H.U.M.A.N.S.

I used to have this rule of not writing when I don't feel love or joy. And then I realised I wouldn't feel love or joy if I didn't write. Blogging is an easy thing. Anyone can just sign up and start writing and being an avid blogger for the last few years of my life, it is really funny how now when I open up a blank post, I am searching for words to type. I don't know whether it is me who has changed or it is the world who has changed me. Cliche? I feel so too.
There is so much I want to say and each word is like a sword to me right now. I need to find the right ones so that I don't swing my sword the wrong way. The topic of the day is humans and let's hope I stay sane throughout this post.
They say that life is not worth living if you did not have anyone by your side. What's the point of having all the wealth in the world if you did not have anyone to share it with? What's the point of living in a big house if the house is filled with nothing but silence? Heard that before? I am sure we all have listened to the argument of wealth versus relationships and we have picked sides. I have too. But putting all that aside, the comparison of wealth thrown away and I am left asking what is relationship after all?
We shall not talk about bonds that are made of blood. Let's talk about bonds that we create with other people. I consider myself a very tolerant person. I can bite my tongue back and take a deep breath and let things go. But if you push me to the brink, you will find me explode and boy, that is not a good sight. I hate being this way, that much I can say. But every day of my life now seems to be such a big struggle with difficult people that I am honestly at lost at how to just push everything aside and start fresh.
Guess its true then. Never ever trust, love or care too much? I wish I learnt that a little earlier. Have you ever felt trapped in your own emotions that you just want to sit in a corner and cry or just start punching everything you see? Have you ever wished you did not feel the way you feel? And have you ever just wanted to hide under your bed never to be found again? I know that I cannot change the way other people are. Their behaviours, personality or life. But I can change the way I deal with them. I just wish my conscience agreed with me a little on this and not put up such a tough fight. I wish I am not easily affected but I am. I wish I was as strong as people deem me to be. And really, I wish I did not write this.
I am holding on to the believe that I am a blessed person with so much in me that little petty issues such as this is nothing when compared to how magnificent I am. I am holding on to every ounce of courage I have in this matter and I am drawing strength from my own smiles and happiness. If there is something I want to tell the world today it is this:
That person you are smiling with in that photograph, he/she will change and he/she will walk away. Tough as it seems, unneeded as it feels, stop for a moment and ask your heart if he/she is worth fighting for. And please do me a favour will you? Please listen to your heart.

The Vaseline friend. :)

If there is one truth that is hard to conceal, it is who we are and how far we have come. We all carry baggage of truth in us as we slowly live life adding more to that weight with every person we come across and every memory we build. We all carry stories, stories of us, stories of other people and mostly stories of who we wish one day to be. Today, I want to revisit a past memory and tell you a story from there. My wish for you is to take something from this, and never forget it. 

The setting is Klang general hospital, year 2012, the men's ward. A young boy of about 22 lay motionless on the hospital bed. His eyes have a distant look and his face is naturally painted white. He is the hero of this story. If you look at him, you see all the reasons why hospitals can be nauseating to some. His face show you the pain of being there and his mannerisms easily spot that of one who has given up in life. Then when you slowly look down, away from the pained expression he has to offer, you see the reason why he is as such. He lost a leg in a terrible accident. Where there should be a limb, there are just bandages. At this point, you would look away, your heart will leap in shock and you will start thanking God for your own limbs. Honestly, how many of us really do that? You know, appreciate the limbs and parts of body that we have? None? Read on. 

I met this boy in a very strange way. How I wouldn't want to tell, it is quite personal. But he was my friend for a solid one week and I learnt so much from him that if I had the chance to meet him back, I will do it in a heart beat. I don't know his name, I barely remember how he looks but I can still feel the joy in me that I had back then talking to him. Thanks to my quite good skills in making friends, we clicked. We were two different human beings, that's for sure. I struggled to speak in the language he did and he struggled to learn English words from me. But, there was something real in him. He understood life. 

Today, I look at a bottle of Vaseline and I remember him. It's a sudden thought. A sudden flashback. The feelings are real though. Its a bottle of Vaseline that bonded us and today I have no idea where he is or how he is. I don't know whether his girlfriend did leave him after the accident just as how he feared or she stayed on, just as how I told him she would. I don't know whether he managed to find another job and is slowly climbing the ladder of success or he let his disability stand in the way, though I swear I know he wouldn't. There is so much that I don't know. And today, this bottle of Vaseline reminds me of that. 

So, what's the point of me telling you this story? Well, here's the thing. Everyone you meet is never going to be there forever. People will move in and then out of your lives. Remember that. And also remember that regret can be a tough enemy. So, the ones that mean the world to you? Hold on to them. Never ever let time push away people from you. I am saying this today because I regret not going back to visit him, not having any contact with him or simply not remembering him. Now all I am left with are memories of a good friend that I made a long time ago in one of the most strangest place of all. And now, I regret this. 

 

A better, bolder self. :)

Woke up to a beautiful morning today with way better thoughts and feelings. That is definitely due to the fact that I am around people who love me and who I love. So yes, who you are with at every moment of your life makes a big difference in your happiness. I am in a much better state compared to when I wrote last and I am definitely grateful for that. However, there is this tiny part in me that fears how the next few weeks would be like. But, like they say, let's leave the future unknown and concentrate on the present.
Today I would like to talk to you about the self and it's need to be accepted. The self as how I would define it, is completely unattached to our physical being. My argument being that when we leave Earth for another realm, we do not take our physical being with us. The self is made up of our thoughts, feelings and emotions. I don't know about you but understanding my "self" is proving to be tougher than what I initially anticipated it to be like.
The need to be accepted and loved is something we all experience, even if we do not want to. I would say that this is where our control of our self is important and yet as much as we try we fail, to an extent. There will always be a handful of people or one very special person to whom we want to experience love and acceptance. Of course many of us fall into the trap of wanting it in a bigger scale that when we don't, life just seems like one big black hole. I think the problem with us humans is that nothing is enough for us. We want more and that could prove to be a big problem indeed.
How do you tell yourself that it is okay to live with no company at all? Why is it that physical touch and emotional bonding means the world to me? Someone told me yesterday that the only way to be happy is to never have feelings. That kinda made sense to me but definitely not something I would uphold. I choose to treasure every memory that I have with the people around me and I choose to love everyone that I meet along the way. Of course, with that love, I am getting scarred.
My need of acceptance I think purely comes from the basis of wanting to be accepted for who I am. This really really complex being with a very simple philosophy in life. I want people to be able to see what I do in them and to respect and love me for that just as how I do it in return. That is a problem i would say. I won't lie to you and say that it does not hurt when I do not get what I gave in return. I am working on that. On fixing that aspect of me. The day will come in which I will never expect. I will give and it wouldn't hurt when people try to hurt me. And on that day, you will see me smile the biggest smile ever. I am hopeful.

Of the analogy of a leaf, happiness, and moving on.

Imagine this. A leaf that is floating down a river, not knowing where it's going, trusting the flow of current and wishing so badly that it is still intact to its roots. A slight shift of wave and it quivers, panics, holds on tight to whatever that is nearby and in that moment, a sort of blankness overpowers the atmosphere touching lightly on its conscience, reminding it, that after all, it is just a leaf.
If you made it through that paragraph without wondering what on earth I am talking about, then I thank you. You just got a glimpse of how I feel right now. I am that leaf and the waves are just too strong. It has taken me a very long time to write this. Too many wasted drafts and unshed tears later, I am here now. I have taken an oath not to let circumstances, people and situations change the way I think or feel and yet the past few weeks have been a constant struggle.
If there is one thing I can tell you for sure, relationships are tough. You get too emotionally attached to people and when suddenly you are thrown in a deep end, everything starts hurting. It is really so funny how fast life can change and how much life can rob you off your happiness. I am not saying that I am unhappy. I am happy, very much indeed but the little snippets of my life and tiny memories are forcing me to think otherwise. It's like a tunnel of thoughts that is haunting me trying to take away my joy.
I do not like the fact that I am penning this down but without doing so, I know I won't be able to move on and the way I feel right now is not something I like. I am not proud to admit that I have let negativity overshadow me but I am learning, and it might be a slow process but I am getting there. I am wishing for some sort of magic to just be dusted on me that I wake up from this torturous dream to be the person I was a few weeks back. Yet, I know I must find that magic within me. May I be blessed with the serenity to accept that which I cannot change and to embrace my individuality enough that I do not let situations and difficult people hold me back. Honestly, may I be blessed enough.

