, I am freaked out. I honestly am. I am not only having exam jitters, it goes beyond that. The nightmares have started, and the feeling of I might just screw the papers is slowly creeping into my soul, taking away the little peace I have here at home. I find myself questioning everything around me, regardless of whether it is of any importance. Maybe, just maybe I do need to get that yoga class thingy going on. You know, get myself enrolled in some kinda program that would help me get relaxed a little. Trust me humans, I am not exaggerating. I honestly feel very very lost, restless, and just stressed.
I know I still have time but as the clock ticks, so does my entire system. At most, I just sleep it off or find someone to talk to. The thing here is, I do not open up my heart and talk it out yet hear to what people say. I have always been a better listener than one who shares her problems right?
So, what is it with me then? Is it just the issue of having pre-exam jitters or an issue that has been embedded in me, finding its way to effect every other aspect of my life? Try as I might, I can't answer that.
Everything lost will one day be found, and I sure hope its the same for me too.

Neh, life won't end if I am not done living it!

Life is going to end one day. I do not deny that, but I am still contemplating the fact whether the world, as they say, would end in 2012. And the fact of what I would be doing should that happen. I watched a movie the other day that showed some heart-wrenching images of mother nature taking her last revenge on mankind as she hits with all her natural disasters. It moved me beyond words. I was just so stunned that I replayed those images in my head, for about a million times after the movie ended.

The thing here is that, I am not done with life. I still have a hell lot of battles to fight. I have not done enough for those that I love, and hence, I do not want to leave. I know that the world is not necessarily fair and that every one of us would meet the angle of DEATH one day. But, I am seriously not ready for that. I know that it is kinda ironic that I am speaking of death at this juncture of my life. It is just that something sparked off in me to sit and pen this down. 

We walk out of our house every day not knowing that it could be our last. We go to our respective universities, sit through hours of lectures and tutorials, laugh with our friends, and amidst all that, do we really stop to think that life could end when we least expect it to? For example, an assassin could break in, taking the lives of strangers, and what if, we happen to fall into that category of strangers? 

Or, lets say for example, we take a long drive in the highway, blasting our favourite songs, with big shades, and air-conditioner just suited to hit us, with no one else in the car and just one slight miscalculation and poof, gone. Accidents take lives even if it was not our fault to begin with. 

I know that living life with a constant fear that death would strike is not the right way. But sometimes, thoughts such as this is just one that you can't ignore. I just know for sure that, despite the difficulties or hurdles that come crashing into my life, I am just not done fighting. I am not done saying, "Bring it on". I still have a long way to go. I still have big dreams to realisise and equally big miracles to watch unfold. I have little desires to fulfill, such as the desire to bungee jump, meet my celebrity crush, drive long distance with a special someone, and much more. I know that life is so cruel at times, taking people away from the face of Earth before their time comes. I just wish and pray that I would be kept alive at least till I am able to breathe a sigh of relief, watching my parents, sister , and 2 children smile at me in pride. That, I believe is just a feeling no money can buy or no words can do justice to. 

Here's to the past, there's to the future. :)

Will you accept me despite knowing my past?
A fellow friend asked me that the other day. Gotta admit, I got stunned for one second. I never thought about having a past affect the future. For me, life is always meant to be lived as how it is, the current without much thoughts about the past nor the future. But, despite having answered that in my most matured way possible, it got me thinking. Why is it that we, humans can never look past what happened in the life of someone? It is impossible to say that we never even once talked about someone without referring to their past, is it? So, let me shed some light on that topic today.

The main problem with us humans is for a fact that we have expectations in life. We decide what we want based on notions of what is right and what not. Very few times in life I have met people who told me that they don't expect anything in life, be it relationships, friendship, family, security, job, or anything at all. I humbly bow down to the fact that I have big expectations in my life too. But the only difference here is that I am somehow a very practical person. I wouldn't say that you are wrong but I wouldn't argue that I am right either. Pretty safe way to lead a monotonous life, no? 

So, what is it with expectations and past? In the most simplest way possible, I dare say that it is not that we can't accept the past of someone, it is just that we do not want to let go of something as simple as just thoughts to truly embrace the present. And that, my friends, is a very dangerous thing. What if you lost the present and the future for something as simple as the past? Pretty scary if you think about it.

But then again, as sane and practical I deem myself to be, if there is one thing that I cannot take, it is lies. Remember this, we all have a past life that we have shut down from, picking ever so carefully whom we share it with. So, I would say this, I believe that a person would be accepting of the past of someone if you told them from the very beginning. Don't try to hide something because we all know that everything hidden will be found one day. 

And that brings me to the next reality. Is it okay to not say anything of one's past, knowing full well that the other party may not know if you do not tell? Well, that is very much an easy way out isn't it? I would say that the deciding factor on this is you. Is that what you want? Would you rather have a house with a shaky foundation but beautiful deco or a house with a pretty firm foundation but with a patched up deco? It is tempting to pick something beautiful over something "imperfect", isn't it? 

Well darling readers, let the past live in the past. Do not throw away the future for something as simple as the past. 

As Joyce Chapman once said, 

"If you're still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today."

Try guessing! :P

Hallo darling readers! How is everybody doing? Yeap, I kinda got my cheery self on track since I have been buzzed about how emo I have been sounding on my blog as well as FB status's. Well, what can I say? A girl just gotta have her emo times! Anyway, i spent the last week reading very interesting articles online that somehow reaffirmed the fact that I can never be just a teacher. I need to get my spirit, soul, heart out there into the world of psychology especially where relationships are concerned. I have no idea why, but when it comes to humans and relationships, I can go on and on. I guess this is the definition of passion. 

Anyhow, I came across this very interesting article on the types of romantic relationships that we humans will encounter throughout our lives. They classified it into 10 different types and I must say, I do agree with that classification. So, what are those 10? Well, why don't you take a guess and lemme know. After all, I am a "learner-centred" kinda teacher! So, keep guessing till my next post! I will explain those 10 in detail and let you know which of those 10 have been present in my own life!
Take care humans of my blog. Just know, that I do love you so very much! 

