Wiser, Stronger, Better

I return a year later, wiser, stronger and different. I sniff the snippets of words I left behind and I feel a pang of guilt. I shouldn't have moved on from writing. It kept me sane. It fueled my dream of becoming a novelist and it was a friend I had. So, I am here now. Trying to keep myself together as I drift along a familiar river of emotions, fighting of invisible currents and reminding myself that this is for the better. I am here for a reason. Someone close mentioned to me about this blog, how he read it even before knowing me. I blushed and tried to hide my shame. I was shameful of everything I wrote. Little did I know, I would be here today thanking myself for those posts. They remind me of what a damn good writer I am, of how I had the ability to string emotions with words and how I should be proud of that. I am working on all those though especially of carrying my head up. The tiara I once wore proudly is gone. Where do I look for it, I ask myself?

Point is, I am here. Wiser, stronger and better. And, I am here to stay. I will dust of the hanging webs, inject life to this blog in its death bed and I will find my tiara. 

Looking for my gleaming tiara, 

Raevarthy 

What if I wake up one day and feel I do not want to be a teacher any longer?

I think every teacher goes through this phase, regardless of  a novice or veteran. That moment when you doubt why you took up teaching in the first place. And in this 94th day of my teaching life I am sitting here, amidst a confused mind, a yearning soul and an aching heart wondering why I ended up being a teacher. I struggle to contain the tears. The inner me has grown tired of saying the same, "You can do this, Raevarthy" for the umpteenth time today and it has gone to a corner to take a nap. Drama much? Maybe this is how depression feels like. Like everyone around you are alive but you are not. "Where on Earth is your positive self, Raevarthy?" Or "What the hell happened, Raevarthy?", you may ask. Here's me wondering the same.
I sit here and relive yesterday's class in my head. How excited I was that a Nazir choose to observe me. While the others cringed, hoping not to be picked, I was wishing to. I think I am an excellent teacher, or else I thought so. Those years of IPBA life where I always did well in Micro-teachings and Practicums. Hell, I was observed for GC! I remember that feeling of walking out of classes in full swing with a huge smile on my face and a high even those hooked on alcohol or drugs will never feel. Read my previous post and you will know.
And then here I am. Sitting at my desk, wishing the bell won't ring and I wouldn't need to take that walk to that one class which has given me so much to ponder on. I check my watch. Another 20 minutes. Here's to hoping I would feel better after this post. Because truthfully, not a soul wants to sit next to me, ask me what's wrong, or why I feel this way. And truthfully, I don't think I will be able to say anything without bursting into tears.
Yesterday I took my kids to the lab. They are the last class pupils with an extremely limited range of English proficiency and are known for their discipline problems. I had a meticulously prepared lesson. Lots of fun. And then she walked in. I was calm. I knew what I wanted to do. It started off well. My kids were seated and well behaved. They wished her. Wide inquisitive eyes looked on for the next instruction. And then I started teaching. It was all ok. A boy shifted in his place and kicked the boy next to him. I saw that. I stopped, asked him to sit next to me and I continued on. Another voice chirped in, "Teacher, tengok dia...dia ambil pencil saya...dia kacau saya". I smile at them. Patience level is still very high. I reprimand that behaviour and I continue. They are responding to my questions! After a lot of gestures and a lot of prompting! Ok, I am still ok. And then half an hour passes. And knowing my kids, I knew it is going to be difficult. One boy screams at the top of his lungs, "Teacher!!!! Bosan! Saya nak tidur!" and he sleeps on the ground. I watch in horror. The Nazir is at the back. She looks at me. I walk to the boy, say "Sayang, tolong bangun. Jom kita belajar. Kita jadi pandai hari ini, nak?". He looks at me, smiles and sits up straight. A relief! But by the time I went there, the rest has somehow found something more interesting to do than my boring presentation I suppose. The boys are banging on the floor with their hands and the girls are pulling on one another's tudung's. "Ok, Stay clam Raevarthy. You can do this", I say to myself. I get them to stand and raise their hands, move a little. Then they sit and I set them on task. The task is to copy 4 simple sentences into their exercise books. I go to one of the girls who can't write, I adjust the posture of her hands. While I am with her, one boy screams, extremely loud I might add, "KELING!". My ears shoot up. The rest of the pupils start screaming at him. I hear "Teacher, X cakap Keling! Teacher rotan dia! He shouts, "Aku x cakap",,,they start arguing. I call him to the front. He comes. I ask, "X cakap x perkataan tu"? He looks at me, laughs and nods his head. My blood boils, to say the least. After a gazzilion times of hearing that being said, and a gazzilion times later of punishments and reinforcements and going up to the headmaster's office, it still happened. Ok, a Nazir is at the back. I look at her. I look at my pupils. I ask, "Kelas, betul x apa yang dia cakap?". They say NO. Ok, settled. He says sorry. I let him go. What else am I supposed to do? Stand there and yell at him. Honestly, I am tired of doing that. I have done that countless times before for the same reason.
 But that is not hell yet. Oh, remember the 4 sentences? Well, not even one has written the first. They are busy punching one another, sleeping on the floor and somehow found excitement in playing with the LCD light. 26 of them versus one of me.I am tired of scenes replaying. I watch this happening every day. It isn't that my lessons are boring. I have tried everything, from ICT based lessons to chalk and talk to using a variety of materials to telling stories in class. I even give them sweets, and little gifts as a form of reinforcement every time they hand in their books or finish their homeworks ( if it happens at all) Name it. I bet you I have done it. They know the classroom rules by heart. But, do they know what it means even after explaining, by examples I might add, every single time before I begin a lesson? Nope.
So, there I stood with a Nazir at the back watching me, my kids running around the class, jumping here and there, laughing and throwing their books in the air to say the least. I stop. It isn't one disruptive behaviour. It is 26 disruptive behaviours. After a whole semester of classroom management, I cannot control my class. I yell out with a stern, "3 X, settle down!". They look at me, laugh and continue on. I can see even those who were interested to learn at the beginning are now busy doing something else. I try my best to stay calm. Oh yes, remember the inner voice I told you...she is back whispering in my head, "Raevarthy, it is going to get better. Just be you.". I look back at her mockingly. This, this whole thing that is happening in front of my eyes? Hell just broke lose and please tell the floor to open and swallow me up. I stand there for a few seconds, watch everyone. I check my watch. An hour has passed since we begin. Another half an hour to go. I walk up to the Nazir, keep my cool and tell her, "Madam, I am sorry. My kids are very restless. They need a new environment. I am sending them back to class,". She looks at me with a smile, "Sure. I understand". The kids go back to class. I stand there for a good few seconds wondering what I did wrong before I go sit next to her to hear what she thinks of me as a teacher.
It isn't so much about what she told me that has me sitting here typing this out. She was a very sweet person who gave me constructive feedback and told me to not give up teaching. But it is that feeling of worthlessness I suppose. I cannot bring myself to blame my kids after everything that happened. I feel that I have let them down somehow. I know I did my best and I know I have tried everything I could imagine of.
I never knew that I could feel this way in my teaching career. Defeated. Yes, that's the word.
I walk around school with my head hung low today. I look at my kids with a feeling of emptiness. I am here but my teaching soul has left a long time ago. What if I wake up one day and decide, I do not want to do this any longer? Where will I go to then? I cannot stop asking myself this since yesterday.

