Because life is a beautiful melody in which the lyrics are messed up.

If only we all could wake up to a life of perfection and if only things never changes as the day passes, would we all be happier then? I am asking this question today because we all walk different routes in life. Some of us walk in rockier roads then the rest. The roads that some of us take are often filled with too many mountains that we are forced to climb, too many stormy seas that we are forced to sail through and too many  clouded skies that we search for ways to wade through. People say that you should never give up. If you are going through hell, then keep going because somehow even hell has an end that you will reach and finally find way to ultimate peace and freedom. That's a concept that we are familiar with. But here's what people don't tell you. Here is what no one ever speaks about.
How difficult it is to keep going. How difficult it is for our minds and hearts to tell our body not to give up. To find the strength to climb mountains, sail through stormy seas and wade through clouded skies is not easy. People tell you the concept but no one tells you that finding emotional strength to win physical battles is the toughest form of reality. That is something that only people who walk through rocky roads know. How does one remain sane in a road that pierces through every layer of skin that u have causing a pain that no words can describe? Is this what is said as bleeding on the inside? You don't see it but you feel it. With every step and every move that you make, the wound deepens. 

This is not a sad post. This is not a sign that I am a depressed person. And this is definitely not me saying that I can't handle the world. This is a virtual hug to those who walk through rocky roads, to those whose emotional pain can't match to any cure the world has to offer and this is me saying that I understand. Somehow we are all the same. Taking baby steps in a road that is beyond anything we have all prepared ourselves for. And just like that, the road is long. 

And then I saw the number "8000". :)

Here's to the first 8000. Officially reached 8000 views today. Doesn't really matter that I only have 34 followers. What matters to me is this drive, passion and urge that I feel in my heart to chase that dream of becoming a writer. What that I would write though is still a mystery even to me. I would love owning a column in a magazine or newspaper in which  I talk about the reality, fantasy and practicality of love, relationships, struggles of being a women with attitude, bla bla. If you know me, you know the dream. Another part of me is still flooding that one folder on my desktop with short stories based on themes that matter to me, mostly death, womenhood, and love. I know I have come far. I know that when I first started this blog it was more of a personal diary and now people come up to me, buzz me occasionally telling me how they read one post or another and felt this deep connection to the words. That never fails to put a smile on my face. It just reminds me of how similar we all are, we fight the same masked demons, we battle life, some in our own ways. And then there are a few others who ridicule me, who mock me for what I am doing. Letting the world see a part of me. For having this big dream in me. But then again, I have always been the kinda girl that loves to prove people wrong. I know that its a long journey. I am not going to wake up tomorrow with a book deal or a contract in front of me. It will take time. More days, more years. I am just focusing on keeping this passion alive for now.
That being said, I want to thank each and every one of you who has ever read any one of my post. To those of you who look forward to what I write and to the minority of you who drop comments, I owe you people so much. So, let's toast to the first 8000. :)

What if one is better than two?

Marriage makes it possible for you to annoy one person for the rest of your life.
I read that earlier. And when you are 22, you are spose to be thinking of marriage. Okay, scratch that. I am thinking of marriage as I am 22. It's actually really depressing when people around you are getting married at an age in which you look to your left/right and there is no one there. I mean, I know I am a  girl who would never depend on a man for security nor happiness. But the thing is, I can't quite put my thoughts into why is it that marriage is seen as a necessity. I know that sounds weird coming from Miss Love herself. But ya.
Remember how I spoke about change in my last post? I told you that I can't see in which way I have matured. I think I see it now. Not in a broad view though but just where this subject of "marriage" is concerned. I used to say that I don't believe in arranged marriages and that every one of us should fall in love before tying the knot. The concept is simple. When you walk down the aisle on the day of your wedding, you must be able to look up and see that man waiting for you there with so much love that somehow your heart must whisper that this is who you have been waiting for. So, why settle for anything less than that? I wonder. So ya, I still preach on love marriages. The aspect of change comes in terms of wanting a marriage. I don't wanna get married just because I should get married. I don't really care anymore. If I find someone (or someone finds me) and that someone is "my" someone, then fine. Marriage is in the list. But, so what if I never find anyone? So what if the "my" someone doesn't exist. I'd still be happy. I would adopt about 10 dogs off the streets, a dozen children from various countries, write a book on how they have changed my life, and truly be happy. In fact, to think about it, I think I might be happier this way.
A friend told me that the only reason I am saying this is because I am still considered very young and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. True. I don't deny that. But really think about it. Marriage is not a necessity. And besides, how sure are you that the person you marry, the life you build under the name of love really lasts? How sure are you? So maybe just maybe, one is better than two? Worth thinking.

Because I am me.