Be who you are. Be amazing.

I want to write this down because I just feel so happy for no reason in particular and to think that I have waited my entire life to feel this way is just so so amazing. I am telling you, this emotion, this feeling of being indescribably happy is one that I wish every one of you could experience. We are so caught up with being jealous with another person's success, with what we don't have, with all the troubles and problems that we believe life is giving us that we forget how truly beautiful life is. Take a minute and look around you. Really absorb your surrounding. What would life be like without that chair you have that you are sitting on, your high-tech phone that you are holding or how about the people around you? How would you feel if you just woke up tomorrow and found out life is nothing but an illusion? I would freak out!
Honestly, with all your heart, say a loud "thank you". Give thanks for what that you have and trust me, you will feel your life change. The first words that come out of my mouth every morning is "thank you". I am grateful for every little thing that I have and for all the people in my life, for the experiences I am given and honestly, I feel like a magical being. I know this sounds so out of your world, but trust me, life can only be beautiful if you start appreciating what you have. That problem you are facing is just in your mind. There is nothing that you can't do, no worlds that you can't conquer and no tunnels that you can't light up with your amazing willpower! You are perfect, the way you are. Never ever let circumstances, time, people or anything at all take that away from you. Be who you are, be amazing.

The day I met an angel and understood the word "teaching". :)

I am amazed at how life works and I am in that, "So, this is how GOD plays" kinda mindset right now. I must tell you this, and I must do it here because this is that kinda post, you know the one in which I would return to in a few years, drawing strength from. And here we go, the second post of the second practicum phase.
I was having a few bad days and I think it was basically due to the fact that my heart, mind and soul told me what a great teacher I am. And all that confidence, love I had for what I was doing, passion you may say crumbled into pieces, leaving me with a shattered heart after my first observation with my lecturer. She is a nice person, mind you, it is just how much things went so wrong at that one time that honestly made me contemplate my profession, something I swear I never saw myself doing. And just as I was recovering from that blow, shifting my focus to accommodate someone else's teaching principle (yes, something I never saw myself doing too), I was struck once again. This time by my CT. She is a wonderful woman too. I suppose I am just not lucky when it comes to observations. Anyway, I walked out of class that day, went to my place in the Bilik Gerakan, put my head down and was lost. I was just lost. I'll tell you exactly how it felt. Imagine walking out of your house and suddenly you are not able to see. You don't know where you are and yet your vision is blurred. You don't know how to return home and at that moment you wonder if at all you would be able to. That is how I felt. A million thoughts in my head and a million needles pricking my soul.
It is a terrible way to feel, trust me. So after the last bell rang, I signed out, and took a long walk to the taxi stand. I stood there for what felt like hours, still playing the scenes of what happened in class in my head, not understanding why it happened to me.And just about then a taxi stopped and the uncle asked me where I was going. I told him, he nodded his head and I got in. Who would have thought that one ride home would change my life because that is precisely what it did. That uncle who I would probably never cross paths with again in this busy KL city taught me, a teacher what teaching is.
It was a good solid 2 minutes since I got in when he suddenly asked me, "Are you a teacher, ma?". I was stunned to be taken away from my thoughts for a second. I regained composure, smiled and said, "Yes, I am a trainee teacher". He said, "Oh, still on your practicum". I smiled again, really not wanting him to continue. I wasn't in the mood for small talks. But he was. He continued. He asked me, "Why did you choose to be a teacher?". I took a deep breath. This is going to be a tough conversation I thought. I told him how my mum wanted me to be a teacher and how I wanted her to be happy. I insisted on how little her decision had to do with it because I would never let anyone make a decision for me. It was entirely mine. I made the decision to make her happy. This time he smiled and he asked me the next question which was a life changing one. He said, "Do you like your job?". I was thrown back and I went dumb. He waited. I was quiet. He waited again. I was still quiet. I did not know what to say. My mind did a flashback on what happened that day and then it did a major flashback, playing scenes of the past. I thought about how happy I was on the very first day of my S.B.E, how I had fallen in love with children that day, how my S.K.B.T kids used to tell me they loved me so much because I made English seem easy, how just that week my year 2 kids who did not understand a word of English danced in class with me to Old McDonalds, the happiness in their eyes and that amazing feeling of "Oh my goodness, they are actually enjoying my class" which I had, Mr. Mano who always tells me what a great teacher I will make, the children who queue up just to "salam" me before going back or my now Year 5 kids who go "Yeay Miss Raeva is here" when I walk into class, I thought about all that and even more. I thought about how much I loved waking up to go to school even if I just had an hour of sleep the night before, about how seeing little kids running around aimlessly makes me so so so happy, and about how much I knew I am good at what I do. In that few seconds that he asked me that question, a million scenes played in my head and I answered, "I love my job. Teaching makes me so happy that I cannot see myself doing anything else in my life". This time he smiled and said, "Good. That is what you should say. I know teaching is difficult but loving what you do would make the work seem so easy and effortless". Honestly, that was something I needed to hear and I was listening to it come from a random man. When I reached my hostel I paid him, told him a heartfelt thank you and told him it was really nice meeting him. He said, "We will meet soon" with a little smile. I don't know whether GOD sent him to me or it was just a really nice person whom I met. But that day. in that taxi, magic happened.
I walked back to my room with a big smile on my face. So what if someone else thinks I am too strict in class? I know I am not. I can never be strict. I know I have a good rapport with my kids. So, what if someone else thinks my "Hocus Pocus, Everybody focus" chant is silly? I know it is not and I know my kids love it. Why would I get lost when I love my job? Why would I change my principles of teaching when I know that style suits my kids? Seriously, why would I? The only people I should be bothered about are my kids. I am a good teacher. I take time and plan my lessons. I praise every little good thing my kids do and I reprimand their misbehaviours. I always incorporate the word "fun" in my lessons. I make sure each and every one of them understand what I am teaching. I give as much personal attention as I can, I tell them to come see me if they don't know something. I treat them as my own children. I know they love me and I love them. So, why should I be bothered, again?
That is a lesson that I wish every trainee teacher would remember when things get tough. I wish they would meet that wonderful person whom I met. I wish so badly that each and every one of us always remember what a great feeling it is to go to school and change someone else's life, because we teachers are honestly blessed to be able to do that. Being on practicum is not easy. You have so much to deal with. Lecturers, cooperating teachers, school administration, other teachers, etc. You will see how theory never works in real life and you will have to listen to people saying how when you are a "real teacher" you won't be bothered about writing long reflections or preparing teaching materials because you would be burdened with desk jobs, something that I honestly hate hearing. I know I will never compromise on the quality of my teaching no matter what happens and yes, I am honestly waiting for the time to prove them all wrong. You will learn the valuable lessons that would shape your teaching career in a very hard way and surprisingly, you would be happy learning it. Till that happens, till I graduate, till I understand the word "real teacher", I am not giving up, no matter what anyone says and no matter what happens. I am tough.

Ps: Thank you random stranger, whoever you are and wherever you are, thank you. You changed my life.
Signing off as Miss Raeva.

The phase 2, first practicum update!

The rule of teaching: Never ever give up.
The reality: Cry yourself to sleep but wake up stronger.

It has taken me a very long time to write my first post on my second phase of practicum because I was shy. Shy to tell you that of all people I knew, I never once expected myself to give up on teaching. And I did just that last Monday. Monday was one of the toughest days I have ever had to encounter in my teaching life. Imagine entering a class of little 8 year olds who not only did not understand what you said but did not bother trying to? How would you feel? Well, I broke down because I did not know what I am supposed to do. Here is what happened.
My practicum partner who is also a close friend and I are supposed to take one period per week dedicated especially for the KSSR syllabus. We will be teaching Language Arts and yes there is evaluation plus observation for this. I love literature and hence I really like Language Arts. I was looking forward to this especially since sharing a classroom with another teacher is something I like. Funny, I know. Anyway, that Monday was the very first day that we met our kids. Our year 2 kids who will be our little "Language Arts Experiment". And all hell broke lose. They did not understand a word that I said. Not even a word. Oh that is not the bad part of it. The fact that I stood there for a good solid 30 minutes just teaching them 3 basic rules, using all the gestures, associations, pictures, body language that I can and then checking with them if they did understand anything, getting chorused with a yes, feeling better and finally when my friend took over the class, I had the first speechless moment of my career. You know what happened? She asked them, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". And the entire class, about 30 or so kids chorused back, without missing a beat, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". Yeap, they just repeated her question. They did not understand anything I told them. Yeap, nothing. And mind you, we are talking about a school which is situated in the heart of Bangsar. An urban school. My mind when blank, my heart cringed a little, I felt numb, as though a million needles were poking me through and it is bleeding but there is no pain. Yes, the first speechless moment of my teaching career. That broke me down. Why? I was just overwhelmed with too many emotions at once. Sad for these kids, feeling a little pressure from my conscience urging me to do something to change them, and above all, the "what if I can't do anything" feeling returned. It is really horrible to feel insecure in something you know is your passion. So, that night I cried myself to sleep, I told myself to not give up no matter what happens and well, honestly, I have no idea what this Monday is going to bring to me. I am looking forward to it though.
As for the rest, well, I am teaching year 5 once again and this time my kids are different. They are not attention-seekers, they fear me a little (why, I have no idea) and they surprise me a lot! I will tell you about them another day. Wait for it ya?
Well, whatever happens, at the end of the day I am just telling myself that I am an awesome teacher. Now the hard part is, believing in it.