You never truly move on, do you?

Can you forget someone you once loved and cared for to the extent that no memories of them ever affect you? Is that even remotely possible? I once had that question thrown to me. Many people have told me that it is impossible to open up their hearts after a relationship ends. I have been a witness to this too, watching friends completely shut themselves off from the opposite sex or the word Love itself. I always argued that lightning does not strike the same place twice and that there is always a someone out there for everyone, if only you dared to step out of your set boundary.
However, today, as I lie on my bed typing this out, I am looking at this issue through another lens, one that I believe only those loved and hurt can truly understand.

The human heart is a funny little thing. You think it listens to you, but it does not. It has a mind of its own and it plays by its own rule. Hence, the heart somehow can never understand why things that did not work the first time around won't work how many times you try, especially when there is another heart concerned. How do one tell their hearts to stop hurting when the cure itself is the main reason for the hurt? Funny how when we love, we never stop to even think once that it might end. And funny how now that it has ended, we still hold on to those happy memories, sometimes letting go of the bitter moments to just somehow feel the joy of being loved once again. But then again, memories have a way of tearing the most toughest of tough souls, I should know.
So, how do we bid goodbye to an old flame, a once-upon-a-time crush, or even someone we thought was our own prince charming? Is that possible? Is it possible to walk away from love and never look back again? 

I wish that love came with warning bells, or with expiration period so that when I love, I will specifically know when to throw it away not looking back, just like how we dispose expired bottles of sauces or a loaf of bread that has reached its expiration date. But then again love is not made up of sauces or breads is it? It is made up of hearts that intertwine in ways even our supreme creator can't deduce.

Ps: So I suppose, it is better to have loved and lost rather than never being loved? That I will never know, for nor am I loved nor do I have the courage to love. 

Go away Mr.Exams, Little Raeva doesn't like you! >:(

*Winks*

Wassup readers! How's life now that Monday is officially here? Anyone dare say that they are having fun? I for one am having one of the slowest, stuck in time, sleepy week. Is it a sense of ungratefulness in me that I am feeling it would have been better to have had any assignment to be completed? This slow paced life is the indication that the master of all, enemy of every student's life is coming. Yeap, I am welcoming Mr.Exams soon into my life. He is expected to drop by for about 2 weeks in 2 weeks time. I never appreciated his visits and I am sure I won't this time around too.

So, technically that would mean that I need to ensure the studying gets along right? Though I don't find myself distracted nor tempted to be distracted, it is just the thought of sitting there, memorising facts for hours that I would after all forget the moment I step outta the exam hall that is of a put off factor right now. Plus the fact that I do not really like the subjects I am taking this semester, except for the literature component, Stories for Young Learners. That one, is just where my heart is. Hey, I am after all a literature girl aren't I?
So, the conclusion is, I absolutely need to get it in my head that Mr.Exams is coming! So, if you see me loitering in Facebook or blog walking, chase me away ye? I will so appreciate you for that! But, do entertain me once in a while too, you know I need that. :)

Meet my friend, Hope. :)

On this lovely Saturday night, before I retire to bed, wishing for the sweetest of sweet dreams, let me tell you something. Hope lies in the heart of those that believe. It is not only a power to be able to hope for something, it is a form of love to. Love in this sense is of course an abstract form and I sure wish you understand what I am saying.
I don't understand why is it that we sit in a corner, holding our heads, gaze lowered to the ground and just let ourselves be broken by adversity. Life is not easy. The only way to survive this little game called life is to hope. Hope is not wish. Let me caution you. Hope simply means believing that you are able to get out of a sticky situation, trusting that you will be able to smile after a major thunderstorm.
People tell me that I am a positive person. I won't deny that but then again I am not saying that I am the kinda person that says, "Bring it on" to every challenge of life that I seem to be having nowadays. I am just saying that instead of holding my head down, not knowing what to do, I push myself to look up with this tiny flutter in my soul called hope. I hope each and every day that there will be one day in which life will not be a constant roller coaster ride. Does it work? Ya, it does! In a way no words can explain.
So that is hope. Hope is a friend we all need to let into our lives. Hope has no sexual orientation, race or religion, hence it is not bias. Hope loves those who love it. Hope will always be there for those that need it. Isn't that what we all crave for?

Hence, c'mon now, fellow readers, with a little smile, let's let Hope into our lives.

I am single, but taken. I am in love, but not in a relationship. Strange?

Alright darling readers of my blog, I have an announcement to make! I am officially in love! Yes, it just happened and no I am not delusional nor high. I am in love!

Who? What? When? I can understand how curious you are. Well, at this juncture, you know I am not going to say much. But I will tell you this. Ask me personally and I will tell you the whole story! 

I first had a crush on him, then a huge crush, then I liked him, then I liked him a lot and now, I am in love with him. 

How does it feel to be in love? Well, the same really. It is not like I am sitting here smiling for no reason, or staring at his messages, or looking at his pictures or anything. Well, I did do that yesterday. And I did change my desktop picture. But still, I insist, being in love feels the same. I just feel like a happier me. And I do like this "happier" me. 

Keeping him a secret ain't working though. I mean, I am so happy that I wanna talk non-stop about him. I always did, but now I am doing it more. It sort of is like living in a fantasy land, but way "real" than that. Get me? Too bad, my friends are ignoring me, as always. They just don't see what I see in him. He is so perfect in so many ways and imperfect in so many others, that just makes me fall even more. Oh, that voice, that expression, that attitude. A man so perfect, it is a blessing that he stumbled into my life. 

Yes, Raevarthy a.k.a. "The Love Guru"  is in love! 

But then again, every love story has to have a sad fact attached to it kan?

The only sad fact of this whole beautiful love story of mine is the fact that I am in a love with a guy that  has no freaking idea that I love him! Sad no? And to add to that fact, is the fact that he is actually a celebrity and oh ya, did I mention, he has a long line of girl fans! Neh, the possessive me hasn't kicked in yet. So, I am not really going nuts over it or anything. I mean, c'mon. How can you not admire him kan? 

