Crying for no reason.... Try it!

You know how sometimes, you just wake up feeling a little blue and depressed? Like you don't wanna get out of bed and face the world? Have you ever had those kinda days in which all you wanna do is just pull the blanket over your head and drown into a deep sleep so that you don't need to think, feel, worry or do anything of that sort? God bless you my child if you answered no to that.

I woke up in a daze today. Mum got a little worried considering how I slept early last night and was still not up. She asked me what's wrong and I just shrugged. How do you answer what's wrong when you yourself have no idea right? So, I then walked to the bathroom and stayed there for a whole 40 minutes. Took the longest shower ever trying to decide how to put away worrying thoughts and a heart that seemed to be beating ever so fast for no reason. Did it work? It made things even worse. Mum came banging the bathroom door asking me why I was not out. Again, I couldn't answer her because I did not have an answer to that either. 

Eventually when I was done with all that, still figuring out why I feel the way I do, I got myself a cup of coffee and toasted a slice of bread. Even while eating with my eyes glued on tv, with dad and mum chatting away happily, I just did not know what to do, say, or feel. I couldn't put my mind to exactly why I was feeling the way I was, despite being quite good at helping people understand their emotions. 

And then I did the most stupid thing ever, which is not really stupid considering the fact that I do it almost everyday. I went online. I logged into Facebook and scrolled through my homepage. There, that did it to me. I cried. I don't mean cry as if in, wipe away a silent tear that is trickling down the cheek kinda thing. I cried. I stuffed my face in my pillow and cried. Tears after tears. What I saw on Facebook that actually brought me to do that? Good question, really. Because I don't have an answer to that either. 

I just saw depressing, sad, emo status'es up there by some random people that you can't even say are my close friends and yet, I cried. Pretty childish for a 21 year old. Yeap, I get it. 

Point here is, I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why life is cruel. And I certainly don't know why I seem to be able to not cry when I should and cry when I should not. That, there is as confusing as it sounds.
 I am an amazing girl with an outer and inner strength that could move mountains and battle through any hurdle thrown my way. I know I sound a tad bit self praising but I am honestly very proud of who I am. Been through a lot, and still surviving. But right here in this heart and soul of mine is a calling that I can't deduce. Emotions that strike at the most random hours and memories that fill the heart when you don't expect them to. Funny how they say life would shape you into who you deserve to be. Because I say, life is pretty messed up itself and no, life can't decide who you should be. That my friends, is somehow something we are all stuck figuring out. 

So, as for me, crying really did make me feel better even though I don't know why I cried. Maybe, just maybe I need a therapist after all?

Are you dating a mummy's boy? This one is for you!

Mummy's boy.
So, there's a word we have all heard. The one type of guy that we, women run away from. I mean, in general,that is. Oh ya, if you are a guy and you are reading this, oh please feel free to argue, state your defense, god knows I am looking for an excellent person to debate with right now.
Anyway, mummy's boy. Who is he again? You know, the one who prefers to stay in on a Friday night watching soap opera dramas with mum rather than hang out with his friends. You know, the one that goes, "...Erm, but my mum would not like that very much" or the one that runs to her whenever he argues with you? You get the idea here, don't you?
I remember a long time ago, when I was in my early teens that I made a vow to myself to never ever fall for a mummy's boy. The reason was simple. I am possessive and well, can be very very "attached" to what is mine. So, I thought, he is mine and no, I am not sharing, not even with his own mum! Hahaha! Oh, how naive I was!
Well people, I can't really argue on the whole concept of mummy's boy mainly because if I had a son, I would want him to be utterly devoted to me as well. But, what I can tell you, is how to deal with a mummy's boy, just in case you are after all dating one! Here you go! My top three secret tips! Boys, if you are reading this, go away now!

1) Realise that he is always going to love you more than her
- This isn't a tough one really. Either you can put up with it for the long run or you can't. My advise is simple. If you are the type of person who thinks a guy has to be your "everything", MOVE ON! Really, nothing will drive him nuts more than you asking him to state his pick! To make a choice between the woman that gave birth to him and the one that is arguing? We all know which is the easier way out, don't we?