Signing off as Miss Raeva.

Welcome practicum!

You know what I wanna do? I wanna sit next to someone and say that I am confused. I wanna watch the confusion that I feel in me displayed in their face when they hear me say that. I know, ridiculous. But that is how I feel and no, you don't get to tell me to feel a certain way. I am confused because I don't know what am I supposed to feel. My second phase of practicum starts next week and I shouldn't really be scared or anything since I have been through this once. I should really be calm and yet look at me. Walking around as though I am going for war next week. *slapsforehead* So typical me.
I had an amazing first phase of practicum. Beautiful children who loved me, a cooperating teacher who was so supportive, practicum partners who made practicum feel like one big happy party and a wonderful observing lecturer whom I was blessed to be around. I loved my first phase of practicum. So, what? Well, what if all these happened just so I would have a terrible second practicum? What if I just crumble under pressure this time around? I am not even at home. Family won't be there to glue my broken pieces together. Honestly, I am terrified.
You can never truly know what to expect you know. What if I end up compromising myself, giving up or even doubting my own abilities, ya I get it, I am already doing it. But still, so many questions of "What if". I don't know why but I feel confused, like really really confused. *sighs*
So ya, I need to divert my thoughts. I need something to wipe away this doubts. Where or what is this something? I have no freaking idea!

Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on. :)

Tears and more tears. When someone mentions the word "love," your heart is ripped in ways no one, even you thought is possible. How do you explain what you feel? Every part of your brain is embedded with memories, memories so distant to the mind but close to the heart. Do we really move on from that? Is forgetting someone you once loved, that difficult? How do you say "goodbye" for one last time and really mean it? If you could flush away thoughts of how your "once loved one" smiled, his/her smell, the way he/she used to tease you, all the "I love you's" said, the hugs exchanged and the hands which locked perfectly together, then life would be perfect, wouldn't it?
"MOVE ON" your brain screams at you and yet your heart whispers slowly, murmuring words of love that you never once knew could end. A terrifying experience, isn't it? 

People tell you that with time things would get better. They tell you how that girl or guy never really loved you and that you deserve someone way better, someone who won't break your heart. People hold your hands, trying to make you feel better. They pretend to listen to you as you go on and on about how much love you invested in, how screwed up you feel and how you wish it was all just a bad dream. And really tell me, how does it make you feel? More torn? More lonely? It should. 

Someone asked me this question today: "Why is it so hard to forget someone you once loved" I thought about it. And I decided I am not going to sugar coat words. Let me tell you the truth. We simply can't forget what was once ours. We may just "not remember" any longer with the passing years but forgetting? Impossible! 

That being said, remember this. You can't move on if that particular space is not filled with something else, something way better than what love offered you. I always say this: CONCENTRATE ON YOURSELF!
Love yourself the same way you would want someone to love you. That person who once walked out on you is not going to return. Get that first. Take a few days to swallow that fact. It is difficult, I understand. Cry, Eat, Sleep, Shop, do whatever you want to do. But always tell yourself that you are going to move on from this. Tell yourself that things would get better. Find someone who will just listen to you ramble and do just that. Talk non-stop. 

Let me also tell you this. There is no point picking up the phone, dialing, texting or staring at old messages. There is just no point chasing after something that is not meant to be. Trust me, I know this is tough to hear but you need to or else you will suffer for years to come holding on to just dust when you could have diamonds in your hands.
I don't promise you that things would get better now. I don't promise you that your pain will heal tomorrow. But I promise you that it will one day. You will wake up one day and find yourself healed. No visible scars or wounds. And when that day happens, no one will be able to wipe that smile off your face. You will be the stronger, bolder, just so much more amazing version of yourself. This is possible, just believe. 

So, how do you know for sure that he is serious about you?

I spent my day talking to a lot of humans. I mean, real humans with feelings, right, I am one too. Anyway, the reason why I did that is because while I was in my lecture hall today, trying so hard to pay attention to Madam Yash, I thought of  something. Something very relatable as a matter of fact. Each and every one of us go through that phase in our lives when we are forced to question our heart and soul on whether that person that we have become attached to for some time now, the one that has showered us with so much love and care and to whom we have done more for than we have now for years for anyone is truly "the one". I mean, how do we even make that decision? Tough one, really. And let's say that we think he/she is "the one" then how do we know for sure that he/she is serious about us. There you go. The start of something I never imagined myself getting confused with. I always thought that when you meet a person that is meant to be the one you spend the rest of your aging years with, you will somehow feel it in your bones that this is it, this is the life you have always wanted. I mean, moving away from heart, mind and soul, to me it was always feel it in your veins and bones. That is the romantic aspect of me speaking.
Let's get back to reality then. So how do we know for sure? True, I am still single and shouldn't get my head wrapped around such questions but knowing me, you would know that walking away from a doubt is really not my style. So I questioned everyone I met today. The question is fairly simple, "How do you know for sure that a guy or a girl is serious about you"
Well, I must say that I was given a lot of good answers. Friends told me how "you will somehow know" to "if he loves you and is serious about you, he will never give up on you". Many good answers and now I am left questioning where I stand on this matter. So, here we go.
I think a guy is serious when he starts looking at his life as you being a part of it. Every decision that he makes is done with you in mind as well. I don't dare answer in the viewpoints of guys so let's just make it as from the viewpoint of a single girl who has no idea what she wants but will not settle for less than what she deserves. I think that a guy is serious about you when he never lets his ego heighten to a level that would be toxic for the relationship. A guy is serious when he won't give up on you despite every heart ache that you put him into (that being said, there is a limit to this too). Lastly, how do you know a guy is serious? Well, stop whatever you are doing for 5 secs and reflect on things he has said to you, his actions in the past...are you a part of his future or only a part of his present life? Ask yourself that and I think you pretty much would have the answer.
As for me, well, there is still a long way to go. Let me be Miss Love for now, not Mrs Love. After all, like I always said, I am looking for a prince and as far as I know, princes are really serious when it comes to love! *dreamyeyes*

I cry, but I am not weak. I am just me.

My sister says that I have a ready water tap that bursts at the most random hours. Okay, I got your attention with that one statement. Don't run away yet, what I am about to say is very important. So, let me take a deep breath and start putting emotions into words. *breaths in...holds breath...breaths out*
I don't see myself as a weak person just because I cry. I know that I always say that life is all about making choices. We make choices in a daily basis. The choice to wake up and go to class no matter how tired you feel, the choice to smile at a stranger when you see them or not to, the choice to listen when a fellow friend is tearing your soul apart with words, the choice not to let emotions get in the way of setting mind goals, etc, etc. It's all a choice, right?
So, here's the thing with me. I cry easy. I cry when I am angry and can't direct that anger at that particular person who put me in such a position in the very first place due to certain circumstances, I cry when I feel myself giving up on something that I believe in, I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. So ya, I cry. It doesn't make me weak. How you ask? I'll tell you.
We cry because we have been strong for way too long. There is just so much that our hearts can hold in. That is how I see it as. But this whole thing isn't a choice for me and that is what that has been bugging me. I don't want to feel this way especially since this last week has truly been a roller coaster ride. Tears made its way through me, though I didn't want it to, for more than a few reasons this week. I thought I am done with it all and now here I am, justifying myself for what I did last week. *slapsforehead* 

I don't wanna feel myself letting go of who I am. I am me. I am not perfect, at all. I have principles and values. I am a picky eater. I cry. I laugh for no reason. I get attached to people easy. I think animals, especially dogs are more important than humans. Words hurt me more than actions ever can, no matter who it is. I read because I love to write. I have big dreams. I love getting to know people. I like listening to people talk. I think teddy bears are the world's most important invention. I am a big girl who is still very little on the inside and yet I am a small girl who is standing up against this big bad world. So ya, I cry but I am not weak. I am just me. 

