I am not supposed to be here writing this out. I had summed up my April with the previous post I wrote. But still, there is no saying as to when what shall happen and what better way do I have rather than typing it all out, putting words into my emotions? Maybe I am after all not meant to be doing the things I am. Maybe, just maybe all this pain and hurt is not worth it. Why am I feeling this way? I thought I knew in my head and heart, where I stood and what I wanted. Yet, I am as confused as anyone can ever be right now.
I just woke up from a beautiful dream, yet I woke up in cold sweats rather than a huge smile on my face. And if you asked me, I wouldn't know why. Perhaps I am more afraid than ever as to where I am going with all these. I know that I am a strong young lady, but the thought of possibly not being in that one position, freaks me out right now. I hate myself for this! I hate how attached I get to people.
I swore I would never regret when it comes to things I have done in my life, and yet here I am wondering what would have happened if I choose a different pathway that very long time ago. Would it have been better to have hurt like hell and then forget, rather than to be so happy and now in so much pain?
I do not want to feel this way. I do not want this insecurities. I do not want these feelings. I do not want to go back to where I was a year ago. But...but...how do I do it? Especially, when it means this much to me! How do I put a fullstop to what that I really want, deep down in my heart? I am playing with fire here. I realise that. And I know that playing with fire can be dangerous. But, there have been people who play with fire for a living and yet nothing happens to them. So, metaphorically speaking, there is a slight possibility, if not a 50% ratio that I would survive with fire in my hands right? Or, will I be burnt out at the end? How do I find an answer for that if both my physical being is clashing with my emotions as how my head is debating with my heart?