Thursday, October 20, 2011

Broken hearts and bruised wounds

Honestly, I thank GOD for what He did for me yesterday. I know it was all him. And I thank him so much for that. He probably made me the happiest girl on earth.

But somehow, within that happiness, I am bruised all over. How do I explain this? I know I promised myself I won't cry. But how not to? I look at you and you are perfect. Do you see what I see? My heart doesn't skip a beat. It is stable. It is right there. All I feel is how right everything is. How perfect the way I feel. How comforting. Then you turn and look at me. For the briefest second. And you turn away. And then reality hits. You are everything in my eyes and I'm no one to you. You don't hold my gaze and I can't explain why. I don't know why I let you affect me this much without even you intending to do so. It hurts to know that you do not feel the way I feel.

And yes, you talk to her. You laugh with her. You share an umbrella with her. I thought it was jealousy and since I'm used to it, I let it go. Then I realised its not jealousy. It's knowing that I can never have all that. What do they call that emotion, I don't know. It's knowing I can't go back to a new start. It's knowing that even in a million years we won't share all that I wish we could.

All that we shared is silence. And I'm appreciative for that too. Maybe somewhere in that silence, lay the answers I don't want to hear. You gave me a good day. By just being who you are, even if I was not a part of it. The tears that I wiped as I saw you leave reminded me of how much hope hurts. I looked up at a star last night and wished for one last day. One last day to be spend with you. Even if it was just a silent day, I still want it. I want to have that memory engraved in my heart as I search for a closure.

I'll tell you this today, "The worst way to love someone is to stand right next to them and know that they will never love you back"

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