I miss you.

Hey there. I know we have not been speaking in a while. But, I wanted to let you know that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I just...I guess I wanted to say something. After all the silence and pushing away memories, I wanted to say something. Here it goes. I miss you.
Not I regret what happened or I want you. Just, I miss you. I miss you not in the sense that I wish things were different or I crave your presence in my life. I miss you in the way that your name looked in my phone. I miss you not in the sense that I want you back in my life or that I want to be in yours. I miss you in the stupid, random jokes you made that made me laugh. I miss you not in the way that you cross my mind every single day. I miss you in the way that when you do cross my mind occasionally, I remember all the little things about you. The pointless conversations and the deeper ones. Some that made me think how lucky I was and some that questioned why I stayed. I miss the path I walked with you...the view I had, how everything was sunny and beautiful for me. Now I know that we both may have walked the same path but we saw different things.
It is so funny to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me. That sometimes I go weeks without thinking of you. Do you? Part of me wants you again. But I remember what it took for me to let go. And I push away those thoughts.
So, I miss you. And, that's good. That means I had something worth thinking about. Worth talking about. Worth remembering. It means one day when I find something worth keeping, I would know how it feels. I guess I needed to say this, I miss knowing you.

Teaching- The first month. Aye aye aye.

Many questioned me on my lack of entries and posts. I still find it amusing, but am beyond grateful that people actually read what I write. Of course, for a person who dreams to publish a book one day, this is a happiness words cannot describe. In my last entry, I told you all about how I felt trapped and quoting, "I am sitting in a puddle". At the end of it, I told you that I will eventually get "there", wherever "there" is. Oh boy, how has life changed ever since! It has been one helluva awesome ride, that's for sure. People who know me, know I love teaching! It is something that pumps my heart, gets my blood flowing and the adrenaline rush that I get from standing in a classroom, imparting knowledge...having fun with kids is something I absolutely crave and treasure.
Well, I got posted! And just like that, Miss Raeva is back! It is officially one month since and yes, I have soooo many stories for you. But, I am not interested in telling you about how amazing I feel teaching, how planning lessons excite me or just how awesome it feels to watch kids actually understand something I teach. You know all that. Here's what you didn't know about me.
I struggled the very first days of being in school. I had the whole "a fish out of water" moment. Making friends was hard. In schools, teachers move in little gangs or cliques and no, getting into one being a fresh graduate and new at what you do ain't easy. I was taken aback at how I felt, that's for sure. The first few days of being in school mostly was about me running into the teacher's toilet and locking the door coz that was the only place that I felt safe. I was quick to learn that the veteran teachers are made up of only two categories: either too nice to you or they treat you like you are invisible. God knows I tried. I smiled every time someone so much as even looks at me and yet, all I got was the cold shoulder. Worst is when the practicum teachers get more attention and warm welcomes compared to me who is gonna be there for many months/years again. But, gotta give it to a handful of good souls...teachers who actually made me feel at home, constantly asking me how I felt and offering insights of the profession. So yes, only two categories!
And the first weeks of being in school, I learnt that the school that I am attached to has a limited storage of materials or facilities. There is only one LCD projector in school and there is only one place that I can use it in, the hall (only if the hall is empty). Yes, bad news for the inner literature freak who loves songs, and storytelling.
But, what that killed the budding passion I had and excitement of being posted is not having a fixed schedule to teach. I had replacement classes each day and every day I meet new kids. I couldn't plan appropriate lessons because I didn't know my kids. All I did in class was get them to open their textbooks to a certain page and do something from there (read: what i despise the most). As silly as this may sound, I could put up with snarls and cold shoulders but knowing I am not loving teaching really killed me. I felt so beaten, bruised and defeated every single day. I reached out to a lecturer at IPBA who was generous enough to hear me out and told me to never give up. His kind words and encouragement really helped me through.
After three weeks, finally, this week, I received a fixed teaching schedule. However, I was told that these are not my permanent classes and once the school reshuffles its main schedule I would be attached to other classes. It wasn't a big deal at the start of this week when I was given this temporary schedule. I was elated that I had finally received what I wanted : fixed classes. But, after 28 odd hours of spending time with kids from three different classes, I am already feeling the pinch. I don't want to feel attached but that's what I am bad at. I tend to love my kids even if it has only been a week.
So, where does this leave me now that I am at the last day of my first month? Well, it feels superfabulousawesome to wake up at 5 a.m, leave my house at 6 a.m to drive for an hour in a rocky road to get to school. I feel good sitting at my desk, not getting involved in office politics just minding my own business and the best part of all, I feel alive teaching! The adrenaline rush is there, and it is a breathtakingly beautiful feeling that I wish every single human being can feel. I had my first course/briefing at another school the other day and I sat through it feeling so happy to learn something new. Okay okay, perhaps not everyone like courses.
Thing is, no matter what people tell me...you will hate teaching in a few years time or "wait till you have to juggle so many things..administrative work and such, you will be too tired". I don't freaking care. Maybe just maybe in a few years time I will be a snob myself (highly doubtful) or I will rely on textbooks (ahem, ahem, no?) but right now, right here, I am happy. This life that I have right now? I am so thankful for it. Yes, it is tiring. It leaves me with little time for myself but I AM HAPPY! And for as long as I am happy, I do not want to change anything. So, give me a shout out will ya? Miss Raeva is back!

