"This defeat has taught me a lesson, but i'm not sure what it is"
(John, Mc Enroe, New York Times,February 9, 1987)
Yesterday was scary. It was beyond anything that I have experienced in this world. It was a terror-like feeling that griped my heart causing me to worry that something bad might happen to my loved ones. Tried as I might I couldn't put my fingers down to what it was actually. I dreaded the round of calls that I made to ensure all my loved ones were safe. I didn't like the wait. But a part of me heaved a big sigh of relief as I heard their voices and I knew that they were all safe.
And then it happened again. The terror. The sudden fear. I couldn't do anything. It was there. And it didn't intend of leaving me alone. I had a restless night as i realised that somewhere deep down my heart I knew that the main person I wanted to call and wanted to check up on was not one of my family members. I knew they were safe but I did not know if he was. He who has caused me to blush, and to smile without a reason. He whose thoughts have tormented my dreams. He who has done nothing but ignore me. He who seemed to not know I exist and he who I find myself missing more and more as the days crawl by slowly. I didn't know if he was safe and i was worried. I forced myself to stop thinking of him and I said a silent prayer to keep him safe no matter where he might be. After all, you can't possibly hate someone you have loved right?
The unexplainable fear taught me something so precious. It showed me what I failed to see all along. I have been defeated. And I have to learn to live with it. I have to learn to accept that he is not the one for me. He is the one I should let go. The one I want but can't have.
PS: Is this a dream that I rose from or the life that I'm currently leading? It's for me to know and for you to guess about!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
It's a game after all!
I shouldn't be here. I should be sleeping. Catching up on my lack of sleep last night. But, it's funny how i work. I go to bed extremely late, by late i mean, like 3.00 a.m late, i rise to the morning sun extremely early, around 6 for a class that starts at 8, I don't sleep in the afternoons and I just don't feel sleepy. And when the weekend comes, I sleep like a dead-man. Nothing wakes me up except when my duty as a mum to both my poodle and shih-tzu calls. Well, that's just the way i am so there's no need for an analysis right?
Anyway, as I was saying, I should not be awake. I have had a tiring day and my bed is trying its best to seduce me but i'm not seduced. So, i decided to write. Tap a little on this soon-to-retire-but-im-hoping-wont lappy. Issue to ponder for today..erm..lets see...how about characters of people? Oh ya, that's a never-ending topic.
So, what's it about people? Well, people are just so different from one another. Here's where the word "personality" comes about. Have you met anyone with the exact same personality as you? The way they think, their interests, their values, beliefs, and so on. Have you? I have certainly not. And i don't intend to. I don't want to meet someone with the exact same personality as me as I would like to feel special. I like the feeling of knowing there is no one else out there like me. I'm unique and I like it!
Anyway, no matter how unique i find myself believing i am, i occasionally cross paths with people that are just so much different from me and I can't help but criticise them. I mean, I know it's wrong to judge. But, there's this part of me that wonders how is it that there are people out there that don't pray, or wear too little clothes on their body, or do not respect others and so on. I know it's not on me to say anything but i can't help but wonder. I mean, i am no one without my religion. And how come there are people called "atheists" out there. Do they not feel the power of GOD that i do? How about those that wear clothes that are too revealing? I know I sound like a grandma. It's the 21st century after all. But still, no parents out there would want to see their daughters putting their body for the public to "admire". And don't get me started on teen pregnancy and pre-marital sex.
All these people with different personalities and characters. I can't help but wonder. What is it that makes a person to do all that they do? Is it the values that they are taught? I think it's all about choices. We do what we want. Every single thing that we do in our daily lives is due to the choices that we make, the turns that we choose to take. It's all in our hands.
Life is all about making choices. Choices that we made in the past has brought us to where we are standing today. And decisions that we make will shape our future. So, it's a game after all right? This life of ours. Its really a game!
Anyway, as I was saying, I should not be awake. I have had a tiring day and my bed is trying its best to seduce me but i'm not seduced. So, i decided to write. Tap a little on this soon-to-retire-but-im-hoping-wont lappy. Issue to ponder for today..erm..lets see...how about characters of people? Oh ya, that's a never-ending topic.
So, what's it about people? Well, people are just so different from one another. Here's where the word "personality" comes about. Have you met anyone with the exact same personality as you? The way they think, their interests, their values, beliefs, and so on. Have you? I have certainly not. And i don't intend to. I don't want to meet someone with the exact same personality as me as I would like to feel special. I like the feeling of knowing there is no one else out there like me. I'm unique and I like it!
