Hey there. I know we have not been speaking in a while. But, I wanted to let you know that I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I just...I guess I wanted to say something. After all the silence and pushing away memories, I wanted to say something. Here it goes. I miss you.
Not I regret what happened or I want you. Just, I miss you. I miss you not in the sense that I wish things were different or I crave your presence in my life. I miss you in the way that your name looked in my phone. I miss you not in the sense that I want you back in my life or that I want to be in yours. I miss you in the stupid, random jokes you made that made me laugh. I miss you not in the way that you cross my mind every single day. I miss you in the way that when you do cross my mind occasionally, I remember all the little things about you. The pointless conversations and the deeper ones. Some that made me think how lucky I was and some that questioned why I stayed. I miss the path I walked with you...the view I had, how everything was sunny and beautiful for me. Now I know that we both may have walked the same path but we saw different things.
It is so funny to think that someone I knew so well is now a total stranger to me. That sometimes I go weeks without thinking of you. Do you? Part of me wants you again. But I remember what it took for me to let go. And I push away those thoughts.
So, I miss you. And, that's good. That means I had something worth thinking about. Worth talking about. Worth remembering. It means one day when I find something worth keeping, I would know how it feels. I guess I needed to say this, I miss knowing you.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Teaching- The first month. Aye aye aye.
Many questioned me on my lack of entries and posts. I still find it amusing, but am beyond grateful that people actually read what I write. Of course, for a person who dreams to publish a book one day, this is a happiness words cannot describe. In my last entry, I told you all about how I felt trapped and quoting, "I am sitting in a puddle". At the end of it, I told you that I will eventually get "there", wherever "there" is. Oh boy, how has life changed ever since! It has been one helluva awesome ride, that's for sure. People who know me, know I love teaching! It is something that pumps my heart, gets my blood flowing and the adrenaline rush that I get from standing in a classroom, imparting knowledge...having fun with kids is something I absolutely crave and treasure.
Well, I got posted! And just like that, Miss Raeva is back! It is officially one month since and yes, I have soooo many stories for you. But, I am not interested in telling you about how amazing I feel teaching, how planning lessons excite me or just how awesome it feels to watch kids actually understand something I teach. You know all that. Here's what you didn't know about me.
I struggled the very first days of being in school. I had the whole "a fish out of water" moment. Making friends was hard. In schools, teachers move in little gangs or cliques and no, getting into one being a fresh graduate and new at what you do ain't easy. I was taken aback at how I felt, that's for sure. The first few days of being in school mostly was about me running into the teacher's toilet and locking the door coz that was the only place that I felt safe. I was quick to learn that the veteran teachers are made up of only two categories: either too nice to you or they treat you like you are invisible. God knows I tried. I smiled every time someone so much as even looks at me and yet, all I got was the cold shoulder. Worst is when the practicum teachers get more attention and warm welcomes compared to me who is gonna be there for many months/years again. But, gotta give it to a handful of good souls...teachers who actually made me feel at home, constantly asking me how I felt and offering insights of the profession. So yes, only two categories!
And the first weeks of being in school, I learnt that the school that I am attached to has a limited storage of materials or facilities. There is only one LCD projector in school and there is only one place that I can use it in, the hall (only if the hall is empty). Yes, bad news for the inner literature freak who loves songs, and storytelling.
But, what that killed the budding passion I had and excitement of being posted is not having a fixed schedule to teach. I had replacement classes each day and every day I meet new kids. I couldn't plan appropriate lessons because I didn't know my kids. All I did in class was get them to open their textbooks to a certain page and do something from there (read: what i despise the most). As silly as this may sound, I could put up with snarls and cold shoulders but knowing I am not loving teaching really killed me. I felt so beaten, bruised and defeated every single day. I reached out to a lecturer at IPBA who was generous enough to hear me out and told me to never give up. His kind words and encouragement really helped me through.