Sitting in a puddle.

There is this one quote...a saying perhaps, that has been spinning around my head for a couple of weeks now. It started way back when I said my final goodbyes in college and drove home. It has been there, kinda like a drug that I keep on going back to. It's there alright and it is driving me crazy.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.

Remembering the last 5 1/2 years in IPBA.

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Less than 2 months to go for me to bid goodbye to IPBA for now. For now in the sense that I want to return to IPBA as someone on the other side one day ( a dream I know I will work very hard to make sure it comes true). Nevertheless, goodbyes always hurts, at least for me. When I really give it a thought, the last 5 1/2 years that I have spent here has definitely made me someone I am proud being. I started IPBA with a bang. Then, somewhere along the years, with all the twists and turns that happened in my personal life, it changed me. Lost a few friends along the way. Gained many back. People I once thought I can never see myself living without slowly settled in that faded memory corner of my mind. I walked into this place thinking 5 years would pass by so quickly that I wouldn't even realise it and yet, now that I am finally reaching what I'd like to call "the end" I can not stay true to that statement.
I remember everything that has happened here. Every tear shed, every laughter shared, every kind words spoken to me, every beautiful soul that has embraced me, all the lecturers that has pushed to be a better teacher, the ones who has showed me how amazing I am, if i set my mind straight and undeniably the many friends I have made here who loved me so much even when I wasn't very lovable. I am so grateful for everything and everyone. Even the bad looks so good now. I am envious of my juniors who get to spend another few years in such a magical place. I can almost here you squirm there, but honestly, this is a magical place.
My life is about to change dramatically. I am very excited, thrilled to the core and yet engulfed with lots of nerves. I don't know where life is going to take me after this but I know that if I keep my positive outlook, I will be fine. I speak a lot about growing up in my posts and yet nothing has felt more real than it is now. Will be touching 24 in a few months and boy, isn't that an achievement. Came here with a childish outlook towards everything, a carefree personality and now even with the childishness intact, I am a matured young lady. IPBA has contributed immensely towards that, definitely.
So yes, in the next 2 months, I am going to breathe into this air of love as much as I can. Here is to discovering the me I wanna be when I walk out of those gates. I don't know what is going to happen, where the future is going to take me, but I know it can never be anything lesser than amazing.

A tribute to the friendship we have shared. My ZZZ-AAA gang. :)

What is that four letter word we call LOVE?

What is it about hearts, roses and chocolates that reminds even the nerdiest of hearts of love? And here I am, Miss Love/Romance trying my very best to not be reminded of all those. Need to focus on work, on studies, on being a responsible bla bla.
But then in those quiet nights of watching a romantic comedy or reading this really touching, heartfelt write up someone does on their social media site and I am left floating into my fantasy world in which I am smiling a little too freely, my head arched back and butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I am in love in that world with a prince. (No, you don't get to criticise my fantasy world).
 So, getting back to this world, there is so much talks about love or about wanting to be loved or the magic of being in love and really, who are we kidding? Even the nerdiest or realists of us all have at least once wondered if it is indeed possible to love someone so truly, madly, deeply and above all be loved that way in return. I know I sound a little skeptic tonight but it's a question worth asking.
There are far too many of us who are in a relationship with someone for so many reasons and when you ask them "Do you love him/her", they are left questioning what is love. And then there is another portion of us who have no idea where we stand with a certain someone in our lives and we call it love. Oh ya, not to forget, the other half of us who are constantly putting ourselves out there, walking around with a hope and promise that with every person that we meet, every someone that we date would somehow magically bring us closer to experiencing a magic like no other that so many people call "LOVE" with someone. Cliche scenarios?
LOVE. A four letter word with so many definitions, point of views and principles attached to it. How can something that is promised to be so beautiful, be so much work? I have got myself asking that tonight.
Here's the thing about love. You do not know when it happens but when it does it gives u a spiral, a thrill, equated to having an adrenaline rush. You look at things slightly different, everything either makes so much sense suddenly or doesn't at all but you could be the least bothered about it. Life suddenly seems a happier, exciting place to live, of course with the company of this magnificent being you have come to know. That is LOVE defined by many throughout many centuries.
So, that is the question for tonight. What is Love? Is it adrenaline rush never running out? Infatuation that has matured? Lust with a new word? What is Love?

When a traveler returns home, he/she finds life.

I was reading a book recently which spoke greatly about meditation, what it does to the body and mind, how liberating it is to feel, quoting, "free". We all have heard that. Some of us, even lucky enough to have experienced this life changing moment of uniting with a force that resides deep in us. It isn't so much of that whole event of finding something bigger than us or about knowing "peace" with ones self that fascinates me. It is undoubtedly the feeling of going back to everyday life once that happens. What happens after finding peace, solidarity and quietness? What happens after a traveler returns home from his journey of finding himself? What happens then? Life happens.

