Looking for answers in a dark sky.

I am not supposed to be here writing this out. I had summed up my April with the previous post I wrote. But still, there is no saying as to when what shall happen and what better way do I have rather than typing it all out, putting words into my emotions? Maybe I am after all not meant to be doing the things I am. Maybe, just maybe all this pain and hurt is not worth it. Why am I feeling this way? I thought I knew in my head and heart, where I stood and what I wanted. Yet, I am as confused as anyone can ever be right now.
I just woke up from a beautiful dream, yet I woke up in cold sweats rather than a huge smile on my face. And if you asked me, I wouldn't know why. Perhaps I am more afraid than ever as to where I am going with all these. I know that I am a strong young lady, but the thought of possibly not being in that one position, freaks me out right now. I hate myself for this! I hate how attached I get to people.
I swore I would never regret when it comes to things I have done in my life, and yet here I am wondering what would have happened if I choose a different pathway that very long time ago. Would it have been better to have hurt like hell and then forget, rather than to be so happy and now in so much pain?
I do not want to feel this way. I do not want this insecurities. I do not want these feelings. I do not want to go back to where I was a year ago. But...but...how do I do it? Especially, when it means this much to me! How do I put a fullstop to what that I really want, deep down in my heart? I am playing with fire here. I realise that. And I know that playing with fire can be dangerous. But, there have been people who play with fire for a living and yet nothing happens to them. So, metaphorically speaking, there is a slight possibility, if not a 50% ratio that I would survive with fire in my hands right? Or, will I be burnt out at the end? How do I find an answer for that if both my physical being is clashing with my emotions as how my head is debating with my heart?

Goodbye April and the people in it! :)

Finally! Let me breathe a huge sigh of relief! I am done with the assignments for this semester. True, I do have the Moral's coursework to be submitted soon and I haven't even read the question. Well, since when have we ever bothered about Moral to be bothered now kan? Kan Kan? :P Anyway, have you noticed how fast we have come to the end of April? I still remember how I walked into April and soon am walking out of it and into May. May is the month in which everyone gets a little too tensed, too worried, too busy and just about loses it as the exams round the corner and we are forced to grasp with studying and tidying up the leftovers of the sem. It is indeed a hassle. So with the sem ending soon, guess what I am doing? I am not thinking! I am doing things in a rush nowadays and true enough, I know that it may have the tendency to kinda sorta hurt me at the end. But still, I have always believed in following my heart rather than my brains. So ya. There is one issue though that has been bugging me throughout this month. And that would be the issue of friendship. How okay is okay. How far can the bonds of a friendship stretch to? Are there any limitations in terms of being close to a person? Someone told me recently that the more closer you are to someone, the more you give them the permission to hurt you. It is best to not know much and to not ask much. If you know me, you know that would be impossible! I get attached to people easy. And I somehow belief that friends are one of the most important relationships in the world, more than your extended family! Funny huh? But then again, it got me thinking. Why is it that certain people do not see the value of a friendship? Why is it that some people are a little bit too blinded and a little too selfish? In friendships, there are only one side of the coin. So if you start disagreeing, then you just somehow gotta value the relationship more than your ego. But in saying that, why would someone hurt you if they care right? I most definitely do not have the answer to that. Friends are also people that know you the best. But how close is close? Can you take advantage of your friends? Some times people tend to use you for their own good. Are those people even friends in the very first place? Or how about people who only bother to keep in touch coz they need you for something? I hate people like that! And finally, is it okay to fall in love with a friend? Erm...how do I answer this? Well, there is a saying that love is indeed friendship caught on fire. Well, I am not one to know that. I know though that if people are meant to be together, they would find a way to one another no matter what happens. There is a friend who told me that the best feeling in the world is to fall in love with a friend. Well, she had it that way and is now very happy. But ya, like I said, we never know! Well, life is getting a little bit too serious for me nowadays. I am growing up and yet still struggling to keep up with the world. With April gone, I am looking forward to starting May with a big bang and ending the semester with a wide smile. Let's all hope for the best! :)

Moving on from Love. :)

