A child stuck in adulthood.

Let me start by saying that I am pretty sane in this post. Not high on sugar, coffee or any of that sort. I have so much to say. February was a good month for me. I had amazing unbelievable moments, pretty stressful times that just turned out to be so much worth it and yes, *drum rolls* I turned 22!
However, leaving all that aside for just a moment, I am going to kick start March with talking to you about human desires. As much as you would love to know from where I got this topic and as much as I'd love to tell, I can't. So, sit back and enjoy the sane Raevarthy for a second!

Have you had those moments in which you just stopped whatever you were doing for a minute, took a look around you and wondered what on Earth you are doing? I had that today. I was in class today when all of a sudden I just lay my head on my table, looked around and was swept by this alien like feel. It grasped at my heart, pinned my soul down and swirled around me before leaving me breathless. In that very few seconds, I had a glimpse of what life would have been had I not taken the road of becoming a teacher. I know this sounds a little dramatic but really, if you think about it, this is just something we all have been through. I am just expressing myself the way I know how to. 

Anyway, what has human desires got to do with me not becoming a teacher? Simple. The desire to do things at the spur of a moment. Ever had that? This is pretty dangerous trust me. But that is how I have made most of my life's decisions. I decided to apply for the teaching course in the spur of a moment when I was having a conversation with a good friend and then decided to take up the interview in the same manner,but this time a talk with mum. And the grand finale of deciding to do teaching came when I sat next to dad in a restaurant and heard an uncle praise his daughter for being a teacher. He said to dad, "you will only realise it when someone tells you how wonderful your daughter is with their child". At that moment, I saw a glow in dad's eyes, thought of how much this meant to mum and made up my mind to be a future educator. Wasn't that tough of a decision to make. I just wanted those who loved me to be happy.
But that was 3 years ago. When I just hit 18 and was wondering what to do with my life. Now, I am 22 and life pretty much sucks because you cannot make "in the spur of the moment" decisions any longer. I am forced to think, over think and at times, forced to glue the broken pieces of me to come up with a decision. Whoever said that growing up is easy again?
Point is, the desire to do things at the spur of a moment is pretty fascinating, and I miss it. Honestly, from the deepest corner of my heart, I wish I hadn't grown up because now everything is just so much more scary. People look at me as an adult and how do I shout that I am not ready? Because I am not. The things I want in life are just within miles away and now at this juncture, I am just not sure whether I want it any longer. My desires have changed and so have my needs.
I am a child stuck in adulthood. I need time before I can figure this whole growing up thing. So, somebody, please point me towards the rewind button. I so need it.

Signing off with the desire to be a child,
Raevarthy

Commitment, Love and Loyalty.

Let me spell it out ya'll. C-O-M-M-I-T-M-E-N-T. Yeap, say hello to the topic of the day. We shall talk about commitment today. And yes, before you ask, there is a reason why we are doing this today.
I was watching 'The Choice' last night with mum and though I totally loved oogling at those gorgeous guys on TV, I couldn't help but reflect at the question Joe Jonas asked his potential dates. 'What have you committed yourself to and why did you make that commitment?" The girls came up with pretty good answers. One talked about how she is committed to looking after her brothers and sisters and one talked about her commitment to GOD to keep her virginity for the one who deserves her. Beautiful and sane answers.
My whole post about commitment would not be on what I have committed myself to. Instead, it is going to be on how tough I think it is to commit to someone. I am pretty good at making commitments to ideas and principles. For example, I am committed to Vegetarianism, to being against alcohol consumption on the basis of entertainment, and I am committed to GOD. Thing is, I can't commit to people. I have trust issues, and yes, I am not afraid to admit it.
It's pretty simple really. How long would someone that you love and trust be there for you? That's just an answer that no one can ever give and hence my rooted problem to commitment. I know that we have to learn how to handle our hearts with care while being able to loosen our grip around it. But honestly, how do people do it because I am just plain lost. For me, commitment is a big word and just merely saying that you are committed to someone does not make it real. I have seen people say 'together, forever' to only lose it within months and some within years.
So yes, how does this whole commitment thing work again? Well, if you ask me, screw commitment. Let's replace that word with love and loyalty. The double 'L's. Love is what that brings two people together and loyalty is what that keeps them that way. You don't need a yellow string on your neck or a ring on your finger or a signature on a book to show that you are committed to one another, although I admit that is what the society needs. In the hearts of each and every human, there should be the double L's. Love and loyalty.
And, if at all a spark of that loyalty is lost, just let go of love coz love will never survive without loyalty.

Signing off with a renewed passion towards love,
Raevarthy

If I gave you a choice to have anything under the world, what would you want?

"If I gave you a choice to have anything under the world, what would you want?"
Someone asked me that question today and honestly, for a very minute second, my mind went blank. I know I want a lot of things, I dream in a very super sized manner and I rarely keep my toes grounded. Like I always say, I dream of the fairy tale life. Many people have told me that reality sucks and that, quoted, "you have not seen the REAL world". I used to mutter under my breath every time someone told me that.
And then, I went to work. I wouldn't say that stepping into a new world, even if it was just as a cashier showed me what "the real world" is. I learnt a lot. New lessons, new people, new experiences. I felt like a super star the day I left work. So proud of myself and just so amazed at how I survived in a place that was nothing like me. (Refer to blog post "37 days of a very different life-My own working experience")
Problem is, like I said, I don't keep my foot grounded and surprisingly, coming from a person that has been through a lot in life, I don't intend to change it. I like having a positive attitude about everything. I like the thrill of not knowing what tomorrow would bring into my life and I love being happy with whatever that I have. I never desire for a lavish life. I am content with the way my life is working right now. I have been bruised, battered and scared, but there is just one thing that no one or experiences has touched before and that is my soul. I still have a soul that smiles at  the toughest adversity. Though my eyes fill with tears and my heart cringes with every blow, my soul still stays strong.
I am not saying that you can throw me in a mud pit and I would find a way out. I am just saying that while I am in that mud pit, I would not give up in finding a way out. Like they always say, if you dare dream, you have to dare wake up and chase that dream. I dream big and hence the chase is big too. It might take me a million years to finally look back at my life and say that I have everything that I want but I would do it. Notice how even now I have the attitude that I would make it to a million years? There right there is my soul speaking, one that is never influenced with the trials and tribulations of life.
So, what was my answer then? Well, I listed a few things that I wanted but then again, there is no limitations to my list because I am living that life right now. Waking up to the barks of Ruby and Dino, looking at a small smile in the faces of my parents, arguing over clothes and many others with my sister, gossiping with cousins, watching the rain hit Earth, loving myself each day for being a Vegetarian, laughing with friends, dreaming about a prince charming, being nice to strangers and many more is what that truly keeps me happy. Like I said, I am a simple girl who lives in a fairy tale land and wants nothing much from this world. I am happy. Very happy. And right now, money cannot buy or compare to this happiness.