I found my peace recently. How and why it happened is irrelevant to this. But, I am interested to talk about what happened after I did. Life has a funny way of showing us things, of proving to us how awesome it really is if we could look past all the trials and tribulations that come with it. 

Today is an important day to me. I do not go out much, do not see my friends enough, do not bother keeping in touch that much. Not that I do not like to. But there is a part of me, the bruised, battered soldier part that continues to make appearances when I least expect it to. Perhaps, I fear that part being conjured up that I choose to live in silence. Today, I laughed a lot, smiled more than that and above all, I reminded myself how it feels to feel...carefree. Perhaps it is the tiny sense of security and comfort that old friendships bring or maybe it is just me, adjusting to life after the journey of finding something bigger than me. Whatever it is, I treasure it. I wish there was a way for me to document this feeling. Perhaps put it a jar, so that I can release it when I want to. Impossible? I know.

To the One who is watching this happen to me, thank you. Because now, I know I am okay. I am healed. And nothing feels better than knowing you have the entire universe at your fingertips. *crosses arms and smiles*

HEALING. HOPE. HAPPINESS

"That surely took you a long time to make a comeback Raevarthy", I hear my inner voice mocking me. You have to trust me when I say this, I wanted to write. I really did. So badly. But each time I opened up a blank post, my mind mirrored that which I saw and it went blank too. So much has happened in so little time. But then again, that phrase is one that is too familiar with me. Been a while since I wrote, so I don't care. I don't care of the nature of my post, my surroundings or the stinging pain I feel at the back of my eyes and head. No, I don't care. I need to speak. I need to voice out. I need to say things. And above all, I need to hear myself being sane and human.
That's a big word, isn't it? Sane and human. I am okay. In fact, I am beyond okay. "So, what the hell are you doing Raevarthy?" miss inner voice points out. Truth is, I don't know. I feel compelled to tell you this today and perhaps its the fact that I have so much to do and no way of starting out that I am here typing away. It is a beautiful Monday in an amazing school. So, let me tell you exactly what has happened.
I found my sense of living. No, it isn't something you or me can see. It has no voice and yet it can be a persistent friend. It has life, that's for sure. It is nagging me to be the best version of myself, and really when you think about it, what else is better than that?
Remember that time when you fell and grazed your knee? It hurt but it hurt even worse when you rubbed medicine on it or remember how difficult it was trying not to look down at your bleeding knees? Put me in that situation, minus the knees but keep the pain.
8 months later and it still hurts. Losing someone so close to me has left a deafening silence in my heart. And then, when I decided to heal myself, rubbing stillness and quietness into my wound, it hurts even worse. I am fully aware of the fact that I have come a long way. I have let go of many bitter memories and yet give me a plush chair, some slow music, and my mind starts conjuring up images. And what do you have after that? Yes, me sobbing quietly in the corner trying to rock myself into a world in which everything makes sense. Because right here, right now, nothing does.
So yes, where did I find my sense of living? In a place so deep within me. In a little cloud I'd like to call hope. No matter what you have been through or what you ARE going through, please do not forget that there is a system in you, away from all your physical self. And this system, this magnificent working is called HOPE. You need to find your strength to hold on to whatever little hope that you have left. It is the only thing that you must do. Take it from me. Everyone goes through hell and I have been there too. Yet, I am not burned by it. I am scarred, yes, but not burned. I am alive. I am taking charge of my life. I am working it my way, one thing at a time, slow and steady I tell myself. So, take it from me. Listen loud and clear.
You are special. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are magnificent and you deserve everything good in life. Something wonderful is on its way to you. Just have hope. Happiness is on its way to you.

Ps: If you can make sense of this, thank you. :)

Be beautiful. Be amazing. Be magnificent. Above all, be you. :)

I was here a few months ago still figuring out how to take the next step in my life. Too many things at once happened way too fast. I was lost and sinking. I owe it to my cheery personality and gigantic smile that saves me each time I dwell into my emotions. That is going to change...right about now.
You know, it takes inspiration to write and you gotta know, my inspiration has a way of striking at the oddest of hours. But I have to be here now. I have to pen this down. I am in a point in my life right now that it feels good to simply be me. Oh no no, I ain't perfect but that's okay. I am me.
I have battled the worst of demons, I have sunk way more times than you ever will and I am still gasping for air. But know what, it feels good. It feels good to grow up.
Today I want to tell you how important it is to believe in yourself. You have to know this because it took me a long time to really trust myself, my emotions and my dreams. If I had a chance to rewind to the last few years of my life, I will hold my own head high up and tell myself that I am strong and I can do this. I will tell myself that life is what I make of it. But, I can't. So let me tell you that today. I can start telling you one story after the next of which I saw dead ends and yet I raised from my own ashes to be strong and still it will be just a story. So, let me draw from you. Let me take you to a journey to understand yourself.
Bad things happen. That's just the way things are. You can't question anyone for anything that has been happening in your life. No one owes you anything, and that includes GOD. You see that challenge? That mountain ahead? The dead end? It is just an illusion. You can break through it. My dear, you can so do this. You are stronger than what you believe. Nothing bad ever happens to us. It is what we make of situations that determines what the outcomes are. You are a magnificent human being with so much to offer the world. Rise now. Put your hands over your heart. Feel that? You are alive. You can do so much from just being alive. Gotta dream you wanna achieve? Start now. You wanna break free from a sinking relationship? Do it now! You wanna follow what your heart says? Go ahead! It is your life and yes, you have all the abilities and talent in the world to lead your own life!
Be beautiful. Be amazing. Be magnificent. Above all, be you.

Being single isn't a misfortune. It is a privilege, a choice and a decision.