After three weeks, finally, this week, I received a fixed teaching schedule. However, I was told that these are not my permanent classes and once the school reshuffles its main schedule I would be attached to other classes. It wasn't a big deal at the start of this week when I was given this temporary schedule. I was elated that I had finally received what I wanted : fixed classes. But, after 28 odd hours of spending time with kids from three different classes, I am already feeling the pinch. I don't want to feel attached but that's what I am bad at. I tend to love my kids even if it has only been a week.
So, where does this leave me now that I am at the last day of my first month? Well, it feels superfabulousawesome to wake up at 5 a.m, leave my house at 6 a.m to drive for an hour in a rocky road to get to school. I feel good sitting at my desk, not getting involved in office politics just minding my own business and the best part of all, I feel alive teaching! The adrenaline rush is there, and it is a breathtakingly beautiful feeling that I wish every single human being can feel. I had my first course/briefing at another school the other day and I sat through it feeling so happy to learn something new. Okay okay, perhaps not everyone like courses.
Thing is, no matter what people tell me...you will hate teaching in a few years time or "wait till you have to juggle so many things..administrative work and such, you will be too tired". I don't freaking care. Maybe just maybe in a few years time I will be a snob myself (highly doubtful) or I will rely on textbooks (ahem, ahem, no?) but right now, right here, I am happy. This life that I have right now? I am so thankful for it. Yes, it is tiring. It leaves me with little time for myself but I AM HAPPY! And for as long as I am happy, I do not want to change anything. So, give me a shout out will ya? Miss Raeva is back!
Well, I got posted! And just like that, Miss Raeva is back! It is officially one month since and yes, I have soooo many stories for you. But, I am not interested in telling you about how amazing I feel teaching, how planning lessons excite me or just how awesome it feels to watch kids actually understand something I teach. You know all that. Here's what you didn't know about me.
I struggled the very first days of being in school. I had the whole "a fish out of water" moment. Making friends was hard. In schools, teachers move in little gangs or cliques and no, getting into one being a fresh graduate and new at what you do ain't easy. I was taken aback at how I felt, that's for sure. The first few days of being in school mostly was about me running into the teacher's toilet and locking the door coz that was the only place that I felt safe. I was quick to learn that the veteran teachers are made up of only two categories: either too nice to you or they treat you like you are invisible. God knows I tried. I smiled every time someone so much as even looks at me and yet, all I got was the cold shoulder. Worst is when the practicum teachers get more attention and warm welcomes compared to me who is gonna be there for many months/years again. But, gotta give it to a handful of good souls...teachers who actually made me feel at home, constantly asking me how I felt and offering insights of the profession. So yes, only two categories!
And the first weeks of being in school, I learnt that the school that I am attached to has a limited storage of materials or facilities. There is only one LCD projector in school and there is only one place that I can use it in, the hall (only if the hall is empty). Yes, bad news for the inner literature freak who loves songs, and storytelling.
But, what that killed the budding passion I had and excitement of being posted is not having a fixed schedule to teach. I had replacement classes each day and every day I meet new kids. I couldn't plan appropriate lessons because I didn't know my kids. All I did in class was get them to open their textbooks to a certain page and do something from there (read: what i despise the most). As silly as this may sound, I could put up with snarls and cold shoulders but knowing I am not loving teaching really killed me. I felt so beaten, bruised and defeated every single day. I reached out to a lecturer at IPBA who was generous enough to hear me out and told me to never give up. His kind words and encouragement really helped me through.
After three weeks, finally, this week, I received a fixed teaching schedule. However, I was told that these are not my permanent classes and once the school reshuffles its main schedule I would be attached to other classes. It wasn't a big deal at the start of this week when I was given this temporary schedule. I was elated that I had finally received what I wanted : fixed classes. But, after 28 odd hours of spending time with kids from three different classes, I am already feeling the pinch. I don't want to feel attached but that's what I am bad at. I tend to love my kids even if it has only been a week.