I am not supposed to write a blog post right now. But then again, I am doing it because...erm...well, because I always do what I want? Yeap, pretty much. Anyway, this post has no topic in particular and I doubt that it will "touch" you in any way at all, though let's admit, I love doing that. But still, with exams and all, I need to release some tension and worry. So, where else do I go but here, right?
Anyway, I was intending to talk about change. How much I have changed over the years and how much that has affected me as a person. I think we all go through that sudden phase of not knowing how on earth we have arrived where we are right now. Ooookay, am I making sense here?
Change. It is a big word. We all have definitely changed in a way or other since, I dunno...about one year ago, two years ago, yesterday? Point is, we all have changed and change is not necessarily for the good. I don't like it when people I know and love look at me and tell me that I have "matured". I don't see it. I still find myself having a child-like behaviour, though not to everyone. But point is, why is it that as much as my age has increased, I don't think my maturity level has? Is it because I am scared of the world? Scared of responsibilities? That's an understatement considering what that I have been through and the responsibilities that I have shouldered. Deciphering this is tough, really.
The way I view myself is just so damn different from what people perceive me to be as and at times it bugs me that it is as so. I know I always say screw what people think but doesn't it bother you at times that this person, this whole individual that they assume you to be is not who you really are? Doesn't it bother you? Doesn't it tap at your conscience telling you to do something?
So ya, change. It is a big big word. How much I have changed? Well, you wouldn't see it. Because beneath this smile, this carefree personality and the "me" you see is a person that you might have met, but perhaps never given the chance to know. Is that for good or for bad? Guess I don't have an answer to that.

Life, Memories, Death, Love.

Life, memories, death, love. 4 words that I find myself entwined with. There is no such thing as people living forever and hence death is a term that we all will deal with, some now, some then and some in the near future. I am compelled to believe that in each and every one of our lives there is someone that death took away from us. Someone that our heart looks for even as our minds struggle with the thoughts of them not being here anymore. That's when memories hit us. Memories of good times, memories of laughter, and just everyday memories that back then did not matter as much as it does now. So where does life and love stand then? 

Life and love are holding hands mocking me right here on my face. Laughing at my inability to move away from memories and embrace life. Love on the other hand is looking at me with such sinister stare reminding me that I used to call myself, "Miss Love". Oh how much has changed!  

Those 4 words: Life, Memories, Death and Love. They all do nothing to me when looked at collectively. But break it down, take a word at a time and my knees wobble lightly, my lips quiver and my eyes give way. Despite knowing that everyone out there suffers their own battles, I can't break away from believing that maybe just maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe, just maybe, behind every word that I have listed, I deserve a little more than what it has offered me so far. 

Each word has a path of its own. Each word tears me down. And each word stabs at my soul. The funny part is that with each word, I feel a sense of pride. Maybe I don't deserve this. But I deserve the lessons I have learnt with each path that I took. 

PS: You mix a cup of comfort green tea with some old melodious songs, and this is what you get. 

A token of appreciation for someone who has always been my 'someone to count on'.

Brother. A word that I have not been accustomed to for almost 18 years of my life. I was not born with brothers. There are no male cousins in my life for me to call a brother or for me to annoy with love. I have a sister whom I love more than words can say and a handful of cousin sisters who some I love and some I don't have much to say about. I don't come from a perfect extended family, as you can see.
Family to me means my mum, dad, sister and Ruby and Dino. They are the ones that I truly trust and whom I know will never give up on me. In the midst of believing in that, I met someone very special who walked into my life casually, and decided to shower me with love. Why he did that and continue to do that is still a big mystery to me. We are not tied by blood but he is someone who has shown me the true meaning of brother. He is not afraid to tell me when I am wrong and he never gave up on me. I can honestly say that even if I had brothers of my own, it is still unsure that they would love me as much as he does. For the last 3 years of my life, I have had a baby brother who listened when I crapped, who wiped away my tears when I cried and who told me that I am stronger than anything the world throws my way. It is honestly a blessing to have met someone who cares for me the way he does. Here's to my baby brother who turns 21 today. I love you so much. This one is for you.
I want to thank you for the times you called me up to check on me.
The times you looked at me and told me to always count on you.
And for the times you stood by your words.
For the times you told me that I might not know what God has planned for me, but that it would always turn out good.
For the times you listened when I talked about how unfair life is.
For the times you helped me up when life knocked me down.
For the times you dealt with my familial problems.
For the times you gave me your time.
I want to thank you for who and what you have been to me.
A friend.
A guidance.
A light at the end of the tunnel
A person to believe, trust and count on
and a baby brother to annoy with love.
But most importantly, I want to thank you for calling me "akka" and actually treating me like one.
So, as you turn 21, i want to wish you the very best in life. You deserve it. Happy birthday Swaran!