There is this one quote...a saying perhaps, that has been spinning around my head for a couple of weeks now. It started way back when I said my final goodbyes in college and drove home. It has been there, kinda like a drug that I keep on going back to. It's there alright and it is driving me crazy.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.