So, where does this leave me now that I am at the last day of my first month? Well, it feels superfabulousawesome to wake up at 5 a.m, leave my house at 6 a.m to drive for an hour in a rocky road to get to school. I feel good sitting at my desk, not getting involved in office politics just minding my own business and the best part of all, I feel alive teaching! The adrenaline rush is there, and it is a breathtakingly beautiful feeling that I wish every single human being can feel. I had my first course/briefing at another school the other day and I sat through it feeling so happy to learn something new. Okay okay, perhaps not everyone like courses.
Thing is, no matter what people tell me...you will hate teaching in a few years time or "wait till you have to juggle so many things..administrative work and such, you will be too tired". I don't freaking care. Maybe just maybe in a few years time I will be a snob myself (highly doubtful) or I will rely on textbooks (ahem, ahem, no?) but right now, right here, I am happy. This life that I have right now? I am so thankful for it. Yes, it is tiring. It leaves me with little time for myself but I AM HAPPY! And for as long as I am happy, I do not want to change anything. So, give me a shout out will ya? Miss Raeva is back!
Friday, December 5, 2014
Sitting in a puddle.
There is this one quote...a saying perhaps, that has been spinning around my head for a couple of weeks now. It started way back when I said my final goodbyes in college and drove home. It has been there, kinda like a drug that I keep on going back to. It's there alright and it is driving me crazy.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.
"You need to do things that make you happy or else you run the risk of discovering at the end of your life that you never really lived".
Heard that one before? It isn't uncommon that we get some song stuck in our head and we keep singing it or someone says something and it comes back in flashes now and then. So, i take it that having this in my head swirling around is normal? A part of me want to believe that so badly and another part of me, perhaps the one in which i get my defensive side from is looking at me right at the face with a smirking smile. "You think you are okay Raevarthy?", it's saying and getting that out is like vomiting poison, no matter how much you try there is a portion of it that has seeped through your bloodstream or in my case, my soul perhaps. I know, i know i am over thinking again. But that is just who I am, isn't it? I over think/over analyse and then sit in a puddle not knowing what to do.
So, here is what I think is going on with me. I am afraid of growing up now that I am already here. You know, right after college, awaiting my graduation and posting, not knowing what the world has in store for me. That is what that is bugging me. The issue of commitments and responsibilities towards my family and not knowing if I can bear in my shoulders the weight of everything that is expected of me. The time has come for me to "grow up" and quite frankly, I do not know if I am ready. It is a pressing issue, really, because I always thought I was prepared, in fact I craved such power and responsibility and now that I am being handed the torch, I am refusing to extend my hand and receive it. Kinda makes me a hypocrite, in one way or another. And feeling that way is torturous.
Hence as I said, that saying...about doing things that makes me happy...where shall I begin with that. As much as I am terrified of the idea of "never really lived", I am fascinated with the concept of trying to do what makes us happy just so we know we are living. Get me? So, knowing me, you would know that I went on a hunting spree of discovering what makes me happy. I thought and thought and thought. I slept on it. Every waking hour was spent thinking of things, people, views, dreams and just about everything too. And no matter what I thought of or what came to mind, it always revolved around one thing: my family.
So, what was my problem again? Not knowing what makes me happy or in general growing up? Well, I am far from doing everything that I have written in my bucket list which i really believe is the epitome of growing up. I am on a journey of discovering the kinda woman I want to be. I know many people have it already set in their heads of who they are and what they would like to be. I command them for that. Because trying to find out who you are is a tiresome task. So, congratulations if you have it figured out.
I am far from all that. I do not know how to get a grip of my emotions at most times, I still can't cross roads without having a mini panic attack, I put on a tough shell but I am all wobbly inside and most of the time I am in that same puddle, not knowing what to do. But guess what, I don't care. I am happy, in a way and anticipating what life might throw my path next is kinda thrilling and boy, this rush of adrenaline is worth sitting in that puddle.
Here's to all that is sitting in a puddle. Don't worry, we will get there, wherever "there" is.
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