Friday, October 26, 2012

Crying for no reason.... Try it!

You know how sometimes, you just wake up feeling a little blue and depressed? Like you don't wanna get out of bed and face the world? Have you ever had those kinda days in which all you wanna do is just pull the blanket over your head and drown into a deep sleep so that you don't need to think, feel, worry or do anything of that sort? God bless you my child if you answered no to that.
I woke up in a daze today. Mum got a little worried considering how I slept early last night and was still not up. She asked me what's wrong and I just shrugged. How do you answer what's wrong when you yourself have no idea right? So, I then walked to the bathroom and stayed there for a whole 40 minutes. Took the longest shower ever trying to decide how to put away worrying thoughts and a heart that seemed to be beating ever so fast for no reason. Did it work? It made things even worse. Mum came banging the bathroom door asking me why I was not out. Again, I couldn't answer her because I did not have an answer to that either. 
Eventually when I was done with all that, still figuring out why I feel the way I do, I got myself a cup of coffee and toasted a slice of bread. Even while eating with my eyes glued on tv, with dad and mum chatting away happily, I just did not know what to do, say, or feel. I couldn't put my mind to exactly why I was feeling the way I was, despite being quite good at helping people understand their emotions. 
And then I did the most stupid thing ever, which is not really stupid considering the fact that I do it almost everyday. I went online. I logged into Facebook and scrolled through my homepage. There, that did it to me. I cried. I don't mean cry as if in, wipe away a silent tear that is trickling down the cheek kinda thing. I cried. I stuffed my face in my pillow and cried. Tears after tears. What I saw on Facebook that actually brought me to do that? Good question, really. Because I don't have an answer to that either. 
I just saw depressing, sad, emo status'es up there by some random people that you can't even say are my close friends and yet, I cried. Pretty childish for a 21 year old. Yeap, I get it. 
Point here is, I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why life is cruel. And I certainly don't know why I seem to be able to not cry when I should and cry when I should not. That, there is as confusing as it sounds.
 I am an amazing girl with an outer and inner strength that could move mountains and battle through any hurdle thrown my way. I know I sound a tad bit self praising but I am honestly very proud of who I am. Been through a lot, and still surviving. But right here in this heart and soul of mine is a calling that I can't deduce. Emotions that strike at the most random hours and memories that fill the heart when you don't expect them to. Funny how they say life would shape you into who you deserve to be. Because I say, life is pretty messed up itself and no, life can't decide who you should be. That my friends, is somehow something we are all stuck figuring out. 
So, as for me, crying really did make me feel better even though I don't know why I cried. Maybe, just maybe I need a therapist after all?

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