2) Have the BIG TALK
-This is a tad bit risky, but if you love him and you honestly want things to work out, then you have to have the BIG TALK. Sit him down and tell him how it really makes you feel when he runs to her for emotional advises on your relationship. Reassure him that you think it is best to have things worked out between the both of you without having a third party involved.

3) State your rules
-This is basically something I tell all girls whenever they announce that they are in a new relationship. You just need to state your rules. He needs to know that you won't take all those loads of crap that he throws to you. Trust me girls, the more you chase after him, the more he will take you for granted, especially as the relationship progresses. Be a lady of class, tell him there are just somethings you won't give in to. And one of it could be him making his own decisions, without mummy's consultation.

Well girls, I don't know about you but I have long thrown away that concept of not dating a mummy's boy. Not because I would love to have a man pick his mum over me, but because I just know I would not fall for anyone short of being matured. And I believe a matured man would know how to treat his mother right without ignoring the other woman in his life.
Good luck with the tips though! Do let me know how it went! :)

To let go or to not?

Today, right here on the 24th October 2012, let me tell you a truth. Truth is, I do not know what I want. I think I know. I assume I have it all figured out. I have this budding reality in me that I can handle everything under the sun. But, try as I might, there is this one aspect of my life that no matter how many times I try getting rid off, it just never goes. I can't bring myself to throw away something as simple as papers, well maybe not just papers, I mean there is too much emotions attached to those papers. But the point is, I am dreading the moment of feeling free and not caged any longer. My heart deserves that much, I know that.
I have grown up and matured, not only physically but emotionally as well in just one year. But, doing this now, I don't know how well it would adjust to my new life.
Sometimes it is all okay. I don't even remember that those little memories are there, somewhere in a corner and sometimes it is all I can think of. I know that I did this to myself. But at that time, it seemed to be the right thing. Of course I do not regret what happened. I just...well...I am just wondering what if the whole scene played differently. But with that, I am also fully aware of the fact that I would have not ended up here today, if things were different back then.
So, the conclusion is, I am still holding on to what I should not. And I need something/someone to get it into my head that it is finally time to break free, and to fly away with no attachment of any sort.
Will you, yes you, do me the honour of letting my soul free?

E.X.A.M.S! Aye aye aye!

Hello humans! Hope you guys are good. I will just make this short and simple alright? There is this one thing that gets to me, and I am pretty sure it is something that you people can relate to as well. The issue at hand today is the issue of focusing. Exams are just around the corner and all I am doing is procrastinating. I am not fully concentrating on studying. It is as though I suddenly have tons to do. And the things that I deal with on a daily basis, well, lets just not go there k. Mind you, I am not complaining. I am merely stating that everything else just somehow becomes more important than exams when in reality it should be the other way around. Anyone else in the same boat as me?
Truth is, I am freaked out. I honestly am. I am not only having exam jitters, it goes beyond that. The nightmares have started, and the feeling of I might just screw the papers is slowly creeping into my soul, taking away the little peace I have here at home. I find myself questioning everything around me, regardless of whether it is of any importance. Maybe, just maybe I do need to get that yoga class thingy going on. You know, get myself enrolled in some kinda program that would help me get relaxed a little. Trust me humans, I am not exaggerating. I honestly feel very very lost, restless, and just stressed.
I know I still have time but as the clock ticks, so does my entire system. At most, I just sleep it off or find someone to talk to. The thing here is, I do not open up my heart and talk it out yet hear to what people say. I have always been a better listener than one who shares her problems right?
So, what is it with me then? Is it just the issue of having pre-exam jitters or an issue that has been embedded in me, finding its way to effect every other aspect of my life? Try as I might, I can't answer that.
Everything lost will one day be found, and I sure hope its the same for me too.

Neh, life won't end if I am not done living it!

Life is going to end one day. I do not deny that, but I am still contemplating the fact whether the world, as they say, would end in 2012. And the fact of what I would be doing should that happen. I watched a movie the other day that showed some heart-wrenching images of mother nature taking her last revenge on mankind as she hits with all her natural disasters. It moved me beyond words. I was just so stunned that I replayed those images in my head, for about a million times after the movie ended.