Anyway, no matter how unique i find myself believing i am, i occasionally cross paths with people that are just so much different from me and I can't help but criticise them. I mean, I know it's wrong to judge. But, there's this part of me that wonders how is it that there are people out there that don't pray, or wear too little clothes on their body, or do not respect others and so on. I know it's not on me to say anything but i can't help but wonder. I mean, i am no one without my religion. And how come there are people called "atheists" out there. Do they not feel the power of GOD that i do? How about those that wear clothes that are too revealing? I know I sound like a grandma. It's the 21st century after all. But still, no parents out there would want to see their daughters putting their body for the public to "admire". And don't get me started on teen pregnancy and pre-marital sex.
All these people with different personalities and characters. I can't help but wonder. What is it that makes a person to do all that they do? Is it the values that they are taught? I think it's all about choices. We do what we want. Every single thing that we do in our daily lives is due to the choices that we make, the turns that we choose to take. It's all in our hands.
Life is all about making choices. Choices that we made in the past has brought us to where we are standing today. And decisions that we make will shape our future. So, it's a game after all right? This life of ours. Its really a game!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The big comeback: Comfort Circle.
I know I have put off writing for a while but it's not that i have not tried. I did. Honestly. But, words somehow managed to not flow at the times i needed it to. I do realise that im all kinds of messed up now. But, I also know that that should not be the reason I stay away from blogging. So, I decided to lift my spirits a little and write about something that all of us can relate to. Here's the big comeback topic : Comfort Circle.
So, what's the big deal with comfort circle u ask? I'll tell you what the big deal is. Our comfort circle determines practically everything in our lives. Happiness, Sadness, Love, Care, Spending habits, Diet, and just about everything. Our comfort circle is made up of the people we feel comfortable with and that includes settings as well. Alright, now I'm starting to sound a little too "factual". Let me lay it down in simple words. Comfort circle= people and place. Sounds better?
Hence, do me a favour and reflect to those times you have felt "like a fish out of water". Those times that you just felt like you did not belong to that particular crowd or place. How did it feel like? You felt like running away didn't you. But here's the thing with us humans, we are people-pleases. We love pleasing people. At times, to extreme extents.
So, i guess here is what i can't lay my fingers at. The big question i can't solve. Why is it that I'm still searching for my comfort circle? I find it hard to even trust anyone. I have this fear that I'll somehow be betrayed. Why? I guess I don't know. I watch with envy as people around me have unlimited fun with their cousins, go crazy with friends and just about be themselves. So, why is it that I am still looking for my comfort circle? People with the values i uphold and would never even think of letting go. In simple words, people like me? I know that I'm not masking my true colours. This is just me.
Am I happy u ask? Well..happiness has always been an abstract concept. Besides, who said you can't consider your family as your comfort circle? Well, I'm still the one who will choose family over friends. So, that settles things I suppose.
Anyway, to everyone out there. Life is just another phase. So, don't hang out with people you hate, stop trying to be the "good" ones, let go of things you can't have and do things because you want to, not because you have to. Comfort circle? Does it really matter? Let me know what you think.
So, what's the big deal with comfort circle u ask? I'll tell you what the big deal is. Our comfort circle determines practically everything in our lives. Happiness, Sadness, Love, Care, Spending habits, Diet, and just about everything. Our comfort circle is made up of the people we feel comfortable with and that includes settings as well. Alright, now I'm starting to sound a little too "factual". Let me lay it down in simple words. Comfort circle= people and place. Sounds better?
Hence, do me a favour and reflect to those times you have felt "like a fish out of water". Those times that you just felt like you did not belong to that particular crowd or place. How did it feel like? You felt like running away didn't you. But here's the thing with us humans, we are people-pleases. We love pleasing people. At times, to extreme extents.
So, i guess here is what i can't lay my fingers at. The big question i can't solve. Why is it that I'm still searching for my comfort circle? I find it hard to even trust anyone. I have this fear that I'll somehow be betrayed. Why? I guess I don't know. I watch with envy as people around me have unlimited fun with their cousins, go crazy with friends and just about be themselves. So, why is it that I am still looking for my comfort circle? People with the values i uphold and would never even think of letting go. In simple words, people like me? I know that I'm not masking my true colours. This is just me.
Am I happy u ask? Well..happiness has always been an abstract concept. Besides, who said you can't consider your family as your comfort circle? Well, I'm still the one who will choose family over friends. So, that settles things I suppose.
Anyway, to everyone out there. Life is just another phase. So, don't hang out with people you hate, stop trying to be the "good" ones, let go of things you can't have and do things because you want to, not because you have to. Comfort circle? Does it really matter? Let me know what you think.
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