So ya, I am in love with a celebrity! The logic, I insist is, it is so much better to fall for someone that you have no chance with rather than for someone that would not let you have a chance with them. Guys are complicated. So, why complicate yourself further trying to be a part of their life? Be like me. Fall for someone who you can stare at the whole day, talk about, stalk, have butterflies in the tummy, feel a whole lot of head spinning when you see their messages or listen to their voice and still have no relationship problems! Life is so much easier, not complicated and just perfect!
Hence, darling readers, this is my official announcement,
I am single, but taken,
I am in love, but not in a relationship.
Let's toast to that, shall we?

Ps: To that someone who has captured my heart, if you ever read this, no, I am not high nor crazy nor mad. I am just an ordinary girl that is in love with an extraordinary guy! I do love you so very much! 

When the old couple argued and I looked into my own soul. :)

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Mum was busy writing out her grocery list, dad was watching some old movie on TV, and I was chatting with a friend on Facebook when the unpredictable happened! Alright, too big of a word. Well, something that I did not expect to happen happened.

I heard a loud scream followed by some shouting. We all looked up and at one another. Yes, a full blown argument was taking place. This is nothing unusual right? I mean, we all have neighbours that fight. The thing is, this was so surprising to me because it was my 78 year old neighbour uncle and 60 plus year old neighbour aunty cursing at one another. They were not necessarily the sweetest couple around but hey, after 40 plus years of living together, I would think that they wouldn't shout at one another to leave the house. But they did. The cursing, and swearing, and screaming was just too deafening to hear. Trust me on that. It went on for about half an hour and then just like that the noise died down. Life I suppose, moved on for them.

But then again, knowing me, you would know that I took it personal. It did make me think and voila I am here. I am not going to go on a debate here telling you that after years of marriage love does run out between a couple. That is not my stance. My stance here is simple. I do not want that. Yes, I am taking this on a personal level. I do not want a marriage in which after 50 odd years together he starts shouting at me and I curse him back. You know, I can argue too, which I am sure I will do if he starts questioning me or my beliefs.

So, where am I going with this? Well, people, I just feel like saying this. Relationships turn sour not because love runs out but because care does. When you care about someone, you would understand them. And even if you did not, you would pretend that you did. How come the little flutter of hearts, butterfly in tummy, smiling for no reason and bla bla just somehow goes away once we are tied to that particular someone that we fell for in the very first place? Why? 

If only we all remember the very first day that we fell in love, we would not have any problems in any of our love lives. And that my dears, is something you should think of. In order to have a problem free love life, you need to see him or her the same way you did when you first realized you were in love with him/her. After all, if the problem is LOVE then the solution is LOVE too kan?

It is after all an insensitive world!

I am currently in a very depressed, annoyed, about to blast at someone, can't calm down kinda state. The reason being something that I wish not to state here. Nevertheless even in this state of mind, I feel the necessity to state a few facts. And yes, this is written based on my unstable emotion and no I do not care of the repercussions of it.
I am done being a used mat. I am done being someone everyone can step on. Never once in a million years I thought I would be here today. Never once I thought this would bother me this much. But when you truly care, love and adore someone, it will hurt, and that is a lesson I learnt the hard way. Why did I share so many memories with you that now only seem as though I have been nothing but someone you had when you had no one? Alright fine. I know I am emo-ing. Well, a girl gotta emo at times to be the tough person she portrays whom she is not.
I also do not understand why people are so bias. And I honestly mean it. We all live in a country in which we have been taught to understand, tolerate, accept and appreciate one another's differences in religion, values, as well as way of life. The only thing is that after 21 years of life, here I am watching things that should not happen, happen in my life. If at 2012 we live among racism and colour coding, imagine when 2020 rolls in. Leave the nation aside for a minute. Look at our very own university, school, institution, place of work. Where do I even go with this? Patience is virtue they say. But what if being patient is only easier said than done? 

And then there is me. Trying to make sense of an insensitive world. That's just so me kan?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P- The unsinkable ship? Really?

Tada! I am here. Been a while hasn't it? I have definitely missed writing. I got caught up in keeping myself sane in a world that is a total madness that I even forgot I had a blog! Unbelievable kan? Anyway, in these few weeks of my absence, I have had some interesting encounters and events that I only wish I can pen them all down. But, like always, there is this one particular topic that made me think too much that I just had to write it down.
FRIENDSHIP.
That one ship that is deemed unsinkable. Not to me that is. No matter how many people I meet in my life or how many friends I make, I somehow believe that those friends that we laugh with, cry to, say "I love you" to, insult, and poke fun with will somehow be a stranger to us someday. Negative much? Trust me. I am being very judgmental, yes, but also very practical.
Life is unpredictable. So what do we do again? We hold those that we love close to us without ever forgetting that every one of them will leave us one day. We came into this world without any friends and we will leave as such. It is that thought that we should have in us. Why you ask? Simple.
In any friendship, there will come a time in which your relationship with that person will be tested. It will be worst than anything that you have ever been through. This is due to the fact that this person has no ties with you. They are just some stranger that you have learnt to trust and love. So what happens when that trust and love is proven to be lies? Or is it?
The thing about being friends with someone is that you can never tell when you should be angry and when you should give in. There are so many of us that have so many issues with our friends but we never voice them out because we still value friendship more than ego. But then again, how do you state your pick?
Funny how this particular relationship called "friends" work. Funny how someone you once know becomes someone you knew. Is there an end to friendship? God bless whoever who can answer that.

When love is the reason for your silence.

Isn't it ironic how sometimes you just love someone so much and then all you wanna do is strangle them? Or how much you are so close to someone and yet there are things that just gets on your nerves? Or how about those times you gossiped about a friend to another friend and then you move on with life, smiling, laughing and being in good terms with the other like nothing ever happened. Funny how all of us keep quiet at times despite having this intensifying urge in us to confront someone. Why this dual personality then? Are we all really hypocrites?