Stringing words and emotions together.

This past week has been a confusing one for me. I have had quiet moments to really reflect on what I wanted in life and the answer was always the same, to write. I must say a large source of that insecurity comes from watching "Magic beyond words", a movie based on the life story of JK Rowling. She went from depending on the state government to one of the richest women in Britain within the span of 3 years. That is admirable. I have never really doubted myself when it came to writing. I love words, I love stringing them together and I love attaching emotions to it. However the real challenge to me is writing something that I don't experience or feel. I guess I am just not the kinda person that can tell a story from another persons point of view. At least, I don't see myself as such.
I have a story though. One that makes me revisit a past that I have buried. I am not good with that. I can't face something that has torn me in so many ways. Regret, guilt, tears. Too many negative words attached to one experience. I can't seem to find the courage to pen that story down though I know that, that is one I want to tell. Living in doubt of yourself and who you want to be is a rather torturous experience, you have to take my word for that. I guess, I am just finding for some solace. For peace within myself and for me to be able to write without having to break down. I gave myself 6 months. And in the deepest corner of my heart, I know that 6 months would not make much of a difference that 2 years have not. Once again, let's wait and see. I am holding on to the little voice in my head, whispering this is possible.

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most space in our heart.

At times I wonder why life is so unpredictable. The things that I used to want seem a little less than meaningful now to me. Right, and you are wondering why am I crapping on a lovely evening, I get it. I had an interesting mid term holiday. I didn't visit any historical place or any relatives. I did not go on a shopping spree and nope I did not have mini reunions. I did not spend my hours immersed in books nor did I really dwell into cooking. What I did was really to put it frankly, waste time. I wasted a lot of time which back then seemed like was a big sin. But looking back now, after the whole cleaning spree I had yesterday I think what I really did for this holidays is find myself. I hope I don't get lost again though, figuratively speaking. Anyway, I feel the need to pen this down today because I think I have finally found something that I have missed. I think that among those boxes that I opened, diaries dating back to when I was just a child written in my big handwriting and the letters of motivation to myself, cards received for birthdays, autograph books and so many more, I think I might have just found the reason I am put on this Earth. I know it, it sounds cliche, people say it all the time. But honestly, it's a feeling like no other. Makes you want to smile all the time, do random things and most importantly not be afraid of being who you are today. Who would have known that when you shoot an arrow of childhood memories to the heart, everything around you changes. Of course the change here is in how I am seeing things but it does make sense. 

I don't know why, I feel different. A better version of myself perhaps and maybe for once in my life, this would last. 

Blood and I am conquered.

I don't know how to explain exactly what I am writing or what this post is about. I feel burdened holding this in and I knew that I had to find some solace and some peace, which undeniably I have found in the past here in my blog. To you who is reading, I am not asking for anything more than a ear to listen. I am not okay. I have not been okay for the last 2 days and it has all got to do with a dream I had. I can't exactly remember what happened in my dream and I don't know why I don't. I am a person who can remember her dream. I dream a lot, trust me. But the moment I wake up, I would remember at least 2/3 part of my dream and it never used to be nothing more than a dream for me. Except for this one. I dreamt of blood. Lots and lots of blood. Blood from the ceiling, from the wall, from the ground. Blood. And trust me, I am getting goosebumps as I type this out. I only remember snippets of my dream, kinda like a bad movie that you watch that you don't want to remember but you do. It's there. Right there in my mind.
I did a little research on what does it mean to dream of blood and it said that I had some sort of deep emotional trouble that I need to get sorted out. That is a problem to me, because I don't know whether I am running from my emotions or I am really okay emotionally. Looking back at how my life has been for the past few months, I wouldn't say that its a perfect life, its far from that but it isn't imperfect. So, what is it then about this one dream that has got me restless? I just, I can't figure it out. And it's there. It's really bugging me. Maybe it is my fear of blood that has made this dream a little more than what it is supposed to be. Maybe that fear is conquering my mind, playing games with me. I just don't know. And not knowing is a horrible feeling.

Because life is a beautiful melody in which the lyrics are messed up.

If only we all could wake up to a life of perfection and if only things never changes as the day passes, would we all be happier then? I am asking this question today because we all walk different routes in life. Some of us walk in rockier roads then the rest. The roads that some of us take are often filled with too many mountains that we are forced to climb, too many stormy seas that we are forced to sail through and too many  clouded skies that we search for ways to wade through. People say that you should never give up. If you are going through hell, then keep going because somehow even hell has an end that you will reach and finally find way to ultimate peace and freedom. That's a concept that we are familiar with. But here's what people don't tell you. Here is what no one ever speaks about.
How difficult it is to keep going. How difficult it is for our minds and hearts to tell our body not to give up. To find the strength to climb mountains, sail through stormy seas and wade through clouded skies is not easy. People tell you the concept but no one tells you that finding emotional strength to win physical battles is the toughest form of reality. That is something that only people who walk through rocky roads know. How does one remain sane in a road that pierces through every layer of skin that u have causing a pain that no words can describe? Is this what is said as bleeding on the inside? You don't see it but you feel it. With every step and every move that you make, the wound deepens. 

This is not a sad post. This is not a sign that I am a depressed person. And this is definitely not me saying that I can't handle the world. This is a virtual hug to those who walk through rocky roads, to those whose emotional pain can't match to any cure the world has to offer and this is me saying that I understand. Somehow we are all the same. Taking baby steps in a road that is beyond anything we have all prepared ourselves for. And just like that, the road is long. 

And then I saw the number "8000". :)

Here's to the first 8000. Officially reached 8000 views today. Doesn't really matter that I only have 34 followers. What matters to me is this drive, passion and urge that I feel in my heart to chase that dream of becoming a writer. What that I would write though is still a mystery even to me. I would love owning a column in a magazine or newspaper in which  I talk about the reality, fantasy and practicality of love, relationships, struggles of being a women with attitude, bla bla. If you know me, you know the dream. Another part of me is still flooding that one folder on my desktop with short stories based on themes that matter to me, mostly death, womenhood, and love. I know I have come far. I know that when I first started this blog it was more of a personal diary and now people come up to me, buzz me occasionally telling me how they read one post or another and felt this deep connection to the words. That never fails to put a smile on my face. It just reminds me of how similar we all are, we fight the same masked demons, we battle life, some in our own ways. And then there are a few others who ridicule me, who mock me for what I am doing. Letting the world see a part of me. For having this big dream in me. But then again, I have always been the kinda girl that loves to prove people wrong. I know that its a long journey. I am not going to wake up tomorrow with a book deal or a contract in front of me. It will take time. More days, more years. I am just focusing on keeping this passion alive for now.
That being said, I want to thank each and every one of you who has ever read any one of my post. To those of you who look forward to what I write and to the minority of you who drop comments, I owe you people so much. So, let's toast to the first 8000. :)

What if one is better than two?

Marriage makes it possible for you to annoy one person for the rest of your life.
I read that earlier. And when you are 22, you are spose to be thinking of marriage. Okay, scratch that. I am thinking of marriage as I am 22. It's actually really depressing when people around you are getting married at an age in which you look to your left/right and there is no one there. I mean, I know I am a  girl who would never depend on a man for security nor happiness. But the thing is, I can't quite put my thoughts into why is it that marriage is seen as a necessity. I know that sounds weird coming from Miss Love herself. But ya.
Remember how I spoke about change in my last post? I told you that I can't see in which way I have matured. I think I see it now. Not in a broad view though but just where this subject of "marriage" is concerned. I used to say that I don't believe in arranged marriages and that every one of us should fall in love before tying the knot. The concept is simple. When you walk down the aisle on the day of your wedding, you must be able to look up and see that man waiting for you there with so much love that somehow your heart must whisper that this is who you have been waiting for. So, why settle for anything less than that? I wonder. So ya, I still preach on love marriages. The aspect of change comes in terms of wanting a marriage. I don't wanna get married just because I should get married. I don't really care anymore. If I find someone (or someone finds me) and that someone is "my" someone, then fine. Marriage is in the list. But, so what if I never find anyone? So what if the "my" someone doesn't exist. I'd still be happy. I would adopt about 10 dogs off the streets, a dozen children from various countries, write a book on how they have changed my life, and truly be happy. In fact, to think about it, I think I might be happier this way.
A friend told me that the only reason I am saying this is because I am still considered very young and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. True. I don't deny that. But really think about it. Marriage is not a necessity. And besides, how sure are you that the person you marry, the life you build under the name of love really lasts? How sure are you? So maybe just maybe, one is better than two? Worth thinking.

