There is this one quote...a saying perhaps, that has been spinning around my head for a couple of weeks now. It started way back when I said my final goodbyes in college and drove home. It has been there, kinda like a drug that I keep on going back to. It's there alright and it is driving me crazy.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Friday, October 3, 2014
Remembering the last 5 1/2 years in IPBA.
Have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Less than 2 months to go for me to bid goodbye to IPBA for now. For now in the sense that I want to return to IPBA as someone on the other side one day ( a dream I know I will work very hard to make sure it comes true). Nevertheless, goodbyes always hurts, at least for me. When I really give it a thought, the last 5 1/2 years that I have spent here has definitely made me someone I am proud being. I started IPBA with a bang. Then, somewhere along the years, with all the twists and turns that happened in my personal life, it changed me. Lost a few friends along the way. Gained many back. People I once thought I can never see myself living without slowly settled in that faded memory corner of my mind. I walked into this place thinking 5 years would pass by so quickly that I wouldn't even realise it and yet, now that I am finally reaching what I'd like to call "the end" I can not stay true to that statement.
I remember everything that has happened here. Every tear shed, every laughter shared, every kind words spoken to me, every beautiful soul that has embraced me, all the lecturers that has pushed to be a better teacher, the ones who has showed me how amazing I am, if i set my mind straight and undeniably the many friends I have made here who loved me so much even when I wasn't very lovable. I am so grateful for everything and everyone. Even the bad looks so good now. I am envious of my juniors who get to spend another few years in such a magical place. I can almost here you squirm there, but honestly, this is a magical place.
My life is about to change dramatically. I am very excited, thrilled to the core and yet engulfed with lots of nerves. I don't know where life is going to take me after this but I know that if I keep my positive outlook, I will be fine. I speak a lot about growing up in my posts and yet nothing has felt more real than it is now. Will be touching 24 in a few months and boy, isn't that an achievement. Came here with a childish outlook towards everything, a carefree personality and now even with the childishness intact, I am a matured young lady. IPBA has contributed immensely towards that, definitely.
So yes, in the next 2 months, I am going to breathe into this air of love as much as I can. Here is to discovering the me I wanna be when I walk out of those gates. I don't know what is going to happen, where the future is going to take me, but I know it can never be anything lesser than amazing.
A tribute to the friendship we have shared. My ZZZ-AAA gang. :)
I remember everything that has happened here. Every tear shed, every laughter shared, every kind words spoken to me, every beautiful soul that has embraced me, all the lecturers that has pushed to be a better teacher, the ones who has showed me how amazing I am, if i set my mind straight and undeniably the many friends I have made here who loved me so much even when I wasn't very lovable. I am so grateful for everything and everyone. Even the bad looks so good now. I am envious of my juniors who get to spend another few years in such a magical place. I can almost here you squirm there, but honestly, this is a magical place.
My life is about to change dramatically. I am very excited, thrilled to the core and yet engulfed with lots of nerves. I don't know where life is going to take me after this but I know that if I keep my positive outlook, I will be fine. I speak a lot about growing up in my posts and yet nothing has felt more real than it is now. Will be touching 24 in a few months and boy, isn't that an achievement. Came here with a childish outlook towards everything, a carefree personality and now even with the childishness intact, I am a matured young lady. IPBA has contributed immensely towards that, definitely.
So yes, in the next 2 months, I am going to breathe into this air of love as much as I can. Here is to discovering the me I wanna be when I walk out of those gates. I don't know what is going to happen, where the future is going to take me, but I know it can never be anything lesser than amazing.
A tribute to the friendship we have shared. My ZZZ-AAA gang. :)
Saturday, August 2, 2014
What is that four letter word we call LOVE?
What is it about hearts, roses and chocolates that reminds even the nerdiest of hearts of love? And here I am, Miss Love/Romance trying my very best to not be reminded of all those. Need to focus on work, on studies, on being a responsible bla bla.
But then in those quiet nights of watching a romantic comedy or reading this really touching, heartfelt write up someone does on their social media site and I am left floating into my fantasy world in which I am smiling a little too freely, my head arched back and butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I am in love in that world with a prince. (No, you don't get to criticise my fantasy world).
So, getting back to this world, there is so much talks about love or about wanting to be loved or the magic of being in love and really, who are we kidding? Even the nerdiest or realists of us all have at least once wondered if it is indeed possible to love someone so truly, madly, deeply and above all be loved that way in return. I know I sound a little skeptic tonight but it's a question worth asking.
There are far too many of us who are in a relationship with someone for so many reasons and when you ask them "Do you love him/her", they are left questioning what is love. And then there is another portion of us who have no idea where we stand with a certain someone in our lives and we call it love. Oh ya, not to forget, the other half of us who are constantly putting ourselves out there, walking around with a hope and promise that with every person that we meet, every someone that we date would somehow magically bring us closer to experiencing a magic like no other that so many people call "LOVE" with someone. Cliche scenarios?
LOVE. A four letter word with so many definitions, point of views and principles attached to it. How can something that is promised to be so beautiful, be so much work? I have got myself asking that tonight.
Here's the thing about love. You do not know when it happens but when it does it gives u a spiral, a thrill, equated to having an adrenaline rush. You look at things slightly different, everything either makes so much sense suddenly or doesn't at all but you could be the least bothered about it. Life suddenly seems a happier, exciting place to live, of course with the company of this magnificent being you have come to know. That is LOVE defined by many throughout many centuries.
So, that is the question for tonight. What is Love? Is it adrenaline rush never running out? Infatuation that has matured? Lust with a new word? What is Love?
But then in those quiet nights of watching a romantic comedy or reading this really touching, heartfelt write up someone does on their social media site and I am left floating into my fantasy world in which I am smiling a little too freely, my head arched back and butterflies fluttering in my tummy. I am in love in that world with a prince. (No, you don't get to criticise my fantasy world).
So, getting back to this world, there is so much talks about love or about wanting to be loved or the magic of being in love and really, who are we kidding? Even the nerdiest or realists of us all have at least once wondered if it is indeed possible to love someone so truly, madly, deeply and above all be loved that way in return. I know I sound a little skeptic tonight but it's a question worth asking.
There are far too many of us who are in a relationship with someone for so many reasons and when you ask them "Do you love him/her", they are left questioning what is love. And then there is another portion of us who have no idea where we stand with a certain someone in our lives and we call it love. Oh ya, not to forget, the other half of us who are constantly putting ourselves out there, walking around with a hope and promise that with every person that we meet, every someone that we date would somehow magically bring us closer to experiencing a magic like no other that so many people call "LOVE" with someone. Cliche scenarios?
LOVE. A four letter word with so many definitions, point of views and principles attached to it. How can something that is promised to be so beautiful, be so much work? I have got myself asking that tonight.
Here's the thing about love. You do not know when it happens but when it does it gives u a spiral, a thrill, equated to having an adrenaline rush. You look at things slightly different, everything either makes so much sense suddenly or doesn't at all but you could be the least bothered about it. Life suddenly seems a happier, exciting place to live, of course with the company of this magnificent being you have come to know. That is LOVE defined by many throughout many centuries.
So, that is the question for tonight. What is Love? Is it adrenaline rush never running out? Infatuation that has matured? Lust with a new word? What is Love?
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