The thing here is that, I am not done with life. I still have a hell lot of battles to fight. I have not done enough for those that I love, and hence, I do not want to leave. I know that the world is not necessarily fair and that every one of us would meet the angle of DEATH one day. But, I am seriously not ready for that. I know that it is kinda ironic that I am speaking of death at this juncture of my life. It is just that something sparked off in me to sit and pen this down. 

We walk out of our house every day not knowing that it could be our last. We go to our respective universities, sit through hours of lectures and tutorials, laugh with our friends, and amidst all that, do we really stop to think that life could end when we least expect it to? For example, an assassin could break in, taking the lives of strangers, and what if, we happen to fall into that category of strangers? 

Or, lets say for example, we take a long drive in the highway, blasting our favourite songs, with big shades, and air-conditioner just suited to hit us, with no one else in the car and just one slight miscalculation and poof, gone. Accidents take lives even if it was not our fault to begin with. 

I know that living life with a constant fear that death would strike is not the right way. But sometimes, thoughts such as this is just one that you can't ignore. I just know for sure that, despite the difficulties or hurdles that come crashing into my life, I am just not done fighting. I am not done saying, "Bring it on". I still have a long way to go. I still have big dreams to realisise and equally big miracles to watch unfold. I have little desires to fulfill, such as the desire to bungee jump, meet my celebrity crush, drive long distance with a special someone, and much more. I know that life is so cruel at times, taking people away from the face of Earth before their time comes. I just wish and pray that I would be kept alive at least till I am able to breathe a sigh of relief, watching my parents, sister , and 2 children smile at me in pride. That, I believe is just a feeling no money can buy or no words can do justice to. 

Here's to the past, there's to the future. :)

Will you accept me despite knowing my past?
A fellow friend asked me that the other day. Gotta admit, I got stunned for one second. I never thought about having a past affect the future. For me, life is always meant to be lived as how it is, the current without much thoughts about the past nor the future. But, despite having answered that in my most matured way possible, it got me thinking. Why is it that we, humans can never look past what happened in the life of someone? It is impossible to say that we never even once talked about someone without referring to their past, is it? So, let me shed some light on that topic today.

The main problem with us humans is for a fact that we have expectations in life. We decide what we want based on notions of what is right and what not. Very few times in life I have met people who told me that they don't expect anything in life, be it relationships, friendship, family, security, job, or anything at all. I humbly bow down to the fact that I have big expectations in my life too. But the only difference here is that I am somehow a very practical person. I wouldn't say that you are wrong but I wouldn't argue that I am right either. Pretty safe way to lead a monotonous life, no? 

So, what is it with expectations and past? In the most simplest way possible, I dare say that it is not that we can't accept the past of someone, it is just that we do not want to let go of something as simple as just thoughts to truly embrace the present. And that, my friends, is a very dangerous thing. What if you lost the present and the future for something as simple as the past? Pretty scary if you think about it.

But then again, as sane and practical I deem myself to be, if there is one thing that I cannot take, it is lies. Remember this, we all have a past life that we have shut down from, picking ever so carefully whom we share it with. So, I would say this, I believe that a person would be accepting of the past of someone if you told them from the very beginning. Don't try to hide something because we all know that everything hidden will be found one day. 

And that brings me to the next reality. Is it okay to not say anything of one's past, knowing full well that the other party may not know if you do not tell? Well, that is very much an easy way out isn't it? I would say that the deciding factor on this is you. Is that what you want? Would you rather have a house with a shaky foundation but beautiful deco or a house with a pretty firm foundation but with a patched up deco? It is tempting to pick something beautiful over something "imperfect", isn't it? 

Well darling readers, let the past live in the past. Do not throw away the future for something as simple as the past. 

As Joyce Chapman once said, 

"If you're still hanging onto a dead dream of yesterday, laying flowers on its grave by the hour, you cannot be planting the seeds for a new dream to grow today."

