The rule of teaching: Never ever give up.
The reality: Cry yourself to sleep but wake up stronger.
It has taken me a very long time to write my first post on my second phase of practicum because I was shy. Shy to tell you that of all people I knew, I never once expected myself to give up on teaching. And I did just that last Monday. Monday was one of the toughest days I have ever had to encounter in my teaching life. Imagine entering a class of little 8 year olds who not only did not understand what you said but did not bother trying to? How would you feel? Well, I broke down because I did not know what I am supposed to do. Here is what happened.
My practicum partner who is also a close friend and I are supposed to take one period per week dedicated especially for the KSSR syllabus. We will be teaching Language Arts and yes there is evaluation plus observation for this. I love literature and hence I really like Language Arts. I was looking forward to this especially since sharing a classroom with another teacher is something I like. Funny, I know. Anyway, that Monday was the very first day that we met our kids. Our year 2 kids who will be our little "Language Arts Experiment". And all hell broke lose. They did not understand a word that I said. Not even a word. Oh that is not the bad part of it. The fact that I stood there for a good solid 30 minutes just teaching them 3 basic rules, using all the gestures, associations, pictures, body language that I can and then checking with them if they did understand anything, getting chorused with a yes, feeling better and finally when my friend took over the class, I had the first speechless moment of my career. You know what happened? She asked them, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". And the entire class, about 30 or so kids chorused back, without missing a beat, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". Yeap, they just repeated her question. They did not understand anything I told them. Yeap, nothing. And mind you, we are talking about a school which is situated in the heart of Bangsar. An urban school. My mind when blank, my heart cringed a little, I felt numb, as though a million needles were poking me through and it is bleeding but there is no pain. Yes, the first speechless moment of my teaching career. That broke me down. Why? I was just overwhelmed with too many emotions at once. Sad for these kids, feeling a little pressure from my conscience urging me to do something to change them, and above all, the "what if I can't do anything" feeling returned. It is really horrible to feel insecure in something you know is your passion. So, that night I cried myself to sleep, I told myself to not give up no matter what happens and well, honestly, I have no idea what this Monday is going to bring to me. I am looking forward to it though.
As for the rest, well, I am teaching year 5 once again and this time my kids are different. They are not attention-seekers, they fear me a little (why, I have no idea) and they surprise me a lot! I will tell you about them another day. Wait for it ya?
Well, whatever happens, at the end of the day I am just telling myself that I am an awesome teacher. Now the hard part is, believing in it.
Signing off as Miss Raeva.