Moving on is hard. There are no simpler ways to explain it. It is just plain freaking hard. You linger on for far too long than you should. You try getting things back into track but the only real thing that you are doing is falling into the very same pathway that you swore you would never take again. This post is written at an hour that I feel so proud of. An hour worth keeping a record of since I now know for sure that I have indeed moved on. It is 2 in the morning and nothing feels greater than typing this out right now.
I have lingered on for too long, I have stayed more than I should have and I have tried making sense of things. Sometimes, you can’t mend stuffs and it is ok because you do not need any one else’s opinion of yourself but you. And there is where we fail. We consider ourselves caring but in reality we are just the slaves of other people’s emotions. We let that influence who we are.
In reality, each and every one of us, have this inner voice that would always drive us to do the right things, But, how do we know for sure it is right? That is where we ask our souls. It may sound crazy to some, but if all that I have taken on a journey with this particular book has taught me, it is that I am made of two people. The outside me and the inside soul of mine that whispers to me all the time. It is just that I am too blinded or too deaf to hear its whispers. At an hour at which I curled myself up and started crying, I knew I found my answer. The only thing that I needed was myself. I do not need to hold on to things that hurt me or have the slightest possibility to hurt me. If I am craving for love, then it is the love from my own soul that I truly deserve. How easy is it for us to forget that?
I asked myself yesterday, what is it that I really want? And I heard it whisper back. I want happiness. Just plain happiness. Then I asked myself, do you know where you can find that happiness? And it told me, not at where you are right now. Get rid of it Raevarthy. Get rid of the past. Do not let that haunt you or your life. Do not live in the shadow of another person. You are worth that much girl. See for yourself. I must tell you this, this entire conversation took place within me. I ask a question out loud and wait for myself to reply to it. As funny as it sounds, it worked for Elizabeth Gilbert, why can’t it for me? And the best part of all, I am now way clearer than I ever was.
I asked myself today, is it hurting you? And my soul said it is not. I said would it matter to you if you do not end up where you always wanted to? And my soul said no it does not because I am here. And I will look after your heart. You may choose happiness. The journey will hurt, yes, but at the end of it all, it will be worth it. So I took a deep breath and I knew I have finally moved on.
I have moved on. I wish I can say more, but I think I have done enough. Some things are meant to be buried in you forever. And this is one of it.

What if love is just a lie?

I was talking to a friend earlier and somehow the topic ran into love and I asked him, "What if love is just a lie?". And that got me thinking. It really could be a lie. I remember reading an article on that somewhere. And so I searched my mail and found it. Here it goes. To those that might be as confused as I am, this one is for you.

Love is just a word we created to delude ourselves into chasing something beautiful. When I ask you what is love you wouldn’t be able to give me a straight answer I’m sure, each one of you will talk about it the way they see it, there is no definition for love and that’s why it doesn’t exist, but we believe in it, pushing ourselves to go after another lie … happiness, we think that when we find love we will find happiness but once again I ask you what is happiness? Do you have a definition for this word or is it just another fantasy we deluded ourselves to believe?

Two months ago I have been watching an Arabic series called “Forgiveness” and it turned out to be one of the best I’ve seen actually, not because the story was very moving but for the thoughts I found on it, for the reality that we rarely see on TV shows, it talked about love and happiness, do they really exist or are they just some fantasies that we forced ourselves to believe in order to add the excitement into our lives? I am one of those people who don’t believe in eternal love and happy endings, but yet I see the necessity for their existence in our minds.

That character had a great mind with such enlightened thoughts, he followed his reason and took the right directions in life, he didn’t fall in love but he got married reasonably with the right girl for him and lived happily, but I think he missed a lot though, he didn’t feel the rush of falling in love, he never felt the thrilling heart beats when someone sees his beloved, he never experienced the pain of getting hurt and the bitterness in saying goodbye, I believe he missed some overwhelming feelings that make a spicy taste for life.

So the way I see it, love does not exist neither does happiness but nevertheless we need to believe in them in order to live a worthy life, to push us forward into new directions, to experience the feelings we only knew through songs and poems, to make memories and stories that we will keep talking about even when we’re 80 years old, well, sometimes we need to put all out beliefs aside and sail across this life, take risks, make mistakes, fall in love and feel the good taste of life while passing through this world.

And am I still confused? Yes I am. Maybe it is time I stopped reading all those love novels and quit on those romantic movies. Maybe it is time I admitted that love might just be a lie after all.

Because life is cruel.

