-4 days to doomsday-

4 flat? seriously! biar betul tu! is there even a possibility for anyone to achieve 4 flats when the exam is going to extremely tough? hey..im not judging..im just saying ya...i just want results that would make me happy not results that would kill me on the inside..i just want results that would make my parents proud n that lil maharani in indonesia to at least call me for once to say "congrats"..she never calls me u noe..sigh..

4 days more! 4 days to doomsday! lets all jump into the river together and hopefully swim safely to the other side(literally that is)

exam exam exam!

-5 days to go: From lala land to earth-

Breathe Raevarthy! Breathe! Help! I think im hyperventilating! I mean who wouldn't? 5 more days to go! Let me spell that for you, loud and clear! FIVE! Five people! Just 5! Mati la aku! I know im so dead! So, what should I do to stay alive? Well, i have decided to throw away all feeling of "malu-ness" in me. Ok, I don't understand and if you do, its good for you. So, I'm going to ask silly questions and I'm going to bug my lecturers with questions! I don't care! I know you are smart but I...well..I am an extremely slow learner. Thing get confused in my head. So, let me make up for all those times that I have been extremely quiet in class with my mind drifting of to"lala" land. So, its make-up time.

5 days people! 5 only! Is there anyone out there who is freaking out like me? Probably not! I mean everyone is already way too smart! Since when I slacked off? How did I let this happen to me? Well...it was my fault. I chased after friends and fame. Padan muka aku! I totally deserve this! But, I know that somewhere up there God is watching me closely and I know he will be there to give me the strength to sit for the examination without collapsing once I see the paper..hopefully that is. Either way, 5 days! 5 ONLY! God bless us all!

Ps: Thank you God, I know you helped me with my LDS assignment! I am more than thankful!

-6 days more-

Ok..this is it...just a week to go..one damn week for my cruel finals! i have no confidence, i can;t define my ss terms right, i can't score es, i dunno what the hell to answer in my ldv task sheets..n even if i do, it is wrong, n i am seriously blur where lds is concerned! i pray, i cry n i keep quiet..a million things are running in my mind and all i want is peace n solitude..duwan to hear my roommate on her phone, duwan to hear my classmates talk, duwan to even think what the finals are going to be like! I need peace! i need space! I'm losing myself and I don't know what to do! Its like there is this whole tornado in me. I'm wrestling a power invisible to the naked eye. I pray for a miracle to happen but I noe its impossible. Either I know it or I don't. I wish I don't feel this way and I wish someone would tell me everything is going to be fine. But they won't and even if they do I noe its impossible and nothing is going to be fine. A week! One damn week to go! The days are closing in on me and I feel a tug in my heart. Its finals and its going to be horrible! Help me help myself!

-There is no place like home-

There is truly no place like home! I have had a somewhat stressful week and have broken down several times this week. But, let me tell you something..None of that matter anymore. I am at home and people don't judge me here. My home is filled with so much love and that's all that matters. We may not have the wealth that every one else has, we may not have a perfect extended family and we may not be high up the social ladder of the society, but we r us n we r together! Who cares what others think? Right? So, people let me tell you something...If you are looking for love, solitude, care, peace...all at once..just return back home and breathe deep into the familiar surrounding coz there is no place like home! Truly!

-Rambles-

Im just going to ramble here..I am too scared and I know Im going to screw up this finals which terrifies me. I am so scared that I would humiliate my parents. I really don't know how the hell should I throw away fear from my system. I saw the lds paper today and thought, "you are so screwed Raevarthy!". I did not know what the hell they even wanted. Nothing of which I read was there. I mean what the hell am I suppose to read! N then there was that dreadful es test! I scored so low and I wrote that much! What am i supposed to do? N then there was that short poem test that we did for ls. N i did not understand the damn poem! What is happening to me? Its as though my stupid brains is failing on me! It is blocking stuffs out! N i feel like its spm all over again! I never ever want to revisit spm! ever! what to study? why is everyone around me so smart??? why do they get it right n i screw up! why? I noe i sound paranoid but i am really scared! really scared! I open the book and I don't know what to study! N people all around me say stuffs like, "you are so smart", :im sure you are done with your revision"..what the hell man? i dunno a thing! nothing! n then they ask me something n i go blank! blank! my mind shuts itself! i dun noe what the hell to answer! I have sleepless nights. And there is this fear in my heart that i will be kicked out of the institute! Where do i go then? What would i do then? I just dunno wat to do! I don't!

PS: I really need to go back home and get a round of hugs from loved ones! I wish my sis was here too! Oh, how I wish!

-Fear-

Fear...Shh...Let me tell you a secret today....

Haven't we all been a part of that fear? I feel fear engulfing me each second as I breathe my final days as a Foundation in TESL student. Finals are way too close and I am not prepared! I feel as though its SPM all over again! And we all know how bad SPM turned out to be. I don't want SPM to repeat itself and yet I'm not doing anything about it! Someone, shoot me please..or at least shake some senses into me.

I fear so much of failing.

I fear I'd hold the results in my hands with nothing but tears and I don't want that to happen.

I fear of competition.

I fear of letting my parent's down.

I have fear of my studies that I don't even want to get close to my books.

I fear of hating myself if I don't do well.

I fear that I'd be kicked out of college.

PS: Another episode of paranoia attack! Help me please!

-Of race and religion-

Today, I am so much in the mood to write about racist people. Mind you, I am not racist and never will be. I go beyond skin colour and the way you look. I only care for what is in your heart.