Because I am me.

I am not supposed to write a blog post right now. But then again, I am doing it because...erm...well, because I always do what I want? Yeap, pretty much. Anyway, this post has no topic in particular and I doubt that it will "touch" you in any way at all, though let's admit, I love doing that. But still, with exams and all, I need to release some tension and worry. So, where else do I go but here, right?
Anyway, I was intending to talk about change. How much I have changed over the years and how much that has affected me as a person. I think we all go through that sudden phase of not knowing how on earth we have arrived where we are right now. Ooookay, am I making sense here?
Change. It is a big word. We all have definitely changed in a way or other since, I dunno...about one year ago, two years ago, yesterday? Point is, we all have changed and change is not necessarily for the good. I don't like it when people I know and love look at me and tell me that I have "matured". I don't see it. I still find myself having a child-like behaviour, though not to everyone. But point is, why is it that as much as my age has increased, I don't think my maturity level has? Is it because I am scared of the world? Scared of responsibilities? That's an understatement considering what that I have been through and the responsibilities that I have shouldered. Deciphering this is tough, really.
The way I view myself is just so damn different from what people perceive me to be as and at times it bugs me that it is as so. I know I always say screw what people think but doesn't it bother you at times that this person, this whole individual that they assume you to be is not who you really are? Doesn't it bother you? Doesn't it tap at your conscience telling you to do something?
So ya, change. It is a big big word. How much I have changed? Well, you wouldn't see it. Because beneath this smile, this carefree personality and the "me" you see is a person that you might have met, but perhaps never given the chance to know. Is that for good or for bad? Guess I don't have an answer to that.

Life, Memories, Death, Love.

Life, memories, death, love. 4 words that I find myself entwined with. There is no such thing as people living forever and hence death is a term that we all will deal with, some now, some then and some in the near future. I am compelled to believe that in each and every one of our lives there is someone that death took away from us. Someone that our heart looks for even as our minds struggle with the thoughts of them not being here anymore. That's when memories hit us. Memories of good times, memories of laughter, and just everyday memories that back then did not matter as much as it does now. So where does life and love stand then? 

Life and love are holding hands mocking me right here on my face. Laughing at my inability to move away from memories and embrace life. Love on the other hand is looking at me with such sinister stare reminding me that I used to call myself, "Miss Love". Oh how much has changed!  

Those 4 words: Life, Memories, Death and Love. They all do nothing to me when looked at collectively. But break it down, take a word at a time and my knees wobble lightly, my lips quiver and my eyes give way. Despite knowing that everyone out there suffers their own battles, I can't break away from believing that maybe just maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe, just maybe, behind every word that I have listed, I deserve a little more than what it has offered me so far. 

Each word has a path of its own. Each word tears me down. And each word stabs at my soul. The funny part is that with each word, I feel a sense of pride. Maybe I don't deserve this. But I deserve the lessons I have learnt with each path that I took. 

PS: You mix a cup of comfort green tea with some old melodious songs, and this is what you get. 

A token of appreciation for someone who has always been my 'someone to count on'.

Brother. A word that I have not been accustomed to for almost 18 years of my life. I was not born with brothers. There are no male cousins in my life for me to call a brother or for me to annoy with love. I have a sister whom I love more than words can say and a handful of cousin sisters who some I love and some I don't have much to say about. I don't come from a perfect extended family, as you can see.
Family to me means my mum, dad, sister and Ruby and Dino. They are the ones that I truly trust and whom I know will never give up on me. In the midst of believing in that, I met someone very special who walked into my life casually, and decided to shower me with love. Why he did that and continue to do that is still a big mystery to me. We are not tied by blood but he is someone who has shown me the true meaning of brother. He is not afraid to tell me when I am wrong and he never gave up on me. I can honestly say that even if I had brothers of my own, it is still unsure that they would love me as much as he does. For the last 3 years of my life, I have had a baby brother who listened when I crapped, who wiped away my tears when I cried and who told me that I am stronger than anything the world throws my way. It is honestly a blessing to have met someone who cares for me the way he does. Here's to my baby brother who turns 21 today. I love you so much. This one is for you.
I want to thank you for the times you called me up to check on me.
The times you looked at me and told me to always count on you.
And for the times you stood by your words.
For the times you told me that I might not know what God has planned for me, but that it would always turn out good.
For the times you listened when I talked about how unfair life is.
For the times you helped me up when life knocked me down.
For the times you dealt with my familial problems.
For the times you gave me your time.
I want to thank you for who and what you have been to me.
A friend.
A guidance.
A light at the end of the tunnel
A person to believe, trust and count on
and a baby brother to annoy with love.
But most importantly, I want to thank you for calling me "akka" and actually treating me like one.
So, as you turn 21, i want to wish you the very best in life. You deserve it. Happy birthday Swaran!

If only we had answers to questions of "what if"

Words flow easy when you are feeling a certain way. A way that brings about questions of why. If you  know me personally, you would know how I say that we should never regret the decisions we take, the mistakes we make and the choices we choose from. Never live life in regrets. That's what I always said. And yet, a couple of days ago I sat opposite a good friend in a restaurant and held back tears as I thought of a memory of someone close to my heart. A memory that I can't seem to get rid of. That's what happens when you decide not to live life in regrets I spose.
How is it that something you felt was so right back then bites to the core when thought of now? I can't figure that out. I am not the kinda girl that holds back to people or things that hurt. I am the kinda girl that walks away when I know something is hurting me. But why is it that despite walking away, I am still haunt by memories? You know how sometimes we say that God puts people in our lives for a reason? To make us stronger? To weave something in us that last forever? I believe in that.
Then I spose that I should believe that this happened for a good reason too? My only question is of "what if". What if I choose differently back then? Will I still be the same girl I am today? Strong on the outside but broken into pieces on the inside. I guess that's an answer I will never know.

Of doing what you are not supposed to do as a practicum teacher! My tale!

The very first class that you are assigned to teach scares you for life. This one class, this first experience and this life that you have for merely four weeks will make a difference throughout your life as a teacher. Trust me when I tell you that I had it all figured out. I have been in lectures for months now in which we are "supposedly" prepared for the teaching world. We are told what to do, how to do it and why we should do it. We know the theories, we know the approaches and we are aware of the procedures of getting things done. Thing is, we are never told that none of that which we have studied for the past few semesters would make sense in school. I am not saying that it is pointless to go to college to study to be a teacher. I am just saying that 50% of what you learn in your teaching institution will not apply in schools.

True, I should keep my mouth shut as I am just starting to teach. What do I know? I am just a practicum teacher who has been entering classes for a week. Who am I to judge what happens in school? But, let me remind you again that it is the newbies that are able to see things from different perspectives. The new untainted ones are the ones that are able to truly tell you what really goes on in schools. Besides, its a free world, isn't it? So, here we go. My tale of my very first week of teaching. 