So here I am. At a juncture in my life in which all my friends are either attached, getting engaged, or dating in the hopes of finding that "someone" to spend the rest of their lives with and I am still jotting down notes, adding on to an already long list of what I want in a prince charming and yes, I still refer him as "prince charming". I am officially 23, i am independent, i am in love with life and yes, i am waiting patiently to be swept off my feet by the perfect guy. Of course, perfect here is subjective and before you start arguing with me that there is no such thing as perfectness, i'll tell you that I see imperfection as the most beautiful thing on Earth and that is perfect to me.

So, here I am. A post on an idiot who is stuck in a tree I suppose. But the catch is, I am not impatient. I am not waiting to fall in love. I am completely, head over heels in love with my life. I am doing things that I love. I am exploring stuffs and I am meeting so many wonderful people who are teaching me new things about everything under the sun. So really, I am ok. 

This post is meant to tell you that it doesn't matter if you are still single. It doesn't matter if everyone thinks you should already be attached to someone and yes, there is absolutely nothing to rush about. You are you. You are young. You are beautiful. You are worth your own opinion. Never ever feel rejected, overwhelmed or not worthy of a relationship. Trust me honey, there is nothing wrong with you. 

Remember this. Life is so so so big. There is so much about yourself for you to learn about. There is so much about you that you can fall in love with. Of course it will get lonely but when you learn that there is a happiness in that alone time, you will understand what I am talking about. 

Love is an amazing feeling. An out of this world experience that you deserve to have with the right person. Never get in a relationship just because you think you are getting older or just because someone is in love with you. Ask yourself, are you in love with that person? Can you imagine not spending the rest of your life with that person? Does it hurt? If your answer is no to any of that question, then stop. Stop wanting to settle for anything less than what you deserve. 

And yes, there is such a person called "Prince Charming" and "Princess Charming". He/She is out there somewhere. He/She will come into your life at the right moment and just like a tornado it will hit you one day without you even realising. And it will be the most unique feeling ever. Trust me, it is worth the wait. 

Signing off with love,
a princess who is in love with her life while waiting for her prince. 

Just when I thought, I am okay.

And a month later I am here. This blog is serving more as a shoulder to lean on rather than expressing my views on matters. As much as I despise that, I know it takes emotions to write and right now, this is what I feel. Kinda doesn't sound that matured considering the fact that I just turned 23 this week. But then again, my heart has always been extra sensitive and my soul is complaining that it can't keep up. So, where do I go then?
Been having a roller coaster ride in terms of emotions for me. I feel the spark in me slowly turn off and despite the fire still burning, it isn't glowing. Turning 23 felt a lot lonely and less celebratory for me. Probably due to the fact that I am not used to being away from home on the day of my birthday. I missed mum, dad, even the sister who is in another country, the love of my life, my Baby Dino and above all, I miss the one who has gone to another world. That left me bawling out like a child in the night, much to the dismay of my friends. Trust me, when I break, it is with a loud crash. But then again, crying is good for the soul. It cleanses parts of you, allowing you to move on. But moving on just seems like a huge word for me. I am still here, caught up in hidden emotions, trying not to mix it all up.
School has been good so far. I love my job and I certainly look forward to waking up each and every morning to go to school. Been having a little problem with some children but I believe that would be solved soon. I have fallen madly and deeply in love with a small child that I am tutoring. He can't read well in English and struggles through but honestly, he is a sweetheart. His willingness to learn and the extent to which he pushes himself reinforces my principle that the best way to teach is from the heart, out of love. I'll definitely put up a post dedicated to him soon.
Apart from that, I feel that my life is moving on but I am not. I don't know how to exactly pen down with words all that I am feeling but I can tell you this, it hurts to feel lonely in a crowded room.

After 4 months, a 4 hour sleep brought me here.

Writing is easy. You sit in front of a blank page and you bleed. From your heart, soul and every vein that you have. I have decided to bleed today. It has been 4 whole months since I last wrote. My life has taken such a detour and I have climbed so many invisible mountains that I am sitting here a new person. A friend of mine once asked me, "why is your blog so dark?" Dark here of course refers to a state of sadness. My answer has always been the same. You take from it what you can and you try to infer in your own way. I will always write from my soul.

Little did I know back then that I would be sitting here reading my own old posts and trying to find the old me back. In these few months I have lost someone so dear and close to me that the wound is still healing. Tears still flow and memories still find a way to tug at my heart. I lost my soul mate, best friend and the love of my life. When she went, a part of me went with her. I know she is okay over there. I know she has wonderful friends to look after her in the after life realm. She was always someone who made friends fast. But I am here. I am struggling to get by. A million questions asked, a thousand demanding tone later, I am still not done. I have not found my closure. And I am okay with that. This pain keeps me alive. Keeps me wanting to survive for the ones I still have.
So, what am I doing here today? I have no answer for that. 4 odd hours of sleep, a pile of work to be completed, and so many errands to run. I just needed a break. And a familiar smell of comfort that this blog has provided me with. I promise to dust the hanging cobwebs and return with a way cheery post soon. Till then, I leave you with hugs and kisses.
Signing off,
Raevarthy

H.U.M.A.N.S.