I am so messed up. Honestly. I am not joking. I used to be the most sensible person around. I used to have all these believes and notions and principles. I used to have a high level of patience. And I really used to like my life and everything in it.
You just do not know when things go wrong I suppose. Or when a friend turns into a foe, or when life suddenly pushes you to grow up, or when you fall in love for that matter. So, yes, I am pretty messed up. And I say that because I am just not who I used to be. And I suppose that life is hitting me at the most random hours. Like I will be happy for about a day and the next I will start thinking of how complicated stuffs really are. And then, where do you go? Who is willing to listen to me start complaining on how I think I am so screwed up? Or how I am scared that I would lose another friend? Or how scared I am that things won't go the way I want it to? Or how petty little things make me upset for days or how jealous I get? Seriously, no one is willing to. Because life is cruel. And that is what everyone should be taught!
Growing up and all, we are taught to trust, to believe in people. We hold the hands of our parents and take our first steps. That's trust. Then, we hold the hands of our siblings in school, that's trust. Then we hold the hands of our friends as we move on into childhood and our schooling years. And that we call trust too. I wont deny that all that is trust. But then again, as we finally mature, or call ourselves matured, there is none to be trusted. Take me up on that.
I wouldn't say that I do not trust my friends, because I do. In fact, I love them. But there is this thing in me that is ticking away reminding me that no one should be trusted. That I should seal my thoughts and my emotions. That the more closer you get to someone, the more they would hurt you. I want to burst out. I want to be able to speak without being judged. And where do you find all that? Sometimes the most closest of closest will not hear. Because life is cruel. It is as simple as that.

Sexism in a whole new angle. :)

I am not a sexist. All I preach for is that women should be treated equally as to men in this world. And yet, I must say I had an intellectual conversation with an old friend and he made me see the other side of the coin too. I mean, why shouldn't men be treated equally to women then? True right?
Let me break it down to you. Why is it that the society looks down at stay at home dad's and say nothing to stay at home mom's? Isn't that a form of discrimination then? That the place of a women is at home while the male population has to always be out there, working for his family and all. I mean, what if he did not want to? What if he wanted to be the one who looked after the household stuffs? Why is it that such guys are looked down upon and judged as being just plain lazy or stupid? Now, that is something I never thought of. So yes, although it was a good argument that I had, I must say that he is right too.
And with that, I want to ask this to all girls out there, would you be with such a guy? He asked me that. If your answer is no, then why complain that the women are being discriminated? True right? Aren't we girls making that assumption then, putting ourselves down?
So yes, I am not a sexist but yet, I would demand to be respected for who i am. So chances are that if you started the whole gender biased topic with me, I will support my own female society first. After all, we can never let go of our roots right? :)

April and I am already a sexist. Women have rights too!

Okay. So, we just walked into April. How has it been so far folks? Anyone still keeping up with their new year resolutions? Anyone has already given up on the year and waiting for it to end as much as I do? Well, what can you say. It is always so exciting to walk into a new year, we make new goals, new resolutions, promise ourselves that at least this time around it will be different that by the time you know it, you are back to where you said you won't be So new year is equals to new spirit? Definitely not for me.
Right, so before I start annoying you with my blue spirit, let us talk about something very interesting. Boys. Okay, before you roll your eyes and go, "Here she goes again", let me tell you that this has nothing to do with love or romance or anything of that sort. I am here today to talk about attitude in general. And ya, to those that might find this post slightly sexist, well, I have always been an advocate of women's right and equality, so don't blame me. You are free to leave.
So let me start with saying that I don't get the whole idea of women being inferior to men. I mean, ya, it has been there for ages that a women's place is in the kitchen. But that was in an era in which women did not have any opportunities to study..to be educated. So, what's the whole idea about kitchen being associated to women? Like really guys, are you that mentally blind to not see that we have advanced enough to stand equally with you out there? In any field..you name it and we have definitely proved our capability. And that being said, yes, I believe that a kitchen is not where a woman belongs, instead it is a place in which she should reign. So what it means is, stop saying that we can't do certain things. In fact, I think women make better decisions than men. You are free to argue with me on that.
Next up, lets speak about the whole idea of women being associated with sex. Oookay. It is very simple. Stop seeing women as sex objects. We have feelings too. We are intellectually capable too. So ya, look at the brains not the body. And that is a huge shout out to those guys that "like" to look at us, inappropriately. Simple. Keep your eyes up not "down". Blunt huh? Sorry, this is something just not excusable to me. So yes.
Anyway, this post wasn't influenced by anyone or any incident in particular. It is just something I have always wanted to say. And before the bombarding starts, I know guys that are so respectful to women that it is a blessing to the entire guys population. And to those guys, hats off to you. At least there is still some hope for the population of guys.
Haiz. So I suppose it is only April and I am already being some sort of a sexist. Well, people, it is just the environment that I find myself in lately. Things just seem so different when you are 21.