The first word that you utter in class makes a difference for the rest of your life as a teacher. The first thing that you say to your pupils will either make you or break you. That very first thing that you do in class is where you stand as a teacher. I knew that, perfectly well I must say. My friends had been talking about how important it is to make a mark as a teacher. To set boundaries as to how far you can let your pupils into your world. How important it is to be strict. To raise your voice when needed. To give a stern look. I had been listening to all that the whole day. I even looked at myself the night before in the mirror and practiced my stern look. And yet, when I stood there waiting for them to enter the class after recess, I felt a million butterflies swimming in my tummy. I knew perfectly well that they will enter any time now to find a new teacher in her black and white punjabi suit standing there. They will look at me from top to bottom. Gauge how nice I am, how strict I am, even before I open my mouth. As I thought of it, the more nervous I became. And then I heard the bell ring. I quietly walked out of class, leaving my bag on the chair and leaned against the pillar in the corridor. I put on my stern face. They came. They looked at me. They ran into class. They started whispering. I caught certain words such as "Is she going to teach us?" to "New teacher?". I pretended like I was fine when in reality I was dieing on the inside.
So I walked into class, they stood, they greeted me and they sat. 43 pair of eyes were looking at me when instead of saying "Alright class, I am your new teacher. Call me Miss Raeva", which I had been practicing for days now with my stern voice, I said "Hai everyone", Can you believe it? Of all words, of all things that I should have said, I said "Hai". I saw them break into smiles. I got a loud "hai" back. Now my mind went blank. Damage had been done. I can never be the strict teacher any more. I looked for ways to turn and I found none. So, I went with the flow. I said, "I am not like any other teacher. I am not here to teach you. I am here to have fun with you with the English language". The class burst out laughing. Gone. Rule number one that Mr.Mano and  Dr. Law ever said was to never be friends with your students in your first month. And I just broke that rule. Problem is, I did not feel bad doing it. I took a deep breath and continued. "But in order to have fun, you need to obey to rules that I set". I did not give them any opportunity to say anything in return. I took my 3 words that I had carefully cut out in manila cards and pasted it on the board. They started whispering. I heard them say "CPR"? For those asking, yes I used Mr.Mano's CPR technique of rules.I went on explaining what is CPR. I made them repeat after me. I made them say those words aloud. And to my surprise, they obeyed. I felt good.
And just as I was starting to feel that I had not done much damage after all, a boy just got up from his seat, went to his friend and pulled a book. I panicked first. Then I realised that it is time I shine. I went to him. Looked at him straight in the eyes and said, "Tell me what does R stand for." He said "Respect". I walked away and stood in front of the class. I asked them, "So, is this respect then". The class chorused a no. I looked at the boy. He went back to his seat. I must say, I felt like someone was showering me with million dollars. That glad that I was able to deal with the first misbehaviour in class. I wrote down two songs and they copied it on a piece of paper. I made them sing with me. I told them that those two songs were going to be our song for the next month. They said they liked the song. True, they were screaming from their seats. They were saying, teacher this and teacher that. You know what I did? I choose to ignore that. I choose to have fun with them. I choose to walk around class listening to their stories rather than screaming, "silence please". And you know why I did that?

Because these are year 5 pupils. They think they are matured enough. They think they know it all. And I think it is fair for them to think so. I know that at this point, there will be many of you who are criticising my classroom management skills but let me just say that as odd as this sounds, being their "friend" is actually helping me. I have pupils who tell me that they want me to continue teaching even after the last bell rings. I have pupils who see me around school, run up to me and say hai. True, they should be saying, "good morning teacher". But still.
And yes, i have pupils who don't do their homework. They love to do work in my class but hate to do it at home. I am still figuring out a way to motivate them to finish their work. And yes, I have attention seekers in my class. And I deal with them with my black magic box. I have their names in the box and I get them to answer questions by picking out names from the box. That way they don't scream "teacher me, teacher me". And they even fight to be the one that helps me carry their books back to the library (yes, my place is in the library as the staff room is completely full). Again, I deal with this by picking out a name from the box. They love this technique and I love to know that I am being fair to everyone. A boy told me today that his name never turns out from the box. He is the most naughtiest one in my class by the way. His name is Vasanth. So I took my box to his table. Took out the papers. Made him jumble them and put it back. I even told him to give the box a little shake. He was all smiles after that. I saw him do a little prayer. Honestly, I melted in the inside. Though this boy is one who is the last to finish my work, constantly making the class wait for him, I am just happy that he is doing the work. So, I don't really suck at managing my class right?
I think the key to teaching is to teach from your heart. To stop screaming, to stop yelling and to stop wanting them to behave in a certain "idle" way. The key to teaching is to let them be comfortable with you around. I am glad that my principle towards teaching is working well with me. My kids listen to me because they like me. They do my work because I don't pressure them. But then again, I am asking myself how long too. How long till I lose control. I am working on that. Working on ways to keep them attached. Let's see how it goes.
I have tons of tales, trust me. But, let me keep some for some other time. For now, I am glad to report that though I suck at being strict, I am still being respected in class. I am more concerned in developing my kids love for the language rather than feeding them with information. I hope that my whole view of humanistic way of teaching still applies when I finally leave at the end of the month. Another 3 weeks to go with my little ones. I am dreaming big but I am taking baby steps to reach there. I don't know whether any one else would think that being "friends" with your kids is good, but I think its one of the best ways to make your kids learn. I hope you have enjoyed my little tale of my first week of practicum. Do leave comments and let me know how your first week went.
Signing of as Miss Raeva. :)

Why do bad things happen to good people?

For years there is this one doubt in me. The one unanswered question that I find myself asking often. It started about 3 years ago and I still find myself looking at the night sky, holding the gaze of those shiny bright stars questioning them. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Anyone wanna answer that for me?
Of course typical answers which I have heard sounds like this:
That's coz God loves testing good people. God will test those that he love but never give up on them where else HE would always give up on bad people.
Cliche enough? Thing is, that just doesn't make sense to me. Why would God do that? And I am compelled to ask, regardless of how strong my faith is, or anything, since when God played with the lives of people? Doesn't make sense right?
So why is it that bad things happen to good people? There are people out there carrying a million baggage of sins a day and yet nothing happens to them. And then there are people who strive to make life a better place for others and yet they are the ones that face the most trouble out of life. I just don't get it.
Life is just this funny little game that we are all playing and I have no idea what the rules are any longer.

Falling in love with love itself-The rules to falling in love!

Familiar phrase if you have been single for about…let’s see, your whole life? Ookay, I get it. You guys are going, “there she goes again with the whole thing on falling in love”. Well, I can never be sorry for being in love with love. So today, while I am here in class with a presentation going on, I am stealing some time to tell you about the rules to falling in love. Might be right might be wrong. Please do argue with me, I like being challenged. *big wide grin*

Rules to falling in love:

1) Love is not blind, it needs glasses. Never be blinded with the way a person looks, talks, or is. Love is what that happens when you don’t know how to explain why you feel the way you feel towards that one person.

2) Yes, you can fall for a person that is taken. But, you are not allowed to act on that feelings. Respect the other guy or girl involved. If he/she is meant for you, they would eventually return to you.

3) Flirting is for the singles. If you are taken, quit flirting and if you wanna flirt, stay single. Simple concept.

4) People change and feelings mature. So, who you are with today will not be the same person in lets say, a month, a year or even 50 years! Deal with this one fact and you are looking at a long term relationship, trust me.

5) Never ever rush. If you meet someone and you like them, stay friends first. Most people act on impulse and that can seriously go wrong.

6) Never say yes to someone just because you are tired of being alone. Sure, having someone by your side is fun and nice, but having someone you never saw as someone by your side, is a torture to the soul.

7) They say opposites attract. Yes, they do. But that only applies to magnets. Leave the opposites attract thing to magnets. As for humans, no matter how attracted you are to a person, when someone’s life principles and attitudes clash with yours, there is just that much that you can tolerate and stand. People with similar principles last longer.

8) Know the limitations of love. Never ever assume that this beautiful girl or amazing man will be there for you forever. Always remember that this person never belonged to you. You are loaning them from the universe for a span of time and shall return them when the time arrives. Some are returned earlier and some are returned through death.

9) You will always remember your first love. This is a fact that everyone has to come to terms with. I have seen relationships crumble just because she doesn't want to accept the fact that he still talks about his past love or just because she compares him to his past love. Well people, let me break it down to you. Just because a person talks about something that has happened in his/her past, it does not mean that that person is not over their past. Remembering what has happened keeps us humans sane. 

10) You deserve to have someone treat you the way you have always wanted to be treated. Like a princess? A queen perhaps? Like the only man around? Well, problem is, often we settle for far less than what we deserve because we are tired of waiting. Patience is power, let me remind you of that. 

11) This is an important one. Love doesn't hurt and love is not abusive. Staying with an abusive partner, regardless of whether it's a physical, or emotional abuse, is just downright wrong. Love is about being happy, even through rough times. 

Well, people, I seriously can go on and on when it comes to love. I might have not met the right man yet or I just might not have been looking, but either way, I think love is something just too beautiful to be missed in life. Never let a past experience shut you away from love. Open your hearts, get to know the people around you and let love find you. After all, our hearts can seriously do wonders if we just let it to. Oh ya, and, finally, if at all, you never meet anyone special, whoever says that you can't live the single life? More reasons to flirt then! :D

Signing off in a happy note,
Raevarthy

Written from the core of my heart.

I love myself enough to know that I am wounded. I love myself enough to know that I am broken into pieces and I love myself enough to know that the one responsible for my healing is not around. I am shaken with reality and I do not know where to turn to. Funny how the girl who has a shoulder for people to lean on finds herself with none to call her own. Reality is cruel, that much I dare say. 

These emotions and regrets that haunt me when I least expect it to is turning me into a slave of my own conscience. Remember how people say that when nothing goes right, you have to turn left? What if I turn left and there is nothing there for me too? I am afraid. I am terrified. 