I have been through phases in my life in which I look at someone and go, "OMG, I am so lucky to have him/her in my life". Then something happens, and things change. There is just no such thing as having a relationship so pure and untouched by any sins or is it just me that never found such a relationship before?
An old friend once told me this. When it comes to ego or relationship, you have to choose relationship. You should be able to put aside your differences, swallow your pride and anger just to keep someone in your life. Trust me, I do not have the patience to do that. I mask patience. My family would tell you wonderful stories of how short-tempered, easily defending her rights kinda gal I am. It is just so funny how I am not all that outside home. Maybe I am a hypocrite after all. Or maybe I just don't want to go through the hassle of cleaning up the mess that follows once an argument blows over.

Recently, I find myself taking more deep breaths to deal with the people in my life. People that do not know the "real" me. I find it hard though. I mean, keeping quiet when you wanna just scream at someone is torture. Trust me on that. I sometimes walk from one end of the hallway to the other just to keep myself from boiling over. If it was just someone I never loved, it would be much easier. I would scream and move on like nothing happened. Funny how love is the reason for my silence. No one ever said loving a friend is tough. But it is. Much tougher than loving a guy/girl and being in a relationship with them.

Ego versus relationship? I am choosing relationship.

Reasoning my doubts.

So there I was. Sitting and cursing the fact that I have no class tomorrow and yet I am stuck here in my hostel room, with a million worrying thoughts and nothing much I could do when I saw my diary resting among a pile of papers, clips, bottles, and other materials that make up my life here. It was shining to me, gesturing for me to pick it up. I don't know whether I should say that it is a miracle that it happened so but I did pick it up, browsed through pages of my life story and landed on one that immediately made my eyes go wider. I stared, my heart beating faster and finally when I turned the page, a tear made its way down my cheeks. There in big bold words I wrote, "I am a bird, living in a caged world, I can fly free if I push the doors open".

Fear of the unknown. How many of us have had this fear in us that has somehow been the reason for us holding back and not doing something that we yearned so much to do? Familiar no? I am this person. I dream big. I have constant flashes of what life would be like if I just had the guts to do something that my heart and soul yearns to. But the thing is, no matter how strong the calling has been, I always second doubt myself. I fear that I am not good enough. I fear rejection. 

And that is one that I tell myself each and every day that I need out of my system. At a time in which I needed some push and shove, this diary entry came as an angel. It is so funny how something I scribbled down somewhere somehow at one point of my life, is something I am holding on to today.
So, everything does happen for a reason...Right? 

How do you woo a woman? :)

Hey people of my blogging world! I humbly seek forgiveness for my absence. I just lost my writing spark a little. I wrote drafts after drafts, mostly driven by what I would say "immediate emotions". None got published though coz well, I second doubted myself, which by the way, is not healthy. I will get to explaining on that another day, but first let me be me and talk about an issue that is very close to my heart. Women.
I am not going to rant on how I think women are being treated far less then what they deserve to be treated like nor am I going to blame the male population for being the reason behind it. I am done with that. Today, I am going to tell you how I think you should woo a woman. Ears up boys. Switch on your brains coz this one is for you.
"How do you woo a woman? First of all, what the hell is wooing a woman again Raevarthy?" I got that from a friend today. He told me, "I don't understand why women need wooing. I mean, though I get the whole thing that if you like a girl and all you gotta show her how much she means to you, but what's with the whole thing of wooing a girl? What am I supposed to do?" He was clearly very frustrated and despite laughing at the statement he made, it got me thinking. He was right. Women need wooing and not many men are good at it.
Screw boxes of chocolates, bouquets of roses or even love letters. Those pave the way to her heart, but you know what keeps her? Read on!
1) Being faithful
     I know she is not yours yet. But if you like her and you want her, then stop flirting. Nothing else can say that you are more serious about her than this. You think she does not know. But, trust me, if you have got a girl's attention, she knows. Oh yes she does. And if you can show her that you can be faithful despite not officially being her boyfriend, then my friend, you are in her good books and that is the first step to wooing her.

2) Make her laugh
    This is my favourite. I think that a guy that can make a girl laugh is a keeper. Girls love guys with a good sense of humor, just don't overdo it or else you will end up being a clown.

3) Be spontaneous!
    Don't over think stuffs. Really. Show her that you are interesting. If you are like every other man, how can she possibly fall for you?

4) Run from the "friend" zone!
    I am a girl, so trust me on this. Girls have a few zones that they categorise guys into. The friend zone is not one that you wanna target for. If you fall into the friend zone, you are going to be there forever. Instead, target for the best friend zone! 90% of girls would fall for their guy best friend, one time or another, somehow. So if you want her, offer a shoulder to lean on, wipe her tears, and just be there for her. The trick though, is knowing when she falls for you. I can't help you there. You gotta be good at reading the signs. Catch her when that happens and she is yours forever.

5) Be a spy!
   I am not asking you to stalk her or anything. I am telling you to be smart. Pay attention to what she says. Every girl has got that one thing that is more important than anything in their lives. You gotta find out what that is and be smart enough to show her that that thing is important to you too. Confusing? Simple. Some girls are so attached to their mums. Target on that. Show your gentlemen side to her mum. As for me, nothing is more sexier than a guy playing, cuddling and talking to animals. That makes me go crazy!

So boys, let the wooing process start! Weave your way to her heart and stay there! Good luck!

Ps: Before I get bombarded by my guy friends, this is after all written by me, and I am a girl, so it could be very girl minded but then again, if you want to get a girl, you gotta get tips from a person with the girl mind kan? Kan? *winks*

August 30- Memories, Love, Maturity!