Try guessing! :P

Hallo darling readers! How is everybody doing? Yeap, I kinda got my cheery self on track since I have been buzzed about how emo I have been sounding on my blog as well as FB status's. Well, what can I say? A girl just gotta have her emo times! Anyway, i spent the last week reading very interesting articles online that somehow reaffirmed the fact that I can never be just a teacher. I need to get my spirit, soul, heart out there into the world of psychology especially where relationships are concerned. I have no idea why, but when it comes to humans and relationships, I can go on and on. I guess this is the definition of passion. 

Anyhow, I came across this very interesting article on the types of romantic relationships that we humans will encounter throughout our lives. They classified it into 10 different types and I must say, I do agree with that classification. So, what are those 10? Well, why don't you take a guess and lemme know. After all, I am a "learner-centred" kinda teacher! So, keep guessing till my next post! I will explain those 10 in detail and let you know which of those 10 have been present in my own life!
Take care humans of my blog. Just know, that I do love you so very much! 

You never truly move on, do you?

Can you forget someone you once loved and cared for to the extent that no memories of them ever affect you? Is that even remotely possible? I once had that question thrown to me. Many people have told me that it is impossible to open up their hearts after a relationship ends. I have been a witness to this too, watching friends completely shut themselves off from the opposite sex or the word Love itself. I always argued that lightning does not strike the same place twice and that there is always a someone out there for everyone, if only you dared to step out of your set boundary.
However, today, as I lie on my bed typing this out, I am looking at this issue through another lens, one that I believe only those loved and hurt can truly understand.

The human heart is a funny little thing. You think it listens to you, but it does not. It has a mind of its own and it plays by its own rule. Hence, the heart somehow can never understand why things that did not work the first time around won't work how many times you try, especially when there is another heart concerned. How do one tell their hearts to stop hurting when the cure itself is the main reason for the hurt? Funny how when we love, we never stop to even think once that it might end. And funny how now that it has ended, we still hold on to those happy memories, sometimes letting go of the bitter moments to just somehow feel the joy of being loved once again. But then again, memories have a way of tearing the most toughest of tough souls, I should know.
So, how do we bid goodbye to an old flame, a once-upon-a-time crush, or even someone we thought was our own prince charming? Is that possible? Is it possible to walk away from love and never look back again? 

I wish that love came with warning bells, or with expiration period so that when I love, I will specifically know when to throw it away not looking back, just like how we dispose expired bottles of sauces or a loaf of bread that has reached its expiration date. But then again love is not made up of sauces or breads is it? It is made up of hearts that intertwine in ways even our supreme creator can't deduce.

Ps: So I suppose, it is better to have loved and lost rather than never being loved? That I will never know, for nor am I loved nor do I have the courage to love. 

Go away Mr.Exams, Little Raeva doesn't like you! >:(

*Winks*

Wassup readers! How's life now that Monday is officially here? Anyone dare say that they are having fun? I for one am having one of the slowest, stuck in time, sleepy week. Is it a sense of ungratefulness in me that I am feeling it would have been better to have had any assignment to be completed? This slow paced life is the indication that the master of all, enemy of every student's life is coming. Yeap, I am welcoming Mr.Exams soon into my life. He is expected to drop by for about 2 weeks in 2 weeks time. I never appreciated his visits and I am sure I won't this time around too.

So, technically that would mean that I need to ensure the studying gets along right? Though I don't find myself distracted nor tempted to be distracted, it is just the thought of sitting there, memorising facts for hours that I would after all forget the moment I step outta the exam hall that is of a put off factor right now. Plus the fact that I do not really like the subjects I am taking this semester, except for the literature component, Stories for Young Learners. That one, is just where my heart is. Hey, I am after all a literature girl aren't I?
So, the conclusion is, I absolutely need to get it in my head that Mr.Exams is coming! So, if you see me loitering in Facebook or blog walking, chase me away ye? I will so appreciate you for that! But, do entertain me once in a while too, you know I need that. :)

Meet my friend, Hope. :)