I used to have this rule of not writing when I don't feel love or joy. And then I realised I wouldn't feel love or joy if I didn't write. Blogging is an easy thing. Anyone can just sign up and start writing and being an avid blogger for the last few years of my life, it is really funny how now when I open up a blank post, I am searching for words to type. I don't know whether it is me who has changed or it is the world who has changed me. Cliche? I feel so too.
There is so much I want to say and each word is like a sword to me right now. I need to find the right ones so that I don't swing my sword the wrong way. The topic of the day is humans and let's hope I stay sane throughout this post.
They say that life is not worth living if you did not have anyone by your side. What's the point of having all the wealth in the world if you did not have anyone to share it with? What's the point of living in a big house if the house is filled with nothing but silence? Heard that before? I am sure we all have listened to the argument of wealth versus relationships and we have picked sides. I have too. But putting all that aside, the comparison of wealth thrown away and I am left asking what is relationship after all?
We shall not talk about bonds that are made of blood. Let's talk about bonds that we create with other people. I consider myself a very tolerant person. I can bite my tongue back and take a deep breath and let things go. But if you push me to the brink, you will find me explode and boy, that is not a good sight. I hate being this way, that much I can say. But every day of my life now seems to be such a big struggle with difficult people that I am honestly at lost at how to just push everything aside and start fresh.
Guess its true then. Never ever trust, love or care too much? I wish I learnt that a little earlier. Have you ever felt trapped in your own emotions that you just want to sit in a corner and cry or just start punching everything you see? Have you ever wished you did not feel the way you feel? And have you ever just wanted to hide under your bed never to be found again? I know that I cannot change the way other people are. Their behaviours, personality or life. But I can change the way I deal with them. I just wish my conscience agreed with me a little on this and not put up such a tough fight. I wish I am not easily affected but I am. I wish I was as strong as people deem me to be. And really, I wish I did not write this.
I am holding on to the believe that I am a blessed person with so much in me that little petty issues such as this is nothing when compared to how magnificent I am. I am holding on to every ounce of courage I have in this matter and I am drawing strength from my own smiles and happiness. If there is something I want to tell the world today it is this:
That person you are smiling with in that photograph, he/she will change and he/she will walk away. Tough as it seems, unneeded as it feels, stop for a moment and ask your heart if he/she is worth fighting for. And please do me a favour will you? Please listen to your heart.

The Vaseline friend. :)

If there is one truth that is hard to conceal, it is who we are and how far we have come. We all carry baggage of truth in us as we slowly live life adding more to that weight with every person we come across and every memory we build. We all carry stories, stories of us, stories of other people and mostly stories of who we wish one day to be. Today, I want to revisit a past memory and tell you a story from there. My wish for you is to take something from this, and never forget it. 

The setting is Klang general hospital, year 2012, the men's ward. A young boy of about 22 lay motionless on the hospital bed. His eyes have a distant look and his face is naturally painted white. He is the hero of this story. If you look at him, you see all the reasons why hospitals can be nauseating to some. His face show you the pain of being there and his mannerisms easily spot that of one who has given up in life. Then when you slowly look down, away from the pained expression he has to offer, you see the reason why he is as such. He lost a leg in a terrible accident. Where there should be a limb, there are just bandages. At this point, you would look away, your heart will leap in shock and you will start thanking God for your own limbs. Honestly, how many of us really do that? You know, appreciate the limbs and parts of body that we have? None? Read on. 

I met this boy in a very strange way. How I wouldn't want to tell, it is quite personal. But he was my friend for a solid one week and I learnt so much from him that if I had the chance to meet him back, I will do it in a heart beat. I don't know his name, I barely remember how he looks but I can still feel the joy in me that I had back then talking to him. Thanks to my quite good skills in making friends, we clicked. We were two different human beings, that's for sure. I struggled to speak in the language he did and he struggled to learn English words from me. But, there was something real in him. He understood life. 

Today, I look at a bottle of Vaseline and I remember him. It's a sudden thought. A sudden flashback. The feelings are real though. Its a bottle of Vaseline that bonded us and today I have no idea where he is or how he is. I don't know whether his girlfriend did leave him after the accident just as how he feared or she stayed on, just as how I told him she would. I don't know whether he managed to find another job and is slowly climbing the ladder of success or he let his disability stand in the way, though I swear I know he wouldn't. There is so much that I don't know. And today, this bottle of Vaseline reminds me of that. 

So, what's the point of me telling you this story? Well, here's the thing. Everyone you meet is never going to be there forever. People will move in and then out of your lives. Remember that. And also remember that regret can be a tough enemy. So, the ones that mean the world to you? Hold on to them. Never ever let time push away people from you. I am saying this today because I regret not going back to visit him, not having any contact with him or simply not remembering him. Now all I am left with are memories of a good friend that I made a long time ago in one of the most strangest place of all. And now, I regret this. 

 

A better, bolder self. :)

Woke up to a beautiful morning today with way better thoughts and feelings. That is definitely due to the fact that I am around people who love me and who I love. So yes, who you are with at every moment of your life makes a big difference in your happiness. I am in a much better state compared to when I wrote last and I am definitely grateful for that. However, there is this tiny part in me that fears how the next few weeks would be like. But, like they say, let's leave the future unknown and concentrate on the present.
Today I would like to talk to you about the self and it's need to be accepted. The self as how I would define it, is completely unattached to our physical being. My argument being that when we leave Earth for another realm, we do not take our physical being with us. The self is made up of our thoughts, feelings and emotions. I don't know about you but understanding my "self" is proving to be tougher than what I initially anticipated it to be like.
The need to be accepted and loved is something we all experience, even if we do not want to. I would say that this is where our control of our self is important and yet as much as we try we fail, to an extent. There will always be a handful of people or one very special person to whom we want to experience love and acceptance. Of course many of us fall into the trap of wanting it in a bigger scale that when we don't, life just seems like one big black hole. I think the problem with us humans is that nothing is enough for us. We want more and that could prove to be a big problem indeed.
How do you tell yourself that it is okay to live with no company at all? Why is it that physical touch and emotional bonding means the world to me? Someone told me yesterday that the only way to be happy is to never have feelings. That kinda made sense to me but definitely not something I would uphold. I choose to treasure every memory that I have with the people around me and I choose to love everyone that I meet along the way. Of course, with that love, I am getting scarred.
My need of acceptance I think purely comes from the basis of wanting to be accepted for who I am. This really really complex being with a very simple philosophy in life. I want people to be able to see what I do in them and to respect and love me for that just as how I do it in return. That is a problem i would say. I won't lie to you and say that it does not hurt when I do not get what I gave in return. I am working on that. On fixing that aspect of me. The day will come in which I will never expect. I will give and it wouldn't hurt when people try to hurt me. And on that day, you will see me smile the biggest smile ever. I am hopeful.