I'll wait even if it means waiting forever
I'll write even if it means running out of words
I'll never give up even if it means trying again and again
I'll just put on a strong face, shake off the hurt, wipe away the tears, and put a foot forward with confidence.
I believe in this and I'm not giving up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

That was me a year ago. Who am I today? My heart will tell you better stories of that. If there is one thing that I can tell you about me, I am stubborn. I am very stubborn. Once I believe in something, I will never give up on it. I will never listen to those around me. Hell yeah, I won''t even listen to myself.
Well, it hurts to be so, I learnt that the hard way. A year ago I was a girl who listened to her heart, ignoring to the whispers of her brains. I didn't know what I was doing is an understatement. I knew. I perfectly knew. I just chose to ignore it. I chose to not be wise, to not be sane, to not be matured, to just not think. I live in a fairy tale world after all and in that world, anything is possible right?
Well, kinda. A year later, I still live in a fairy tale world. I still believe in prince charmings and I swear if you ever tried telling me otherwise, you would be scared, deeply!
Anyway, I am not saying that it doesn't hurt. It does. I mean, reading things that you wrote a year ago for someone you thought was special and yet things didn't work out, will always hurt. But the funny thing is, even in that hurt I don't feel the same way anymore. Seriously, can't believe all that I put myself into. Now it is just a memory that I will carry to my graves and I don't regret it. After all, everything happens for a reason right?
So yes, I am 21. I am single. I have never been in a relationship before. I have met Mr. Jerk, Mr. Flirt, Mr. Took-me-for-granted, you name it. I never fell in love sanely, that's for sure. Had a few crushes here and there. Had a few that I really liked. And had one that I thought I really fell for. Oh, how wrong was I!
Guess this is what happens when you believe in LOVE too much kan?
Anyway dear readers, today, on August 30th, I dare say that I am a new me and I am so proud of it! Let's toast to that!

Ps: Dear prince charming, wherever you are, trust me, when you come for me, you got a hell a lot of sweeping me off my feet to do!

Stop! You are hurting me! Bullying and all that! :)

Hello people of my virtual world. A huge hug from me to you. That hug is for those who feel that the world is picking on them and those that you know, just feel a little low and down today. Hopefully it cheers you up and reminds you that I am always here for you people. Anything at all. Besides, I love listening when someone talks, you can take me up on that, anytime of the day.
Today was a relatively good day. I know my emotions are a bit not stable right now due to all these thoughts pinned in my head, but I am trying to shake it off and concentrate on my assignments. God knows I am still so far behind and need to catch up with my fellow friends who have been submitting drafts ever since we returned to college. So yes, I am here to distress before returning back to my work.
An issue that is very personal to me is the issue of bullying. A very very long time ago,somewhere in my early teenage years, I was bullied. Along with many other things that has happened in my life, this issue remains buried deep down my soul. I have still not found the courage to talk about my story without tearing up. But, I know that the day will come in which I finally say it out with no tears and no regrets. After all, that is my life motto right? No regrets.
And speaking of bullying too, I just want to say this. If at all you are being bullied, in any form, sexual, verbal, physical, emotional and etc, it is not okay to keep quiet. Whatever that is happening, is not your fault. It will stop if you find the courage to speak out. There are people out there willing to help you out. If you can't speak to your parents, then speak to your teacher and if you cant speak to them, to any adult that you deem responsible enough. There is always an end to any problems, trust me.
Well my beautiful virtual friends, I think that is good enough of a quick post before returning to the real world, isn't it? Life is good, for now at least. Take care people! Love you lots! :)

You are just a girl and you can't do much.

Have you heard the age old saying, "She is just a girl"? Familiar? That one phrase that we say, not due to the fact that we are indeed a sexist, but because somehow deep down our minds, in a very subconscious way, we indeed find women inferior to men. I am born in a society that upholds women and at the same time puts it down. I don't blame my society for their backward thoughts but I blame us, the new generation for not doing much to change that perception. I was never a racist nor a sexist nor will I be one. But I am a person that puts her thoughts out there, unafraid of its consequences. 

We are all educated and yet we are not doing much to change how the world works in general. I believe that girls can do anything if we set our minds to it. We lead in so many forces and fields. We do what that a few centuries ago would have been frowned upon. Should we not be proud of ourselves girls?

But then again, why is there a certain group of us who still believe that we are inferior to our opposite sex. We would rather stay in an abusive relationship than walk. I do not know how many times I have said this. Relationships are supposed to keep us happy. And that happiness is not one that is embedded in slaps, punches or verbal slurs. Why is it that we fail to see that we can stand alone? I am not saying that we are not dependent to men. We are. The same way that men are dependent to us. I am merely stressing the fact that we as much as anyone deserve our love and affection. 

And if you look at it from another point of view, how many of us girls are allowed to chase our dreams, to mark our own presence in a world that is dominated by male chauvinism and ego? We are rarely appreciated for our intellectual thoughts. We are rarely seen as more than a little curve here and there covered in clothes. I have met several people myself that undress me with their eyes. My thoughts are not valued, and certainly my opinions do not count as much. Familiar? Yes, it still happens.

In this modernised world, we are allowed to step foot, to gain experience, to learn, to live, to survive along with men in all fields. However, to survive in that world, we need to have a heart that is too tough and a soul that never gives up. And that courage, sadly to say is not one that many have.

Like I said, I am not a sexist, never was one and never will be one. I am merely a 21 year old girl trying to stay sane in a society that can't seem to value me more than what that meets the eye. The phrase as I always hear, "You are just a girl and you can't do much". 

And my response has always been the same, "Watch me". 

A little trust always goes a long way.

Never lie to those who trust us and never trust those who lie to us. Lies and deception. That is the topic of the day.

Why do we lie again? Because we would just love to see people happy than sad? Well, think again. I know that there is this whole twisted concept that there are times in life that you have to lie, especially if it involves the feelings of a person. You do know that, that is crap don't you? If there is one place and one thing in life you can never lie, manipulate or play with, then that is the feelings of a person, especially someone who has trusted you so much. 

It is really ironical how trust and lies are intertwined. We, in general lie to people who trust us, and why is that, I have no freaking idea. When a person trusts us so much, it is only fair that we give them the truth, nothing but the truth. No matter how hard it is to digest an ugly truth, trust me, a person that really cares and trusts you would rather hear that then any sort of comfy beautifully dressed lie. 