It is a long battle, one that I know I can survive if I have my heart and soul set at the right place. But what about my win? What about that then. I am a competitive person by nature but not to the extent of losing relationships so what if I lose myself in this crave for victory? 

I am battling a million demons in myself a day. Sometimes these demons have a voice. That cruel, earth shattering voice that blocks me out of this world. I don't know how to fight that off. I don't know. 

On the outside, I am this girl with a bright smile and positive attitude and on the inside, I die a little more with each passing day. At times, I am angry with myself for not having the same inner glow to match the one the world sees. But, what do I do? This is the way I feel and I cannot tell myself to feel a certain way. 

I am not alone in this tough journey, that much I know. But then again, whoever out there would understand the pain, and hurt of an overweight girl that the society strips down with words? At the end of the day, I am still me and the society is something I cannot escape from. 

Signing off with a note to myself that I am beautiful,
Raevarthy

A child stuck in adulthood.

Let me start by saying that I am pretty sane in this post. Not high on sugar, coffee or any of that sort. I have so much to say. February was a good month for me. I had amazing unbelievable moments, pretty stressful times that just turned out to be so much worth it and yes, *drum rolls* I turned 22!
However, leaving all that aside for just a moment, I am going to kick start March with talking to you about human desires. As much as you would love to know from where I got this topic and as much as I'd love to tell, I can't. So, sit back and enjoy the sane Raevarthy for a second!

Have you had those moments in which you just stopped whatever you were doing for a minute, took a look around you and wondered what on Earth you are doing? I had that today. I was in class today when all of a sudden I just lay my head on my table, looked around and was swept by this alien like feel. It grasped at my heart, pinned my soul down and swirled around me before leaving me breathless. In that very few seconds, I had a glimpse of what life would have been had I not taken the road of becoming a teacher. I know this sounds a little dramatic but really, if you think about it, this is just something we all have been through. I am just expressing myself the way I know how to. 

Anyway, what has human desires got to do with me not becoming a teacher? Simple. The desire to do things at the spur of a moment. Ever had that? This is pretty dangerous trust me. But that is how I have made most of my life's decisions. I decided to apply for the teaching course in the spur of a moment when I was having a conversation with a good friend and then decided to take up the interview in the same manner,but this time a talk with mum. And the grand finale of deciding to do teaching came when I sat next to dad in a restaurant and heard an uncle praise his daughter for being a teacher. He said to dad, "you will only realise it when someone tells you how wonderful your daughter is with their child". At that moment, I saw a glow in dad's eyes, thought of how much this meant to mum and made up my mind to be a future educator. Wasn't that tough of a decision to make. I just wanted those who loved me to be happy.
But that was 3 years ago. When I just hit 18 and was wondering what to do with my life. Now, I am 22 and life pretty much sucks because you cannot make "in the spur of the moment" decisions any longer. I am forced to think, over think and at times, forced to glue the broken pieces of me to come up with a decision. Whoever said that growing up is easy again?
Point is, the desire to do things at the spur of a moment is pretty fascinating, and I miss it. Honestly, from the deepest corner of my heart, I wish I hadn't grown up because now everything is just so much more scary. People look at me as an adult and how do I shout that I am not ready? Because I am not. The things I want in life are just within miles away and now at this juncture, I am just not sure whether I want it any longer. My desires have changed and so have my needs.
I am a child stuck in adulthood. I need time before I can figure this whole growing up thing. So, somebody, please point me towards the rewind button. I so need it.

Signing off with the desire to be a child,
Raevarthy

Commitment, Love and Loyalty.

Let me spell it out ya'll. C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T. Yeap, say hello to the topic of the day. We shall talk about commitment today. And yes, before you ask, there is a reason why we are doing this today.
I was watching 'The Choice' last night with mum and though I totally loved oogling at those gorgeous guys on TV, I couldn't help but reflect at the question Joe Jonas asked his potential dates. 'What have you committed yourself to and why did you make that commitment?" The girls came up with pretty good answers. One talked about how she is committed to looking after her brothers and sisters and one talked about her commitment to GOD to keep her virginity for the one who deserves her. Beautiful and sane answers.
My whole post about commitment would not be on what I have committed myself to. Instead, it is going to be on how tough I think it is to commit to someone. I am pretty good at making commitments to ideas and principles. For example, I am committed to Vegetarianism, to being against alcohol consumption on the basis of entertainment, and I am committed to GOD. Thing is, I can't commit to people. I have trust issues, and yes, I am not afraid to admit it.
It's pretty simple really. How long would someone that you love and trust be there for you? That's just an answer that no one can ever give and hence my rooted problem to commitment. I know that we have to learn how to handle our hearts with care while being able to loosen our grip around it. But honestly, how do people do it because I am just plain lost. For me, commitment is a big word and just merely saying that you are committed to someone does not make it real. I have seen people say 'together, forever' to only lose it within months and some within years.
So yes, how does this whole commitment thing work again? Well, if you ask me, screw commitment. Let's replace that word with love and loyalty. The double 'L's. Love is what that brings two people together and loyalty is what that keeps them that way. You don't need a yellow string on your neck or a ring on your finger or a signature on a book to show that you are committed to one another, although I admit that is what the society needs. In the hearts of each and every human, there should be the double L's. Love and loyalty.
And, if at all a spark of that loyalty is lost, just let go of love coz love will never survive without loyalty.

Signing off with a renewed passion towards love,
Raevarthy

If I gave you a choice to have anything under the world, what would you want?

"If I gave you a choice to have anything under the world, what would you want?"
Someone asked me that question today and honestly, for a very minute second, my mind went blank. I know I want a lot of things, I dream in a very super sized manner and I rarely keep my toes grounded. Like I always say, I dream of the fairy tale life. Many people have told me that reality sucks and that, quoted, "you have not seen the REAL world". I used to mutter under my breath every time someone told me that.
And then, I went to work. I wouldn't say that stepping into a new world, even if it was just as a cashier showed me what "the real world" is. I learnt a lot. New lessons, new people, new experiences. I felt like a super star the day I left work. So proud of myself and just so amazed at how I survived in a place that was nothing like me. (Refer to blog post "37 days of a very different life-My own working experience")
Problem is, like I said, I don't keep my foot grounded and surprisingly, coming from a person that has been through a lot in life, I don't intend to change it. I like having a positive attitude about everything. I like the thrill of not knowing what tomorrow would bring into my life and I love being happy with whatever that I have. I never desire for a lavish life. I am content with the way my life is working right now. I have been bruised, battered and scared, but there is just one thing that no one or experiences has touched before and that is my soul. I still have a soul that smiles at  the toughest adversity. Though my eyes fill with tears and my heart cringes with every blow, my soul still stays strong.
I am not saying that you can throw me in a mud pit and I would find a way out. I am just saying that while I am in that mud pit, I would not give up in finding a way out. Like they always say, if you dare dream, you have to dare wake up and chase that dream. I dream big and hence the chase is big too. It might take me a million years to finally look back at my life and say that I have everything that I want but I would do it. Notice how even now I have the attitude that I would make it to a million years? There right there is my soul speaking, one that is never influenced with the trials and tribulations of life.
So, what was my answer then? Well, I listed a few things that I wanted but then again, there is no limitations to my list because I am living that life right now. Waking up to the barks of Ruby and Dino, looking at a small smile in the faces of my parents, arguing over clothes and many others with my sister, gossiping with cousins, watching the rain hit Earth, loving myself each day for being a Vegetarian, laughing with friends, dreaming about a prince charming, being nice to strangers and many more is what that truly keeps me happy. Like I said, I am a simple girl who lives in a fairy tale land and wants nothing much from this world. I am happy. Very happy. And right now, money cannot buy or compare to this happiness.

Missing the missing part of you.

I should not miss people, especially those who have left me with a scar. But, I do. I miss them at the oddest hours. I have no other ways to say this and hence I shall just do it with my fingers firmly typing and as my eyes slowly fills with tears. Been a while since I wrote this way. You know, with so much emotions attached to every word that I type. But then again, been a while since I have felt this way too. So yes, please forgive me because today I am taking a road of pain with my post.
Have you missed someone so much that you did not know what to do? We miss people, don't we? We miss those that have left us for the other world, those who have walked out of our lives not looking back and those that are millions of miles away but close to our hearts. These are who we miss, right? And what do we do when we miss them? We think of them, we reach out and sometimes we cry. Thing is, somehow, things will be okay after that.
Oh, how I wish I missed someone that way, because at least then, I would find a way to cure my ache. The way I am missing someone is just so different that no quotations or phrases or poems or even songs can match up to the emotions behind it. I miss someone that used to be a "someone that I knew". Funny how that one statement itself hits me with so much memories.
Imagine knowing someone on the inside and out, knowing them so well that at one point of your life you just knew that your life will never be the same if at all they were not a part of it. Ever had that? Now imagine still having them as a part of your life but in a different form and way. How if a person that you know so well becomes someone that you "knew" and all this happens right at the front of your eyes?
I miss my "someone". A person that I once hugged with my soul is now extremely hard to hug even with my arms. How do I cure this ache then? The ache to have something that was once so perfect but now is not is just one that you can never fulfill.