On this lovely Saturday night, before I retire to bed, wishing for the sweetest of sweet dreams, let me tell you something. Hope lies in the heart of those that believe. It is not only a power to be able to hope for something, it is a form of love to. Love in this sense is of course an abstract form and I sure wish you understand what I am saying.
I don't understand why is it that we sit in a corner, holding our heads, gaze lowered to the ground and just let ourselves be broken by adversity. Life is not easy. The only way to survive this little game called life is to hope. Hope is not wish. Let me caution you. Hope simply means believing that you are able to get out of a sticky situation, trusting that you will be able to smile after a major thunderstorm.
People tell me that I am a positive person. I won't deny that but then again I am not saying that I am the kinda person that says, "Bring it on" to every challenge of life that I seem to be having nowadays. I am just saying that instead of holding my head down, not knowing what to do, I push myself to look up with this tiny flutter in my soul called hope. I hope each and every day that there will be one day in which life will not be a constant roller coaster ride. Does it work? Ya, it does! In a way no words can explain.
So that is hope. Hope is a friend we all need to let into our lives. Hope has no sexual orientation, race or religion, hence it is not bias. Hope loves those who love it. Hope will always be there for those that need it. Isn't that what we all crave for?

Hence, c'mon now, fellow readers, with a little smile, let's let Hope into our lives.

I am single, but taken. I am in love, but not in a relationship. Strange?

Alright darling readers of my blog, I have an announcement to make! I am officially in love! Yes, it just happened and no I am not delusional nor high. I am in love!

Who? What? When? I can understand how curious you are. Well, at this juncture, you know I am not going to say much. But I will tell you this. Ask me personally and I will tell you the whole story! 

I first had a crush on him, then a huge crush, then I liked him, then I liked him a lot and now, I am in love with him. 

How does it feel to be in love? Well, the same really. It is not like I am sitting here smiling for no reason, or staring at his messages, or looking at his pictures or anything. Well, I did do that yesterday. And I did change my desktop picture. But still, I insist, being in love feels the same. I just feel like a happier me. And I do like this "happier" me. 

Keeping him a secret ain't working though. I mean, I am so happy that I wanna talk non-stop about him. I always did, but now I am doing it more. It sort of is like living in a fantasy land, but way "real" than that. Get me? Too bad, my friends are ignoring me, as always. They just don't see what I see in him. He is so perfect in so many ways and imperfect in so many others, that just makes me fall even more. Oh, that voice, that expression, that attitude. A man so perfect, it is a blessing that he stumbled into my life. 

Yes, Raevarthy a.k.a. "The Love Guru"  is in love! 

But then again, every love story has to have a sad fact attached to it kan?

The only sad fact of this whole beautiful love story of mine is the fact that I am in a love with a guy that  has no freaking idea that I love him! Sad no? And to add to that fact, is the fact that he is actually a celebrity and oh ya, did I mention, he has a long line of girl fans! Neh, the possessive me hasn't kicked in yet. So, I am not really going nuts over it or anything. I mean, c'mon. How can you not admire him kan? 

So ya, I am in love with a celebrity! The logic, I insist is, it is so much better to fall for someone that you have no chance with rather than for someone that would not let you have a chance with them. Guys are complicated. So, why complicate yourself further trying to be a part of their life? Be like me. Fall for someone who you can stare at the whole day, talk about, stalk, have butterflies in the tummy, feel a whole lot of head spinning when you see their messages or listen to their voice and still have no relationship problems! Life is so much easier, not complicated and just perfect!
Hence, darling readers, this is my official announcement,
I am single, but taken,
I am in love, but not in a relationship.
Let's toast to that, shall we?

Ps: To that someone who has captured my heart, if you ever read this, no, I am not high nor crazy nor mad. I am just an ordinary girl that is in love with an extraordinary guy! I do love you so very much! 

When the old couple argued and I looked into my own soul. :)

It was a beautiful Saturday morning. Mum was busy writing out her grocery list, dad was watching some old movie on TV, and I was chatting with a friend on Facebook when the unpredictable happened! Alright, too big of a word. Well, something that I did not expect to happen happened.

I heard a loud scream followed by some shouting. We all looked up and at one another. Yes, a full blown argument was taking place. This is nothing unusual right? I mean, we all have neighbours that fight. The thing is, this was so surprising to me because it was my 78 year old neighbour uncle and 60 plus year old neighbour aunty cursing at one another. They were not necessarily the sweetest couple around but hey, after 40 plus years of living together, I would think that they wouldn't shout at one another to leave the house. But they did. The cursing, and swearing, and screaming was just too deafening to hear. Trust me on that. It went on for about half an hour and then just like that the noise died down. Life I suppose, moved on for them.