Remember this. A relationship, of any sort, that is build on lies, will never survive. After all, it takes only a second for the truth to be out and that truth would hurt more than anything especially if it was previously sugar coated in lies.

If you knew me on a personal level, you would know how much I like hearing to anything that you tell me. Yes, I consider myself to be a pretty good listener. But nothing can hurt me more than knowing that I am actually listening to a lie, especially when it is from someone that I care about and have trusted a lot. Maybe that is why I don't trust easily. But then again, maybe there is no one in this world that won't take my trust for granted. Hence, the real question here is, how do I trust when I am lied to? 

Shoes, Dates, Kids, Life-It is seriously an unproductive life!

Now that it is officially Monday, the holidays is getting to me. I feel like I have not done anything productive for the last week, except for going to school that is and catching up with the KL room mate in Klang. True. Life around her is just bliss because we both just know about one another so much that we tolerate each other's nonsense. Right. Sounds like an old married couple? Yihaa!

So, where was I again? Right. The unproductive me. So ya, I woke up in the morning, had my shower, walked around the house, refused to take in any breakfast, and then voila, just like that I ended up here. I'll tell you this, as long as I have a net connection, as long as that I would be unproductive. I need to get around the sorting out my shoes part. Mum has been yelling at me for a few days now to start arranging my shoes in a proper manner in my cupboard and I know that if I leave it for another day, she would personally kick out my shoes and hence gone my lovely collections. How many pairs do I have again? Well, trust me, you duwanna noe. 

So, that aside. I tried planning reunions and stuffs but hey, somehow nothing works out. And that does get on my nerves. I mean, it is the hols season and this is the time we, college students should be having get togethers with our school mates and stuffs kan? Neh. Apparently I am the only one who thinks so. So yeap, I gave up on that. 

And then comes the whole question of catching up with studies and finishing assignments and all. But don't you know me? I just can't work during the hols. It as though there is a chip embedded in me that is refusing me to look at any books or anything that is of that academic nature. Hence, my days are spent either lepak-ing with the ladies of the house, cuddling the children-which are getting heavier day by day and just on FB. And here. I mean, I love to write and I don't really care if anyone reads. As long as I do what I like and what that keeps me happy. 

Talking about the children, well, it is just amazing to wake up everyday next to Ruby and the morning kisses that Dino gives me. They love me spoiling them and I am having fun doing it. Mum is worried though. She says that she can't be sitting around feeding them by hand once I return to college. But hey, children means we have to feed them kan? Kan? Trust me, mum never argues with that concept of mine. 

And with that, life is actually pretty laid back though there is like a million things running in my head and heart. The usual. I am just having a positive spirit and believing that I can handle the next hurdle thrown my way. Not that I am not wishing that there won't be one. I really do. But, the warrior woman in me knows that life doesn't work that way. 

At least I had one date in the last week!

Right. And that would be the cue for me to shut up. You know that I can go on and one when the life topic comes up. I will save that for another day k folks? Have a great day ahead while I seriously go find something productive to do. And if you do see me in FB, chase me away k? Love you people! 

Worries and Doubts, Memories and Reminders.

Things are getting tough you know. Reality is finally sinking in. Worries and doubts, memories and reminders, the last 10 months seem so far away now. Never in a million years I would have imagined sitting here today feeling this way. But then again, never in a million years I would have thought I would get through this period either. So, it is finally here. Dealing with this right now is tough, very tough. Even if it is not me who is living it, I am the one with the worries, doubts, memories, and reminders.
Funny how I thought things would be so different. Funny how I believed in that too. I always say that when you believe, you can get anything done. You can get all that you ever wanted. I believed, whole-heartedly. I did and today, even that is gone. I now know that even with believe, you always get what you deserve to get not what you want, even if you think you deserve what you want. The next 2 weeks is probably going to be the toughest and later, even worse. Am I prepared?
I honestly have no idea. All that I know is that I don't want to sit here right now feeling this way. I want to just rip out my soul, place it in my jewellery box and hide the keys. At least for the next hour. Or at least till this emotions pass through and I stop thinking and feeling. Been a while since I sat this way. Been a while since it seemed real. Been a while since I reminisced.

Love with a love that is more than love itself. :)

"I really need you in my life

No matter what I have to do, I will wait for you"

Yes, that is a line from Eliot Yamin's "Wait for you". I have had this song in my playlist forever and listening to it somehow always makes me feel all mushy and romantic on the inside. I know that it is the perfect song for those with a hole in their hearts. But somehow, this song also reminds us single girls what truly is LOVE. I know that I have been talking about Love and all that a lot recently. But hey, I am Miss Love and this topic will never bore me. 

I think I just found my spark back. A couple of weeks ago I sat in a huge dilemma questioning my own views on Love. I went through what I would call an identity crisis of my own, where this particular topic is concerned. I know that reading a new novel or watching a new movie or even listening to a fellow friends love story does that to me. I start looking back at my own life. I make mental lists and I analyse each and every character put forth. And just like that, I started on a novel a few weeks back and with that I made a few alterations to my own principle of LOVE. Even after finishing that particular novel, I just couldn't get a few things out of my mind. It was as though my entire notions and ideas about LOVE was being questioned. It is not overboard to say that I went on a journey to look for myself, my ideas and my principles on LOVE. 

So, where do I stand today? The same place I was a few years ago. I just can't help it. I love LOVE and I am in love with LOVE itself. People tell me all the time that I am as such due to the fact that I have never been in a relationship of this nature before in my life and as such do not know how it feels to get my heart broken. Well, I agree. But partially. I did get my heart broken. Just not this way. The thing is, I am a person who believes in LOVE so much because I grew up with those traditional fairytales and I lived through characters such as Cinderella, Rapunzel, Snow White and so on. So, I truly believe that there is a prince charming out there for each and every of us. 

