Friday, March 1, 2013

A child stuck in adulthood.

Let me start by saying that I am pretty sane in this post. Not high on sugar, coffee or any of that sort. I have so much to say. February was a good month for me. I had amazing unbelievable moments, pretty stressful times that just turned out to be so much worth it and yes, *drum rolls* I turned 22!
However, leaving all that aside for just a moment, I am going to kick start March with talking to you about human desires. As much as you would love to know from where I got this topic and as much as I'd love to tell, I can't. So, sit back and enjoy the sane Raevarthy for a second!
Have you had those moments in which you just stopped whatever you were doing for a minute, took a look around you and wondered what on Earth you are doing? I had that today. I was in class today when all of a sudden I just lay my head on my table, looked around and was swept by this alien like feel. It grasped at my heart, pinned my soul down and swirled around me before leaving me breathless. In that very few seconds, I had a glimpse of what life would have been had I not taken the road of becoming a teacher. I know this sounds a little dramatic but really, if you think about it, this is just something we all have been through. I am just expressing myself the way I know how to. 
Anyway, what has human desires got to do with me not becoming a teacher? Simple. The desire to do things at the spur of a moment. Ever had that? This is pretty dangerous trust me. But that is how I have made most of my life's decisions. I decided to apply for the teaching course in the spur of a moment when I was having a conversation with a good friend and then decided to take up the interview in the same manner,but this time a talk with mum. And the grand finale of deciding to do teaching came when I sat next to dad in a restaurant and heard an uncle praise his daughter for being a teacher. He said to dad, "you will only realise it when someone tells you how wonderful your daughter is with their child". At that moment, I saw a glow in dad's eyes, thought of how much this meant to mum and made up my mind to be a future educator. Wasn't that tough of a decision to make. I just wanted those who loved me to be happy.
But that was 3 years ago. When I just hit 18 and was wondering what to do with my life. Now, I am 22 and life pretty much sucks because you cannot make "in the spur of the moment" decisions any longer. I am forced to think, over think and at times, forced to glue the broken pieces of me to come up with a decision. Whoever said that growing up is easy again?
Point is, the desire to do things at the spur of a moment is pretty fascinating, and I miss it. Honestly, from the deepest corner of my heart, I wish I hadn't grown up because now everything is just so much more scary. People look at me as an adult and how do I shout that I am not ready? Because I am not. The things I want in life are just within miles away and now at this juncture, I am just not sure whether I want it any longer. My desires have changed and so have my needs.
I am a child stuck in adulthood. I need time before I can figure this whole growing up thing. So, somebody, please point me towards the rewind button. I so need it.
Signing off with the desire to be a child,

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