I had less than 6 hours of sleep last night, and I do not feel sleepy. I guess I should really knock myself for waking up at 8 and then not having anything to do. Sure, I have got notes to sort out, I suppose I could help with the cooking and cleaning, and ya, the television is still there. But, here I am, with a hot mug of coffee, trying to figure out why I'm growing old so fast. Right, that did make me sound like I'm having a mid-life crisis. But, what am I suppose to do? I feel old. Or more so, that I feel I'm growing old too fast.
I'll be turning 21 in less than a month. 21 is a huge number. I remember being little and attending all those grand 21st birthdays that people had and wanting to grow up so badly so that I could have my own grand one. I wanted the big cake, huge row of food, and lots of people at my own. Well, then I grew up and now I feel birthdays are meant to be celebrated with the ones that you love and whom that love you in return. So ya, I think I'd skip the cake, the food and definitely the part of celebrating it with a huge crowd.
I had a good one last year. I ordered a cake that I loved, fought with the cashier and got myself 20 candles, made sure he squeezed Dino's name next to mine on the cake, and I jumped and laughed and had the best time of all. And of course last year, he was there with me. He told me I looked beautiful in my traditional punjabi and he got me a pink purse that I still hug whenever I miss him. And no matter how many pictures I have, it still does not replace him. It was not supposed to end this way. I always expected him to be there for me forever. Knowing that he wanted to do something special for me this birthday, hurts even more. But then, it turned out that God loved him more and he took him away too soon, too fast. Either way, I still can't find the courage to face the 18th February yet.
So ya, I am turning 21 on the 18th. Am I any different? Well, I looked at myself in the mirror today and I could see a huge difference. I am no longer the carefree 13 year old who had her entire life laid out for her. Now, I have to make decisions, I have to be grown-up. Ya, that did not sound good. We all know how I am driven by my heart, not mind.
Anyway, feeling old is one thing but to have people look at you from a different perspective really makes things worse. My mum and I ran into one of her old friends at the temple last week. Mind you, I never knew this lady existed. She looked at me and gushed on how much I had grown. The age old phrase, "I remember you as this tiny girl and now you are all grown-up". Ya. What does one do at those situations, tell me. I gave her one of my winning smiles and she just had to ask my mum how old I was. I knew where it was going so I walked off. Honestly, I can't stand another person who starts asking when on earth I was getting married. I'm barely 21 people! Get over the fact that some people just don't like to be married off young.
And speaking of being old, I thought of doing something drastic as a change this time around. I mean, I have read tons of magazines that said that your hair might make you look old. So, I contemplated chopping off my long hair that is just to my waist. I always do something different for my birthday. Last year, I started wearing contact lenses. But then again, I mentioned it to one of my guy friends and he looked at me in horror. He said that we girls did not know what on earth we were doing and that guys really like girls with long hair. I told him to get his facts straightened, but ya, it could be true after all. So being single, and knowing that I am indeed growing old, and watching people I have grown up with settle down, maybe I should keep my hair after all.
Then I wondered on whether I should get my nose pierced. I really like it on other people. I mean Bagya looks really pretty with it. And she told me I'd look pretty too. But ya, you know my level of pain tolerance. I'd probably chew off the hands of whoever who did it. And I really like not having anything on my face. Anything metal that is.
So, ya, maybe the whole idea of growing old scares me. But I know that I can never stay young forever. It is time I went out, had dates, tried something out of my comfy zone like bungee jumping or even horseback riding and just had fun. Life never waits for anyone right?
Ps: Still contemplating on the hair part. Maybe I'd look cooler with a short boy crop. Ooookay..Now, that so doesn't sound like me!