But then again, I am pretty sane too. So yes, there is a prince charming for me. But I know that he is not perfect. He is not tall, dark and handsome. He is not the wealthiest one around with a big car and a big house and all the money in the world. He will not look at me as though I am the only girl around, the way the Prince did when he saw Cinderella. He will not cross mountains and climb walls just to see me, the way Rapunzel's Prince did. He will just be another guy in this world who will love me for who I am. He will see what millions of other guys missed, appreciating me, my inner beauty and my personality. He will wipe away my tears and look after me the way he can, not the way I want him to. He will do all that he can and when that time comes I will hold him dearly in my arms, heart and soul. I will fight. I will argue. I will get on his nerves and I will let him get on mine. But I will never let him go in a million years because I know how special LOVE is. So, when cupid strikes, I believe that it will strike forever.

That my dear girls, is what I call believing in LOVE. Love is not all that it is cracked up to be. It is not about the candlelight dinners, roses, and the I LOVE YOU messages and utterance. Love is about being there for him and letting him be there for you, now and forever. 

People walk in and walk out. That is life.

There is a reason why people walk into your lives and a reason why they leave. This is a concept that I hold on to. I don't know why but recently, with things happening around me and the situations that I find myself in, I have come to believe in this statement. Truthfully and whole-heartedly.
Let's analyse it one at a time shall we? Why is it that someone that you did not know a few months ago suddenly becomes the person you run to? Someone to count on? Or so you believe? If you really look at it closely, there is no answer to that except for the fact that it is meant to be so. Am I confusing you? It is indeed a complex theory that I am fascinated with. A year ago someone who I thought would keep me very happy and was the centre of my universe now means a little to nothing to me. Was it due to situations that I had my thoughts changed? Or was it how I changed that my mind and heart did too?

I can never explain why there is such a complexity in our human relationships. But, this much I know. Everyone you meet, is meant to teach you something. Something you already know, or something new. We have to be humble enough to be able to see and learn from their thoughts, actions and words. Sometimes, the best lessons are the most painful ones or the most subtle ones. So, if someone new walks into your life, welcome them with open arms and if someone old leaves, let them go, with an open heart.

In between of a sneeze and a long nap, inspirations strikes!

ACCCCCHHHHHOOOOM!

Yes, I am sick. Not sick as if in I need to be hospitalised kinda sick but sick as if in I am parked in my bed with a big box of tissue and I can't stop sneezing. Thank God the cough hasn't started. That just irks me. But having this headache and runny nose isn't all nice you know. Ya ya ya. Should go see the doctor and stuffs but I think my immune system is pretty good enough to recover itself that no, I am not going to the doctor. I love him but I seriously don't like taking meds, makes me feel so vulnerable and all that. 

Today was very tiring and that partially adds to this sickness. Been out since 7 in the morning and just returned. Was it worth it? Hmmmmmmm. Trust me, you don't want me to get started on that!

So, let me just rant before I go crash for good. I'm already partially in lala land right now.

Let me tell you why we should not ever depend on people for our own happiness. Pretty random huh? 

Well, people are never going to be there for you forever. Sure, they say it. But that is an illusion. You think you know who are being truthful to you and who are not. Truth is, you don't and no one is. Life is meant to be lived dependent on yourself. Only you are responsible of your actions and your happiness. Never ever depend on someone else to put a smile on your face. That is danger, in neon green flashing lights! You don't need anyone else. You need yourself! Seriously!
Instead of finding someone to love you, start loving yourself, flaws and all. Instead of leaning on someone else when thing get rough, lean on yourself. Find that inner courage and hold on to it. And instead of hugging someone else and crying, try crossing your arms around yourself, hold yourself tight and cry. I know that this could sound ridiculous, but hey, it does work! 

So, conclusion is, no one cares about you, apart from family that is and close friends. But that doesn't mean that they are going to care forever. So, stop depending on people and start looking at yourself in a whole new light. As impossible as it sounds, you may think that you are weak, but in reality, you are not. Don't be afraid to be whoever that you wanna be. You only got one life. Make it worth it! 

When your "Once upon a time" does not end with "Happily ever after".

"Sometimes I wish I had all that I ever wished for"
Familiar? That is us. You and me. And her and him. We all have regrets, don't we? Every little lie that ever left our mouths, every heart that we broke, and every time we let our hearts open a little. The biggest fear that us humans have is to get our hearts broken. And that fear my friend, is not one that can be cured.
I rose today to find a beautiful comment left in my blog inbox. It was anonymous and I have no idea who it is. But what she said did make sense. In a way at least.
Why is it that we fail to open up our hearts after getting it broken? Or do we? Truth is, we do not fear pain, we do not fear rejection. We fear the future. The future, tomorrow, the day after, a month from now, a year from now. It is the future that we fear. What if someone who promised to be there forever leave? Or what if love does run out?
My dear sister, as much as I write on love and believe in it, I too have got my heart broken. Not in the very traditional way, but I did. The term I believe is "unrequited love". It hurt. Real bad. And today, I have not found the courage to love another human the way they deserve to be. I am sure that, that is the case with you too. But the difference here is that I believed in love and I still do.
You can never control the future. It happens. And most of the times, it isn't all sunshiny. Love is like that too. One bad experience is enough to shun us away from love and that my friend, is wrong. Love is perfect. Humans are not. We make mistakes, and we have to move on from that. In love, you have to open up your hearts but place it with a shield. Am I making any sense here?
It is hard for me to write with a clear and conscience mind because all that you said is one that I have feared as well. But let me tell you this, you cannot force a person to love you. And you cannot force yourself to love another. You can walk around with a big lock in your heart but when someone tries picking on that lock, you have to let them to. Life, as I always say is very short. You can choose to live in the bitterness of a previous relationship or you can choose to put a band aid on that wound and start all over. I know, the first sounds way easier doesn't it? But that isn't the solution.