Of the analogy of a leaf, happiness, and moving on.

Imagine this. A leaf that is floating down a river, not knowing where it's going, trusting the flow of current and wishing so badly that it is still intact to its roots. A slight shift of wave and it quivers, panics, holds on tight to whatever that is nearby and in that moment, a sort of blankness overpowers the atmosphere touching lightly on its conscience, reminding it, that after all, it is just a leaf.
If you made it through that paragraph without wondering what on earth I am talking about, then I thank you. You just got a glimpse of how I feel right now. I am that leaf and the waves are just too strong. It has taken me a very long time to write this. Too many wasted drafts and unshed tears later, I am here now. I have taken an oath not to let circumstances, people and situations change the way I think or feel and yet the past few weeks have been a constant struggle.
If there is one thing I can tell you for sure, relationships are tough. You get too emotionally attached to people and when suddenly you are thrown in a deep end, everything starts hurting. It is really so funny how fast life can change and how much life can rob you off your happiness. I am not saying that I am unhappy. I am happy, very much indeed but the little snippets of my life and tiny memories are forcing me to think otherwise. It's like a tunnel of thoughts that is haunting me trying to take away my joy.
I do not like the fact that I am penning this down but without doing so, I know I won't be able to move on and the way I feel right now is not something I like. I am not proud to admit that I have let negativity overshadow me but I am learning, and it might be a slow process but I am getting there. I am wishing for some sort of magic to just be dusted on me that I wake up from this torturous dream to be the person I was a few weeks back. Yet, I know I must find that magic within me. May I be blessed with the serenity to accept that which I cannot change and to embrace my individuality enough that I do not let situations and difficult people hold me back. Honestly, may I be blessed enough.

Be who you are. Be amazing.

I want to write this down because I just feel so happy for no reason in particular and to think that I have waited my entire life to feel this way is just so so amazing. I am telling you, this emotion, this feeling of being indescribably happy is one that I wish every one of you could experience. We are so caught up with being jealous with another person's success, with what we don't have, with all the troubles and problems that we believe life is giving us that we forget how truly beautiful life is. Take a minute and look around you. Really absorb your surrounding. What would life be like without that chair you have that you are sitting on, your high-tech phone that you are holding or how about the people around you? How would you feel if you just woke up tomorrow and found out life is nothing but an illusion? I would freak out!
Honestly, with all your heart, say a loud "thank you". Give thanks for what that you have and trust me, you will feel your life change. The first words that come out of my mouth every morning is "thank you". I am grateful for every little thing that I have and for all the people in my life, for the experiences I am given and honestly, I feel like a magical being. I know this sounds so out of your world, but trust me, life can only be beautiful if you start appreciating what you have. That problem you are facing is just in your mind. There is nothing that you can't do, no worlds that you can't conquer and no tunnels that you can't light up with your amazing willpower! You are perfect, the way you are. Never ever let circumstances, time, people or anything at all take that away from you. Be who you are, be amazing.

The day I met an angel and understood the word "teaching". :)