Malaysia has now a new goal to achieve under her wings. She wants to have a united country under the policy of 1 Malaysia and if you ask me, I think it's about time someone shook some senses into her. Don't get me wrong. I do support the notion of 1 Malaysia concept. However, its about time someone told everyone around them that Malaysia is a free country for all. I am not pointing fingers here. But, you have to understand that we have been here long enough to be a part of Malaysia. It is unfair to read statements online that really do jeopardise the love I have for the citizens of Malaysia. And, quite frankly, it hurts. I mean, wth man. What is so wrong in just respecting one another's differences?

And just as a reminder, I respect all religions out there and in fact, i do learn new things from other religions. I fast during the fasting month which thought me that patience is power. I have been to a Buddhist temple and there is no words to describe the calmness and peacefulness I felt when I was there and I make a cross whenever I pass by a church. Does that make me less of a Hindu? No. I pray every day, and I visit my temple every Saturday. I pay respect to all religions and their way of teaching because I believe in God. No question there.

So, why this post u ask. Ask any of my first-lecture-on-Tuesday classmates and you will know why. I am sick and tired of people putting down other religions. It gets on my nerves. I know I am way younger than you are. But, I am proud to say that at least I truly value other religions.

PS: At the end of the day, aren't we all God's children?

-Crying over here-

Blank. Bleeding from the inside and it hurts, it hurts badly. They say you should take the good and dump the bad. I must say I'm taking the good and dwelling on it, not willing to let go. Maybe my life was meant to be crushed and thrown on the floor. A new trouble for the mind and soul to deal with. Maybe this will make me stronger, maybe it won't. But, it will pass won't it? Tell me, it will pass.

Today a lecturer called me up and told me in a nice manner that the skits performed defeated the purpose of the assembly. I did not blame it on anyone, did not say that it was not my idea and did not defend myself. I kept quiet. I mean, that's what a leader does right?A leader may not lead(as in my case), but she will stick up for her group till the end without passing the blame on. I kept my mouth shut. I was too stunned for words. But, i guess my place was never meant to be in the limelight.

How am I suppose to concentrate on my studies, my destructive life with friends that keep leaving, my non-existent sibling relationship or just my already messed up life if I now have something new to deal with? This tears may not flow tomorrow, but I'd still remember how it feels sitting here pouring my soul out.

PS: Blaming no one but myself when I'd love to blame the whole world for my misery!

-Me as Lala-

omg! Did we really manage to come up with a video? Did i really act so "gedik"? man! it all sound so faraway n yet we manage to do it! I am so proud of my team members! i sayang u guys so much! i just had the chance to watch the entire video n man, i cant stop blushing! i am proud of myself! o shall i say Lala? either way, it was a team effort n it clearly showed. There is still room for improvement but hey we are "newbies" ourselves! Kuwe n Kimah, u guys are the only ones from our group that is following my blog. So, if u come across this, i just want to say i appreciate all that u have done for me, as a team. N im sorry i wasnt here the day u guys compiled everything. I noe i owe all of u! Sorry n thx!

*double hugs*

PS: Pls leave me a comment if u r from my team!

-For a friend-

My heart sank the moment i read the news and saw ur wall flooded with messages, not because i was close to u, or anything as sort of that. But, i do feel ur pain..i honestly do. I know you need time to recover from the lost of a loved one. I have been there and done that. But, i also know that what God has put you through is far worse than what i went through earlier this year. You are a good person and don't deserve this. She may not be there for you for the rest of your life, but she would definitely be watching over you from a distance. I'm so sorry for your lost. Hang in there.

-Signed and sealed for the years to come-

I am writing this today to as a reminder for the years to come. I know I may not feel the same way when tomorrow rolls in. This blog entry is to remind me that I am strong and that I can do whatever I set my heart to, provided I had the courage to persuade them. And, here I am reminding myself that I am so special in my own way that I don't need anyone to tell me so. Here is the girl who never for once believed she could do it and no matter how many times GOD proved otherwise in her life, she never took it seriously. I still can't explain the butterflies in my stomach or the nervous grip that holds on to me whenever I am pushed to the limelight.

They say it takes a moment to turn your life around forever. And I say, that moment is a choice of yours. If you are going to forever say you can't do something, then probably you would remain the way you are.

I do not know why I am telling myself all this but I do know that I would one day appreciate this particular blog entry as it assures me that "everything is going to be fine". If you dare to dream, wake up and chase after that dream of yours.

-Its a tough life-

I'm sorry that I have not been updating this almost-dead blog. I have had such a busy week and even now, I have tons to do. Sometimes, I feel that I'm growing up too fast and yet I know I am no more a "small" girl. With age, comes responsibility. So, I suppose I have to let go and embrace my adulthood with head held high.

Yesterday we debated on Macbeth being innocent. It was an eye-opener for me as I realised that Macbeth had more to him that what meets the eye. Debating against the secondary group was something new and I'm glad we were part of the winning team(not that there was a competition or anything). It was merely education based. However, I am sad that I can't participate on the one next wednesday. I think people would get bored seeing me up there again. But, I love the topic! And I know I would do well! Its fated I suppose! But, hey I am going to cheer my heart out!

Well, this week was also all about surviving and I dare say I survived. But, it did hurt throughout the process. Right from the skits, to the debate.

PS: I'm hanging on, refusing to let go. Is that good or bad?