"This defeat has taught me a lesson, but i'm not sure what it is"
(John, Mc Enroe, New York Times,February 9, 1987)
Yesterday was scary. It was beyond anything that I have experienced in this world. It was a terror-like feeling that griped my heart causing me to worry that something bad might happen to my loved ones. Tried as I might I couldn't put my fingers down to what it was actually. I dreaded the round of calls that I made to ensure all my loved ones were safe. I didn't like the wait. But a part of me heaved a big sigh of relief as I heard their voices and I knew that they were all safe.
And then it happened again. The terror. The sudden fear. I couldn't do anything. It was there. And it didn't intend of leaving me alone. I had a restless night as i realised that somewhere deep down my heart I knew that the main person I wanted to call and wanted to check up on was not one of my family members. I knew they were safe but I did not know if he was. He who has caused me to blush, and to smile without a reason. He whose thoughts have tormented my dreams. He who has done nothing but ignore me. He who seemed to not know I exist and he who I find myself missing more and more as the days crawl by slowly. I didn't know if he was safe and i was worried. I forced myself to stop thinking of him and I said a silent prayer to keep him safe no matter where he might be. After all, you can't possibly hate someone you have loved right?
The unexplainable fear taught me something so precious. It showed me what I failed to see all along. I have been defeated. And I have to learn to live with it. I have to learn to accept that he is not the one for me. He is the one I should let go. The one I want but can't have.
PS: Is this a dream that I rose from or the life that I'm currently leading? It's for me to know and for you to guess about!