I am amazed at how life works and I am in that, "So, this is how GOD plays" kinda mindset right now. I must tell you this, and I must do it here because this is that kinda post, you know the one in which I would return to in a few years, drawing strength from. And here we go, the second post of the second practicum phase.
I was having a few bad days and I think it was basically due to the fact that my heart, mind and soul told me what a great teacher I am. And all that confidence, love I had for what I was doing, passion you may say crumbled into pieces, leaving me with a shattered heart after my first observation with my lecturer. She is a nice person, mind you, it is just how much things went so wrong at that one time that honestly made me contemplate my profession, something I swear I never saw myself doing. And just as I was recovering from that blow, shifting my focus to accommodate someone else's teaching principle (yes, something I never saw myself doing too), I was struck once again. This time by my CT. She is a wonderful woman too. I suppose I am just not lucky when it comes to observations. Anyway, I walked out of class that day, went to my place in the Bilik Gerakan, put my head down and was lost. I was just lost. I'll tell you exactly how it felt. Imagine walking out of your house and suddenly you are not able to see. You don't know where you are and yet your vision is blurred. You don't know how to return home and at that moment you wonder if at all you would be able to. That is how I felt. A million thoughts in my head and a million needles pricking my soul.
It is a terrible way to feel, trust me. So after the last bell rang, I signed out, and took a long walk to the taxi stand. I stood there for what felt like hours, still playing the scenes of what happened in class in my head, not understanding why it happened to me.And just about then a taxi stopped and the uncle asked me where I was going. I told him, he nodded his head and I got in. Who would have thought that one ride home would change my life because that is precisely what it did. That uncle who I would probably never cross paths with again in this busy KL city taught me, a teacher what teaching is.
It was a good solid 2 minutes since I got in when he suddenly asked me, "Are you a teacher, ma?". I was stunned to be taken away from my thoughts for a second. I regained composure, smiled and said, "Yes, I am a trainee teacher". He said, "Oh, still on your practicum". I smiled again, really not wanting him to continue. I wasn't in the mood for small talks. But he was. He continued. He asked me, "Why did you choose to be a teacher?". I took a deep breath. This is going to be a tough conversation I thought. I told him how my mum wanted me to be a teacher and how I wanted her to be happy. I insisted on how little her decision had to do with it because I would never let anyone make a decision for me. It was entirely mine. I made the decision to make her happy. This time he smiled and he asked me the next question which was a life changing one. He said, "Do you like your job?". I was thrown back and I went dumb. He waited. I was quiet. He waited again. I was still quiet. I did not know what to say. My mind did a flashback on what happened that day and then it did a major flashback, playing scenes of the past. I thought about how happy I was on the very first day of my S.B.E, how I had fallen in love with children that day, how my S.K.B.T kids used to tell me they loved me so much because I made English seem easy, how just that week my year 2 kids who did not understand a word of English danced in class with me to Old McDonalds, the happiness in their eyes and that amazing feeling of "Oh my goodness, they are actually enjoying my class" which I had, Mr. Mano who always tells me what a great teacher I will make, the children who queue up just to "salam" me before going back or my now Year 5 kids who go "Yeay Miss Raeva is here" when I walk into class, I thought about all that and even more. I thought about how much I loved waking up to go to school even if I just had an hour of sleep the night before, about how seeing little kids running around aimlessly makes me so so so happy, and about how much I knew I am good at what I do. In that few seconds that he asked me that question, a million scenes played in my head and I answered, "I love my job. Teaching makes me so happy that I cannot see myself doing anything else in my life". This time he smiled and said, "Good. That is what you should say. I know teaching is difficult but loving what you do would make the work seem so easy and effortless". Honestly, that was something I needed to hear and I was listening to it come from a random man. When I reached my hostel I paid him, told him a heartfelt thank you and told him it was really nice meeting him. He said, "We will meet soon" with a little smile. I don't know whether GOD sent him to me or it was just a really nice person whom I met. But that day. in that taxi, magic happened.
I walked back to my room with a big smile on my face. So what if someone else thinks I am too strict in class? I know I am not. I can never be strict. I know I have a good rapport with my kids. So, what if someone else thinks my "Hocus Pocus, Everybody focus" chant is silly? I know it is not and I know my kids love it. Why would I get lost when I love my job? Why would I change my principles of teaching when I know that style suits my kids? Seriously, why would I? The only people I should be bothered about are my kids. I am a good teacher. I take time and plan my lessons. I praise every little good thing my kids do and I reprimand their misbehaviours. I always incorporate the word "fun" in my lessons. I make sure each and every one of them understand what I am teaching. I give as much personal attention as I can, I tell them to come see me if they don't know something. I treat them as my own children. I know they love me and I love them. So, why should I be bothered, again?
That is a lesson that I wish every trainee teacher would remember when things get tough. I wish they would meet that wonderful person whom I met. I wish so badly that each and every one of us always remember what a great feeling it is to go to school and change someone else's life, because we teachers are honestly blessed to be able to do that. Being on practicum is not easy. You have so much to deal with. Lecturers, cooperating teachers, school administration, other teachers, etc. You will see how theory never works in real life and you will have to listen to people saying how when you are a "real teacher" you won't be bothered about writing long reflections or preparing teaching materials because you would be burdened with desk jobs, something that I honestly hate hearing. I know I will never compromise on the quality of my teaching no matter what happens and yes, I am honestly waiting for the time to prove them all wrong. You will learn the valuable lessons that would shape your teaching career in a very hard way and surprisingly, you would be happy learning it. Till that happens, till I graduate, till I understand the word "real teacher", I am not giving up, no matter what anyone says and no matter what happens. I am tough.

Ps: Thank you random stranger, whoever you are and wherever you are, thank you. You changed my life.
Signing off as Miss Raeva.

The phase 2, first practicum update!

The rule of teaching: Never ever give up.
The reality: Cry yourself to sleep but wake up stronger.

It has taken me a very long time to write my first post on my second phase of practicum because I was shy. Shy to tell you that of all people I knew, I never once expected myself to give up on teaching. And I did just that last Monday. Monday was one of the toughest days I have ever had to encounter in my teaching life. Imagine entering a class of little 8 year olds who not only did not understand what you said but did not bother trying to? How would you feel? Well, I broke down because I did not know what I am supposed to do. Here is what happened.
My practicum partner who is also a close friend and I are supposed to take one period per week dedicated especially for the KSSR syllabus. We will be teaching Language Arts and yes there is evaluation plus observation for this. I love literature and hence I really like Language Arts. I was looking forward to this especially since sharing a classroom with another teacher is something I like. Funny, I know. Anyway, that Monday was the very first day that we met our kids. Our year 2 kids who will be our little "Language Arts Experiment". And all hell broke lose. They did not understand a word that I said. Not even a word. Oh that is not the bad part of it. The fact that I stood there for a good solid 30 minutes just teaching them 3 basic rules, using all the gestures, associations, pictures, body language that I can and then checking with them if they did understand anything, getting chorused with a yes, feeling better and finally when my friend took over the class, I had the first speechless moment of my career. You know what happened? She asked them, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". And the entire class, about 30 or so kids chorused back, without missing a beat, "What did Teacher Raeva teach you?". Yeap, they just repeated her question. They did not understand anything I told them. Yeap, nothing. And mind you, we are talking about a school which is situated in the heart of Bangsar. An urban school. My mind when blank, my heart cringed a little, I felt numb, as though a million needles were poking me through and it is bleeding but there is no pain. Yes, the first speechless moment of my teaching career. That broke me down. Why? I was just overwhelmed with too many emotions at once. Sad for these kids, feeling a little pressure from my conscience urging me to do something to change them, and above all, the "what if I can't do anything" feeling returned. It is really horrible to feel insecure in something you know is your passion. So, that night I cried myself to sleep, I told myself to not give up no matter what happens and well, honestly, I have no idea what this Monday is going to bring to me. I am looking forward to it though.
As for the rest, well, I am teaching year 5 once again and this time my kids are different. They are not attention-seekers, they fear me a little (why, I have no idea) and they surprise me a lot! I will tell you about them another day. Wait for it ya?
Well, whatever happens, at the end of the day I am just telling myself that I am an awesome teacher. Now the hard part is, believing in it.

Signing off as Miss Raeva.