Take it this way. I said this once to a friend who was going through the same. The game Love works this way. Imagine a big pond full of fishes. And just because you caught one and wanted to eat it so badly, yet had to let it go because it bit your finger, it doesn't mean that if you tried again you won't catch another fish. So, put a band aid on the wound and throw the fishing rod again. And what if the entire event happens again? What if another fish bit your finger? Well, let it go again. Put a band aid again and throw the rod again. So what if you have to do it a million times? It only makes the final catch so much more worth it doesn't it?
So to you who asked me why we do not love after having our hearts broken, the answer is that we want to. We really really want to but we are afraid of the future. We are afraid of things repeating itself when in reality even a child knows that lighting doesn't strike the same place twice. If you really believe in love, open up your heart but put a shield over it. The one who deserves your heart will find a way to break through that shield.  You gotta believe me on that. Trust me, he exists. Out there somewhere. Don't go looking for him and yet don't put a barrier that wouldn't let him find you. I say, open up your heart a little, and let him find you. Darl, you deserve that much!

The 3 C's- Chaos, Children, Cuteness-overloaded!

Yihaa people! Wassup? How has the last 3 days of your life been like? Well, it is exactly 3 days since I last wrote and life has changed for me. In a very very non-dramatic kinda manner. I mean, at least I have new visions of the teaching world.
Yeap, my whole journey in this school has left me a little breathless. I mean, it is not like I have this sudden major philosophical belief nor am I overwhelmed in total. I just went through what I would call a "personal" alteration to the attitude.
One of the main things that I have learnt is to never let myself go. To never let anything ever change how cheery I am in the mornings. The first thing I realised was how moody the teachers were. Don't get me wrong. They were nice. They just weren't very nice early in the mornings, especially on Monday morning in which we were ignored and looked at as as though we were terrorists wanting to take over the school. Dramatic much? Oh trust me darls, that is what that happened! So yes, a personal oath has been made. I promise myself to never forget to smile to the students and other teachers in the mornings no matter how sleepy I feel. I am so not letting the morning cheeriness go! That is a part of me!
And talking about being nice and all, I realised that I still haven't got the "strictness" button in me yet. I just couldn't scream or shout at those tiny ones, no matter how much they got out of hand. I just couldn't. I seriously gotta find a way to get that embedded in me. A fellow close friend was telling me yesterday how she shouted at a few students because they were talking in the exam hall. I was so shocked! I mean, I never in a million years would have imagined her to be strict but she did what she was supposed to do and I am proud of her. But then again, me? Well, I never believed in teaching people while they feared you. That is just wrong. So, I still can't seem to get it in me that it is okay to scold your students at times. Yeap, gotta work on that.

I learnt a lot, that I am sure of. But, there is just so much that I can share and some parts of it will remain in me forever. You all know how I don't shut up once I start talking kan? Duwanna bore you in this beautiful Wednesday night! So, have a good night folks while I start on my next piece. Love you people a lot!

Looking for Love?

Why do people fall in love? "To be happy". Alright good, there's an answer. "Coz they wanna have someone to lean on" "No, it's coz they just wanna show off". That was me asking those questions a few years ago and some of the answers I remember hearing. I have ever since always asked that particular question and the answers I received have not changed much over the years.
LOVE. The big L word. What is LOVE really and how on earth do we know we are in LOVE? Pretty sane question for a Sunday kan? The reason I am writing on LOVE is because well, i am Miss Love after all and it has been quite some time since I went anywhere near this particular topic. The reason? Well, I seem to be questioning all my fairytale believes recently and even I know that writing when I am not sane could very well mean that I am digging my own grave.
I have always been fascinated with LOVE. The whole concept of falling head over heels for someone, doing things you never imagined you would in a million years and of course, rush of emotions that people swear is so worth it. But being fascinated with the joy of LOVE also means being cautious with the pain of it. And that my friend is the reason why most single people choose to remain single for a long long time. I have had friends who worked themselves outta one failing relationship to only fall into another one. This people, in my most humble opinion could not really be blamed. They just wanted to get things right. They wanted to score in areas that they failed. I know that this does not sound too romantic but hey, really. Think of it.
So LOVE after all is not about ROMANCE? Hmmm. Partially. Love to me means being there for someone through it all. Through hell and through heaven. It means giving without expecting anything in return. It means having someone to look after. Love means being selfless.
And that LOVE is not one that you find. It finds for you. If you are not ready to give, then don't gear up to ask. It is a fairly simple policy, really. We are so occupied in asking without knowing that we don't deserve to be granted the magic to love and be loved in returned. So the first step towards finding your respective prince and princesses, stop asking. Start giving. And well, the rest as they say, will happen by itself. Life does not revolve just around you and sure as hell Love doesn't too.

Detoxing and all that. :)

And hence the detox period has started baby! Yeap, I was so high last week that I said and did stuffs that was so not me. Trust me, my mangsa's would tell you amazing, eye-ball wrenching out stories of that. But hey, life is just so freaking short right? So, nope, no regrets. Anyway, talking about being high, just so that none of my relatives or dad's friends or mum's people see this and automatically assume that I was high on alcohol or drugs, lemme clear the air. I was high on COFFEE! Yeap, I don't know why but I get high on coffee! I feel this adrenaline rush, heart starts pumping really fast, a tiny swing of light-headedness...the whole package. I was stressed out last week that I depended on pain meds and coffee to keep me sane. Nope, I am not proud of what I did and I humbly take ownership of any damages done throughout that period of being insane, not that I can think of any right now, but ya.
Anyway, it is the next phase of S.B.E on Monday. I am stepping into SK Simpang Lima 1 and I have no idea what to expect. I have been to schools and each experience has left me with a little bit more passion towards the entire teaching profession so I am definitely looking forward to meeting and chatting with the little ones. But knowing myself really well, I know that going with no expectation whatsoever is the best. So nope, I am just gonna keep my mind clear and walk in with all the confidence in the world even if I have a million butterflies mating in my tummy on Monday morning.
And speaking about butterflies, I have a very important issue to be brought up which will be discussed in the next post. You know what butterflies are significant for don't you? Yeap, the big L word. So, wait for it k? And with that, lotsa love, hugs and kisses from me. Happy SBE folks!

Ps: I definitely miss this carefree way of writing. Gotta seriously keep this spark!