The man who has everything needs only one thing, Love. :)

What do you give to a man who has everything? That's the question that has been in my head the whole day. True, he does not know me personally. I am not a person who crosses his mind everyday. He does not think of me. He does not love me. But I love him. I love his voice, the way he smiles and his silly Facebook status updates. Yes, I am not 14 and I should not be having a crush on a celebrity. I am a 22 year old matured young lady who knows how life works. Thing is, how do you tell your heart to feel a certain way? Our hearts work on its own in a pace, tempo and rhythm that we can never truly understand.
So, what do I give him then? I date him on my head on a daily basis. I talk to his pictures. I let him in my fears and my worries, my happiness and my joy. I bug my friends by talking non-stop about him. I dream of him. His voice is the lullaby that I fall asleep to. So, how do I truly thank and return the favour? Especially now that it is his birthday?

The only thing that I have to offer is Love, abundance of it and that is what I shall give this perfect man who has everything in his life. So dear, Danesh Kumar, popularly known as D7, I love you, so very much. You have one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard in my life and honestly, I fell for you the moment I heard you sing. Happy Birthday. Never ever give up singing. Good luck for the next album and hopefully one fine day, I do get to meet you in person. I would probably go speechless but I am waiting for that day. Take care.

Yes, this is what I do in class. I tattoo his name on my hand. :)

Ponggal. Erm, is it a Cultural event or a Religious one again?

"So, why do you celebrate Ponggal?" my non-Hindu roommate asked me yesterday as another Hindu roommate and I were getting ready to go to the temple. Honestly, I gasped in shock at her question. I always assumed that people knew why we celebrated Ponggal just as how I know why my Muslim friends celebrate  Hari Raya Korban or how my Chinese friends celebrate their new year. I just thought people knew. I then proceeded to explain to her that Ponggal is celebrated as a harvesting festival, as a form of thank you for the harvest that has been given. I also stressed that Ponggal is not a religious festival, but a cultural one. She nodded her head throughout my explanation and I was pleased. Just as I continued pining up my hair, she asked me another question. One that made me go speechless, at least for a few seconds. She said, "So, Ponggal is a cultural festival and not a religious one right? Then, why are you going to the temple?". I've gotta admit. It was a good question. Despite a serious urge to chuckle deep within me, I maintained a straight face and gave her an answer (one that I am not going to state here, for a very specific reason). Anyway, that was it. That 2 questions that led to this blog post. So, darling readers, heads up coz Raeva has something very important to say today.
Let me begin by giving you a very sad scenario. We, the Indians of IPGKBA celebrate Ponggal every year in college. We dedicate one day, usually a weekday to prepare the Ponggal pots, we decorate an open space, we prepare food, we dress up to our best (I always wear sari), and we invite everyone from college, regardless of race, including lecturers to join us in the celebration. Let me stress, we invite them with an open heart. And yet, this is what that happens.
We wait. We wait and wait. You can count the number of non-Indians (outside of our own little Indian committee) that actually make it to the event. Let me just say that the number is depressing and not worth mentioning. I won't say that the sweet rice cooked or the food prepared is wasted. Nor are the dance performances lined up stay unrecognised. We have fun, among ourselves. We laugh a little too much, dance with one another and eat all that we can.
Thing is, there is this little bruise in the hearts of every Indian in this college. One that seem to be getting deeper with every year that passes. We are disappointed and among others, really upset that our own friends from the other races just refuse to participate in the celebration. Where did we go wrong? Was the decoration upsetting, the dance not proper or just the event itself that leads to this happening every single year? Well, I did a survey.
Among the reasons that I have heard is that Ponggal is a religious festival and participating in the celebration would mean that they are disrespecting their own religion. Erm, really? Well, I did my research too. Hence, teachers-to-be, I say this with all the respect in the entire world towards every single religion out there, get your facts straightened out! PONGGAL IS NOT A RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL!
It is a thanksgiving festival in which we thank the Sun and farm animals for their assistance in providing a successful harvest. And we also thank the farmers out there who work hard to produce grains for us. Whoever said that saying thank you is one that is attached to religion?
But then again, you may ask, "Why on Earth are you people still celebrating Ponggal in college if no one comes?" That's a good question too. Thing is, to me personally, no matter what, I treasure my culture and I would love to share the culture that I come from with my friends. I may not be able to speak the Tamil language fluently (well, I am learning), I still carry the teachings of my culture with pride and love. And hence, I just hope that there will be a year in which we celebrate Ponggal in college and my friends from other races actually make it to the event with bright smiles and an open heart.
After all, we live in a multicultural society and it is crucial to learn about one another's culture, don't you think so?

Ps: We, the Indians of IPGKBA will be celebrating Ponggal on the 22nd of January 2013. Question is, will you put on your best clothes, lace up your shoes, carry your bags, open up your hearts and make it for the celebration this time around? Think about it.

Signing off with much love and hope.

What if you knew who you would spend the rest of your life with?

I wish I know who is it that I would spend the rest of my life with. Yeap, that's pretty much how I am starting this post. I know I have way more serious things to write about but hey I just finished watching a romantic movie and I am in the midst of reading a love novel. So, do you still blame me? Besides, I am Miss Love, and Miss Love will never stop writing about love even if she does mature, well, slightly at least.
So, what is it about love today? Well, here's to wishing I knew who deserves my love, care, affection, and romance. The whole idea of waiting for a prince to sweep me off my feet still applies, I just wish I knew who that idiot is. Alright alright. I won't call him an idiot. It's just that I am tired. I am tired of not knowing. Don't get me wrong. I am not tired of being single, I have been single my whole life. I am just fed up of all these random conversations, little butterflies that flutter in my tummy for like what, a week then somehow disappear or just about all these people that never stay. You see, it is a fairly good idea of actually knowing who you would say "I love you" to each day, who you would wake up next to, who you would argue with for no reason and mainly, who you would take every step with as you enter the multiple phases of life. Trust me, this tiny piece of information is extremely valuable. There is no need to put your heart out there in the hands of someone that would eventually leave or there is just no need to spend hours thinking about someone who probably does not even know you exist. So ya.
Bla bla bla. Life is supposed to be a mystery and all that. Yeap, I get it.
It's just that, don't you have those moments in which you lie at bed at night, looking up at the ceiling and suddenly you feel a rush of emotion? You know, a sudden overwhelming tug right there in the softest corner of your heart reminding you how much worth it you are as a person and how sad is it that there is no one that you can pour out these love, romance, and affection to? Or how about those times that you are driving and suddenly a melodious love song is aired and you feel each word, each lyric and your mind looks for some image in your head to match those lyrics to and it finds none? Ever felt that? Or is it just me who gets flashes of a life that I have no experience of?
So ya, dear Cupid, it's okay if you have not aimed the arrow at the right person for me yet, just please do drop me his name and if that is not possible, then his initials. Thats it. That's all I am asking for.

Can you feel lonely in a crowded room?

Been a while since I last visited this place of darkness. This one hole in my soul that apparently my mind likes going back to. I don't know how else do I describe feeling this way. From a girl who is considered good at understanding other people, the way they feel, why they feel that way, and how to help them feel better, it seems pretty ridiculous, I know that.
Have you ever felt like you were drowning in this big ocean of doubts and insecurities? Like nothing that you ever do or think is good enough? They say that when your heart is at the right place, things will work out. They say that you should never give up hope because hope is like that burning candle that we ignite when the power gets cut off. But that's what they say. They don't know that in that split second of lighting up a candle, the mind wanders, and the heart tremors. So, how dare they say that it will be fine?
I know that negativity does not suit me. I am a positive person. My whole life is built on hope. But this hole of darkness that my mind keeps taking me back to has swallowed that aspect of me. I am lost and I don't like being lost.
So, is it possible to feel lonely in a crowded room? Apparently it is.