But then again, knowing me, you would know that I took it personal. It did make me think and voila I am here. I am not going to go on a debate here telling you that after years of marriage love does run out between a couple. That is not my stance. My stance here is simple. I do not want that. Yes, I am taking this on a personal level. I do not want a marriage in which after 50 odd years together he starts shouting at me and I curse him back. You know, I can argue too, which I am sure I will do if he starts questioning me or my beliefs.

So, where am I going with this? Well, people, I just feel like saying this. Relationships turn sour not because love runs out but because care does. When you care about someone, you would understand them. And even if you did not, you would pretend that you did. How come the little flutter of hearts, butterfly in tummy, smiling for no reason and bla bla just somehow goes away once we are tied to that particular someone that we fell for in the very first place? Why? 

If only we all remember the very first day that we fell in love, we would not have any problems in any of our love lives. And that my dears, is something you should think of. In order to have a problem free love life, you need to see him or her the same way you did when you first realized you were in love with him/her. After all, if the problem is LOVE then the solution is LOVE too kan?

It is after all an insensitive world!

I am currently in a very depressed, annoyed, about to blast at someone, can't calm down kinda state. The reason being something that I wish not to state here. Nevertheless even in this state of mind, I feel the necessity to state a few facts. And yes, this is written based on my unstable emotion and no I do not care of the repercussions of it.
I am done being a used mat. I am done being someone everyone can step on. Never once in a million years I thought I would be here today. Never once I thought this would bother me this much. But when you truly care, love and adore someone, it will hurt, and that is a lesson I learnt the hard way. Why did I share so many memories with you that now only seem as though I have been nothing but someone you had when you had no one? Alright fine. I know I am emo-ing. Well, a girl gotta emo at times to be the tough person she portrays whom she is not.
I also do not understand why people are so bias. And I honestly mean it. We all live in a country in which we have been taught to understand, tolerate, accept and appreciate one another's differences in religion, values, as well as way of life. The only thing is that after 21 years of life, here I am watching things that should not happen, happen in my life. If at 2012 we live among racism and colour coding, imagine when 2020 rolls in. Leave the nation aside for a minute. Look at our very own university, school, institution, place of work. Where do I even go with this? Patience is virtue they say. But what if being patient is only easier said than done? 

And then there is me. Trying to make sense of an insensitive world. That's just so me kan?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P- The unsinkable ship? Really?

Tada! I am here. Been a while hasn't it? I have definitely missed writing. I got caught up in keeping myself sane in a world that is a total madness that I even forgot I had a blog! Unbelievable kan? Anyway, in these few weeks of my absence, I have had some interesting encounters and events that I only wish I can pen them all down. But, like always, there is this one particular topic that made me think too much that I just had to write it down.
FRIENDSHIP.
That one ship that is deemed unsinkable. Not to me that is. No matter how many people I meet in my life or how many friends I make, I somehow believe that those friends that we laugh with, cry to, say "I love you" to, insult, and poke fun with will somehow be a stranger to us someday. Negative much? Trust me. I am being very judgmental, yes, but also very practical.
Life is unpredictable. So what do we do again? We hold those that we love close to us without ever forgetting that every one of them will leave us one day. We came into this world without any friends and we will leave as such. It is that thought that we should have in us. Why you ask? Simple.
In any friendship, there will come a time in which your relationship with that person will be tested. It will be worst than anything that you have ever been through. This is due to the fact that this person has no ties with you. They are just some stranger that you have learnt to trust and love. So what happens when that trust and love is proven to be lies? Or is it?
The thing about being friends with someone is that you can never tell when you should be angry and when you should give in. There are so many of us that have so many issues with our friends but we never voice them out because we still value friendship more than ego. But then again, how do you state your pick?
Funny how this particular relationship called "friends" work. Funny how someone you once know becomes someone you knew. Is there an end to friendship? God bless whoever who can answer that.